BakeJeyner

>Hmm, is the question "is solipsism true and if yes, how to overcome it?" really the important question? Or should the question rather be "so what? Who cares?" I believe this to be an even more important question. In the face of terrifying ideas (personally things like solpisism, eternity, aloneness, zero), how do the enlightened people claim it's the best thing ever? How can you feel fulfillment/contentment/peace/love? That's what I'm focusing on. Because the reason solipsism is such a big deal to us is our reaction to it. If we didn't care about it, than we wouldn't have any reason to post here for advice.

As someone grappling with solipsism myself, something that gives me a little peace is knowing that enlightened people like Leo, mystics, and the others on this forum still help others. For whatever reason, those enlightened beings still chose to spread truth in this imagined world. That gives me hope that the universe/reality is like Gods dream/imagination and we are each perspectives of it: like the waves of an ocean. And in that paradigm everything is God and one, everything is concious, and the waves interact with eachother. It's just that the wave isn't aware of the ocean yet. And the closer the wave gets to realizing the ocean, the more opportunity the wave has for confusing itself and the ocean, leading to ideas like solipsism. Personally, I've been in existential despair for the past couple of months, and I'm starting to think the way out of these despairing ideas is to transcend/let go of them like others have already claimed. Just live your life until you directly experience the Truth everyone here talks about. Not an easy task, but it's better than circling in anxiety/despair/madness.

@Ryan R Thanks for the response on solipsism! I watched a video yesterday by Rupert Spira called "Sinking the Mind Into the Ocean of Awareness", and I think I started to feel that feeling of spaciousness/nothingness, as well as a feeling of contentness and peace. I'm definitely going to continue to focus on that kind of exercise, but after reading your earlier post I also want to focus on moving that spaciousness to my solr plexus and open up my heart. Thanks for the great direction! As for solpisism itself, I just want to know (man I sound like a little kid lol): 1. That others are aware as well. I don't care if we are the same awareness (I'm actually starting to see beauty in that), I'm just concerned that no one else has a sense of "I am" like I know I do. 2. Even if my experience is not directly aware of something, that that something still exists. For instance: Leo said in his video that if I am not directly aware of the earth than the earth doesn't exist. I can understand that from my minds limited perspective this can be interpreted as true, and that earth is a fantasy/explanation blocking me from directly experiencing my perspective. But for whatever reason I have a huge problem with thinking that just because I'm not directly observing my girlfriend at her work that means that she doesn't exist and doesn't actually work. I want to believe that the world will continue to spin on without my mind's direct awareness of it, that it still exists inside God's conciousness even when my little perspective isn't aware of it. To put it in another way: that this universe is God's dream and that I am a perspective of that dream, but not the only perspective. That's the biggest rub I'm facing atm, and I truly feel the way out is to transcend rather than to take on any answer given here as a belief. I just hope that some words can help put me at ease until I realize the Truth for myself. Thank you!

@Arthur8769 I feel like my experience is somewhat uncommon for someone taking shrooms for the first time, but definitely feel that the experience aligns with other people's teachings and psychedelic trips. Ya there's definitely a freak out aspect we have towards these realizations. And as someone who is still very ego identified, it makes perfect sense. Relatedly, I just watched Shinzen Young's dark night of the soul video, and he said that sometimes when people start to experience nothingness (infinity, nothingness, it's all the same ) they freak out, and that the remedy is to notice that freaking out isn't nothingness, and to find the nothingness behind the freak out. I found that to be pretty powerful. And in terms of the solipsism aspect, I'm still very confused. However I don't think that immediately doubting/combating it is the correct remedy; I feel that accepting the possibility and regrounding in direct experience is the path forward. But just to regurgitate a theory I've already posted: I like to think that we are all waves in the ocean of conciousness, and that when we go into the depths of conciousness we realize we are alone the ocean, and each wave is a perspective. It's a cool theory that explains other concious appearing beings, but also explains the aloneness. I'm still very immature in terms of emotions. I came into this state from a state of depression, so trying to fall back on my emotions is like trying to get off a sinking ship onto a sinking lifeboat lol. However you and this thread have shown me how important positive emotional work is, and that's definitely something I'm going to add to my regimen! I'm also very immature in being grounded lol, historically I've been very anxious my entire life. But I'm currently making big steps to learn how to ground myself: mindfullness, presence, exercise. And deep down I know too that these darkest days can be the ones that provoke the most positive change depending on our actions/interpretations. Looking forward to seeing the light! It's good to hear that you have your own anxiety issues as well and that this path has really helped to manage them. And my answer for why the spiritual work is filled with fear is that fear occurs when our sense of self is being challenged, and spirituality is all about realizing who we really our. I'm just doing my best to enjoy the journey each day, even if at this part of my journey it feels horrible. The only way out is through, and I hope we can both continue to strive towards the truth even though the road is paved with fear. Thanks for the response, and even though you posted here for advice, you've given me an invaluable amount of it . Wish you the best of luck and hope your experience is wonderful!

Additionally, I have a question about solipsism. I find the notion of being the only bubble of awareness odd. For the sake of this argument, lets define the "self" or the "I" as the bubble of awareness. Claims: 1. I am awareness. 2. All that exists is my awareness. 3. All of you other people are just in my awareness and being imagined by me, and don't have awareness yourselves. Question: Why does everyone else claim they are aware as well; is that just part of this "reality" that I'm imagining? But more importantly I like to look at this from Leo's point of view. Claims: 1. Leo is awareness. 2. All that exists is his awareness. 3. Every other person in his awareness is being imaging by him, they don't have awareness themselves. Question: Why would he make a video guiding other people into their own awareness? I've heard from other non-dual sources that there is only one consciousness, and logistics aside I can accept that, but thinking that none of the other similar beings I'm aware of aren't conscious themselves (and that I'm the only center point of reality) just seems weird. My leading idea (and I know its only an idea I'm applying on top of my direct experience), is that god consciousness has split itself up and, like waves on an ocean, and each wave of that consciousness experiences the center of their reality and interacts with other waves. Let me know what you all think, I look forward to see what you have to say!

@Arthur8769 Dude I totally feel you. I just watched the video as well and I am shaking. Some backstory if you're interested: I've been working on personal development/spirituality for the past year, starting as an effort to combat depression. A couple of months ago I decided to try shrooms for the first time, and my reality was flipped inside out. During the trip it felt as though I was imagining everything, a physical reality didn't exist, I was eternal/infinite, and that I was alone. I had never felt anything like that in my entire life, and it was by far the most intense and scariest thing I've ever had to deal with. I always thought that the realization of what you really are would result in a good feeling, but all I felt was complete despair. That being said, I've been getting better every day and learning to feel my feelings and face my fears. A lot of emotional labor and ego work, and I'm still chugging through it all. I wouldn't call myself good quite yet, but I'm not in absolute hell anymore, even though it feels like I'm a slip away from falling back in. Back to the point: I saw the title of this video a couple of days after the trip and put it off because it scared me so much. Now that I finally decided to watch it, it gave me the same kind of feelings/realizations I had during the trip. I don't think you are in as dark of a place as I was, but what really helped me to start recovering (shoutout to @Nahm, you're the best!) was realizing that these negative reactions are (probably) my ego's reactions, and that consciousness can feel good. From there I've just been doing my best to feel my feelings and get in touch with the present moment. Trying to move forward day by day. Glad to see somebody else having similar problems with this realization other than me. Also I apologize for being self centered in this post, but I just got told that I'm the only thing so cut me some slack lol .

Hello and thank you for taking the time to read this. I really appreciate it. And I really need help. I am in a horrible place, and I don't know what to do. It feels like complete & infinite existential doom. I'm hoping that someone can act as a guiding hand of light in this time of darkness and despair. Little bit of backstory: I'm 25. I had a great childhood living a life of enjoyment. At age 21 I moved out and got a job for the first time, where I absolutely hated the 9-5 and got spiraled into meaninglessness and depression. I've been battling that ever since and for about a year now have been taking the spiritual route seriously. About 3 weeks ago I decided it was time to try out magic mushrooms to see how that could help me on my journey to self discovery and healing. The "good" part of the trip: oh my god it was amazing. I took 5-6 grams of the mushrooms, and the first thing I felt was lightness and energy. All my fears, worries, and problems melted away. I was floating through my experience full of love and joy. Bliss. The "bad" part of the trip: oh my god it was like nothing I ever experienced. It's like the line between imagination and reality was erased, and my imagination was reality. Reality would seamlessly shift and transform like my imagination would seamlessly shift and transform. For instance: my girlfriend was driving us home and I thought of watching one of Leo's youtube videos and that became my reality. My reality was the awareness of Leos video, and that reality was me. Leo would tell me to wake up and suddenly my reality would shift to pure colors and transform into taking with one of my friends. As I was trying to talk to my friend and tell them I need help because I don't know what's real or who I am, I suddenly KNEW that my friend was me and that there was no need to explain anything to him. That reality would then fractalize and I would travel through infinity and experience infinite cycles of knowing and forgetting the truth. I would then come back to this reality, but this reality was no longer real. I felt complete oneness with my experience and completely alone at the same time: like everything and everyone was merely something I was imagining and that I was the only real thing. Knowing that filled me with complete existential despair. I just wanted to die, but I knew that ceasing to be was impossible, that even if I died in the "real" reality, that "real" reality wasn't even real and wasn't me. That if I tried to kill myself in "real" life, it would merely be me imagining shooting myself in the head and continue shifting and transforming realities. These shifts and transformations in reality occurred for a good 6 hours and I felt completely alone, horrible, and eternally doomed. The aftermath: I was so happy when it ended and I came back into being me. I remembered a little about the trip, but not much. I couldn't understand what I experienced and it felt like I couldn't even remember what it felt like. It completely shook me though, because that sense of aloneness. And I could tell I had a sense of dread in the background. Two weeks later after I felt pretty content and integrated with having that crazy trip, I decided to do a lighter dose of magic mushrooms (about 3.5 grams), and I started feeling like I was losing my grip on reality again. But rather than having another reality bending experience, I instead un-repressed the memory of having my reality bending the first trip and I was able to completely remember what that felt like. Now: I am completely full of existential terror, dread, confusion, and despair. I feel like nothing, including myself, is real and that there is no point of existence. That there is no meaning to a completely imaginary singular reality in this sea of infinite imagined realities. And worst of all: I feel like I am eternal and that I can never end. And oh my god I just want this all to end. I can't handle what I experienced, I can't handle KNOWING that all of this reality is imagined and everyone else is just my imagination. I can't handle knowing that I am the only thing, that I am god, and that I am infinite. I just want it all to end, for me to disappear, but I know that's not possible because on the trip I've already disappeared in this reality. My stomach and heart feel like pits of suffering, and my soul feels like its writhing and exploding in agony. I've been feeling this way for 4 days now trying my best to just feel the feelings, but this dark night of the soul feels like it has no resolution. Its like I've peeled back the veil of reality and seen the truth, and the truth is infinite, alone, and despairing. I can now remember the trip whenever I want, but because I can remember how I felt and what I knew during that trip any notion of who I am and what is real has no ground. Everything feels fake and imaginary and I feel trapped in this hopeless meaningless ride of existence & nothingness. Everyone and everything in my life is just something I am imagining and I'm completely alone. I am in complete hell. The truth is complete hell. I want to end. Watching Leos video about his radical explanation of reality only added to my feeling of doom. This man I looked up to and resonated with just told me that all my greatest fears, and that my existentially dooming reality was all true. I can't handle infinity. I can't handle being god. I can't handle being alone. And nothing I do is pulling me out of these depths. I'm so scared. I'm so unbelievable scared. I've had fears of being eternal since childhood and all I feel is complete doom and despair. I don't know what to do, and I can't cope. I'm so confused and so hurt. Thank you for reading this, and I hope you can help me through the darkest night of my soul. I love you and wish for the best.

@Someone here TBH I don't think I experienced what you experienced. It more felt like my mind, self, and reality was melted, which showed glimpses of infinity but not raw infinity. Hope you can find your answer though!

@Matt23 Ya those are some great links. I'll definitely check those out if I still feel a crisis in the future. Gives me another layer of hope!

@Someone here I'll try and re-phrase what I experienced. During the upside of the trip I still had a sense of self and of reality, but I also started to develop a sense that I didn't exist. I lost myself in the experiences I was having. It felt like all there was was experience. During the downside of the trip, I started to come back to a sense of self again, but the sense of self was blurred between my egoic self, no self, and (maybe) my true self. I would fluidly shift between those senses of self seemingly out of my control. As for the experience during these shifts in self: it felt like I would have a modified experience of actual reality (like what you would expect when taking psychedelics), and I would also have imaginatory experiences (felt like dreams), but the line between the modified real experiences and the dream experiences was removed and my experiences would fludly shift similar to my sense of self. Here's a little sequence of events that I remember, note that the shifts between reality and imagination mostly occurred seamlessly: Reality: I was lying in bed. I had my regular sense of self. My girlfriend came over and gave me an oreo to bite to try and ground me. I tasted the oreo. Imagined: I pulled the covers over myself to warm myself up. Reality: I had no covers over me. Imagined: I pulled the covers over myself again. Reality: I still had no covers over me. Imagined: I "dreamed" about watching a youtube video about Leo, and I became the raw experience (iow I lost myself in the dream; I didn't really exist, there was only the experience of Leo's video). Leo told me to wake up. My perspective then zoomed into/entered Leo's youtube video, through Leo's eye, and I experienced fractals that looked similar to indian prints. Reality: My girlfriend said "I love you, you are going to be ok". I came back into my regular self and back into reality. I responded with "I love you". I grabbed the back of her head and put it against mine. Imagined: Our heads merged and we became one. I had the experience of no self. The I remembered how the Beetles did psychedelics back in the day, and my experience/self became that of John Lennon. Then I was in my bathroom peeing, my old self. I grabbed a gun off the floor and shot myself in the head, and my experience transformed into fractals again with no self. Reality: My girlfriend pulled the covers over me and I was myself again. Imagination (I think): I cracked my left middle finger. I then tried again and it didn't crack. I tried it again and it did crack. I tried it again and it cracked. I tried it again and it cracked. I tried it again and it didn't crack. So on and so on. Hope that helps explain it lol. Typing this out really gives me the chills. But the more I remember this stuff, the more I realize that I might have just had my mind melted. But that mind melt also melted my regular sense of self and reality.

One last thing I would like to note is that my posts might become a lot more simple, focused, and frequent in the future. Typing out these TLDR's is fun and all, but switching it up never hurt.

@Someone here I did not become conscious that all infinite potential will become actual. It felt more like I experienced a sliver of infinity, but I immediately knew that sliver was infinity. Like traveling into a fractal. I also had no notions of alternate realities, it felt more like reality was being bended rather than me traveling to other realities. @bejapuskas I wonder why you believe this. I more so meant that historically I have not been very creative/expressive, nor have I historically identified with being a creative/expressive person. @jimwell I know right. One reaction it's all so beautiful and meaningful, but my reaction is that of despair. It really sucks because I put all my faith into "enlightenment" (whatever that means lol) to make me feel better and give me life purpose and bliss, but now its the source of ultimate despair. Also sorry for pulling you out of "permanently leaving this forum", but also not sorry <3. Because we aren't supposed to be talking about this, I'll try to answer as properly as possible while staying within the guidelines. Everyone loves cryptic messages right? I've already stated what caused this experience, and I don't know anything more specific than what I've stated. The first time I try something I like to try it in the most basic form. I wouldn't want to put myself into a possibly dangerous situation alone. I also prefer not to drink when the sun is out. Generally, I prepare for traveling by doing a little bit of work over the course of a couple weeks leading up to the trip rather than cramming all that work in right before I leave. I think what I experienced is nothing compared to the other experiences people here have had. I think others would have far greater advice than anything I can produce.

I wanted to post another status update for you all. First of all, I feel so blessed to have so much support. Thank you. I'm still reading all of your replies, and even though some of your insights are a little to advanced for me to fully grasp I am doing my best to learn from them. I don't have a lot of energy to spare to respond to each and every post, but for those who asked me direct questions I'll answer them in a follow up post. And I know I said I was going to take a break, but avoidance feels worse than confrontation. The only way out is through. Analysis of my current state: I feel what I'm going through is a complete deconstruction of my sense of reality and self, and therefore extreme fear (Leo's fear guide explained a lot), ego backlash, and doom/despair. My ego wasn't ready to experience oneness, infinity, and god consciousness, and I fully rejected, resisted, and feared it. Now it feels like I'm at a double-bind crossroads. No matter what I try and do, I have a sense of "I'm not ok" and it kills me. But I'm definitely handling this entire experience better than last Monday. Progress lol. But rather than regurgitate what I think is wrong, I think it would be better to post some of my insights/questions I've been rubbing up against in regards to this experience. How to be Ok: My main concern. When I feel ok, nothing really matters. Who cares wtf is going on if I'm feeling ok through all of it. So how do I facilitate this sense that everything is ok when I seem to uncontrollably react in a not-ok fashion? How to accept the unacceptable: One thing Leo said in his guide about fear is that you have to be willing to experience the thing you fear. But this feeling of despair feels like the opposite of acceptance. I think my biggest fear is that I will feel infinitely more and more horrible, more and more not ok, more and more insane, more and more just hell. How in the hell am I supposed to be willing to experience not wanting to experience? It feels like a contradiction. Day vs Night: In the mornings/day, I feel completely not ok and Hellish. However, when nighttime rolls around it feels like I start to not care, and I feel ok. Like my conscious state of fear and despair slowly transforms into a conscious state of being my old content self. Granted I still have the uneasiness in the back of my mind, but the things that usually scare the shit outta me and make me feel horrible just affect me less. I can actually enjoy things and I don't feel like I'm absolutely insane and lost all the time. Conscious State: Yesterday while working I realized that consciousness is just a state. For instance: you are conscious of your experience right now, but when taking psychedelics your existence can become that of a beer bottle. You are no longer who you were, you are now a beer bottle. But that begs the question of why am I experiencing this conscious state? Why do I feel that I have a sense of self, why does it feel like I have free will, and why is this conscious state so consistent? The answer I came to is that this consistent conscious state is all a game of hide & seek with our true Self, but even to that you can ask "why are we playing hide and seek". How does Leo have such a sense of purpose and contentedness with his life when it all boils down to a conscious state that can be nullified at any second? How do I feel ok knowing that I don't really exist and that everything "real" is just a state of consciousness? And lastly what I've been doing to try and get through this: 1. Face my feelings. I've been trying to let all my feelings in and to feel them without wanting to change them. I've been trying to accept "x is true", rather than being afraid of "x". But it feels like rather than processing these feelings, that these feelings are just getting stronger and stronger and dragging me deeper and deeper. 2. Meditation. I've been trying to meditate at least an hour a day. For now my main focus is mindfulness & observation. 3. Research. I've been watching Leo's videos that relate to my current situation. They give me a sense of great comfort that what I'm going through can get better, and that I can be ok again if I keep moving forward. The videos also give me great ideas of additional things I can try to get through this. 4. Talking. I've been talking with my girlfriend about all this like crazy, and I've also been talking with my therapist. It makes me feel a little better to talk, but having the thought that "they aren't real", or "they are just me" kills me. 5. Journaling. I've been keeping a journal of my thoughts and of different strategies I want to try out. 6. Taking it easy at night. Like I said above, I just start to feel better about everything around night time, so I use that time to try and chill out, have some relief, and go to bed at a good time. Taking it easy in the day however feels impossible. I'm still very confused, but I'm doing my best to keep moving forward day after day. I look forward to any insights you may have. Thank you.

Most of us have experienced hopeless despair at one point in our lives. That feeling like everything is wrong and nothing is ok. That feeling like your spirit is writhing. The feeling like wanting it all to end. That feeling that leads to suicide. As someone who's been going through my worst crisis yet this past couple of days, I noticed that the words that resonated with me the most with was "you are going to be ok". For whatever reason, those were the only words that could touch my soul. Even though I believed and convinced myself I was doomed without hope, I knew deep inside me that ultimately everything had to be ok. And I needed to hear that. I think people would love to have a video that they could lean on when visiting this dark place. When I was trying to find YouTube videos to help me cope, I didn't find them very helpful: they would just say "oh it sucks, just surrender to and accept it". Instead, hearing it's going to be ok and having that state of despair deeply explained from someone that is provenly well versed in reality, conciousness, and truth like Leo might be the ever so important light at the end of the tunnel. The most basic truth you can stand on in the free fall of despair. Video format/talking point suggestions: It could start off very honestly, intimately, compassionately, and simply. To let us know, without a doubt, no matter what, that everything is going to be ok. That you KNOW everything will ultimately be ok. That everything HAS to be ok. And that you will be ok. Next you could go into what that feeling of hopeless despair is, what causes it, what helps it, and what you can do right here right now about it. (what I found that helped me the most was disidentifying with my thoughts and being in the present moment, but that's just me) (also you can throw in that stereotypical "the worst times in your life can be the most transforming") The video could then end with a guided exercise to facilitate a sense of okness for the viewer. This video could be a nice change of pace from the super theoretical videos to a very intimate, compassionate, and potentially life saving video, while still throwing in some great insights. We love our theories, but sometimes we just need some help. Sometimes we just need to know it will all be ok.

I wanted to post a status update for you all. I'm doing a little better. Actually I'm doing pretty well compared to how I was these past couple of days. I decided to watch this youtube video (attached at the bottom; let me know if that's against the rules or something). Summarizing in my own words: it claims you don't exist and that finding nothingness will free you from your thought/ego/suffering. And for whatever reason, its resonating with me. I'm just sitting here doing my best to defocus on nothingness, and my mind / sense of self is quieting. And all my suffering is slowly fading. That being said, the more I think and type the worse I feel. So I think I'm going to take a step back from this forum for a bit and just focus on this new path. I am still curious to hear what you all have to say, so feel free to respond and I'll come back when I'm ready. But until then, I wish the absolute best for all of you. And I mean that, I really do. Lastly I want to let you all know that I had very little faith that this community would help me. I imagined you all being these super high conciousness ego beings who wouldn't give two shits about my sob story. But instead I was shown compassion and support that literally brougt me to tears (and I didn't cry at the end of Toy Story 3). Thank you so very much each and every one of you, I love you, and good night.

@Nahm I've officially hit my limit for the day, but I definitely want to ingest your latest post tomorrow. I really appreciate the time and detail you are putting into your responses, my deepest gratitudes.

I love your take, it helps to know there are others going through what I'm going through. IMO the hardest part is my sense of okness. Like I have completely convinced myself that I can't be ok, life is meaningless, and I'm all alone. And knowing that its a point of no return just kills me. But maybe this will give me the opportunity to build my meaning from the ground up and learn how to connect with others and therefore the universe. Maybe I can learn to be ok again.

Just wanted to say thanks again everyone for your support and advice. I hope I can use it to put myself back together and get out of this living hell. I'm already feeling better, but it feels like I can always re-visit that place of dread at any time: willingly or not willingly. I have a lot more questions, but I should probably work on them myself. I love you all, and even though you've helped dramatically, I know I need to find my own answers. That being said, I'll post some of my questions here in case there's any interest: - How do I feel content/ok, especially given these radical ideas and how insane and disintegrated they make me feel. - Do I exist, and how do I accept non existence. - Are other people locally conscious like me, or is my local consciousness the only real thing. - How can I create actual meaning in a meaningless reality. - How can I foster a sense of okness in this perceived eternal doom. - What should be the relationship between me and my ego.

@vinc3nc Thanks for your point of view. And thanks for expressing a similar dread-tone as me: I don't like hearing it, but I know it needs to be heard. I just hope that dread isn't the end all. Here's to hoping lol.

@Display_Name Me being no one is something I still need to look into and accept. Two nights ago I stumbled across a youtube video called "you do not exist" and it brought forth a similar feeling of doom that I felt when remembering the trip. Thanks for reminding me about this, and I'll add it to my list of healing activities. I'd also like to note just how much I writhe at thinking I'm not real. I definitely have some work to do there.

@vibv Thank you so much. Just hearing that things will be ok do a wonder for my eternal doom outlook. When writing this post, I was thinking "what can any of my imaginary friends tell me that will make me feel better". And so far, the best answer I've gotten from you and from my girlfriend is "everything is going to be ok" and "you are ok". Your words take off so much pressure from this crisis; thank you.

@dflores321 Ya I definitely feel fucked up, confused, and like eternal doom is all that there is. And I'm hoping this will make me better in the long run. A specific problem I'm running into is that my grip on reality seems permanently messed up, and that runs deeper than I can exlplain. Great note! During my journaling I noted that I am scared of letting go of who I currently am / I'm scared of becoming my true self because of the possible eternal doom it carries with it. Thats a big battle I have to face. Thank you for sharing.

@Leo Gura Let me know if you would rather me not tag you in the future, I know you're a busy man. It's very comforting to hear that you would also have trouble with this. It means a lot to know that the insanity I'm feeling (and it does feel absolutely insane) would be similar to someone who has put far more work into this field. But what puzzles me more is what is insanity? I've typed out and deleted many different explanations, but I have to admit that I have no idea what insanity is. It feels like I have no idea what anything is really, if it's all imagined.

@bejapuskas Thank you for your condolences. And even though this trip was insane and utterly overwhelming, I think bad trips are good trips that haven't been processed properly. I love your outlook on creation, I am generally not very creative. I'll add that on my list of healing activities to try. Thanks for the advice.

@Recursoinominado I definitely feel this way. Like I don't know how I can be grounded and happy again after experiencing what I did. I definitely feel that the times I am the best are the times when I am in the complete now. This brought that feeling of despair back, but the despair feels so true. Like I was feeling pretty good typing out to all of you, but this message reminded me that nothing happening is real and that its just something I'm constructing on a higher level of consciousness. I know I need to accept that reality, but man it's hard. And in terms of the masters, I still have hope that there is reason for elevating your consciousness and that it is good in the end. David Hawkins said something along the lines of "All the great masters tell us to look within. They wouldn't do that if what you would find there is bad". I don't want to believe that I'll have to live a life of constant mediation just to keep myself from going insane, but I can't resist that idea can I now lol. Thank you for your response, and I hope you find your resolution as well.