Blackhawk

So recently I became friend with a hyper-smart open-minded physicist in quantum mechanics, in Second Life. She "suffers from delirium". She told me stuff about what she thinks about reality and about relationships. She believes in a afterlife and stuff. She says that her work has led her to believe in a afterlife, and that many other physicists limit themselves so that they don't get the implications of their own work. She told me how I should love unconditionally. And I felt that it actually made a difference in my mind. I will just give even if it hurts for me. I will be more selfless. Shortly after that I met a girl in Second Life, and we fell in love with each other. It's the first time it has happened to me. She lives in New York. It's surreal how amazing she is. And she wants to meet me in real life too, but I doubt that will happen. And of course.. when you are at the top, then you should be most worried, because the way down will be absolutely horrific. So I am very worried right now. I expect that all this will shortly end in a horrific way where the love of my life will ghost me. So let's see how this will end, whether I will survive it or not. Stay tuned I guess.

Seems like it ended with "her". Maybe it was actually a male irl. But I'm good.. I anticipated it. I'm not a fucking idiot. I love everyone anyway. Especially girls, I adore girls. The best thing I know is girls/women. But I'm still searching for the love of my life ❤️ Maybe I'm even ready to date irl. I just want to give ?

It's the character which thinks it wants to awaken..

Only I can awaken. But that would make me all alone, and destroy the illusion of this reality, including "others". That's why I don't want to awaken.

@snowyowl Ty. @PepperBlossoms Yea we don't truly love each other. And yes I know that irl is completely different.

I just want to highlight the two main things..: 1. That I'm so privileged to be a good friend with the (probably high level) quantum physicist. 2. I'm so eager to love that girl. I'm so gonna love her. I'll make her the happiest girl on earth. (And I met her probably thanks to the quantum physicist.) I will try to forget that the backlash will be horrific..

..is when you are the most happy. ------------------ Because the way down will be most steep. This is my belief. Am I wrong, or am I right? (I know that I'm right, but I guess let's have fun and debate*). The way down might make me put a noose around my neck, slightly bend my legs, and then die peacefully, it's really that simple. (*Actually might not be that fun.)

Yes. Thanks all

@Razard86 I have done contemplation and came to the conclusion that I shouldn't believe people like you. I'm probably more experienced and serious about the "path" than you are.

I have tried with contemplation. It doesn't work.

@Someone here Of course you don't recommend someone of your fellow specie to committ suicide, that would endanger your specie. How animalic of you. Pretty much the only two things you are right about is that two people would get sad if I would committ suicide. And that emotions are changing. But the negative emotions outweigh the positive ones for me.

Okay, great. I would love to be enlighetened. But unfortunately I'm not enlightened. I'm supposed to take psychedelics to get enlighetend, okay, fuck it then, I will take some LSD then, how hard can it be. (Not being sarcastic.) Bear with me, let me responsibly take some LSD.

Dude.. that is all hearsay. Especially the "he got enlightened" part. "Ohh the big Ramana Maharshi got ennnnnlightened because it's written on some books." Not different from the Bible.

@Someone here Would you prefer that I kill myself in silence? That I'm a unrecorded case who no one has ever heard of? So no one learns anything about human suffering? The silent suffering people killing themselves all over the world while only the extrovert, awesome, successful, and happy people can be heard?

I'm looking for any kind of conviction or undeniability. I'm not fixated on "intellectual" only.

Some random guy who x amount of people chose to worship. That's why I should believe in what he said. Gotcha.

You don't know either. Haha. And why exactly would I do that? It's not like you are some fucking magic wizard who knows better than me. Give me a break..

There's just one thing which you are missing..: That the non-duality stuff is concepts and beliefs too. (Which is pretending to not be that). Hello. Wake up.

Really wish my parents wouldn't be alive right now. So I could end this life. Right now.. It's the only thing that's stopping me. A thin line. Some more years and then they will die, and then I can die too. But I could do it before too. I was pretty close now.

Great. Sounds all good and nice, but that doesn't convince me.

Or maybe the stuff you believe in is a thought/concept. But I don't know.

How? Psychedelics I assume. Okay I might do it.

Okay. Well, I would love to know what I am.

It's me. It's self-evident/undeniable, to me.

@Breakingthewall I don't want to hear "just stop torturing yourself". That nonsense doesn't help me, it just pisses me off. @snowyowl Thank you.