Striving for more

I went to the club yesterday but it was a painfully awkward experience. I went there alone & got there late, I hate to que for a whole hour, in the que I was thinking of escaping but then I figured I might as well see how the venue is, also get some exposure. So I walk in & already my mind tells me to leave, I feel very self - conscious & it's fucked how I can't find a wingman yet, I go to a techno floor & at least I like this music. There are some hot girls there although it's about 3AM now & the rooms quite spaced out & open so I feel self conscious, I go to the bar & get my free drink > a double rum & lemonade (I rationalize to myself it's "only 1 drink") & I get it i'm new to this, but I have to try & do it fully sober, there's no half hearting this shit. So I just make a micro goal to try & get in to the moment, I think back to when leo had gone to a club on his own initially just to enjoy the music & not care, so I tried doing that & it sort of worked, I danced & closed my eyes a bit, although there was still background insecurity. Then about 30 minutes later I spotted this genuinely attracted woman - I had the impulse to be brave but I hesistated, I kept dancing & was waiting like 5 minutes to do it & funnily enough she just left at that point, so then I kept dancin gon my own but had lost the drive for it. So then I went into another club room & this one was even more light & spacious & awkard, I was awkwardly dancing there on my own to pop rnb music I don't really enjoy, then I made eye contact with this other dude & started doing the awkward acknolwedgement hey whatsupp thing & tried get a reaction from him by waving my arm a bit & he awkwardly looked at me & walked off. Then I saw this girl dancing opposite me & she was ok looking, I thought right gotta do something get some momentum .. . So I just randomly sort of grab both her arms & waive them up & down to dance, she looks at me kinda pissed off & gives me a screw face, then some reason my instant reaction was I pinched her cheeks to form a smile & then she just frowned even harder. ... Now that was very autistic & creepy, like wtfff haha. Am I the fucking the joker or something? (lets put a smile on that face) Jesus ... So then I leave in despair & go downstairs to the main room, all around me are poeple with their friends or guys with a girl, I am just there in the midlle, I also see some of the guys there looking at me a bit weirdly, judgmentally, I try to let this go & not care. I see a pleasant looking girl in a cool denim jacket so I go behind her, time to try my luck!, so I just lightly put my hands on her shoulders & twist her a bit, she sorta half reacts with it but then I intentionally step back & watch her reaction, she is non responsive & moves forward so I take this as a no at this point it's almost 4AM & I see some girls with their friends looking bored but I feel quite disheartened & too late now, so I leave the club. Problems with this Night out No wingman, No friends around me (Huge obstacle) I got there too late, less girls, vibe is more awkward & it makes u look more desparate like I'd been there the whole night hesitaing is what poeple may assume I pussied out from approaching the genuinely attractive girl I saw - who actually looked bored I had (1 drink) What went well I made some attempt to not care what other people think about me I Made an attempt to get in the moment & dance & get in to my body, & although still carried background anxiety & awkwardness, I sort of got in the moment & sort of let go I was slightly/almost brave & in spite of getting some bad reactions I didn't completely let this to get to my head or defeat me (although of course it still affected me & still hurt) To improve Find a fucking wingman or 2, Jesus christ it's so hard no I must tell myself it isn't Get to the club fresh & early - start approaching right away, in the que, by the coat rack, straight away, say silly shit bomb myself to death in the 1st 10 minutes & get in state, no hesistation Expect to get many negative reactions but learn to embrace it, learn to become resilient to other people's energy (although in practice this feels extremely difficult to develop) Don't drink

I was about to keep writing but I knew it was coming from an inability to let go, I'm resisting reality right now, I have to introspect & feel into my impatience but also my lack of self belief. I have a long history of not neutral but negative social interactions, social rejection being alone & verbal abuse ect... Getting laid once doesn't solve the problem. But maybe meditation will, so I will try to meditate more. Overthinking again like im in a loop. Ok flow state music to drown out my thoughts & deep breathig now. Closing laptop. I have to get back to my work I obsess over social dynamics too much, Tho I kinda wish it was my job If i could just get paid to be obssessed, but I'm so deep in my career hustle now that If I don't start earning properly from it I'll feel like I wasted the last 15 months or so. Maybe I will transtion, maybe I will become the next owen cook, maybe that is my purpose, all that social isolation & pain, maybe my puspose is just to be a fucking social king, call it shallow if u want fuck u I don't care, I have to compensate for what I was denied. Get there quick. Too many thought loops, journalling isn't helping me right now, I ban myself from this forum & probably leave this account now. I am finished. Meditation. Music. Heal.

strolling through girls instagram. We had a great talk the other night, she's an interesting intelligent girl. She isn't strikingly attractive though. She's definitely not a 7+ Scrolling thru her instagram, trying to find reasons to find her attractive, an ass there maybe? No looks pretty flat, something kinda sexy about the face? Not really, I guess she's not ugly, that's better than nothing. Could she be a 6.5 sometimes? Maybe ... But she could also be a 4.5 sometimes. Hmmm, well she has a kinky look about her, she would probably be good in bed, she has good personality. Ah I dunno, this is the brutality of the looks pill, I want to find her attractive, she's probably avaialble right now, & I wouldn't need to play much games to get her, but then would I regret it afterwards, would that just hurt her feelings more? Then another part of me is like I WANT TO SATISFY MY URGES NOW. It's so tough, I wish she could just be attractive enough, just give her an extra point or two, if she just at least had a good ass or something. Ah, brutal the looks pill. Tbh even this girl probably might not just fuck on command, I could go out tonight again, risk of burning myself out more but I can practice talking to actually attractive women. Yes I technically did pull a quite attractive women & I didn't even believe in the process tha tmuych but through persistence some alchol & a bit of manipulation I got there, but that's not sustainable game. I need real game. Also it was so unsatisfying due to logistics problem it basically started then ended right away, how unsatisfying, bitch given me 2 word lukewarm answers on social media too, ah I rlly liked her can't call her a bitch , ah still need to get some girls & make that bitch jealous, no stop calling her bitch, ah DR. Faustus, still gonna make her jealous on instagram htough. I probably go out again terrified of aging & death terrified of losing my looks my virlity & getting too old I before I have time to enjoy many women & especially young fertile girls. I go out again in this horrible, no think positive, I have brain fog bad health bad sleep I FUCKING NEED SPIRITUALITY NOW DON'T I!!! DON'T I NOW IT SHOULD WORK WHEN U DONT HAVE THE HEALTH I NEED THAT SPIRITUAL SELF AMUSEMENT SO 7+'S SUCK MY COCK PLZ ERHRHHRKEHEHERLHJR ARHH GIVE ME CHARISMA LORD, DON'T LET ME BE THAT BORING GUY PRESENTED AS THAT BORING GUY WITH NOTHING GOING ON, NOOOO!!!!! NOOOO HALO EFFECT MUTHERFUCKER!! I AM THE FUCKING KING ARHHJKDJSDAKJFHSD

I've changed my mind a low with Owen but I actually really like him. His analysis on social dynamics (not just dating), how he explains validation & neediness ect.. I find very useful. He's definitely good for making friends, building charisma & understanding relationships. So I'm not sure why people are calling him shallow here? @Leo Gura I'd say him & Julian do have a pretty strong purpose & they're helping people, probably prevented many suicides. I find his spiritual element is decent too, he emphasises a good practical sense of spirituality, just being grounded & in the moment & he relates this to social dynamics too. Anyone who emphasises mediation I instantly admire them more than otherwise, & I like this element of James marshal too. Again it's about finding the good & leaving the mediocre, I wouldn't get coaching from James marshall I wouldn't pay thousands for his courses, I don't think his game is that exceptional, but his messages on lifestyle & building social currency is something else, & it's because of him that I actually considered Meditating, he persuaded me of the pracital imperative of meditation. So I respect James for that aspect but again he isn't my no.1 idol I don't even watch his pickup that much, but if he ever makes a video on lifestyle, meditation or social currency again I will jump to watch it. owen is one of the few high status PUAs/coaches who emphasise this spirttual element rather than espousing hypermasculinity shit, he also doesn't drink & he doesn't judge other people that much. ... Given the way most people are in society you guys have pretty harsh standards, I'd say he's pretty in advanced. Yes I agree fuck listening to his general views on life, his general views are very sloppy & not founded on decades of experience or study, but his take on social dynamics certainly are, he is also very charismatic & authentic imo, some people would obviously find him annoying but I respect his persona, I find bland restricted people who hold back & try to fit in annoying, they're always the ones who judge others for being themselves too .. you don't meet many clones of him day to day.

Im so addicted to overthinking. It is an addiction. I need mindfulness. I need the clearest mind ever. Mind power is everything. So difficult, 10,000X More difficult then getting big in the gym. The gym is overrated, so fucking easy it's pathetic. The mind is hard. The mind is so difficult. ^ wait a minute, WHAT THE FUCK! Look at that self depcetion EXACTLY as I'm trying to point towards my overthining addiction, the mind decides to enmesh itself in more overthining! LOOOOL. WELL AT LEAST I NOTICED U U CRAZY FUK, I'M CATCHING U OUT THIS TIME. No mind.& zero self consciousness now. I am hesitating on day game because I care what people think subsconiosuly still, I still hold back, ah.

I thought I was an extrovert but I don't know anymore. Maybe I don't understand extroversion. I guess there's a scale it's not black & white. I'm only good at small talk when in a certain mood, I'm always observing & reflecting & analysing stuff, this doesn't help me socially. I notice thigngs & get lost inside my head & then this translates into awkward energy. I'm pretty good at appearing extroverted though, I can seem like the most extraverted guy in the room at times, but normally I'm not tbh, I kinda do wish I built myself up earlier on eg you tube or built some status & value & then could meet women that way, a part of me doesn't want to go out, but a part of me loves it too, it's hard, of course I love it if I was to get the girl I want! lol, the point is I guessing it takes work to love it It's just easy to get defeated with pickup, so easy ... because 80% of guys u see aren't succeeding, even taller/or more handsome guys I see, I see the frustration in them & their game not working. Ah I am tired right now & I was sleeping well but then my (temporary) room mate came back & it woke me up, I was tired enough to sleep & get ready early for tomorrow but my neediness & hornyness fucked it up, She has massive tits & shes columbiana, we had good conversation & I even eased my way in to dancing with her, but I just didn't sease the moment then ... I felt like kissing her but I didn't ... this was like 5PM, then I went back to my bed & we just talked, the sexual energy went downhill again & at this point everything got too slow & ... I just should've pulled the trigger, rejection isn't awkward if u go for it straight away to make things worse she woke me up & i compromised my sleep just because of the possibility of sleeping with her, but she had a flight & probably lost attraction at this point (or was just never as interested as I expected in the 1st place) Ah, I listen to tylers videos about grounded energy & being grounded in your own validation > But I'm still not embodying the advice, my whole life I have struggled with this, always giving my power away. But I'm always in such deep thought like when I was at this club yesterday I was just observing & analysing everything the whole time, I would look at this lady at the bar or taking the coats & be just feeling bad, like why couldn't robots be doing this job & why must she spend her saturday night doing this, filling up drinks for everyone, one by one. Then this thought made me hate alcohol even more because it's like if people didn't need alcohol the bar staff wouldn't have to serve them, but I guess it's an optional perspective, if people didn't drink there would be less jobs around, & I have done that job myself & that helped me back then I guess... It was more the specifics of the venue, a big club but the bargirl was alone & constantly serving people, some people can enjoy bar work I guess if it's social & a more communal venue, I dunno I just don't like getting drinks at a club. Recently I watched the social matrix by Leo & wow, it tends to tie in so well with my thought processes at the moment, a big problem with alcohol is not that it is addictive (although if u get really depressed it can be), but the problem even with mentally stable people ect.. is that it's so fucking superglued to social activities, you pay for the meetup & u get "free drinks" & then all ur social group go to get a drink & u fucking que there for like 40 minutes ... How can this not bother people so much, I had to put up with this & I was just furious internally with the lack of efficiency .. Fuck this, just need to find a no alcohol wingman no b.s at the club me & this other guy got approached by like two 5/10's, I had entertained brief convo with her but it was so awkward, pick up is brutal for women too, only unattractive women, it's just when ur alone online stuck in a red/blackpill echo chamber u start to demonize all women, but u can't forget it's only the attractive women that are ridiculously spoilt in life, 7's + but not 4 5 or 6;s It's horrible energetically rejecting people I don't like it, I should just say "I have a girlfriend", but tbh I rarely get approached When I went out this women in the social meetup group was talking to me a lot & it was very clear she was into it, but in my head I decided to not go for it & again a part of me feels horrible about this, she was very nice, I just wasn't into her enough but, thinking about maybe I regret it now? I mean she had nice tits, & nice personality, it was an easy option & I could've not had to stay out due to neediness until 6am, I could've maybe gone home with her early, I don't know if this just my dik talking rn trying to lower my standards but I'm kinda fucking stupid tbh, because the girl I started chasing later looking back was probably less attractive then this 1st one, it's weird because I was kinda attracted to her but wasn't sure, this may sound dumb but sometimes it's actually hard to know, I'm not sure if I fully agree with leo that u gotta be 100% attracted like shes a 7.5 + all rounder always because as a newbie its momentum & also man if I just fucked her i'd probably be focusing on my life right now, probably wouldhn't have been overcompensating with ceaseless neediness & distraction & she was really nice, I kinda feel bad now picturing her low self esteem from my energetic rejection, I mean if she was deadbeat ugly obviously wtf else would I do but that's my point, like her body was good i think but she wasn't showing it that much with her dress, her face was? Kinda nice in a way lol. Wow I think about sex & women so much, I wish game wasn't so hard for me because the most natural thing for me is to just be a man whore, not even merely as a "fuckboy asshole" but label it as a hippy thing if u want, but I just want to make love to women in so much variety, and to do it qquckly. I wanna see a woman on the street & approach & be able to fuck her 5 minutes later if she's free, I mean that's probably the natural state of affairs but so much deep layers of cultural conditioning, like using heating or polyester clothing instead of some robe that's existed millenia. Younger women, older women, 40 year old yoga milf, 18-20 year old college girls, 25 year old bargirl, 27 year old business women, latina girl, French girl, American girls, asian girls, mixed race girls, Iraqi girl, Polish girl. Married mum I want her too, & I want her daughter. This is very authentic how much I like women, it's authentically more hippy like of me, u could say or u could just say I'm like a dog, but I want to fuck so many different women everywhere, I want to massage them & fuck them in so many different ways & inappropriate contexts. In my ideal life I'd probably be like an introvert who fucks women a lot, I dunno anymore it does give u connection benefits to have friends but do I really give a fuck, do I even give a fuck about having guy friends isn't it just so I can get more social access = more women, I dunno this current thought process is ungrounded because perhaps if I started fucking more easily i'd feel the oppsoite, "is that it then, I wanna go meet some guy friends now", wow so fucking volatile & brittle is a worldview & perspective isn't it? I need effective game because I feel like I have been desiring women in this exact thought process since I was at least 13 years old, in an ideal world I would've started fucking my teacher at 14, I was built to do it but too taboo for society, the thing is I don't see anything wrong with it, it doesn't work the other way tho. I would never eeven look at a 14 year old that way, but when u consider a fully grown high T 14 year old, it's like that shits a gift that kid could probably bust like 10 nuts & the teacher is stressed & what is a more kinky story than that lol, u couldn't call it rape with a big virile 14 year old who couldn't complain, lol damm 14 year old me where was my teacher game. I'm so grateful for all Leo's content & tbh I can't say it's always the most directly practical at all times, Leo won't make me a millionaire I just need conscientiousness & discipline for that really, but he does give my life more meaning, yes again I create my own meaning but leo fuels my mind to think more holistically & outside the box, always psychology & leo extra just offers something that university courses can't do for me ... What I don't really resonate with leo about is life purpose, my life purpose is to fuck women, I can't deal with life purpose, too much pressure I just must fuck women & earn money Wow! paradox bro! thought u were going deep before who's the "shallow" guy now huh?? Well guess what being deep thinker gets tiring, you get tired of your own nature & the shallowness of money & women is a beautiful contrast for me, the thought of getting out my head & being shallow, ah so beautiful that thought. I'm talking counterbalancing here, I always fall when the seesaw leans ... No pretentiously tryning too hard to sound poetic here, a thing to I can feel my life falling apart, well I never had much of a life, but I can feel my chances falling apart, I have to balance my sexual neediness with the fact that I am not estabished yet in career, I don't have security, time bomb is ticking & my investments aren't going well anymore, & i'm spending more than I allowed myself, game doesn't need to fucking cost money ffs, there's women everywhere, ah I gotta self accept, accept life, in fact I'm grateful for the struggle, not getting everything handed on a plate, im grateful i have to work hard to become an attractive person, it will be more rewarding once I get there, but then tbh fuck this i'm not grateul also i'm like JUST PLEASE HURRY UP AH NO NEEDY ENERGY I CAN'T SHAKE IT OFF ME I CAN'T EVEN CONCENTRATE & then I crumble again, & then addiction comes. I am far from being a grounded person. That is a major weakness of mine. Mecury detox .. Head spinning, all over the place, I think about million things at once, u can imagine why I'm so unconscientious & undisciplined in my life now. ... Could money actually become my life purpose? I have this urge to become a brutal capitalist, with the purpose to give away as much money as possible & change society via investing in all the places that count. I can just give great people lots of money, but wait? oNLY THOSE WHO DEREVE IT LOOL u see I have very strong biased love, fuck with me disown me u get cursed with witches stage red shadow, evil energy, leave now. Stage green love energy, think about women instead, ah I need that feminine presence in my life, I'm the most loving misogynist ever, feminine women, their touch, how emotional they are, the way they lean on your shoulder after sex, I don't get enough sex ... Lool wtf is happening to mind right now, I was ready to sleep before, ah it's the fucking heating, why do they use heating in this place HEATING ISN'T NATURAL LET NATURE BE NATURE OOOH. NATURE

Shame. No matter what I do I feel a constant drag of shame. y 203 When I stay in a lot i'm "unablanced", an incel, anti social loner, a loser, a boring guy ect... Then when I go out I'm "silly douchebag immature loser". I think this time tho the shame is deserved, I struggled to find balance. I need to go home latest by 2-3AM (Usually) even on weekends. I'm not in leos position, I'm not rich & I won't survive if I live like him, I need 80/20 rule, I need brutal efficiency & no b.s I also need to start actually going out with wingmen. I met some social groups & it feels nice, it puts a band aid on that gaping lonely wound, but it's also so fucking innefective ... Like I said I'm actually a lot more logical than I thought, (this is bad & good news), it's just that I'm not that conscientious naturally nor do I have great emotional intelligence (Naturally), so being logical doesn't instantly mean "he's succesful", they're not really related being conscientious is more important. I'm logical in theory but in practice I keep harming myself, hesitating too long when the time is right, staying in set too long with the wrong girl, with a 6 or 6.5, or staying out too late, but the results aren't proportional to how long you stay out, it's all about CONCENTRATION. U Can go out till 12am, 1am & do soo much get results ect.. if you act fast & keep pushing it. But whenever for me there's so much messing about. I don't think I can do social circle stuff anymore, It's too inneficient!, I'm too fucking logical for it. After all these self help books & concepts I've internalised & parkisons law & the 80/20 rule & being a strategic mofo & holistic thinking & planning & logistics & pick up theory & philosophy & health & balance it's changed my brain, I can't deal with inefficiency, I mean I never could really but now the theory is so crystal clear at the forefront of my prefrontal cortex that nmy behaviour is misaligned with my intentions/mindset/thought process, & this is very frustrating Very important lesson : IT'S ALL ABOUT CONCENTRATION, CONCENTRATION OF FORCE! There's always a 1 or 2 period of the night (relative to ur countyr/city ect..) that is most hot, with the most people out, the "sweetspot hours", where you're not too tired yet, where people are fresh & excited. This is the time to go hard! Then if u fail it's up to u whether to stay out but u don't need to, I don't wanna be up until 6AM, & as I said I haven't earnt leo's privildge to do that without regret or shame, I gotta program this into myself every day, I have to be nuanced with my pick up, but lets simplify, I need Grounding Rules : e.g "tonight I will leave home by 3am no matter what "If I don't hook the girl within 5 or 10 minutes, I leave & find another girl" Try to always drink as little as possible, ideally none at all, but I give myself some minor leewiegh as I'm getting started "I won't fight or wait around for a girl if she's not worth it (usually the case), because plenty of fish & my life comes first" "I will try my absolute best to sacrifice my health & wellbeing the least as a consequence of pick up" I will always beware of Putting the theory in practice, the plan to action & returning, whenever needed, to my healthy/productive "crutches" (not alcohol, deep breathing, LAO, Visualization, positive self talk, getting in state naturally, gd logistics) For the next week I am going to dedicate myself to work & then a lot more day game approaches. I need to be careful, gotta be wise, I'm not in Leo's position so just doing pickup I'll go homeless lool, a lot to do, drinking or eating wrong or staying up untill 6am is not gonna help mychances, i;m already overloaded, but I think I got what it takes this time not to crumble, I've crumbled many times in my life before, 1k 5k 10k 30k then it all sinks down each time. I need sustainability, I need optimization, I wanna be Machiavellian.

I deleted my last post because it was so silly & purely coming from a certain mood I was in. I am now in a completely different & more complex mood & thought pattern that is more genuine Insights : Life is hard because it's an art, not a science. Life is hard because it is emotional, not logical & emotions are way way trickier than logic. Emotional mastery is the opposite of default or normal, emotional mastery is so so rare *(Having said that is "emotional mastery" even necessary? Some people I see are just genuinely so happy, non needy, they enjoy a simple life & like their family & friends, they have a constant smiley expression & uplifted persona, do those people really need emotional mastery? "Isn't emotional mastery just an overcompensating expression for people with deficiencies, addictions, insecurity, mental issues, bad genetics or trauma?" Dont they just need to be more like the former type, which is just being a happy simple person). If I was unemotional I could easily just be following a clear logical script right now, taking me straight to 7 or 8 figures, with a lot of security, life skills & perhaps some status. My problem was never a lack of opportunity, it was always internal. Although there is certainly a societal problem too which unavoidably affects every individual : For example the abundance of toxic basic assumptions*, the polluted world (food water air clothing), ubiquitous marketing & imprinting > (feeds in to toxic basic assumptions), "U don't need to drink to enjoy socializing, to be confident with women, to be in the present moment & to get out of that horrible autistic logical brain of mine" > I hope this is true Because last night I was in very boring logical mode & I even lost the girl I wanted : "I'm pretty tired I think I could do with some caffeina, you know caffiene helps that you should get some too, Hey come with me to go get caffeina girl" I previously posted how I was comically gifted & "just born with it & I have a god like ability ... But how arrogant is that, the truth is at defaut I am a very bland logical guy who can't flirt, so do Have to work with awareness & sobriety in order to become genuinely & consistently naturally funny by default. It's complicated because my potential to be funny/fun/charismatic I think is quite high, It's a paradox because I feel as though I'm extremely logical & algorithmic & boring but simultaneously I have a higher potential than average. I'm getting towards lots of interesting valuable thoughts & insights here about myself & reality, however I am under slept & I ate pork today & drank last night so my brain is not working well, under slept cos I was woken up unfairly anyway this is frustrating. The structure of all this completely undermined by the state of my brain right now & this sucks ... very unsatisfying like like the interrupted fuck I got last night that I worked hard for. Oh so much in my head right now gonna try & get a long nap in & come back to this post. I don't even feel like I should be writing on here because I want to leave this account & "don't want attention", but there is some comfort in this act of anonymously sharing my thought process & even more so my mood & my pain, which is partly driven by the bad sleep/alcohol but mostly driven by disappointment & that gaping whole, that feeling so alone which is paradoxically become much greater after I met a woman, but it ended too quickly & it got interrupted & she had to get a flight, but I guess all this thoughts is me being needy now. I'm going to go out again tongight but I wish I was already in a high vibrational state & not tired ect.. because I'm more likely to drink to cover it up to get in state, that vicious cycle. I didn't expect to pull on my 1st night out but I'm not exactly proud of it, I drank alcohol & my game wasn't great. She eventually went home with me but I took sooo long & she initally got bored of me & I started getting depressed & doubting myself about "how i's just a boring logical guy & went into bad mood like an hour" ..then after another drink & some dancing I got slightly more in state, I kept looking over this adorable girl every couple minutes & had this confusing hint of she sorta wants me but or feels my desire for her & finds that cute but also is busy & completely unattached (& dancing with another guy) So I started grinding on this attractive girl in our (online meetup) social group, I was enjoying it (but subtly hoping the girl i really wanted was noticing) > but tht ended somehow then so I started dancing with this other girl in the group (who I was defo not attracted to, she was OK but not for me) > we start dancing & then I make out with her, (& this was pretty easy because she was drinking & average at best) but the real reason I did it was to make the adorable girl jealous .. & it maybe worked because I saw her looking over more ... she actually grabbed me we danced a bit I tried to kiss her though & she rejected my kiss & she left me again, then I kinda felt bitter & danced alone for a while did physical approach on several women & got very negative reactions then just sorta leafed around the air for another hour, then eventually I just found the adorable girl again we agreed to go downstairs, thankfully it was packed downstairs & music so we danced it got it off, at this point she was really into & I was so relieved, we went back to mine & she even had an objection of wanting to go home & chill instead but I got past that wall, then we went home & after 10 minutes some asshole complained & she had to go, never see her again. funny how game is a "matter of inches", just 1 unluckily bad ending turned what could've been a very well earnt but satisfying night of intense sex & intimacy in to a bitter mood & underslept brain feeling that "this shit aint worth it & life's not fair blahblah. if ur reading this rn then u might be somewhat confused, that' s beause I never fully write clearly or in as much detail as I should & in a way this limits the effectiveness of my jounral but I don't like being too desciptive otherwise it feels as if I might as well post a naked pic of myself with my adress, identity card ect.. anway tangent over. Now im probably gonna go out & fall for the same problems again. ah I feel like this is too descriptive for me, I get paranoid sometimes that people I interact with read these journals lol Too much info about myself, can't go in too much detail. such an unholy mess of mixed unrelated thoughts on here, I must come back to this & resort ... ok I need to socialize again now, need to runaway from myself, I need distraction. Oh yh, I also feel bad because society is so brutal, I'm brutal I kissed the less attractive girl to make jealous the other girl I wanted & sorta ignored that less attractive girl afterwards (& maybe disappointed her) but there was no way in hello I wouldn't have taken that root, gettting the girl I wanted was more important for me than hurting or confusing the other girl. & It may backfire because I don't wanna seem like a dick & I've gotta remember the importance of general social popularity otherwise I don't have friend group to hit the club with in the 1st place, & wingman's good but it's good practice to have social gropus too. People dissmiss the club as some lazy person activity but if its imo brutal, it's often brutal to me but as i just mentioned u can easily hurt others like girls ur not into urself, Going out & pick up is like a constant test of ur ablitity to deal with loss & rejection. But of couse logistics & game & money & building good friends will minimize the brutality & rejection & needyness of it a lot, Like if I had my own place or could afford hotels I wouldn't have lost last night, that sex was way too short it hurts. 1 Toxic basic (societal) assumption = "u need to drink to have fun or drinking = social net positive or drinking = worth it" Well I hope its false & common sense tells me it is But I think it takes a lot of work to have as much or more fun than drunk people sober & that's how u build real unshakeable game & confidence, but man is that tough, I have to do it though I dont like ill health I dont want htis. But also I want Fast Game. I don't wanna be at club until 5AM, Maybe on occasions if its a huge event but that can't be sustainable & also like with the last girl it's like ah yes the chase was satisfying in a way, but at least half the time it took, give me the chase & temporary heartbrake & the catharsis but fucking get it done by 1 or 2am lol, & fuck next day conseqquences I gotta always have a secure place to stay so I get my 7 hours in & don't lose the day next or worse lose my discipline in life & then get broke & then I'm trouble I can't go out & no longer have money to invest .... overthinking now yes Holism, this is why money matters, fuck a fast car I don't care, that's nice i'll take it on a plate but still fuck a fast car, money is for lifestyle. What do I want? So I want 2 things that feel in conflict with each other : I want to have great fun & bring great energy (& sexual energy) in to my interactions I want to overcome logical talk & flirt sexualize & physically escalate by default & do it rapidly & no b.s But I want to not drink often have ZERO clutches I want to sleep 7 + hours the next day & not feel like a zombie or age my skin anymore I want variety & abundance & I want massive experience & skill & non neediness But I also want proper connection & more than 1 night stands I want girls to acompany me if I go out to eat or go cinema or something, I couldnt handle a formal relationship but Im just done with being that loner, always doing leisure activitie son my own I cant let pickup mess up with my chances in life of succeeding or getting stuck in wage slavery rat race deeper again because of being a drunk idiot, I have to be holistic But I want to go out every day as well > But only half the day! i work the rest I now understand the brutality of dating & human interactions, & I want to be a nice guy but I'm also a brutal logician, brutal manipulator & I proved this last night, I am also prone to pride & being hurt, I don't let things go so easily & although I can be intimate if I get hurt by 1 girl I can see how cold this can make me, I want the intimacy but it depends, if I get disappointed enough then I start to use women, I can see them as like a competition rather than being genuine connection & it's like "I have to win over u bitch", then I take ur friend & I fuck the whole group. But this isn't necessarily what I want, but the mind is a giant web of self deception, & if u blend in emotions disappointment, stress, insecurity or anything else ... then self deception becomes a force of it's own, self bias becomes limitless & introspection gets left for dead (2). I expect so much of myself, I hope it doesnt pan out like that allergorical tale (that maybe im imagining) of the man who pushed himself so much that he crumbled from his own weight. TOO MUCH FUCKING THINKING ... "I'M A DUMB ANIMALISTCALLY SEXUAL GUY THAT SMILES A LOT OK... (Lol I just want to rewatch "self deception mechanisms part 2" again so much, but I must watch stupid comedy instead or music. OH AND NAP HEALTH ARH FUK MAN. I miss that girl it hurt me how quick that lasted, interrupted passion why god u do this.

Just woke up from a 2-3 hour nap. Now I start my "Night" until about 4AM. I'm sure Matthew walker wouldn't approve, I accept this as a new part of me, It's not within my choice when to nap, I listen to my body. Tons of fear in my chest. Nothing rational about my fear. Old traumas resurfacing as anxious bodily sensations. Old sensations of being alone, how I'm meant to be alone, nothing surface level will change that. I don't know how I overcome that problem, maybe I'll just grow out of it, I feel like no matter how many friends I obtain or where I live, I'll always feel like I'm a loner, & that might just always fuck me somehow. Oh well, No time to dwell on that thought, just something to consider for future introspection. I can feel the homeostasis comfort mechanism kicking in, have to kill it with massive action. I can feel shame & guilt coming in, have to kill it with massive self - acceptance & self - love. I'm not meant to succeed, I'm not meant to be fulfilled. But I chose to. I think this is probably the last day of ever using this account, I need a symbolic fresh start in every area of my life. Today is January 1st, 2022 This week is January 1st, 2022 This entire week is January 1st, 2022 It's all a fresh start.

I'm really tired right now. Not sure if it's sleep or fog. I need a nap but it's probably will cost me tomorrow. I have to get ready. Fuck preparation, fuck being a strategic motherfucker. I'm like the joker, I not evil like that but I just do stuff, I dont plan, I can be pretty creative & think on the spot like the joker, but should I really be a strategic motherfucker? I watched the vid, but I feel like it doesn't resonate. Sure a general must gather the resources for his troops & think long term tactical, but that's a specific context. No one is counting on me but me, I feel like I can win at life being like the joker, spontaneous but crafty & creative, quick thinker. Maybe I am just rationalising my weakness? Lol, I should probably do more planning bruh. I can always blend the two. Blend sponatneity with stategy, duh. Avoidance of truth ... I now turn off this forum & will not use it at all this evening. No youtube or forum this evening, I am tired introspect & action.

Cus Understood the power of Affirmations. Ali too. You'd think it was about the genetics, physicality. Tyson was the smallest heavy weight by far. Ali wasn't that big either. They both just understood affirmations, especially Tysons trainer. Affirmations & a egomaniacal level of self belief. It's just the warrior mindset. Cus was a master psychologist. How many time in my life has self - doubt sabotaged me ? Well half assing confidence & a couple meek affirmations here & there aint working. No. God level confidence. I'm not at the stage to be all green yet. It's not appropraite. I have to go all the way, every day. Every time I talk to myself, every time I imagine something, every time I get rejected by a girl, God level egomaniacal confidence. This is how I keep going. Every time I don't understand something, I start to feel stupid & worthless, I wonder if I'll ever make 10K a month or ever becoming good at anything? NO. None of these thoughts. God level confidence. & No one will manipulate me again, rob me again, fight me again. People evade god level confidence. Look at how Mike tyson would stare down his oppponents. His opponents had already lost. Except you can apply this to your enemy, the enemy that is yourself, stare down that enemy until he backs down. I will never back down, god level egomaniacal confidence. I am chose on this earth by god. I am exceptional. I am 1 in a million. FUck that. I'm 1 in a billion, god level self belief. Gotta love the piano in this lol

I just wasted the last ... ? hour, or 2 ? I can't tell. I think just 1, hopefully. That's the thing when your brain goes into a haze, & u start watching mindless youtube videos, & google searching, & get entrapped (? no wrong wrod ah I need to bemore articulate) U got more encapuslated? not sure what that means, i think thats it .. maybe note. Y .. You get more ah so you get more FUCK WHAT WORD. U GET SOMETHING. u get in a haze ..& u lose the passage of time. & then I start watching WWE Wrestling .. like wtf I don't care? that shit is dumb, so dumb for me. Even JRE, it's mostly just too dumb for me man. It's a beautiful feeling when u realize it tho, when u realize u just been in a haze for an hour & then ur higher self talks to you, & u start to feel negative emotions, it's beautiful. It's like the negative emotions are an act of self love, "saying hey, you'r worth more than this, you deserve fucking more than this". I'm gonna do something useful now, I've not another 5 hours untill I fall asleep, 3AM. Step by step my love, go easy on yourself, just 5 minutes of this, just tie your shoe laces again. & keep listening to this music, not some distracting youtube vid. Let the right brain take over.

Ah man u see this is why environment is so important. In this cold lonely place u have nothing to do but look forward to drinking coke. I miss playing soccer in the sunshine & competing with the other guys, hitting up a scooter & seeing loads of nice 18-20 yr old girls on the train giving me some looks probably because after sports I exude lots of masculine energy but not approaching well I come back to this beautiful places & I approach next time I trust me girls I will destroy you from behind, then I'll give your muma a shot too. mmm Redpill talk hahaha!

I had a really good second half to the day yesterday, Lots of meta skill development & I Learnt how to learn & study more effectively, this will effect every domain of my life, the Actualized textbook is suprisingly helpful for this & for the cutrthoat simple pragmatic vids it's more efficient than watching the videos (not if the topic is pragmatic/complex though) . The 3 hour nap & being awake at night did me really good, batman. Today I went to Lidl > I bought Nuts & other healthy foods I normally buy nuts in plastic since most supermarkets only have them in plastic Instead I found an aisle with open nuts (where u scoop the nuts into a "green" eco bag. ... It turns out these nuts are even worse than the plastics! SOO Much salt!!!! wtfff SOOO MUCH SALT GIVE ME A FUCKING CHOICE ABOUT WHETHER TO ADD SALT TO MY NUTS LIKE ???!!!! WHAT IS IT WITH SOCIETIES OBSESSION WITH SALTING NUTS?? Society just doesn't want the best for you, FUCK SOCIETY. I ate a ton of those nuts & my day has been made worse. I feel tired & I'm very sweaty. Lesson learnt., It's time to start thinking ahead & ordering food in bulk online, this way I can get non processed cleanly packaged food WITHOUT FUCKING SALT. Recently I started reading How to win friends & influence people. I'm wondering if this book will even make a dent in changing my life, I think I will skip this book & find a summary online. Why? >> Because it's not a deep book, it's presumably very simple but effective things (Like smiling & being interested in others) that can make you popular. So instead of reading the books countless examples, I will just summarize a list & THEN INSTANTLY START DELIBERATE FUCKING PRACTICE. This fits in well with pick up too Pick up is not isolated with general social skills, they blend well I am looking forward to being a likeable, charismatic, popular. charming, fun, attractive guy that people graviate to, that poeple dont forget. I am looking forward for girls calling me, for having a wide variety of friends & being able to make new ones very quickly, fitting with my adventurous lifestyle of my desire, no more stuck in routine monotonous complacency, no more staying in, no more being introverted. No Fap Day 5. When pick up journey starts, I will be No fap day 9/10. Soon this acocunt is over. Probably today. HhUHuhah. ... Feeling kinda depressed, I want a drink, I want to splurge on takeaway. Not bad like macdonalds bu "kind of bad but tasty & numbing" like curry, although the hot plastic is unacceptable I'd atleast walk there. But no I don't have much spare money so I can't I could dirnk though? ... Hm No. I dunno what to do, was meant to move like 2 fucking weeks ago after an already longer delay than desirable, now I need to get ready but I dont have much drive or testoterone right now, no motivation vid helps me maybe the salt doesnt help either. Ok, basics. Instrumental uplifting music & quick walk. I gotta watch out because the temptation for numbing food is high .. Maybe there's a mid point? is there? I dunno pop corn? it's still probably in plastic though, & either tons more salt or sugar. At this rate I'd take the sugar, looool no more salt thanks. Hmm. .. a coke? mmmmhm fuck. I really want a coke, It's probably gonna have Bisphophenal A in it though. I could do with a coke.

Quit Cacoa powders, Maca powder. Because these are all concentrated powder. and anything else? I am trying to strictly remove any sources of heavy metals, as hard as it is.

I'm so sick right it's not good, I don't have time for this need to get stuff done, I forgot to nap so reminding myself to try it now. Tomorrow is elimination diet starts. ... I napped for about 3 hours. That's nice. very unorthodox which feels nice. & Now it's night like I just woke up that's pretty cool, according to Matthew walker I remember u should "Only nap for 20 minutes!" lol, don't fucking care. I am buying a kindle & going to read Seneca. 'You act like mortals in all that you fear, and like immortals in all that you desire.' It's just qoutes & pages like A couple of pages on stoicicsm every day. Especially stoicism that reminds me to value my time, "the shortness of life" by seneca is for me rn This week I will create my new account like I promised. It is still the start of the year in my mind, it is still a fresh start. It is the 1st of January 2022 Today. HUGE growth is happening for me this year. I make a serious bet with myself this time. I'm busting my ass & I'm breaking through. It is the 1st of January 2022 Today. It is the 1st of January 2022 Today. It is the 1st of January 2022 Today. It is the 1st of January 2022 Today.

Pretty bad brain fog. Don't lonely, don't feel grateful, dont feel ungrateful, not having negative thoughts. Literally having zero thoughts like a vegatble, only writing is forcing myself to think. I ate lots of whie rice yesterday & today. I don't think rice suits me, I tried brown & it made me very foggy. I will try not eating tomorrow & see if brain fog occurs, need to feel in to how much it's the food or if its just there anyway. I also went gym this afternoon, probably should save it until evening but I think it's more the rice that counts. I need to chelate soon but often have so much fog I can't be bothered to get the resources to chelate. I have to force myself to be bothered, I do value myself & my life but when u feel like this, it's as if nothing matters. I could easily just stare at my pixel screen for 5 hours like a vegatble right now. This doesn't just apply to work, a part of me is skeptical if I can even do pickup & learn it, I'm not really capable of learning or retaining anything these days. I give in & won't force it ... I'll try to nap/rest. Hopefully I'll have just enough mental energy to do something in 20 minutes. If nothing works then I'll just start gathering chleation resources in this fog, at least my actions leading to some potential future advancement in that case, But to be able to make money with my mind right now hell no. I should feel grateful because I saw a guy with no legs earlier in a wheelchair, that's his life like that. But I don't, because I don't feel anything. I don't like this. Brain fog is worse than depression, as I said before at least negative energy can be sublimated.

What I focus on tomorrow. 4H deep work no exceptions Structure > ggl calendar 1note G maps, research back up drive Revise Learning how to learn - simple notes, (meta learning) > Fuck learning fucking anythin before I learn how to learn, what's the point, fuck that no. everything necessary sticks & applied inmediately. doifhdslihfod fuck this, being alone sucks. it will pass visualization time right now, visualize myself with insane power, imgaine how rich I'll become with technology Insane levels of power. Insane.

Woah, why am I feeling negative right now .. what is that? so I have been feeling negative sevral hours. Yes unmet needs, but I can't change this right now, & they will be met in near future, so there is no logic to feeling negative. I'm 10/10 im 11/10 champion my goals master of my life. 10/10 11/10 champion my goals master of life. 10/10 11/10 im the warriar I'm the king of the land I'm champion my goals master of my life.

Was watching a couple Tai Lopez videos earlier & the act felt a little masochistic. I deliberately watched him because, 1. it's the evening & I have nothing better to do, 2. I just felt like watching a scumbag with no emotional intelligence. Watching this guy made me feel slightly sick in the stomach. I have no problem with rich guys even like poker players traders "orange" guys yeh i'm same, it's fine. It's just deceptive people like Tai lopez, I used to watch his shit at like 18-19, dopamine flooding into my niave desparate & hopeless brain. Lol I was better off working 100 hours a week at 18 if I'd put that in crypto, not listening to guys like him. Anyway, tangent. Only writing because I have nothing else to do. My basic needs so low. Yes I get it solve them dummy but I busted my arse to do that but didn't anticipate being blocked by covid restrictions so I have to wait a little longer until I can move. So annoying had everything ready I guess I took too fucking long coulda ... pointless endless thought there. I know that right now I am providing nothing of technical value to myself or the reader, & countless times I've said I'd be about practicality & optimization, no b.s, concize, giving value & insight & just measuring progress. I'm all for that but right now, I just gotta emotionally support myself .... I'm writing right now under the assumption that this act is somehow therapeutic, obviously as soon as my social life starts again I will be so busy & probably not miserable enough to need to write so much. Some people love to write constantly on here but for me this just means that my life is kinda shit if I'm doing that, I do it but it's often not a good sign. My life going in the right direction with balance is probably more akin to journalling once or twice a week. For me it just seems to work this way. Well, I will always always aim to journal every day but that's different that's private journal & often less reflective & more pragmatic, so this type of journal i mean. I've got this painful feeling in my chest & I want to drink right now, I'm going to drink some alcohol my mouth is dry & chest hurts. I'll probably hide this journal in a day or 2 like I always do, I realized I don't really like attention, I mean in a way I love it, but not when I'm the guy showing all the negatives constantly & all that. I'll cherish attention when I'm purified, I don't want the world to know or see the troubled weak pathetic me that gets all purified out, that isn't part of my identity in my mind just a temporary virus. Fuck, I'm going so nonsensical right now, this is the power of deep unmet needs. Like I said I'm not an idiot, If I could've solve it today I would, but I have to wait wee bit & that's life. I did some good things today. Been learning & applying more technology hacks, something I've been keen on at least a year. I just foresaw like a year ago just how powerful it is, fuck books, books are secondary. Learn how to use google maps creatively before you read books lol. And that's what I'm doing right now, so fucking much you can do with google maps I never opened the curtain to look, I mean how important is that. I guess not if you like routine & u stay in 1 place. Adventerous types need tools, cos u can either feel like a tony stark matrix guy who fucks, or a headless chicken getting lost & stuck, that been me a lot of my life. Fuck Tai Lopez. This guy shows that reading lots of books doesn't make u smart. Sometimes they just make you think you're smart. He's a smart marketer but I doubt he has anything else, no emotional intelligence, I doubt he has a good relationship. & boohoo lol imagine hitting the club with that guy, going for dinner with that guy. Personality > Books. .... Do I like books or hate them? I dunno a part of me loves books, but they just don't fit my impulsive personality. I wish they were more concise, they often say more than they need to and even if they have super helpful tips or mind expanding ideas in there, lets say "deep work", rarely is it nearly as articulate & concise as it could be, & this pisses me off, like bitchh u didn't need to add that paragraph in, & sometimes they just overthink everything, like the "Monophasic vs dualistic whatever the fuck deep work philiopsy" no one cares this is too much, like duh make it fit in with your schedule thats all you need to say carl, dont need 10 pages on this point. https://www.stevenaitchison.co.uk/100-ways-to-develop-your-mind/

@Twega So how are you building muscle without calorie excess, just high % of your diet is protien?

I have just started looking at some of my own forum activity & realized oh shit, this advice from last year is really helpful, & I just forgot about it, or ohh look here is recurrent patterns where I kept complaining about X ect... But Almost this entire time on this forum, I have not looked back at my own threads, at peoples advice from past, at my own journals, & because of this I have missed out much benefits & application. But I know this comes down to fear. I know that I should focus more on embodying the advice I have already received and less is more rather than constant info overload that i'm bs myself because I don't devise implementation plan ... then this makes me feel even more shame that perpetuates the cycle of incompetence and also should look back to see patterns in my own comments & journals (representing my mindset, focus & recurrent thought patterns), rather than always constantly commenting new stuff, judging, journalling more & more endlessly. So looking at yourself is very useful but also just merely going back to old comments & advice on problems I posted lets say a year back is useful, then I could even have forgotten that the solution or mindset to my current problem I need is in those old threads, but because of fear I don't even give myself the chance to find them because whenever I would think to "see my activity" or read through my journals, I'd feel this fear or shame or cringe or worthless sensation. TLDR : I'm acknowledging that it's feels "painful" to look at oneself, emotions of fear, shame & cringe are like a force that doesn't want you to open the curtain.

@Leo Gura I am confused you contradict yourself. "women are super loyal" "Women cheat very easily" Is your point that women won't cheat unless they're not fully invested in the relationship?

list of highest pesticide fruits & vegetables ** Defo avoid these unless you go organic? (*I'm not too sure if them being organic would make it any better though? hmm)

@Javfly33 Listen to your intuition what strong is, feel in to it. Go back in to all the times u were ever strong or weak, feel in to those moments, visualize them. Think of an inspiring movie, think of a strong character, like the protagonist of Shawshank redemption, or some slave rebellion film, or just any character that represented "strong" or anything synonymous to you. I would say being strong is related to dealing with adversity, & holding your ground, it's sort of like phsyical strength but instead your mind physically pushing against the force of weakness, which may be desire to quit or to give in to impulse. U can observe what strength is, visualize it, see it in yourself & contrast it with what weakness means or feels like to you.