BakeJeyner

@Nahm Decided to capture the rest of my response in a follow up post instead That does a great job to explain to me how mediation can start to help me process this. Having a path forward really gives me hope. Another great explanation! I've been doing my best to try and face, feel, and accept as much of the negative emotion as possible without trying to change them. They just bring me into such a dark, alone, confusing, and terrifying place where no amount of acceptance seems to be changing that feeling after the past 4 days. I have to keep pushing through it though: what you resist persists. Ya I'm still learning how to let go. I was told to hold the feeling/emotion in your awareness and to do your best to relax and let the feeling live there. It just feels like the mind-melting trip not only brings out overwhelming emotion, but also makes me question what's real. And when I can't be sure anything is real, it feels like all of these negative emotions are here to stay. These explanations are definitely something I'll need to re-read and digest more, so sorry if my responses are getting a little weary. Lol but the past feels so real! Thanks for pointing out that what I remember isn't necessarily what reality was; that should help relieve this feeling of doom. I have a good amount of work to do separating the truth from the resistance. Again this brings me hope that I can come to terms with this eventually. Great practical advice. I'm definitely going to break out my journal more often. I've been talking with my gf about this, and I have a therapy appointment tomorrow. You definitely have a lot of analysis here, and I will try my best to pull as much away from it as possible. Thank you for the time you spent to help me through this.

@Nahm I do like the separation between circumstances and my perspectives on those circumstances. I'm trying to do my best to separate the experience of the trip from my reaction to the experience of the trip, but man my ego is really good at fighting. This is a really valuable insight for me, and I'll do my best to become more aware of my reactions to circumstance. Ya when trying to find a message in this, the thing that pops out the most is this dreadful fear I have about what reality is. I've been trying to feel and let go of that feeling, but the experience & its attached emotion feel so woven together that they seem one in the same. Hopefully I can start to put some space between those things as I continue to process and integrate. Thank you for your insights. Lol I forgot that was only the first part of your message. I'm going to edit in the rest of my response.

@Adamq8 This message gives me a lot of hope. I like how you said "deep down you know", because it feels like this is something I can't forget, and additionally like its something I've always known. When I was in the middle of the bad trip, its like I knew that I was always this awareness and I would tell myself "you can always come back to this" and "you have always been this", and I experienced the infinite cycle of forgetting and remembering the ultimate truth about who I am. My reactions to that experience are ones of lonely oneness and despair, but I hope that with time I can flip those reactions into connected oneness and bliss. I'm still very uncertain, but your words give me hope that there is light somewhere in this dark void. Thank you.

@Malekakisioannis Thank you, I really appreciate how friendly you sound. It feels very nurturing in this bizzare time. Preach it brother! That statement was one of the first things that brought me relief from my depressing times. Thank you for the well needed reminder. I'm definitely staying away from drugs for a while (except marijuana when I get a little too overwhelmed). I know I was an idiot in my usage, and I view this as a great humiliating and humbling moment. In terms of the nihilistic and solipsistic mindset: it feels like I KNOW these things rather than believe these things, but I easily succumb to illusion and who's to say my shroomed out mind wasn't just fooling myself. And no discredit to anyone who takes psychedelics, but how can you know that you know, and that the "knowing" isn't just an insanely real feeling belief. I have a feeling Leo did a video on that topic though lol. I will try and have faith that I will come back together and feel ok again. Your words speak to me and help me to think that I can get better. Thank you so very much!

@Breakingthewall It's really nice to hear that someone else went to a place like that, and not only came back and healed, but was able to go back to that place and find love. Thank you for sharing your story: it gives me a lot of hope that I can be ok again. Much love to you!

@Rilles Lol long story short: I'm f'in young, dumb, and wanted to have an experience. Long story reasonably long: (Note that all the weights I took are from a scale that can measure grams, but from my experimentation it seems to do better with 5 gram increments) I initially took ~1g and was waiting for anything to happen; any hallucination at all. After an hour and a half all that happened was I felt a little looser, like how you would feel after 2 shots of vodka. And I thought "hey, I'm ready for ego death and to see reality, not to feel buzzed", so I downed like ~2 grams after that. And 15 minutes later I took another ~1 gram for good luck. And that's when it started rolling in and I started to feel euphoric and at ease.

@Consilience I completely agree. If it can exist in my awareness, then it's true and there's no point in denying/resisting the possibility. Similarly, one way I found to combat fear is to completely accept and face both sides of the fear (i.e. if the fear comes true or not), because then you no longer have a reason to worry about your fear ending up one way or another. When I tried that technique with this situation, it just seemed too hard to swallow, but I hope that will get easier over time. I resonate with this as well. I've always bought into the idea that meaning is something you create rather than something inherent in the universe, I just feel like this dread is something inherent in knowing reality. I'll do my best to start realizing that is just a story/meaning I'm adding to this experience, and just as I made it hell I can make it heaven. Thank you for your condolences, that means a lot to me. As for nihilism: some resources claim nihilism is not the way to go, but I'll do some more thinking there and find an answer for myself. Ya know what, I haven't actually looked into what integration really means; I just assumed it meant to process the trip. And you know what they say about assumptions. I'll go ahead and do more research into that area, thanks for the tip. I like how you say the mushrooms brought up fear, because I've had the fear of being eternal/infinite since I was 10. I just didn't expect that fear to become so visceral and to persist for so long afterwards. I thought I could just feel it and let it go. And no more shrooms for me for a while, that's for sure. As for your practical advice, thank you so so much. I'm going to start following all of them to facilitate my healing as much as possible. Thank you so much for your response. Your compassion and helpfulness means the world to me, and I'm already starting to feel more grounded as I respond to each of you. You are genuinely helping me.

Thank you everyone for your support. I'm crying tears of dread and confusion, but most importantly love for each of you. I can't express my gratitude enough. Hopefully with your guidance I can climb out of my despair. First of all, I can't believe you responded Leo; now it's certain that reality must be my imagination lol. But really, I want you to know that I love you and are absolutely amazing and, even though your videos scare the shit out of me now, you have been the single greatest influence in my spiritual journey. Thank you. And I love you Nihlus, Consilience, Rilles, Breakingthewall, Free Mind, and whoever else offers their help. Thank you so much for your wisdom and compassion. Now that the ooey gooey stuff is out of the way, I would like to clarify some of the great information you've shared with me. This first post will be regarding Leo's response, the following posts addressing the others. However I ultimately know it's my responsibility to get through this, so silence is a perfectly valid answer. Yup my mushroom dose was too high: I wanted to see the truth and got monkey pawed more than I could have ever imagined. That's 100% on me, and now it is my responsibility to deal with the repercussions. This really helps me with understanding why I feel so "bad". Knowing that it's possible to know this reality and still be ok really helps out with my sense of doom / not being ok. And hearing that its the best possible news gives me a sense of hope. I'll try and become aware of ways I can make this imaginary reality meaningful and positive. It's also great to hear that I need to integrate this with my ego. Through my research I was under the assumption that spiritual work / enlightenment is meant to kill off the ego, but now I'm thinking it's more about living in the best way ... imaginable. Or as one of your older videos stated: improve the quality of your consciousness. Some people like their egos, some would rather kill off their egos, and some would like to meditate on nothingness. I need to learn how to accept the seemingly unacceptable, and I'm sure that's going to take a lifetime of work. But I'll do my best. Another message of hope, thank you. I've been trying to separate my experience from the reaction to my experience, but I find that to be extremely difficult. I'll try to become more aware of the stories I'm telling myself about this reality. I'm still trying to figure out how to surrender. I've been reading "Letting Go: the Pathway to Surrender" by David Hawkins and am doing my best to apply his teachings. I'm sure I'll figure it out if I keep trying. The same goes for being present: I'll continue to develop that capability. I'm guessing this means that I experienced something completely overwhelming to my ego, and in an overwhelming time sometimes the best thing to do is surrender fighting/feeling the experience and instead to continue living. As the overwhelm fades, I'll be able to better accept and come to terms with reality, but not when my ego is spasming like a dying spider.

Thank you so much for your timely answer. Trying to apply your answer to my situation: I need to stop resisting these potentialities and learn to be ok with them? That even though these insights are/can be real, that I can be ok now regardless of the situation I see myself in? Or even more simply: accept reality laughing and smiling all the way down. Will that really work, or is that more me fooling myself & becoming insane? Note that I am merely expressing my questions/concerns, but that I really am trying to apply what you say to my experience. Thank you.