Striving for more

I'm fighting back. I felt some fire within me. I'm going to some useful stuff now, I don't want to, I want to masturbate to a photo of that girl I met like a creep, but no I won't do it. I'll text her instead, & I won't expect a response & I couldn't care less cos I'm moving country baby. I'm gonna do this, I'm gonna get my shit together & go back to my to do lists & sort my fucking life out again. The urge to masturbate & go get more food is stronnng, very strong. But I make the the other urge stronger, the desire for life, real life. Goodbye forum, I'm out for a week, If I return sooner, I probably fucked up.

I forgive myself today. Something biological happened & I don't understand it. Somrthing made me feel weird as fuck for hours, still put off. Tomorrow god will give me more luck & I will be able to work.

Keep remembering the guys stuck in prison. Poor guys, stuck in a cell for a bit of sativa. 10 years for weed smuggling, they would kill to be free, free to live DON'T EVER FUCKING BE NEGATIVE OR CONSIDER WASTING THE SHOT YOU HAVE. THIS IS A GIFT! RECONNECT WITH THE MAGIC OF LIFE, HOW LUCKY I AM TO BE FREE. Yeah I got problems, health problems, mental problems & bad habits but I have the FREEDOM to fix them. THose prisoners would killl to have my place, so DON'T waste it.

Sub optimal day today... It's fine. I will forgive & accept myself. I will do 1 or 2 useful things & then listen to some positive podcast or read book. I will then sleep & command subconscious mind deep rest up at 6am & then killing it. I am not my past, no need to revert back into old negative beliefs. I drown out negativity with faith & self love. I love myself, I will act in accordance with that fact. Everything I desire is within reach. I am "so close". I am getting so much smarter every day. Keep growing & maintain patience & faith.

I must have chemical sensitivity because I feel fucking terrible. I spent money on takeaway to take away the pain ( No pun intended). But fuck, I need to act anyway, I need to remind myself of my goal, I need to just get out of this fucking miserable place.

I made a thread becuase I don't full trust my self with anything. a fast laptop in general is certainly a gateway to millions in this day & age, it's obvious. Whether I need a flashy fast laptop is debatable. There's not much point commenting unless you own the laptops I've mentioned or have a better budget suggestion.

but the best laptops are assets, mediocre laptops are liabilities. I didn't phrase my question well, I used the touch screen & pen once in a Microsoft store, & it seemed REALLY USEFUL & worthwhile. I want to know if others have these laptops / tablets because It could be just my naïve consumer mindset. I don't do art, I still believe the touch screen & pen speeds up productivity, perhaps I am deluded.

I HATE FEELING LIKE THIS GOD FUCK YOU FOR TAKING MY POWER AWAY I NEED ENERGY BACK I PREY I GET AWAY FROM THIS PROBLEM

Meditation didn't work. I feel like total shit. It could be the low sleep quality, or the sun scream I applied over my body today, I believe I have multiple chemical sensitivity, (last time I used herbal essences shampoo - I had insomnina & this insanse head rash, was insanely unpleasant & painful). I'm trying to be productive but I just feel like Total shit, 0 mental energy. I ate tinned salmon today & I feel guilty about it. Didn't give me any energy, just poison. This sucks. I'm just sitting here suffering in the heat. NO energy, I have a headache. I used polyester bedding my whole fucking life, had insomnia most of my fucking life & I didn't even know this factor. I hate not having energy. Many people just don't have the energy. It's not laziness, it's a lack of health. I feel like total fucking shit nothings going to get done today it's too much.

strong force pulling me to procrastinate on my goals and tasks. I have been thinking about food & sex for the last 2 hours. Normally I would go & buy a "cheat meal" or order something, & waste money. This time I will meditate for 10 to 20 minutes, & I hope the addictive feeling & urge to procrastinate dissipates & is replaced by an urge to work hard & achieve.

And ... I'm back > I actually forgot about this journal for a while. I Thank the strucutral genius of this forum format for quickly refinding this. So ... I have not been capable of pick up for months, unable walk much ... but had some quick oppurtunities all which I pussied out ... But today was different. I see a cute, feminine latino & we make eye contact I hesitate about 30 seconds (should I approach now?) ... I make eye contact with her again, I sense some keenness in her gaze I hesitate some more ... Finally I approach > " Hey I think your attractive I'm Bob" > she responds with ..? (too shaky & not present enough to even capture her name) I notice shakiness & tension in the body > I ask generic questions & she looks disinterested, slightly uncomfortable I get lost for words, stumbling a bit, & started saying irrelevant stuff "I was going to not approach because at first you looked like 16" (Just stop, say less than necessary) I say ohh " you're from valencia" ... Awkward pause, lost for words she puts her headphones on & steps back a meter.. I wait about 10 seconds, pretend to look at my phone, then I think Persistence, ("she wants the approach, but ur not doing enough") I put on a kinda forced smile : " Am I not interesting enough for you?" She laughs & puts her guard down a bit, I start to realize she's not fluent, so I speak to her in her language, this seemed to work, I see her comfort level rise & she started to smile a bit more, I continued to asked her more generic questions, although slightly more open & engaging ones with a slightly looser tone. we then walked on to the train & I asked some more generic questions, still unable to flirt or make her laugh much though at least the shakiness is gone I finally got her number before she left ... I Don't expect her to reply to me, but I'm so glad I approached. I'm going to need regular practice to kill the shakiness but it's really hard for me right now, I'm unable to use my body much

Only got about 4 hours of sleep last night & it has cost me. I have done some stuff but only operated at about 30% of capability max I have this tendency to try and nap every time I have a rough night, but it's sooo frustrating. THE NAP NEVER WORKS. I try to nap for "20 minutes" with good intention, then I end up just laying there nearly an hour, often masturbating. I must not break my rule of no caffiene after 10 AM, I am too sensitive. Sleep is important but ... I want to have the discipline & focus to still do everything in spite of fatigue, as we can't always sleep well, sometimes it's out of our control. I often rationalize to myself laziness because "I'm too tired there's no point" ... but it's better to push through & sleep it off the next day. It's pretty tough seeing the whether & people outside socializing, exercising & my body still hasn't healed yet, I just can't wait to feel athletic & agile. Not exercising or socializing too makes me think about food & sex more I think, harder to focus with all that pent up energy & boredom. The only tool I have rn though is meditation, I have to harness gratitude too because truthfully my situation is peanuts compared to a convict, especially a falsely accused convict, thousands of those guys must sit in a cell today, so I am so so grateful, I just have to remind myself of what I have, instead of whining that everything isn't perfect.

Deep sense of hollow emptiness arose within me. I get this feeling every day. It's ok, I accept it. I won't avoid it, I go outside & observe the feeling, meditate on it.

This evening I wasted 20-40 minutes thinking about food. Healthy food, unhealthy food, sweet food, salty food. Ice cream, sugar, Almond milk, honey, burritos, fish in a creamy source in a pie ... mmm can't let it goo ... ah This all occured ironically after watching Leo's new marketing vid. I will need to work on detachment a lot. I have attachments to food still, even though I am eating decent, the long, long decade long attachment doesn't disappear overnight. It's very very easy for me to lapse. Extremely easy. And I did lapse with alcohol last week ... & it costs me 3 days of productivity ... just from 1 decision. Moreover, I have many unmet needs, real worthwhile needs, so my brain tries to distract myself by chasing lower needs to avoid the lack, the hole. I realize, I am at war with my mind, especially in this time, where I am very deficient & not where I want to be, I AM AT WAR WITH MY MIND. I can not get complacent & I see my mind as the enemy, a very capable, sneaky, cunning foe. I must be 10X stronger, more creative & more tactical than that foe ... & even then I must never lose sight on the foes ability to catch me off guard ... at any moment, from any angle. The foe could catch me when I'm down, the foe could catch me when I win, "time to celebrate now, look I had a small win here ... & already by the inception of that thought, I have already lost. The mind then takes me even lower than where I started, & it becomes 1 step forward, 3 step back. I feel like there's a massive split in my psyche. I thought I'd grown, but I have a long, long way to go. And as for who I am? There's a strong force that wants power & respect, sometimes even "revenge" on society, through being better than everyone else, I want all the money & the women & the status, & the resources I want to soak it all up & bathe in it for eternity, & take anti aging pills & limitless drugs & bathe in this power for 100's of fucking years. I want to laugh at everyone who doubted me, I want to make envious those who I envied. But there's another side of me, equally powerful, but more balanced. The side of me who wants to win at life to inspire others, to show that you can go from nobody to something, to express creativity & authenticity. & I'm done. I'm exhausting myself with thoughts. Enough. la piensa tiene limitationes, Puta, eh eheh.

Today was a better day... I did 20-30% better than yesterday, no porn today either. I did some check points. I chose to allow myself to be proud of the small wins, tomorrow I aim for 10% higher. Gradual progress, playing the patient game now. Now I go watch leo's new vid, interesting ... juicy.

Sickk!

In spite of the empowering journals I have been held back by distractions today. I broke some integrity with myself ... I wasted time. I don't feel shame or guilt I just feel ... Foggy, Docile & apathetic. This is not good ^ apathy is the worst energy field for success, even lower than negative emotions. Today I half completed sub steps to my Goal, but instead I got distracted by food & sexual impulse. I spent too much time eating, thinking about food & cooking. I binged on some Musueli containing Sulphur Dioxide (Probs not great) Then I got back to tidying & preparing items to sell. ... But then I masturbated to porn for 20 + Minutes. By this point I the task of tidying & listing items slipped away from me & not long after I already felt too tired... IT IS ESPECIALLY CRUCIAL I WASTE AS LITTLE TIME AS POSSIBLE WHEN MY ENERGY IS HIGH ... 10PM 12PM 3PM 4PM ...ETC. THESE HOURS ARE PRECIOUS. STOP FUCKING ABOUT. Tomorrow I will just have to get going straight away. No morning routine or mediation this time > PUshing that to the afternoon because I have to prove to myself again that I'm productive straight away The first 2 hours of the day will be instant productivity > I will complete my highest priorities 6-8AM

I shouldn't keep writing because I have to go & be productive ... But I just suddenly felt something in my chest, intense almost painful sensation of desire. I want it so bad, to be at the airport, to be on that plane, looking out into the horizon, to feel challenged, to feel engaged, to be in the present moment, a sense of wonder, novelty, excitement for the unknown & unpredictable future, with no limits & no certainty. I wanna see that hot air hostess & I want her to feel that look in my eye, a young guy who's finally on the path, the path of discovery, going after his dreams, making bold moves. The look will communicate 0 degree of resignation, 0 degree of apathy but a 100 fucking degrees of fire, call me Celsius. I command thy subconscious mind to get spiritual, to keep sparking the flame... Persistence & Relentless action all I need at this stage. Persistence, Relentlessness, forward thinking, no more rumination & no more distraction with base desires & hollow pleasures. There is really nothing more to say, I go now & carry the spirit with me, the spirit of a spartan, the spirit of the Greek gods with large eagle eyes who see in to the future. I will be decisive & make bold sudden moves, yet I will plan to the end.

Meals eaten today : Flax seeds, banana & coconut milk smoothie Mixed nuts Cucumber Olives Full pounder of grass fed meet Old habit / Urge appeared > The shops nearby, lets go buy some popcorn & dr pepper mmm (It's a Saturday, lets have a rest) ... NO, I'm OK Thanks. I'll let that thought fly away Finished eating about 2 - 2:30 PM >> FUCK IT, Lets do 24 hour fast. No food (Except morning Tea) until 2PM Tomorrow Room = Half tidy & minimized > Clearing out all the junk I forgot to remove, just idly taking up space Jordan Peterson Time. Found out I have been using polyester pillow, pillow case & duvet case for years ... throwing that shit away & ordering 100% cotton. Now I go & continue, I rebuild myself, I tidy my room, I tidy my desk, tidy my computer, clear my emails, arrange google calendar, sort out one note, write key priorities for the week, I order the utility items I need, I list photos of everything to sell & sell em all. soon I must book flights, I must make this move real ... until I booked the flight it doesn't exist

Ok to so masturbating daily and eating cheap "convenient" food = Sleeping 10 hours and waking up to pee 4 times, waking up foggy, worse skin & a slight headache. It's also expensive "cheap" quality, but $10 for a burger & fries = 3-7 days of organic chicken. I just realised my pillow, my dressing gown & perhaps even my bed sheets are all polyester. Maybe this is one factor why I get so hot at night & always struggled in the summer. I dream of silk sheets, silk & linen clothes, perfect materials for all weathers. From today I decide to restart the clock, ditch my "Loser effect" and create a "winner effect" Meditate & Visualize my dream life with soul lifting music > 10 Minutes sell everything I own I don't need Get all items e.g. keyboard fixed via amazon warranty Sell my PC & monitor & get a good laptop because I'll need one on my journey Study hard hard today, learn about a mix of subjects Spend 4 hours of deep work towards my online career EAT NO JUNK MEAT OR FRIES TODAY These are all ideals, it's fine if I do 50% or 20% or 10%, I'll do my best , as long as there is consistency that's all that counts, I refer to Atomic Habits to clarify this mindset

Diverse sources of learning: I spend too much time on this forum > not even as procrastination, but my downtime is heavily leant towards actualized.org ... when there are other great sources to learn from Actualized.org is a limited resource & a limited perspective This forum is great, but there are other sources that have a different style, a different format, different expertise ect... This website is good for the big picture ... & sometimes good for specific hacks & tips But there are other websites, teachers, videos, books & forums that also teach me different stuff, in more detail, from a different perspective There's many ways to learn & study, there's online or in person courses, workshops. Learning in 1 way or using 1 medium stunts your growth There's direct experience as king too, the means to integrate & synthesize all the mind's collected data > e.g. doing projects In my late evening sessions, I will be still on here, but I will have a balanced ratio to other sources of learning One interesting service I'm looking into now is called Gia - looks juicy

I just completed a small half step of a little step of my to do list. On to the next ones, 1% then another, then 0.5% then another ... until I am Batman.

AHHH. I have to recover mentally now & get out of this rut. I can't delay my goals like this. Injury or not, I'll work it out, I'm not staying in this place.

I'm feeling a bit stuck in a rut ... I keep wasting so much money on fast food & lattes & other stuff. All my shit keeps breaking, I still don't have the infrastructure I need, & I wish I just sorted it out ages ago. Time to get going soon, but small steps, I have to have low expectations & gradually raise the standard again, because I'm in a rut right now. Each day I raise the standard again by 20%, if I go higher great ... but I can't be disappointed because standard is low. Aim low, Dream big.

Looking back at my journals I constantly reminded of how neurotic I actually am... In a sense though it is partially just my nature. But PARTIALLY, some of my journals ... which are unapologetically unfiltered transparent reflection of my internal state & thought processes seem almost forced, like I'm just unable to accept the present moment, stuck in a loop & unable to accept dall my flaws & shortcomings & trying to squeeze out pointless repetitive thoughts. .. It's like i'm tryna take a shit, but there's no shit there, but I'm trying to shit & god is saying " just let it go bro, it's not time to shit today, you'll have your time".] Maybe I need to journal less frequently, but with better timing. Sometimes I feel really insightful or refreshed after a paraphraph, sometimes I just feel like I went to take a shit & there was nothing there (and that really is the perfect and only analogy to articulate my point here). (You don't understand until you actually experience that scenario