Striving for more

Expensive Panic Attack. Arrogant with the money I got an expensive panic attack. The alcohols coming No regrets. I wanted peace but I'm only trying to knock myself out of reality, GABAergic neurons are excited ready to fuck me. I'm not into dick but I'll ride the Gaba tonight. Deliver to my door this world that we're in, Efficiency the beauty of it wanna be part of it wanna create it bitch I'll build a city.

Panic attack again, no sleep tonight. Mobile Hotspot, thought I'd lost the plot but I could think my way through mobile hotspot, so I guess I'll be alright, no sleep tonight. Had to write cos there's nothing fucking else to do. Not in this state, I can't watch some film or go unconscious or act happy or sad or think or not think. I can only write. Not sure what that was, panic attack. prolly not so comprehensible right now, was a panic attack. guess I can't just smoke that stuff, thought I was less vulnerable than that. Music in my ears means music in my veins but where's the alcohol tonight, one time I truly need it, you weren't there when I needed you ... & I couldn't get you, out of reach like the untouchable women I always wanna slay on a Friday night. Fuck panic that's a heart attack. Body shivers sometimes you need sedatives, save you a lot of pain, first comes the 2 hours of convulsions then the energy shifts to the thoughts, I'm not sure which stage is worse, now it's just bitter after taste, I don't mind some discomfort I'm used to but the next day get fucked up, I wanted this week to be resting & my system failed me...or I failed my system, like I said ... I shouldn't have smoked that.

I accept my past, I accept the present, I accept the regrets & the stupidity, I accept the Insecurity & the pain. I accept myself. But I'm not accepting "the Future". I'm not accepting the future others expect from you, the future society expects from, the future leo or this forum expects from me, the future I even expect from me. The future I fear. The future of regret. I'm not accepting it. I'm not accepting humility & I'm not accepting compromise. I'm not accepting normalcy, average, or typical, I'm not accepting the expected. My problems are reoccurring, but I won't ever lose the desire to win. I think I'm done journaling for the day, I remind myself again that I love myself. I have nothing to lose. No kids on the way. No worse pain to possibly go through. It's only up from here & I've know this for a while but the plain takes time to leave the ground, once it starts levitating, there's no going back & velocity doesn't stop, the momentum becomes an unstoppable force. Find that momentum again, lift that plane of the ground. I think I'll leave on that note. Ima find some hot bitches to fuck this week fuck this forum. Think about the hot bitches, feel into that.

Writing my way out my head but where's the alcohol at? I moved to a nicer area right now but it's a less networked area, where's the nightcrawlers at I need my beer. I need my wine. I need my Xanax. guess I'll just write my way out my head, kill time till the alcohol comes, mon cheri come & sedate me & bring me back go a state of normality, ground me back to reality & sane health & I'll get back to my goals in 12 hours. The panic attacks gone but is it just a wave waiting to rise again? I dunno, my body isnt' convoluting no more, I'll just write my way but these fucking headphones will run out of charge, need enough ways to distract me from reality tonight, can't be in my vicinity miserable wage slaves with no foresight & no ambition, need to network with winners. I dunno if I'll solve my mental issues but I'm not going back to the herd, I'ma be wild one at times but a rich wild one I can deal with, I only see that in my vision, Next time I panic I better be swaged out I want someones mortagage on my wrist, back seat worth your whole kid.

Alcohol I think I'm in the process. Drinking to evade anxiety. Drinking for energy, for confidence. Trap. Trap trap. Maybe I'm already at the stage of withdrawal symptoms? Is that why I'm sweating & shit? I don't care I think I'll ljust let it go. I think I can stop on a dime, we'll see.

Reflections & Insights. I think I'll stay up late tonight. I don't think I'll sleep tonight. Brain on fire, the weed & the music my electrolyte. Electrical activity & I can't let it go, too much insight many interconnections & the firing happening fast so I'll sit this one out until I fucking collapse. I think I'll stay up late tonight. I don't think I'll sleep tonight... Starting to feel more honest with myself, the weed got me deeply reflective & it's what I needed. I know what I need to do, & even if I don't, I'll get towards answers. Answers within (but such answers can be guided from the outside ... & often are). All this direct exprience needs some synergizing ... It's when you're actually constantly experiencing shit that any theory really means anything to you You experience something ... then u either find some theory or return to some theory that clarifies confirms & solidifies the lesson or insights from that experience .. "ooh shit" that's why this happened, this is what my problem is!" I'm not gonna go any further right now, I'm returning to my real Journal.

Moderators move section to self actualization journals. @Roy @OctagonOctopus @Leo Gura

Unravelling the Bullshit, cutting ties with the bullshit. No more time waster friends, no more fake entrepreneurs, no more excuses & justifications driven by fear, no more average looking chic's, no more pedestalizing women, no more self doubt, no more hesitation, no more regrets. I tried being depressed for a couple days, that was all bullshit. I tried being paranoid walking home alone at night as if I have something to loose, that was all bulshit. I tried caring what other people think, complete bullshit. I tried not believing I deserved the girl I actually desire, & going for some other less "intimidating" girl, that was bullshit I tried overvaluing other people's opinions, bullshit. I tried surfing around on this forum & randomly reading subs with no purpose, I tried debating others & wasting time & reading irrelevant stuff "just because Leo posted it", bullshit. I tried journaling on here too much just to avoid the truth that I wasn't headed in the right direction I tried gambling & I tried overthinking, I tried being self conscious & I tried worrying about the future & regretting the past & that really is just bullshit. I tried taking uncalculated risks & I tried avoiding necessary risks. I tried being lazy & I tried being a hermit, I tried being depressed & I tried being angry & bitter & I tried fake happiness smoking away my pain everyday & that was big pile of bullshit. I tried buying MacDonald's everyday & that was some deceptive bullshit. I tried being a pussy & I tried beating round the bush & I tried being a simp & I tried being indirect & I tried being slow & wasting time & I tried anxiety & I don't care anymore, It's all bullshit. I tried chasing the wrong women & giving all my power away to women & treating them like their the prize not me, no that's bullshit, I'm the prize. I will die, I have nothing to lose, except the life that I could've lived. There will be no more coulds, no more shoulds, Only I did. I did, I do, I will. I am powerful, I am a god of men, I am a king. But are these words bullshit? They could be, if I don't actually internalize it, act as if it's true & Create the feedback loop of superior confidence & self importance through achieving what I want I tried blindly listening to people like Leo, & that was bullshit. "It takes at least 5-10 years to escape wage slavery .. to become a millionaire"? Really? Can you really generalize like that ... with all the fucking billions of genetic & environmental variables that effect the process of success, all the different industries & countries & personality types & brain types & blah blah & u want to generalize like that. Fuck that, I'm not getting rich in my 30's, that's fucking bullshit. I'll make it in a year, I'll make it in 2 years, fuck you leo. No more bullshit. Time to win at life. I'm saying this dead serious bloodshot eyes in the morning ... I mean it, I really mean it this time.

@flowboy That's probably the best advise I've heard, wow thanks. I wish I found this advise eariler because ... I have already sent her a lame & pointless second message with no response (after she had replied to me with interest to my first message) I'll do the voice message but I think it's too late because she probably won't read it now. Also, do you think it's better to arrange her to meet me on a night out with my other friends or ... to set up a 1 on 1 date in the day ( like party context OR going cool naturistic places in day / " come back to my place after")

Listen bitch puta madre mother fucker eat my saussage homie.

Great quote.

someone reply please simple thread come on

The only solution right now is toxic masculinity. There's a time and place for everything. I was "confident" at the club, but it wasn't strong enough, wasn't convincing enough, hence why I didn't get the girl, I self sabotaged. My guess is that I just haven't gone deep enough with confidence, I need to be arrogant, I need to be toxic & near sociopathic. I need to not care what people think to the point that it's rediculous, I need to be agressive, I need to have literally 0 fears. I need to walk & talk & act like it's my last day on this fucking planet. Fuck education, fuck life purpose, fuck this fucking forum & all the fucking nerds & even fuck myself, fuck the bad parts of me, fuck my subconscious mind, I consciously decide what to be. Iraqi girl did you catch my eye, & so close did I get to seducing you, I had done the hard part but I self sabotaged & ruined the moment, & now you won't respond to my text. Iraqi girl I will find you again, either literal you or a girl very similar to you, & I won't settle for less. I may have to fuck some more boring 6's to get better at the sex but Im not exactly enthusiastic about it. Toxic masculinity & nothing else now, because I feel depressed, but therapy won't get me that girl, therapy won't give me supreme confidence. & I can't be paranoid walking at night alone anymore, if a big mean guy comes with a knife I'll tell him stab if me you want, you're not taking my phone, & I'll go down swinging. & I'm not apologising anymore or supplicating, I'm fucking angry & i'm fueling that anger right. But I Still feel depressed, but I have to bury it for now, I just need a girl like that, my ego is fragile so I have to make it right to my ego, I can't bang average girls anymore I'm past that stage now. That beautiful fucking girl, So so beautiful, 9.9/10 they wouldnt give me a chance but that 1 chick felt the connection & I fucked it up, so angry. I aint even looking at this forum, I am not at that stage anymore & I don't care about health anymore I just care about becoming a bad motherfucker & going down swining (No not in literal physical sense but, I have to do things when I feel scared embarassed I have to be more acgtive & more decisive & more persistent & stick with something until I succeed). Toxic Masculinity is back.

Went to the night time bar, good music and fun. Then I see the most beautiful girl ever, just fits my type in every way, she was a 10 ... she was my 10, regardless if she was anothers 8 or 7. Petite, feminine with piercing brown eyes, eyes of intelligence, eyes of humility, eyes of empathy, eyes of raw beauty. I approach her & ask her generic questions, but my sub communication is sexual. I immediately start touching her & she likes it & the convo felt great. Unfortunately my drugged up drunken self decided "hey I'm gonna talk to my friends for a minute" (Now I wonder if this mechanism is actually a sub-conscious form of self sabotage or insecurity?) It's strange because I doubt I actually wanted to talk to my friends ... or maybe I just niavely felt as if she'd just wait around & I had time, I don't know. Then I ended up dancing with this other girl who was extremely boring looking & persona too, & in the background I saw the beautiful girl see it in disappointment. I eventually came back to her, at this point she said she was going home & it was about 3AM, I got her number but ultimately I ruined the moment. She was so fucking beautiful. I'm not even an incel anymore, I have some girls that are keen on me, but they're all not interesting at all & like 5-7/10 looks for me, ever since I met that girl my standards have gone through the roof. But ever since I met that girl the other night I just can't take my mind off her, dam I could have gone home with her, at least kissed her but I didn't. I know I've learnt my lesson now but that night will never come again, & it's tiring always going on heavy one, & it will get cold soon. The momen'ts gone, I fucked up & I'm depressed. Beautiful feminine Girl from Iraq, I'm sorry I messed it up, I know you wanted me to seduce you & I didn't deliver, I fucked up. I fucking hate myself right now, I will only have self-respect once I win. I genuinely think it was love at first sight, & she had great energy too. I'm trying to concentrate on my work right now but I can't, I don't know how to move forward because I can't fucking let it go. I want her & only her. Only so many girls fit my type & she was everything. So...

@Esilda You're completely out of touch with how much harder it is to get laid or get a girlfriend as a guy, plus the fact that men do not have as good social skills, and plenty men have particularly bad social skills, anxiety, don't know how to flirt, lead, interact ... that can only be fixed with hundreds or thousands of approaches. It sounds so desperate because IT IS desperate lol? ... If you can't get your basic needs fulfilled then you become desperate, that's life. It shouldn't be demonized. Better to desperately & swiftly find a solution then "just be self-fullfiled" & be happy. No I'll be self fullilled when I finally achieve my success, like finding a hot girlfriend. Don't give dating advice because you're spoilt and out of touch and quite judgmental, you have 0 comprehension of what dating is like for men. By the way, I am still desperate and I refuse to deny that "I am desperate" but accept it and focus on solutions ... I will forever be desparate until my needs are fulfilled, until I can have 1-4 hot girlfriends and then focus on other stuff and therefore not be desperate. Done with this thread, exiting the forum don't care about your stupid brainlet response.

I'M ALIVE. IVE LIVED MORE THIS MONTH THAN I HAD IN LIKE 2 YEARS. EXPERIENCING LIFE. FEELING ALIVE. CONNECTING WITH ALL KINDS OF PEPLE. BEAUTIFUL WOMEN ... OR WOMEN WITH BEAUTIFUL PERSONALITIES It dont matter. I'm Alive. I am alive, living with transcendence of fear. I still feel fear, but courage I feel stronger. soon I need to stop the drugs and the drink though. at least when summer ends if I can. I still feel a ton of anxiety, but I feel courage stronger. I feel a ton of insecurity, but I also feel like a king. Life is confusing. I think I want to fall in love now. I can't deal with "ugly" girls... ugly on the inside. But today I approached this Italian, beautiful but especially on the inside, down to earth & she struglling & I like that. I hope she goes on a date with me today, I hope we meet up, I need a girl like that. "butr hey don't dont need anything man" NO, FUCK YOU LEO, I TAKE WHAT I WANT I'M RAISING MY STANDARD & GETTING MORE PROACTIVE DAY AFTER DAY. I'M NOT WAITING AROUND. I WANT THIS GIRL, & IF I CANT HAVE HER, I WANT A SIMILAR GIRL. & I WANT TO BUILD AN EMPIRE, I WILL BUILD ONE, MY OWN EMPIRE, NOT JUST PHYSICAL PERSE, SOCIAL EMPIRE, INFRASTRUCUTRAL EMPIRE, POWER. POWER.

I am probably done on this forum for another several months. Nothing else to say ... nothing else to learn can only focus on so much at once. Right now? life experience, building connections, pussy & being alive Is all I want to do ... until I go broke, it will be cold by then anyway. ALIVE PUTA MADRE.

I am considering hiring a kambo practioner next year due to the puported spiritual and emotional benefits. Purportedly kambo leads to an uplifitng of the soul, more energy, better mood, better intuition. I am curious.

I became extremely "red pill" this year ... Self improvement Gradual growth - levelling up Be "high value", "High status" & women will "chase you", "come easy" Learn Pick up > because There will be linear .. or exponential progress ... "as game improves X attractiveness improves proportionately Y" "Increase your IQ with diet, Andy cutler and nootropics" "You're brain fog is not due to genetics or permanent environmental factors, you can mould your brain in your mid 20's & increase your IQ & EQ By like 40 points bro, keep reading & you'll become smart" The principle belief I held was that women care about looks less than men. I think the truth is women care about looks as much or more than men, it's just they also want the other stuff, whereas men don't care. Height. big dick, Face. Face, small dick short = OUT Face, Height small dick = PROBABLY FINE Face big dick, short = MAYBE Face short small dick = DONE No face, Height = MAYBE On top of this, women have undeniably limitless options for the Tall, good looking + cool, popular men just a swipe away ... So why would I even give this 6/10 5'8 stranger the time of day? ... I think it's just obvious. You CAN RAISE YOUR VALUE A BIT ... but the lower your looks, the harder you have to compensate & in some cases it still won't cut it. + Online dating, covid & society is only making things worse & worse over time. In 10 years time, I will probably just resort to prostitutes, it will be over for me and most people . And I'm not even that ugly! I'm actually a 5 - 6.5, perhaps a 6.5 - 7 if i'm your type, and I'm funny ect... But still, even the average looking women have so many better options, They even won't go for me. Then I'm left with the 3's, 4's and 5's .... In this case I'd rather masturbate thanks. But in the big picture, it's game over. Change my opinion, I swallowed the black pill ... I am very open minded, my mind changes easily, I am not holding this as dogma or truth, this is the perspective I am internalising because It lines up with all the evidence. But change my mind, or delete this post @Leo Gura if you want > it's your forum and I don't intend to put others down, but I am very fluid mind & OCD too so I easily take on different positions

Girl text me back. But only the money & the lifestyle will keep em. Can't put my focus in the gym again. Just martial arts & soccer cos I love em. But nada mas. Well a little workout here & there, some push ups & sit ups in the monring. But fuck being a bodybuilder. Books money experience charisma the juice is worth the squeeze. Higher vibration. I JUST BOUGHT A CHEESEBURGER FROM MACDONALDS. Next time I wanna buy it I give it to homeless guy. next tinme I wanna waste money it goes to the guy from siria fleeing with no freedom. How the fuck could I waste the chance I got? How the fuck could I not get rich not be an inspiration how the fuck could I not chase high quality women & how the fuck could I put random girls on a pedastal how the fuck could I spend hard earnt money on a frappe ? And I go club some girls I try chat to but their personality so ugly, All for a fucking frappe? Did I carry boxes in the rain feeling shit for years just for a fucking frappe? Isn't there more to life than a frappy? Nonononono. My life has more meaning than that. GIrl actually texted me back. Wow, I gotta try not mess this one up. I need to keep building my life up, can't be like those wastemen sitting around in macdonalds with no purpose. Get fluent, get rich get more interesting gain more value learn how to save a life learn science learn biology become less autisitc so much shit I wanna do. But I gotta respect myself & stop the infeorirty complex. I gotta be grateful for the chance I got. I can't waste this life. I'm done journalling again. I took a week off but I don't have time for this. I just leave on this note. There is litterally no time for depression or negativity, there's no time to have low self esteem. You have to think you're the boss or you don't even have a chance, I'm not deluded life's tough but you want the greatest chance then assume your the fucking boss & start acting like it. I have to keep this mentality. I cant waste this life. It weren't all for an ugly girl and a frappe. Life is more than this.

Fuck man my thoughts are so negative ... What happened? I felt like the boss a week ago And I remember seeing this beautiful latina girl at a bar ... she was staring at me. I don't think it was the look per se, but the aura I was projecting, the aura of excitement, novelty, courage, knowing what one wants, sociability. That charisma has now dissipated completely ... and man I still wish I talked to her. She's the only attractive girl who has shown me clear non verbal interest, and to be honest I remember her like the was gods gift, she looked like the ideal girl I dreamed about couple weeks ago. Anyway, I am lost right now.

Just deleted my 2 posts, pointless. I hate myself, the card I was dealt. I hate life, it just sucks. I'm so tired of life. I might just die soon. I better fuck this receptionist. I think that would just give me enough morale to carry on with life. i hope it happens, felt some sexual chemistry, she asked me questions & giving me discount. I hope it happens tommorrow but I gotta hide the neediness. Fuck it I might just try it when she cleans my room, then if it's awkward no your creep or im married ect.. Ill just fuck off to a different city. Still miserable & alone. I know I'm being victim (I think I am), there's probably solutions. Im just so tired & then alcohol & bit of cocaine too much sugar now coffee now messed up my neurotransmitters. All I'm feeling is self hate. I have to at least go Bi polar. If i can switch on the supreme delusional self love confidence then for sure mature latina more likely to suck my dick then if I act how I'm acting now. Pathetic I know, its just the neurotransmitters, hopefully I'll save myself & reallign myself. Constantly comparing myself to others again just the neurotransmitters. But I always been hypercompetitive deep down I gotta win, I gotta win every scene every place I gotta win the girls I gotta win the money I gotta win the resources I gotta win the attention I gotta win. I gotta win the money & gotta win the police & gotta win the law & I gotta win. I win or I die, I can't take average.

Had 12 hours sleep last night. Still got about 900 more hours to catch up & need to wake up earlier... But good start. NOW >> I MUST STOP "SPENDING" (Throwing away) MONEY I had this insight in the shower : every time I buy a beer, coffee, go restaurant, buy chocolate, cigarette, overpay for water bottle .... It's like I'm litterally giving them money. Why the fuck would I do that? Only a lack of self - respect I would do that. If I buy a kettle and box of green tea bags it's an investment >> Increased BDNF for life because bags are cheap & kettle will last months. If I spend 3 euros on tea then that's just dumb > 3X7X4 = 84/Month >>> 84/Month in crypto could easily be 2-3X > 250/Month lol I've done this logsticial / logical analysis before. But no amount of reason & rationality is enough. I have to protect my neurotransmitters, can't be overwhelmed with these painful emotions. It's a hard competitive world and every one is out for themselves, I can't be acting like a little bitch & spending money on fudge. In fact, Ima go into the hsop right now and tell that guy "you can't have my money", Ima walk to every resteruant "you cant have my money I eat berries & lentils I'm not paying 10 euros for a tiny little processed meal bitch fuck you No I won't actually say that, but this is it. Spending goes away. Investing starts. I can't end up homeless or in some I just don't know how to get this feeling out of my chest. It's this feeling that makes me procrastinate, makes me spend. This emptiness. I don't know if I can go club again because it sort of ruins me, I feel so awkward, I don't know how to "just enjoy myself" when all I want is to meet a nice girl, but of course I project this & it's obvious, I go alone & I scan the room, and I pay money just to enter hoping I'll meet someone. This neediness is so feminine. I need to purge it away. I just don't know how. I just need to keep reminding myself that if I get rich I can have everything I want, especially if I become valuable person too, people will be more drawn to me.

SOSOSOSO Fucking tired & I probably need about 1000 hours sleep to catch up on. Thoughts SOSOSOS Fucking pointless & I've wasted thousand hours in pointless thoughts. Have to just solely focus on regaining energy. But the temptation to hit club could kill me again. Club & no number no scores I gotta keep my pride save time & leave go sleep. Hit the club early hit it quick try it on with the girls expect rejection likely if it happens leave leave leave. don't stay there till 4 am go there 10PM 12 am leave leave leave. Wake up early busines bussines business. If i have to be incel ok but DON'T be a broke incel again. I did well to save & invest money but I'm spending it fast fast fast. so so so fast fast fast. Its called misery spending. Being such a needy bitch keep walking in to stores buying stuff cos the girls hot, then I try say " I like your camisa" or something she get pissed off like go away no chance never no no. Go get the money the bags please hurry up no time to wast go go go . Recover & go go go. get the money the bags the nmoney bags go go go go.

No more time on this forum this week. The occasional journal note ... but only if I do something noteworthy. If I don't follow through on my goals then I don't deserve to even be on here, like a fucking parasite of mediocrity. Fuck that. I don't wanna be like some people on here who just merely come here to avoid their goals and be medoicre. NO. I WONT DO THAT. IM POWERFUL. I'll be back in a fucking week. Tense right now. GOtta save every second, Action time. Egotism & lack of results is ugly as fuck by the way. So now I live up to my own egotism. I FUCKING HAVE TO ARHH HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH. FUCK!