Hulia

We Ukrainians are soft, good tempered and quiet folk. We easily can make fools out of ourselves to avoid conflicts. People often misterprete this as weakness. Since we have no interest in dominating they think we might be ineterested in being dominated. What a false conclusion! Ukraine is a little like USA - an agglomeration of different nationalities and folks, which came on the fertail soil of ukrainian steppes in search of freedom and independance. "On the edge" - is what "Ukraine" means. Always on the edge of big empires, kings, tsars... - but never inside of your crazy sadomazo-world. We are also good wariors. If we have to defend our freedom. We just cannot be dominated. No way.

My dear Slava мой милый друг (зажеваное выражение, но мне нравятся буквы "м" и "л", а вот "др" - наоброт не очень) I don´t need your manifestations. It´s enough for me to be a witness of your love. I am in awe of its power. Just talk to me now and then, randomly and aimlessly. It´s always a miracle to exchange with you the first words after periods of silence. Just be. Always yours me (хихи like писк склонившейся мышки in front of an elefant) And yes, it is autumn. Thin webs trembling in the rays of low sun, silent white days

River - richen´ko

You are not supposed to do it. But Marcel! He is also young. But mature!

I don´t see a mouse. I see a hedgehog lieing on his belly, raising his head and awkwardly looking at the world with his weirdly big eye.

@Preety_India And then of course you need to reconsider and reevaluate regularly (at least once a year). Since your value factors might and will change with time. I propose on 20.12. of every year you do a meeting with Marcel. For auditing and analisys of the passed year and setting goals and new value factors for the coming year. You´ll still have 11 days to test and if necessary to correct new objectives. I imagine Marcel in his best suit with a tie, you in a white shirt and a tight black skirt on heels and with big glasses. You both sitting at dining table and going through the powerpoint presentation showing your scores of last year - actual compared to goal. And setting objectives for the next year - more better, more higher, more ambitious! Be a good team, have respect, find compromises! P.S.: Goal, obective, target, purpose, aim... English language has amazingly many words for this thing..

hahaha My proposals for measurements: 1. Hours of intimate interactions (sex or almost sex) 2. Hours of chores or rather a delta in hours of chores 3. Hours spent together apart of 1. and 2. But then you need a kind of benchmarking. Other couples with their hours captured on the same scale. Otherwise you never know, how many hours are for low, middle or high productivity and performance One more ideas: you need also a factor! Because 1., 2. and 3. are not of the same value, I guess. This is what you need to agree on with Marcel - teh value factors. hahaha

Ah.. ok, the discussion between 2 experts is always good!

hehe I don´t discuss with mechanics the issues of my car. They give me the price and I decide, whether I let them resolve my car´s issues or I sell the crap

@ivankiss de nada!

beautiful!

OK, I understand. Love can have different forms. Acceptance, rejection, ... never changing in essence But still Why is it a problem for you to meet physically, just one time? Your name, your face, your body, your voice. It´s just a form. But for me it means something: I could close a chapter at last. I don´t expect something special and I am sure, it won´t change anything. Why can´t you do this small favour for me? I swear, I won´t even set a foot over your threshold, I´ll book a hotel, sleep one night, and next day I am off to Bahamas, I saw on the map it´s not that far. Cool location Congratulation! Now it sounds like I am begging, but I am not. It´s a matter-of-fact-question. We will meet for half an hour in a small bar. You will drink coffee and smoke. Yes, I allow you to smoke, since it´s one-time event. I will drink black tea and eat an apple pie. I hope it will be autumn outside, but not crucial. And then I´ll leave for Bahamas and you go online. Nothing changes. And a hug! Almost forgot. If i fly over the ocean, I want to have a hug.

Just for the case, the things will happen abruptly: a mood of me, a word of you. I tell it know. I love you and I will always love you. And I also wish, that you share your loving heart with as many people as possible. And I wish I had had a chance to experience you in a physical reality. It does´t mean necessarily sex or marriage or whatever... What is the problem? I don´t understand. I even thought for a while, that you´ve lost your legs or arms or something that you are physically a cripple. Just frantically trying to find explanations, otherwise it would be "he hates me".

After I delete all accounts, you´ll be only a skeleton in my wardrobe behind the locked doors. When I am old and demented, when I forget everything, even my name, a skeleton will come out of a wardrobe dancing, and I´ll shout weird things at nurses ?

I just want to add. if you disappear tomorrow, I will be also ok. I have had enough experience to know it and not to be afraid. Actually I am planning to delete all my accounts one day and end it. I don´t do it immediately because I try to prolong the excitement, to leave this act of liberation for the future - one happy day. Because I also know that after this exciting act of liberation, some time after, the emtyness comes. Not the unbearable one, the normal.

The problem is, I lack your perspective. I don´t understand, how it is for you. It might be, what appears unhealthy and painful for me, the more time passes by, the more weird and incomprehensive it´s getting for me - why it should be this way? It might be, that for you it´s exactly the right way, exactly how you want it to be. You are definitely attracted to me, otherwise we wouldn´t bump into each other now and then. But it might be some different kind of attraction, not known by me. Like if I disappear tomorrow, you will miss me occasionally, but on the whole it will be ok for you. Another kind of attraction is, if you really don´t want to miss this person in your life, like it was with Ira. Idk.. It´s too complicated for me. Even if I understand it one day, what does it change it for me? Nothing. It is as it is.

I wish, you answer me one day this one BIG question: WHY DO YOU REJECT ME?

You know, what I was thinking about, while buying grapes? I wonder, what your life would be like, if you hadn´t banned me out of it so stubbornly. Who knows, maybe you also could profit from me. I know, your life is amazing anyway, since you are a kind of enlightend and have this icredibly vivid perception. But hey, your potential, your enormous potential is by far not used. Doesn´t matter of course.. but well nothing matters and still everything matters Assumptions, only assumptions, no use of them, but still it´s nice to think in this direction. Haha I mean .. a thought about you without self-pity is not bad for a change. Maybe we could write amazing stories together. As a child I was absolutely fascinated by 2 words - Ilf and Petrov, I thought even, it´s a kind of error, it should be Ilya Petrov or something. Not that I was a big fan of them, but the idea.. how did they do it? I tried to imagine

Thank you! You are very generous! I propose, we´ll share a title, it would be fair: Ms and Mr Bore of actualized dot org! Ta-ta! Red carpet is rolling out.

It´s a corpse in your chest looking through your eyes

I am even more boring than you. Since I always end up by self-pity, that´s why I didn´t want no fucking journalling. So tired and bored by myslef. I even pity myslelf for slef-pity. ?

@Preety_India Dear Preety, if you look very closely, very quietly at the energy streams in your body and psycho- at your emotions like dispair, sadness, loneliness, you´ll see that they all are made of the same substance. This substance is love. Your are blessed with a lot of passion - a lot of love - lost in the labyrynths of your self-image. Here is a music of autumn for you

You know, it was very inappropriate moment you left me. I guess, your wife was pregnant, you should have said it to me, but you always chose the most painful ways to treat me. You sang a song that we will talk to each other like we have always done, and then you left. I was crying and crying my heart out - the song in my ears, but you know it, you were there, though I´d prefer, you wouldn´t. Then I found a job, it wasn´t easy for somebody with 0 experience and a toddler and high unemployment. It took me a lot of time and effort. I found a job and it was a shitty job with an asshole of manager and a lot of hate, envy and competition among colleagues. I forced me every day to get up and go there. Once I was returning home and i thought: this is my life. Between shitty job and shitty home. No escape. And no place to feel good. I cannot quit this job because we need money, I cannot leave my degrading husband, because my child needs a father. This is how it always will be. Till I get old, sick and die. It was yoga. Half of women at yoga classes were going through divorce. Somehow there is a correlation. The decision came so easily and instantly to me. I woke up one morning on Saturday. My husband has left as aslways. For a "business trip", hehe, leving chaos in the house. Then I found a receipt from his last shopping with a lot of alcohol on it and little food. And I knew, I cannot and I will not go on like this. My husband sensed that it has something to do with yoga. He spread everywhere rumors, that I am crazy and occult and belong to a yoga sect. I cought weird looks at me, people started to avoid me, or maybe I just imagined it, I don´t know. Anyway it felt like the whole world was against me. A kindergarden nurse once wanted to talk to me. She told, she worried, that my child was neglected, because I picked her up always so late, besides her German was getting worse, sometimes she babbled russian words, she might get retarded compared to other children. I asked her, if it ever occured to her that I had to work for our living, like 40 h/week? I also asked her since when kids speaking 2 languages are retarded? I think, she got embarassed.

Who are the right people? And where can I meet them?