Gabith

Last night, having taken ketamine and listening to a song from my teenage years about a father molesting his child (The Dreadful Hours of My Dying Bride) I had a sudden emotional shock and knew that my father had raped me as a child. I felt immense sadness and distress, then anger, and a few hours later, I was physically ill; I felt hot/cold, weak, I have nausea, I want to vomit something that hurt in my stomach but it is not done yet, it's still inside. The whole image of my father collapsed, I knew why I'd always felt bad about myself, why I was afraid to open up to people, so many things... My father manipulated me all my life and it's only now that I realize it all. A few months ago, I had done hypnosis with a psychologist and there were my first impressions that my father had raped me, but I couldn't be sure. Yesterday, it all came out, alone in my home, out of nowhere. I've never had this before, I don't know what to do and how long it will take before I can feel less bad. Please help me

It's more than certain that I didn't make it up. I'd known the song since I was a teenager, and the impression that my father had raped me had already been surfacing for years, but I'd never dared revisit that appalling memory to confirm that it was he, the person who had raped me as a child. I hadn't set any intentions when I took the ketamine, I was just sitting in my livingroom, enjoying my music playlist. My father was raped by a priest and his father was an alcoholic who was always away (traveling journalist) cheating on his mother with other women. And at home, there was a lot of tension and couple fights. He was always emotionally distant from me and his mother (my grandmother), who was full of love for her children and grandchildren, but unfortunately received nothing in return. There are so many things to say, but I never paid any attention to them until my trauma resurfaced. I saw my father as someone he wasn't and I thought all my life that I was the problem if I didn't know how to open up to others, if I felt constantly unwell etc... He was an alcoholic too. That must have helped what happened, but I'll never understand why he did this to me.

In many spiritual ideologies and teachings, you'll find a similar explanation that suggests that before incarnating on Earth, we were a liberated soul who chose to incarnate and live this life. There's something I find hard to believe, though, and that's how it's possible for a soul to choose to incarnate into the worst circumstances. Here are a few examples: A baby who dies in the first few months of life. A child born into a pedophile sect and subjected to abuse and torture until their death. A child who is abused by their parents and those around them and dies at a young age. There are thousands of examples. I can't see a choice in this; instead, I see chaos. If you could shed light on and explain to me how a soul could choose these forms of incarnations, I would be interested.

It is said that God is unconditional love, yet in religions and spiritual concepts, they speak of punishment or negative karma after suicide... What kind of God would punish a person a second time who was already suffering too much to end their life? I don't find any positive view on suicide in spirituality / religions... Why ? So we are here, some of us suffer deeply almost/all their life and they don't have the right to end their suffering without bad consequences ? A loving God would provide comfort to a person who took their own life because they needed love the most.

@Francis777 It wouldn't be boring. I would have faith if God showed a little bit of love when there's no hope

I'll go see a therapist, thank u

@Someone here I spent nights in my garden, just sitting and appreciating the silence, gazing at the trees (I didn't even try to meditate or reach a state), and suddenly, I realized that I was God. But it didn't change anything. I was just at peace, and I knew I had never stopped existing; it was so simple... There was no explanation or intense emotional experience like I had in the past (chasing after spiritual experiences...), no, it was just existing. No how, no why, it's so simple. But on this forum you make everything complicated, especially Leo But then what? The next day, I returned to the dream; it's impossible to live with that awareness in our current society

That's the main problem. I cannot bear this. Each time I see someone suffering, I know it's me. Every child, every person is me and there's so much suffering in this world, how can you face this ?

Well I (the ego, idea of me) didn't created shit. I don't control anything, I'm trapped into God's eternal dream. I don't control my thoughts & visions about torture, for years I have every single day thoughts about me or others (Me, God) being tortured in every possible ways and I know that it will happens and it's happening because reality in Infinite. I cannot bear this, I didn't ask for this. God created everything but I don't have the consciousness of God, I live my life through the ego's perpectives because I cannot do otherwise I don't want to go further, I wish I didn't woke up because knowing that I'm everyone and that I have no end, no rest is the worst nightmare possible. I wish I was asleep, I wish I was still thinking that I'm a separate body, that there's nothing after death or a form of rest sorry for my english

There is nothing divine about you. You've just become a puppet, embodying yourself in flesh to live eternally. And this Earth is hell; how can you incarnate into such a stupid and cruel race? I have nothing to do here; I don't even have the right to rest, nothing." Your drugs aren't even helpful, I feel like shit sober & same same when I use drugs to relief the pain of being this eternal puppet. And all of you people, so arrogant you think you have control. You never had control, your life is like a movie, everything's already written and you fool yourself to believe that you have to do XY and Z in order for a thing to happen while this thing was meant to happen no matter what you have thought before. You really believe you can create your reality with your thoughts or emotions? Imagine what you would have created since you were a child. You don't create anything, you just watch your fate unfolds and project thoughts/meaning & stories on what's happening fooling yourself into believing that you created this or that. And when something "bad" happens to you, you go "what did I do to manifest this" ? Nothing you idiot didn't do this shit, it just happened to you because it was always meant to. And there's no "why & how" no but you keep playing this game of seeking, you nourish the illusion of knowledge as if it were going to bring you something. Always the whys and hows, endless question again & again, you will never stop, you are the King of fools. There's nothing Godly about you. The worst are you people believing in spiritual concepts trying to justify your existence with endless ideologies. You cannot escape from Yourself, suicide will not end suffering, nothing will.

Of course, there's no evolution, no destination, no sense to anything. This is chaos Spirituality is another bullshit created by your infinite mind

And now what ? You want me to judge myself for doing this to myself ? You are proud because you understand a part of psychology ?

I don't hate you, I don't care about you

yeah now tell me that you love me Princess let's laugh at your hypocrisy

Because I see through his bullshit. If he really loved me, he would love anyone and he would be dead soon because he wouldn't have boundaries

You don't understand you think you have free will I don't want anything, I want to be dead, I want non-existence, that's the rest that we cannot have because we're eternal I cannot connect with people or build something, I don't have a clue of how my fate will unfolds. And I did build a lot of things, it never fulfilled me, all the thanks, all the compliments from others didn't do any shit but to make me feel more alone

Matt Kahn explain why in one of his teachings he said something like this: when you're in heaven you enjoy yourself but after a while, having everything that you want when you want makes you feel empty. It becomes boring, so you comeback to earth and you can enjoy the process of gain & loss

Love & light

@Ajax You don't love me. If I was starving in the streets, you wouldn't even let me come in for one night. That's another fantasy with "spiritual people" you think you have to be loving all the time and you pretend to love everyone while you live your life selfishly

I'll be fine when I die and I hope that in my next life I will not awaken, I hope I will be a simple guy like Forrest Gump Oh yeah exercise, did this monkey stuff for 4 years, no more for me I forced myself to work out but I've never liked it

This the last hour of the carnival I dance, I dance though it hurts Hangman’s rope suits well Every gentleman Madam, you look charming In the necklace of blood People say there’s a day after Every night People say there’s sun Behind these clouds What a relief, what a relief... I’ll drink to that Pour me a glass of poisoned wine

@Yimpa I'm in the mood to smoke weed

@Ajax No. Do you want me to distract myself from the pain ? Can work a few minutes but won't do anything to the pain

@Ajax no but it's still uncomfortable to have a body

@Ajax no