So basically I want to share my crazy story with u guys, and hopefully you could guide me and give me some advice. I’m a 23 years old guy and I have gone through A LOT of changes in the last 5 years, from being a “successful” musician to a junky with some serious mental health issues, and now a student. I got into Leo’s videos about 2 years ago and since then I followed some of his advice (which of course helped me a lot). My “downfall” began about 4 years ago when I started to go to university (music university) and moved to a big city in my country. I started smoking pot which really was a transition drug for me ( ? classic story) and smoked daily for about 3 years, in about just 1 month after moving I tried for the first time LSD with some friends and I fell in love so hard with this substance ( I had about 10 trips in 2 months after that so I got a little bit experienced right from the start ?), obviously I was more attracted to substances than going to school so I dropped out in the first semester. After that I got ‘addicted’ to MDMA which I think has ruined my brain chemistry for a long time, I have done it consistently for 2 years. Just to mention That I had 0 knowledge and about this substances when I first moved ( my bad? ). After dropping school I started working shitty jobs and i worked till march 2020, but all I was doing in the beginning was paying my rent and buying drugs, it got worse in 2018 / 2019 because I was doing all kinds of dirty stuff to get some more money from my jobs just to buy drugs. I would go fucked up at work and work 12 h shifts 4/5 days a week. In the summer of 2018 the whole situation was killing me, my girlfriend have left to USA the whole summer and my depression got worse, in august I dropped out of my job just to take a brake but all I was doing was getting highly intoxicated. In that month I had about 5 trips of lsd and shrooms and a lot other things like MDMA, amphetamines.. but nothing could changed the way I felt (deeeeeply unsatisfied with myself and very paranoic). The last thing I did was a tab of Nbome ( sold as lsd ) which fucked me up forever, the strongest experience of my life (20+ hours tripping, I ll make a separate post about that) Which have resulted in a violent psychosis that lasted about one year ( I still feel like that sometimes ?). The good thing is that was exactly what I needed, after that I stopped doing anything ( weed, psychedelics, alcohol...) and I was sent completely into my mind, It felt very spiritual everything (although I had a very severe form of psychosis, thinking that I could read other people minds and they could read mine, telepathy, voices inside my head, suicidal tendencies) BUT THE THING THAT SHOOKS ME is that in this whole time I felt like I was guided by some force (obviously me) to save my life. This whole time I felt like I was 2 persons. I was completely down for almost a year and half, but I kept going to work, I started to go to university in October 2019 ( Digital Media ) and started playing again music and composing ( I have a fucking story to tell ??). In m march I moved back with my parents because school is online and I can say I healed a bit, ( I have never gone to therapy because I didn’t want to accept the fact that they would give me drugs beacuse of other drugs I took ? ). I’m pretty stable right now, I have some nice relationships with some very good musicians, I started teaching guitar to make some money and planning on moving again with my girlfriend. I want to mention that this is the first time I share my story with anyone so I’m a little bit nervous. I have learned some valuable lessons all this years but some times i feel like is just to much for me. I completely understand why I am imaginary, why everything is just layers and layers and layers of imagination. I “understand” the nature of nothingness ( I grasp it with my whole being ), I understand why reality is nothing but perspective. I see myself most of the time in other people ( their voice, emotions, eyes, expressions, words they choose...) . I understand what love is ( it cured me). I have advanced levels of darkness, if I could call it like that , which have turned into a great artistic hunger?. I have embodied all this stuff. But sometimes I get some sort of backclash / fear about everything, a general terror about everything, dealing with day to day life could be fucking harsh, and everything could go away in an instant...
I have somked weed and had 2 little doses of shrooms recently but I was not feeling ok... maybe the doses were to small. I would fucking love to do some LSD but I feel my mind is still to scattered, and it could turn bad.
My biggest ‘fear’ is that I would not go schizophrenic, but it s more an irrational fear because I don’t have symptoms.
Thank you guys and Leo!
