I am 24 years old and my mom was 57 and raised me by herself. She loved me with every inch of her being and we were very close. She got covid at the end of october that quickly progressed into pneumonia and ended up killing her. I feel extremely guilty for living an hour away for the last 2 years of her life, I feel guilty for not knowing when to take her to the hospital, for the fact that she was there for me all my life, but I wasn't with her when she was dying alone in the hospital (they didn't let me in). I feel hurt by the pain and discomfort she felt as if I went through it too. I don't know how to go on knowing that I will never feel that kind of love from anyone again. I don't know where she is now or what she is thinking. I also got covid 2 weeks after she died and I am totally fine now, which seems unfair. It doesn't make me feel better to think that she died and merged with the universe, because that means her amazing loving personality is gone forever. I just don't know what to do. I wasn't prepared for this and I wish I spent more time with her and was overprotective, maybe I could have saved her. How do I look at this from a different perspective and make myself feel better? I feel so alone and scared without her. I also have ptsd from all the nights I got calls from the hospital with bad news and when I saw her after she died, lifeless and cold in her hospital bed.
