Striving for more

That's fair enough yeah just fully read my comments to understand my confusion. IMO being strong and muscular is extremely healthy and beneficial. Looking good is merely a by product and 1 benefit of having a strong and healthy body, the more muscle mass and less body fat the better. I'm not a healthy person anyway, but even if you're unhealthy it's better to be strong and ripped than not, it still has numerous countless benefits that are mostly obvious

That's fair enough but why isn't he at least authentic and honest about it? He continually laments how "we put garbage food in our mouths & constantly numb ourselves" and makes out that he eats organic and doesn't have addictions, and makes money of self help content. It seems pretty hypocritical & dishonest if that's the case ... If he genuinely loves food & is happier this way & has no regrets about it & is intentionally fat & enjoying himself I think that's fine ... it's just at least be honest about it ... Plus I dont think you can get that fat from eating a purely organic green diet, no matter how many vegetables you eat, which he claims to ..

I think im gonna drink again, think im gonna smoke again. NOT because im weak but because i cant deal with mt head right now.

Going club solo again. I considered staying in, but I realized I could die or break a leg on any day & im in a beautiful city, something ive dreamed of for years & cant take for granted & i noticed intense nervousness, & fears, (through imagery & as bodily sensations) .. even more a reason to do it Goals : - Dont pussy out - network, make some friends - Approach some girls - Enjoy life for a few hours, get out my head - dont over drink or smoke to compensate - wake up tomorrow not feeling worse off & motivated towards work - feel good no matter what result is, if its too awkward or quiet & groupy I can (eventually) leave, at least I experimented..

Ima become mike tyson in the ring because my fists arent hardened enough, i nesd fo taks on multipke opponents, str8 back in the gym tomorrow. Jiu jitsu & more martial arts, dont know enough, too many fucksrs lay their hands on me & i used to finish em off but i started to let it go like leo says but then i feel like a spineless bitch, no touch me & you're going A&E, touch me & ill make u see stars then ur vision will fade to black out, i aint no bully but a lot of guys basically are, conceited egos, too many men lay there hands like its funny, & im here to set them straight, touch me & your fucked, back to martial arts tomorrow, back to weights tomorrow.

I want money & power & i want to piss on people i dont liks

Just to clarify IM NOT GIVING UP but going club isnt my path I need MONEY & STATUS I have to MAX that shit out, & im obtaining it from a place of pain & im maxing out the martial arts too, too many bullies & conceited fucks out there, no i didnt experience that tonight but i need to know for sure i can james bond any fucker even if hes 100 pounds bigger, i will gain my success through pain, gain the money through egocentricism, gain the status as revenge. I leverage the pain, my ambition will never drop addict or not, crazy fuck or not, im reaching kanyes status.

I dont think i shouldvd gone out tonight, ego is too fragile, i dont tske rejection lightly, i canf stand losing, i cant stand beinf a bich to some club or gettinf ripped off I have to get the money because Its the only tjinf i can hold on to, just 1 hot girl or 2 is all i need, fuck pick up, pick up is black pill, its a scam, just get 1 girl & get rich as fuck & work my ass off & in a couple years coazt of that & say fuck the world, drive fast in fast cars & private jets & piss on the rest of the fucking losers all the dumb nerds doing degrees fo make 100k per year, fuck off & im moving to columbia i nees my girl feminine & traditional, i need live im a dangerohs place try rob me so I can shoot up some bad fucker & get away with, bribe the police & get that power on point like im a magnet for newtons.

Probably gonna listen to some sad rap mhsic tomorrow, not to be sad or do nothinf, ill try work on myself still but i cant be fucked to No, jhst turn the mind off, this is what is making me an alcoholic, the overthinking, the fucking OCD. Its like drowninf in a pile of sand in a coffin, the sand is the incessant thoughts, i climb and climb but the grim reaper keeps pooring the sand & represents time & decay as what couldve been aa my lifr in an alternate multiverse disperses into thin air.

Now ill spend the morninf tired & slightly sick, my teeth are decaying from the smoking & I dont know whats worth it anymore, Ive been given ok oplurtunities in life like cominf 1st world country, but my mind since a child always feels so dark, I only connect with darkness, i feel like wasnt born to be happy or social, buf born to be a fighter or a criminal, i always resonate with Mike tyson, even though he was a hostile fucker, im not a bully but I love the fighters spirit, especially when people are unfair to me, it sucks because im learninf to let go & let people take the piss a little to avoid losing my shit, fo avoid trouble that isnt woeth it & walk away, but i know I just want to lay the fists, i just want to be in the war shooting up bad fuckers with no remorse, but i know i could easilg become the 1 id be fightinf against, for war has no boundaries & can make bitter the good hearted, turn the brave into senseless, the warriors into tyrants. What the fuck am i saying now, pain in my chest, another day i wake up & go back to my "vision" but i dont feel motivated, what will the money be for anyway ill end up a egomaniac, no wait I already am one, if only i had reason to back if up, people let you be arrogant when your 230 pounds or 6"5 or talented or high IQ. Can hear som oger fucks snoring in my room, disgusting gross fucks.

Failed all my goals except I didnt pussy out. The club is pretty brutal, maybe ok with a wingman & friends with you & if the vibe & atmosphere is good then maybe its ok, but this was brutal. I smoked a lot, I litteraly spent a 4* hotel in a couple hours, I deacyed myself a couple hours with overpriced drinks, caffeine & cigarettes & stayed longer than I needed, although at least i disnt stay till the end. I had a slight chance initially but the of wing man fucked it up, girls are with their friends & it can work if the club is hectic enough, but it wasnt that vibrant so me being alone led to an akward check mate. I connected with some people bjt they already in groups, the sub context means its over to begin with even though the courage is admirable. I didnt pussy out i did approaches but i just got rejected, & the club is so black pill its brutal, a bar is ok but when your dancing & the girls are 6 foot in heals, the guys are 6"3 & more handsome & with a group of friends, & youre just average & alone, its already over. Im not giving up on dating but i dunno about "the club", if the context is right you can win, but you need everthing maxed out, including social status/being with friends, the vibe must be good, all the favtors need to work out, it really is a losing battle & I always end up compensating with self depricating habits, I am fairlt extroverted but I dunno about the club, so expensive, the sleep fucked & i leave feeling down, im not a pussy & theres WAY worse problems in life, i wont complain but I might just have to not go out again, its all just too black pill & capitalism pill.

My heart wants me to go & do pick up (solo) this evening at the club. But in the background I know I feel sad, stressed, anxious & tired. Should I just stay in? If I stay in I miss another chance, I feel lonely, theres a risk I'll eat bad foods & masturbate & wont sleep at night due to the regret. If I go out I may get lucky, or I may get rejected which may worse my already negative state, creating a loser effect, I may even cover this up through drinking & there's a risk I'll be that loser at the club alone at 5am. OR ... I may get rejected & realise it's no big deal, & those people don't remember me anwyay, & then I grow through the rejection & become stronger ... Yes, I know finding a wingman would solve a lot but I don't know how & can't seem to find time to find one, I only have the option to go out solo & it's tough, I have the bools to do it but im making it harder on myself, it's just hard to find a win whos willing to go out 5 nights a week.

Tinder is beta & weird.

Why we self-sabotage? "The > we want something - the > we push it away" Our reality = Reflection of our self image Shift your Identity > Behaviors Unless we work on our self - image, even if we start changing behaviors it won't feel natural > we'll find ways to self-sabotage it subconsciously We get in life what we believe we deserve Our ego will find ways to validate our beliefs What are your Values? Do you value peoples approval & validation more than you value your own authenticity/vulnerability? Saying yes to others = saying no to yourself saying no others will protect your vision Vulnerability = the cure to shame > Open you up & takes away the shame PERFECTIONISM = ANOTHER FORM OF SELF SABOTAGE VALIDATION >> U MUST VALIDATE URSELF > DONT KEEP URSELF SMALL IN ORDER TO EVADE OUT SHINING OTHERS WORTHYNESS > IF U BELIEVE YOU SHOULD ONLY MAKE $50,000 PER YEAR, YOU WILL BLOCK OUT OPPURTUNITIES TO MAKE $50,000 PER MONTH *Read the book psycho cybernetics YOUR IDENTITY IS FLEXIBLE New Identity > Starts with a Vision : Financial freedom & abundance Hard working, patient, Hyperfocus + Well balanced life - work hard/play hard ect.. still have time to do all my hobbies, play soccer, enjoy nature, gardens, trees, waterfalls, art & creativity Creative, strategic, valuable individual with a unique & precious mind, Legal freedom/power, freedom to live anywhere whenever I want Travel Lifestyle Business Mongol, multiple homes, passive income Investing Mongol, Crypto genius, stocks genius, & genius investor all round, able to easily make 10 - 100X gains in a year Bilingual - Speaks 4-5 languages & 2-3 languages fluently Social status, Authentic confidence Pick up maestro & confident in my sexuality, able to quickly obtain attractive + high quality girlfriends/side chicks 100% Energetically liberated > never ever worrying about others opinions, 100% unapologetically authentic & able to express this through my behaviors, my actions HONESTY : My current identity Low IQ, Low potential, the "delta" or "epsilon" of humans (Brave new world) Not Attractive enough and tall enough to succeed with women Too old/past it already, too old to have fun, to go out, "should've done this 5 years ago" Unreliable - "I always waste my money & go back to square 1" Social loner - "the good people always leave or betray me" Low energy/Unmotivated Human > Unable to succeed or even fulfill basic needs because "I don't have the energy, I have brain fog" Untalented > bad at life no matter how much I try Ok I need to stop writing about my "current identity" because I'm already starting to feel negative emotions, I need to re channel myself with New Identity The "universe rewards u for doing what u love" >> OUCHH I haven't got their yet career wise but, ouch I just want the money I dunno. Don't feel like the victim, this can be an addictive trap.

Sometimes life works like that ..

I'm surprised meditation & emotional Intelligence wasn't included?

This is my last A.O post for some time. Not much more to say Focusing on my desires & goals NOT my problems. Pretty simple. I struglle to beleive in myself often ... fuck it. I will try as hard as humanly possible to achieve everything I desire, I will give it enough time & effort .... AND IF STILL NOTHING WORKS AFTER TRYING EVERYTHING, THEN I WILL GIVE UP. For now, I have personsal goals to focus on. Rich, Hot girlfriend, Bi lingual, Build incredible social life, increase power & freedom via social connections, Visas ect... start business, build passive income streams, Investing, build technical skills, create insane leo di caprio like social status (to the point pick up becomes unnecessary) Multiple homes in amazing parts of the world, parts that I personally love too + life visas & rights to live there. Give some value back & create joy & spark into the world, become a value provider, with my ego being stroked & glorified the whole fucking way. I can do all this in weeks, big changes in weeks. Let's go.

OOOOOH. MY AFRICAN FRIEND. & WHEN IM RICH I'LL TAKE U WITH ME I KNOW UR PROBABLY IN THE SAME SHIT I KNOW UR IN PAIN STILL & TRIED TO TALK GAME IN TO U. I TRIED TO HELP YOU, BUT I KNOW YOUR TOO STUCK IN THE DIRT. I'LL COME BACK & I'LL BRING U WITH ME. ILL TAKE U TO THE POOL PARTIES, ILL BRING U ALONG TO HOLLYWOOD HILLS.

my head is fucked right now. My head is like completely shut down. I can't focus or receive any positive information, too much black pill, too many years of being in my head. I have to change this. I feel really fucked in the head. I need positive thoughts & emotions, I just need to be in a productive state again. Something needs to change in my psyche. I constantly feel shit 24/7 & I was in denial about it because I masking it via drinking & partying (- the getting girls part) I think about women too much, i can't focus on anything my head is fucked. I think about money too much but not in a healthy way, I'm afraid of money, I don't feel like i deserve money & this always becomes a self fulfilling prophecy .. I actually have the oppurtunities to create lasting wealth for myself with enough effort but i need to believe I deserve it first. I just need to find some appropriate positive friends who will get me out my head. finding the RIGHT friends feels hard, I can't be friends with people having the same problems, i need encouraging friends.

It's moments like these that I wish I had a nice girl. A cute, feminine, nurturing girlfriend, brining me a delicious meal in bed & kissing me, cuddling me, then gazing me with her beautiful dark eyes to soothe the pain away. * This would get boring eventually but for moments like these, I don't just wanna be on the internet & shit.

I am now literally, physically IN PAIN. Now I tried shadow boxing in the mirror, and I couldn't do it, I couldn't even move my thighs & hips to get any motion in to the punch at all, like being a disabled old man. I am a massive idiot! But I am also lucky I didn't crack my skull, or my spine, only my buttocks, upper thighs, lower back. It's that blend of arrogance & cult like love for adrenaline that made me cycle so fast in the rain without a helmet, I normally don't crash & my coordination & athleticism is too good right, might as well go home like bat man right. Well now I can barely bend down, I can't exercize and I'm in constant pain. I have to drink what I have left because I don't have pain killers. But the pain is nothing to me, I don't care, but if I can't walk properly for another 12 weeks then fuck I care about that, I've had that already this year & I can't deal with it again, too much time lost, I won't be able to game or play soccer, say goodbye to many of my goals. Sure there may be some "good" that comes from it, but I'm not sure if now is the time for an injury, the oppurtunity costs feels to severe. I pray that I have a minor injury, I pray but I crashed the floor so hard, I could've easily gone 15-25MPH , on that hard floor, I'm not sure how much force that would equate to & how sensitive these areas are. Now I'm back here again realizing how much I take everything for granted, yet again. So I was Complaining about flaws or "Problems" that, when put in perspective, are nothing compared to being immobile. Fuck. Do I ever learn anything?

**REQUISITE VARIETY : I guess I haven't tried hard enough to find a wing If I go out a lot, socialize with upbeat guys not just women, go to pub crawls, sports events, speak to strangers find events & hobbies every day, take every chance ... I should be able to find one I just gotta try harder. I gotta get the momentum going with this becuase its just 1 aspect of life, important but expensive, I must get it handled quick or I won't even afford to go out lol. REQUISITE VARIETY & PERSISTANCE NO EXCUSES, NONE. FUCK OFF.

Great comment! (we all need to hear this)

@Javfly33 26 is not old, I know it's hard I even call myself old sometimes but it's not that I'm old, it's just that I've completely wasted my life so far At the club I started hitting, the security guard has affection from all the younger girls, he's about 27 - 33, wears a suit, I think young girls prefer the dominance & maturity than to a goofy 20 year old baby face.