Striving for more

MY LAST POST THIS UNTIL NEW YEARS EVE. 14 hours of work today No fap starts NOW, & Continues indefinitely Optimism starts NOW & Continues indefinitely NO more youtube, no books, none of this website WORK & SOCIAL. MONEY, TRAVEL FRIENDS, BEAUTIFUL WOMEN. ALL OF THESE THINGS NOTHING ELSE , STARTS NOW. MONEY TRAVEL SOCIAL BEAUTIFUL WOMEN CREATIVITY BUSINESS HARD WORK INVESTING NO FAP GYM NOOTROPICS THIS IS IT, LETS GO, SUBCONSCIOUS MIND BECOMING REPOGRAMED MONEY WOMEN GYM NOOTROPICS NO FAP CREATIVITY PRODUCTIVITY 14HR WORK DAYS PICK UP INVESTING CRYPTO STOCKS 4 LANGUAGES TECH SKILLS DIGITAL ORGANIZATION GOALS MEASURING TRACKING CONSISTENCY & THEN GOING CRAZY AT WEEKENDS PICKING UP STUNNERS RENTING FLASHY CARS LETS GO ALL OF IT ALL OF IT ALIVE TIME STARTS NOW. WORKAHOLIC PLAYAHOLIC. NOTHING IN BETWEEN, FUCK BORING PEOPLE. 100% EXTROVERTED & INTROVERTED SIMULTANEOUSLY, 100% HYPER LOGICAL & EMOTIONAL. I AM A FUCKING GENUIS. I AM A JACK OF ALL TRADES. I AM BETTER THAN YOU LEO, YOU CRACKLEY VOICED CUCK, I AM THE FUCKING BEST. MEDITATION TIME NOW. GOOD MONRING EVERY1

I just meditated for 10 minutes. I actuallly feel decent now. Hopefully I can focus, 14 hours of work today on a saturday, let's go. I want to make $500 today. The oppurtunity & the brainpower is there, the eq can be developed, I believe in myself, I believe in myself, I will win I will win, soon I will be in a sunny country again, and I'll be fucking & dancing a lot. When in neurosis the last thing u want to do is meditate or not go on your phone, but it's what you need, that or anything that brings a flow state, distances one from the mind, that horrible monster.

I fapped for the second day in a row last night, It's crazy. I've done 6 month streak before, multiple month streaks, & suddenly i'm like an addict again? I need to break this thing again. No fap for me is like oxygen, it's not a superpower, it's just essential, I have to have every advantage I have & when I fap, my ADD symptoms skyrocket. 1I'm gonna order micosoding pills & try that for the first time too. My main goal for that is it will increase my emotional intelligence & mood, & even if it's placebo, that's better than nothing. So fucking boring on the health forums people saying "all u need is diet & sleep bro then u can focus bro", NO. fuck off. Life isn't meant to be that boring. I believe u can 1000X ur focus, social abliities, not just with drugs of course, like with steroids u still have train, you have to lift weights, but results come quick, & u combine the drugs with no fap, with environmental design (my biggest current hurdle, FUCK)( with weird mysterious nootropics, I believe there are safe brain steroids out there, & hacks. Life is cool like that. FUck off.

HAHAHAHAHAHHAHAMUMUHHAHUAHUAHUAHA. I JUST HAD THE FUNNIEST INSIGHT. The amount of views each journal gets is proportional to the level of narcissism of the all the people who hang here. Because if you're a true narcistist you wouldn't even dare read anyone elses journal. HAHAHAHAHHAHAMUUHAHAUAHUH

Does hypnosis really work? FUckk .. Maybe it does? WHahht?... I been doing recently feeling like a "deluded fool" ... "How can something that requires no work produce beneficial results?, Life doesn't work like that, There has to be some action?" "I guess it is a form of action, just seems like such low tier lazy action, going on youtube, lying down & listenig to it, listening to it while making tea, such a passive thing". Then again there's way more dimensions to life than work, I suppose, beliefs & internal mechanisms are far more mysterious than "I don't believe in myself because I haven't put in 100 hours of input yet .. when I reach that point I will start believing" Anyway, waffling on & on now... where was I, wat the fuk was i tryna say? Oh yh, Hypnosis ... MIGHT ACTUALLY WORK!! Why, in the toilet I my mind wondered, & for once in my life, it wondered into positive visual scenarios/Sensation, without forcing or trying, it just imagined myself dressed in a certain way, getting looks from a specific type of attractive woman, in a specific place, carrying myself a certain way, the nature of such type of imaginations is what id imagine in my hypnosis. ALRIGHT. I'M GETTING BACK TO WORK RIGHT NOW. How Introverted am I Really? what lvl on the spectrum, 1-10, 10 being Jordan Belfort, 1 being Leo, I think I'm probably a 6, but I could easily be an 8 & so I'll have to work this one out, what my ideal balance is, how often I should be around others, maybe I'm a fluctuating Extrovert, like a crypto chart, 4 at times & then I shoot up to a 10 at phases, & this lasts for weeks or months, maybe that's best for me, maybe my idea of "balance" should be different to others. Maybe I like having extreme isolation weeks & then I sometimes spend a month straight socializing, partying non stop, fuck everyone else & fuck norms, I hope this is me in a way because being weird in my habits feels great, strokes my ego, being unique, not that I try to be unique, that's inauthentic, but I love it when it turns out i'm unique in x ways, funny how I used to feel insecure about that ... now it's like "YEAH BITCH I'M unique fuck yeah BET UR JEALOUS RUB UR FUCKING VANILLA POTATO HEAD ON MY LEFT TESTICAL BITCH. My PC is too slow, FUCK OFF, INFRASTRUCUTRE FOR SUCCESS MMM SO IMPORTANT MAN. (Perhaps separate post) : I've realized I have a strong desire for practical, iterative learning. This is fulfilling an unmet need that I failed to recieve due to poor education & indifferent parents, whom themselves were & still are terribly & pathetically impractical. Being "Impractical" profoundly limits you in multiple life domains & situations. Each Instance of "Impracticality" may be insignificant, but when you tally them all up, you end up with a messy, mediocre life. Plus, sometimes one specific instance of impracticality alone can profoundly hold you back. Example : As a kid & even into 20's I could barely use emails, I couldn't send, reply, forward , flag, unsubscribe an email, that merged with intense insecurities that "I just don't get tech" & a goldfish attention span, meant I would would be cursed for years with a polluted, dysfunctional email system, like the ocean. Important meetings & oppurtunities got lost in a cloud of irrelevance. I even didn't reply to my grandmother after multiple email attempts from her, by the time I found them, she was already dead. Thankfully I'm fine with emails by now, I'm past that. But what other examples are there? *Notice how this topic is Modular > Thus u should batch each Practical topic & focus on one thing at once until it becomes second nature. Next we could focus on Room Design : Lets break that down further > Room Design > Lighting, Painting, Wallpapers, Flooring, Door/walls as visual aid/productivity extention, Physical file management > (Folder zing, books, receipts, letters, Junk file, Misc file ect..) U can see there's a lot to cover, in the past I'd get so perfectionist but time is finite, so lets not try & cover all of these, just focus on 1 that has the largest impact on your life ... or that u'd think would be most practical/interesting to learn & master. Let's dive into Painting & wallpapers & merge these : Questions to ask: Which colours are best for productivity? Which are best for Creativity Which are best for Seduction & Departing the logical mind? (Taking a girl home) Now we'll find answers > go get the colors sorted or if u don't have time, save it on ur commonplace journal > that topic sorted for life. * I really like the seduction question : here we can dive into : Lighting, painting, colours Smells - fragrances, perfume, incense ect... Sound > Music, speakers, genres, Major vs Minor keys, Volume levels Atmospheric Masculine feminine balance AND ... NOW I'M BORED OF THIS TOPIC AND ... BILL GATES IS NOT A HIGH VALUE MAN. BILLY GATES IS VERY UNCHARASMATIC, IMAGINE HIM DOING PICKUP? LOOOL. I THANK THE FUCK OUT OF GOD I HAVE THE CAPACITY TO DEVELOP SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE & CHARISMA, ID MUCH RATHER NOT BE BILL GATES, THAT ANTI SOCIAL WEIRDO IN THE WOODS. HIS WIFE LOOKS LIKE A FUCKING HORSE & A RAT HAD A BABY, BILLIONAIRE & HE DATES THAT THING? Cmonnn. "He likes her for her intellect man". I CHOSE TO BE LEO DICAPRIO > EXCEPT BETTER. FAR BETTER. A RIPPED, MULTI TALENTED VERSION OF HIM (Minus the acting skills). OKKK EGO OUT OF HAND NOW, HAHAHAH. Cherrypick the good, leave the bad & stop fucking judging everyone. 80% of leo's videos are utterly useless to me, & always will be. The 5-20% that are useful, are fucking life changing. Unfortunately, I watched several leo vids thinking they'd help, but they were useless, now I have more wisdom to be picky. 95% of his blog posts are just garbage to me. 5% is utterly brilliant. Tai lopez is mostly trash to me, an narrow minded idealogue who idealises warren gates & Bill buffet, 2 of the least charasmatic men on the planet. His marketing techniques tho, utterly genuis. Cherrypick the good, leave the bad & stop fucking judging everyone. LIFESTYLE MATHEMATICS. OH YEAH. FUCK TON OF JUICE THERE, NEWTONS LAWS, MARTIAL ARTS, CAR COLLIONS & MICROEXPRESSIONS. Ah nah that can go another time bored. HERE IS WHAT I ...Alright I'll leave the caps out this time huhuha. It's like the old shouting man finally gets tired of his own anger & gives in. Anyway. This is the most productive thing I came up with on my worst procrastination day yesterday.

HOW HAS THIS ONLY GOT 5 VIEWS HUH? THIS IS PURE GENUIS LOOK AT HTIS SHIT. THE GUY ON THE LEFT IS HOW I FEEL WHEN GIVE IN TO WEAK BS. THE GUY ON THE RIGHT IS HOW I FEEL WHEN I DO SHIT. EVEN IF I HAVE SOME BAD HABITS, AS LONG AS I DONT FUCKING PROCRASTINATE & OVERCOME FEAR & SHIT, EVEN IF I SMOKE OR DRINK A BIT, AT LEAST THEN I STILL KINDA FEEL LIKE THE DARK KNIGHT SIGMA, ALPHA, NEOCORTEX FUCKING KING OF ZUES FUCKING WARRIOR, MOST CHARISMATIC CHARMING TAILORED TUXEDO PULL UP IN THE FUKIN LUMBO AURUS, SMELLING LIKE ROSES, VERTICALLY SLIDING DOORS, MUSIC BLASTING INTO THE SILENCE AS I STEP OUT IN FRONT OF THE GRAND CANYON & THAT BEAUTIFUL FUCKING DARK MYSTERIOUS EYED FEMININE FUCKING WOMEN STARES DEEP INTO MY EYES, I WALK BY & I TELL HER, IT'S OK, IT'S OK, I GOT U. I CAN FEEL THE REAL ME, IT'S TIME TO LEAVE THE PARTS I DON'T BEHIND, TIME TO DISINTEGRATE, BUT LEO SAID U GOTTA INTEGRATE? NO STOP THINKING, SHUT THE FUCK UP, STOP BEING HYPER LOGICAL, GET BACK INTO FEELINGS. U SEE FEELINGS AREN'T IRRATIONAL TO ME, I TRY & FORCE BEING FEELING GUY, WE HAVE TO AS GUYS, IT'S OUR WEAKNESS, BUT IN OUR WEAKNESS, LIES HIDDEN, OUR GREATEST STRENGTH. BY CUTTING OUT UR EMOTIONAL SIDE, THAT DOESN'T MAKE U MORE OF A MAN, U CUT OUT COURAGE, U CUT OUT INTUITION, U CUT OUT THE FIGHTING SPIRIT, U CUT OUT THE CHARGE THAT MAKES A DREAM. NO. THERE'S STILL SOME TIME, SOME TIME TO BECOME THE MAN I WANNA BE, THERES BEEN SOME BACKSLIDING LATELY, BUT I HAVE TO FEEL IN TO MY DREAMS, COS LOGIC ISN'T FUCKING WORKING, I KNOW ALL THE HACKS RIGH NOW, THE PROCRASTINATION METHODS & THE TECH HACKS & BLOCKING SITES & THE NOOTROPICS & BLAH BLAH BLAH IT DOESN'T WORK, THOSE THINGS ARE TURBOS, BUT U BREAK THE ENGINE, & THE ENGINE PURE HEART. And this is why I decided to start subconscious. I have to get deep into that sneaky little fucking demon. I don't even want the doubts to appear anymore, I can't let them. i have belief 100 1000% fucking percent that my life is gonna be incredible from a young fucking age because i'm a fucking perfectionist & i do not chose to deny that part of me, I dont need perfection, but I need an amazing life, everything needs to be hardcore, I need hardcore nootropics, I need a hardcore dick. I need a hardcore brain. I need to be trans human, I'm a 1000 years into the future. Fuck it. Ima keep embracing arrgoance, because at least then, doubt is impossible.

I remember Leo saying "I have 100s of videos, but maybe 1 or 2 ones will be particularly useful to you & they may change your life & it's ur job to consider which those might be. Well I think I have found my number 1 video! : The power of asking questions... I won't be watching anything else for now, this is more than enough. There's 2 posibilities here : This video is just fucking awesome & universally will solve everyone's problems My mind is uniquely creative in such a way that I find this exercise instantaneously & effortly fruitful, producing multiple streams of relevant & practical answers to my question within seconds. I asked the question : "how to be more effective" ... and it turns out I already fucking know, & anything I don't know, I already know where to look It's almost like an accountability thing too, when you ask "how to be more effective" it sends a brain signal to think & be proactive towards that goal, there's just something about asking it that pushes you to strive for it It's funny because to answer this question I'm pulling out facts that already exist within my memory but that I'd completely forgotten about, only now I'm quickly remember what I'd forgotten because my mind has a reason to pull them out ... facts, intutions, memories, experiences ect... That independtly & without context you may just take for granted. 1 of my solutions to being more effective is : much less random internet time & Reliable anti distraction mechanisms in place to tame my distracted monkey mind, so I am off now to ask the questions & create the solutions, let's go be an effective mofo.

I currently have 1 major focus & priority : MONEY. I have a oppurtunity to make money but I keep losing all my free time to addictions, mostly internet addiction Requirements : Male, high testosterone alpha competitive 1type who wants to make "fuck you money" & wants to recieve & offer support & accountability. Your primary focus is also money, success, status ect.. You're also fed up of being a loser & being a poor loser Finds making under 10K/Month unnacaptable Into investing, business, side hussles ect.. Doesn't wanna wait another 5 or 10 years to be rich, very ambitious 100% in the "stage orange" stage of your life, needs to get this handled I am banning myself from this forum, this is my last attempt & if no one replies I will just try do it for myself, I don't want to waste money on a life coach yet, that's for later when I have some level of success Let's grow together, I don't care who you are just be a competitive fucker who wants money so fucking bad, who wants win like I do, lets win together & fuck society up.

@Max8 This feeling is horrible & I can relate. Just find videos or books that relate your specific problem. Immediately start doing the exercises or relating the theory to your own life, and less is more, do 1 book or 1 video per week, or perhaps even per month sometimes, sometimes you may even want to leave all theory behind for 6 months and just go chase money or sex ect..

The starting point of all achievement is DESIRE. Keep this constantly in mind. Weak desire brings weak results, just as a small fire makes a small amount of heat. Yo so el rey del mundo, yo soy el puta rey del mundo, si no estas deceurdo, te matara. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=WO4Xy0TA-us

1 extreme to the other, things go full circle. I come to the understanding that my mind & my spirit can't be contained, can't be tamed. There's many types in this life ... most people reside in the middle; middle results, balanced temperament, not too agressive, not too feminine. Not too ambitious, not so lazy or destructive to threaten survival. But I'm always on edge, & theorize a universal truth to this type : Those on the extreme end, are meant to be extreme, whether such extremity is toxic & self harming ... or ultra creative & powerful. Thus, those most likely to become addicts, criminals, war nut heads are those with the highest capacity for greatness. "Nature abhors a vacuum", when a vacum exists, nature strives to fill it. if the vacum of supreme success & greatness is not fulfilled, & (this is a big constant vacum for the ego & desire of a type such as mine), then the vacum will be filled destructively. I know of a guy who is a middle type, he has a stable 9/5, makes 30-40k per year, getting married with a kid, & is just "content", & he genuinely is content, but If I was him, I'd be an alcoholic, I couldn't deal with it, I can't have that life. I have to be ridiculous hardcore. I have to become powerful as fuck, be creative as fuck & competitive as fuck. Otherwise destruction will kick in, because that's hardcore, it's just the weak approach to being myself. The guy who drinks & smokes excessively, sometimes, is the same guy who should be earning excessive money, excessively producing inexplicably genius music or art, week after fucking week, or decisively, single handedly leading an underdog army of men to war & taking the enemy by siege , the passion for life, the ego, the obsessive mind, the creative mind, the testosterone, only certain types have it so highly, & most of u fuckers don't have it, trust me u just don't But that obsessive mind can easily become a force of (self) destruction. TO THIS, I DEVOTE MYSELF TO THE MONEY, I TAKE FULL OWNERSHIP OF MY PHYSICAL DIGITAL, SOCIAL & MENTAL ENVIRONMENT, I DEVOTE MYSELF TO EXTREME GRATENESS, BUT THIS TIME I CHOSE REALISM, I CAN ACHIEVE EVERYTHING, BUT I MUST GET THERE POCO A POCO, GRADUAL, I STILL DRINK & I SMOKE, I STILL DO SO MUCH DESTRUCTIVE SHIT, I STILL CAN'T MANAGE MY MIND YET, BUT FUCK IT, I NO NO IS MILLIONAIRE YET, BUT I AM A MILLION DOLLAR MAN, THE CREATIVE MIND IS FULLY DEVELOPED, I COULD WRITE FOR DAYS ON NO SLEEP COS NO ONE FUCKING THINKS LIKE ME, & TO THAT ACKNOWLEDGEMENT I AM RARE ...AND RARE MEN Win ... Aren't we all tired of the same fucking people everywhere? SO MUCH FUCKING CREATIVITY IN MY BRAIN, HARD TO VERBALIZE BUT IF U COULD SEE MY THOUGHTS LIKE A MUSIC VIDEO U'D COME ON YOUR PIXEL SCREEN AT SHEER AWE OF THE VISUAL, CREATIVE GENUIS THAT EXISTS WITHIN SUCH A MIND. TO GREATNESS, TO WORKAHOLISM, TO MILLIONS IN THE FUCKING BANK, TO BODYBUILDING, TO SUNSETS & RISES, TO THE MOST FASHIONABLE MAN ON THE PLANET, THE MOST CREATIVE COSMIC MIND, BUT U WONT SEE ME AT UNIVERSAL STUDIOS.

No more socializing again, no more interacting with normies NO more being infected by weak & unambitious men & energy draining, empty broken women No more carless spending No more times on forums & nothing more to learn right now dont need leo right now No more sociazling or chasing girls No more drinking or sleeping 6 hours in a hot sweaty shared room No more restaurants, takeaways, ice creams, ubers, More saving, more working, more investing Back to gym, back to sleeping well, looking after skin & health quit smoking again, BULLSHIT No more fast food or macdonalds LEVELING UP, GOING AWAY, UPGRADING MY BRAIN & BODY, NO MORE NEGATIVE INFO ONLY POSITIVITY DEEP WORK EVERYDAY & DEEP REST THEN BACK TO WORK AGAIN 1 YEAR OF THIS SOLID COME BACK ANOTHER MAN. 5 YEARS OF THIS & IM ON TOP OF THE WORLD. 10 YEARS & IM BATMAN & JOKER COMBINED. UPGRADE TIME NOW. GETTING AWAY FROM SOCIETY BECAUSE FUCK ME ISN'T EVERYONE A NORMIE. EVEN SITTING IN A CAFE TRYING TO WORK IM INFECTED JUST BY SEEING ALL THESE AIMLESS LAZY PEOPLE JUST SITTING THEIR & their so fucking loud I want to work but ah need a better environment need to change place fuck need to change city again Hunter eyes for a True Hunter. Drive starting to return, Mental health starting to recover. I can really feel it now. I won't be posting again much. FUck it, i want to come back in 3 or 6 months or a year & SAY REAL FUCKING PROGRESS. LESS IS MORE. MY LAST WORDS. TO WINNING AT LIFE, COMPETITIVE AS FUCK AGAIN. NO EMPATHY, NO POLITICS OR MESSING ABOUT, COMPLETE RUTHLESS SELFISHNESS, ALL BUSINESS ALL MONEY & UPGRADING, ONLY EMOTION ALLOWED IS PASSION & SUPREME CONFIDENCE, COMPETITIVE AS FUCK IM GOING LANES APART FROM THE AVERAGE JOE, AVERAGE JOE DISGUSTS ME, I MYSELF & WHERE & HOW I AM & MY LIFE IS EVEN DISGUSTS ME RIGHT NOW, DIGUSTING. THE STANDARD IS SET. IM COMING BACK

Disappointing? Not worth watching?

I decided to watch some TV for once, and James bond was on. Although it's fictional, there's just something about films like that just inspire me: The character of Bond /Daniel Craig's impeccable acting, which is hard to put in to words, (the subtlety & rhythm of his micro expressions for instance), his charm, The constant shifting to beautiful world locations > From London to Rome to some mountainous favela, the Aston Martin in the distance, dissipating in to a country road along the sunset The intro songs & the Outro songs The fight scenes, the emotional scenes, the torture scenes James Bond is like a shadow of who I always wanted to be, an unobtainable, unrealistic ideal ... yet an awe inspiring man feat of a man, with no limitations. A man capable of enduring immense pain, multi talented, charming, funny yet he does everything with such style. The acting of Daniel Craig is impeccable too, and he has such a unique face, everyone doubted him but after the first movie, he mesmerized the audience Theres just something about James Bond films that makes me want to engage in life again. Just the idea of being even close to a man like that, so much swagger & power & style. Ordinary life is just too boring, it's inspiring enough, even to merely become rich or something & just "have a nice house", no. I need something like this & I know I'll never be James Bond, but I have to be & live & experience a life close to it, as close as realistically possible, & you don't know what's realistic until you try ... I don't necessarily mean a violent life or being the hero, I just mean that kind of level of craziness, & as close to humanly possible to that level of competence, that is awe inspiring, not the life's of 99% of people. And I wouldn't say I need to wear a suit or immitate him either, but I like how he is stylish, James bond IS James bond. & whether your style is being gay & flamboyant & colorful or wearing a 3 piece astin martin, it feels good to have style, but also in manerisms, in everything you do, stand out & be stylish, to be a cool guy but not in a trying to look cool sense, but to exude swagger, to exude competence, to exude authentic charisma, to be mesmerizing. It doesn't matter what you drive, how you look or even how much you have ... It's just about being sylish, however you want to be, & not caring what the trend is, It's just about being who & how you truly want & feel destined to be, & this may change too. I wouldn't always wear a suit, I like baggy clothes but sometimes I wanna look like a soldier or wear a tuxedo, I love the flexibility & creativity of fashion. Ooo that white tux tho, dam I need get myself 1 of those some day, hit that up when I got an Astin Martin too.

I don't understand why Owen Cook is still fat. He's filthy rich, "has his own gym", doesn't drink, eats organic food & "hasn't got sick since 2012". Yet he's somehow fat still wtf ? Tbf I think it suits him more than skinny some reason, makes him more amusing but still I don't get it, he's not an Endomorph either I don't think. * Also why do so many of these self help guys not workout & get muscular either? Such a basic easy habit but so many don't do it (although it wouldn't suit Owen).

I feel so hollow & broken right now but I know it's a temporary feeling (Unless I just don't fucking work on myself more, then it will get worse lol... Obviously duh) I won't call for sympathy hence why I writing this on the Journals, to be honest I feel pretty pathetic too. Almost wrote a long post again WHAT THE FUCK, this is literally worse than drinking, long rambling posts, my time is so valuable. no I keep shit short from now on unless I genuinely have something really good to say that I thought about deeply. I'm gonna go outside & feel broken but feel into it & get it out the way quickly & then let my soul recover, then I will hopefully sleep & I will watch The last of us 1 or 2 scenes on youtube (My new hobbie, I love watching games like movies) ... I need a PS5, But now is not the time, I have bigger prioritees must resist it for now, soon come tho

I met some cool people & had a good event but I took to long to book, so I Missed out. Then I felt fomo & felt like shit. I finally found a city I really like enough to live where I could settle, except Im not even legally a citizen so I have to leave very soon, So by the time I connect with cool people I have to leave already. Because Im so disorganized, I didn't spent the last months resolving this issue. & In truth Im so un strategic still, I still always make the wrong decisions, & fail to hear my intution, and i take too long. And my timing is off, not just in general life, but socially, with women , with investing with everything. I'd never complain about the oppurtunites I've had but Im in pain that I still fuck them up. And Im getting older & I smoke again now even though Id quit & I drink too often & its aging my skin & Im getting old & looking old already & still stuck focusing on shit I shoulda sorted out like 5 years ago. And it feels just pathetic, like by the time I get any where i wanna be I'll already be old, already be past it. I should'nt have gone out tonight cos I know my mood was off & even then I picked the wrong group & didnt listen to my intution because the other group had just girls and she gave me that more interested possibly sexual look & I didnt listen to it because my brain always does the wrong thing. And I spent money again for no reason & My room mate offered cocaine so I took some becasue my mind tricked me to think it was a good idea & I felt good for 20 minutes then I felt like shit and still do but Im not even tired even though I need rest so now I cant sleep & I have to wake up in this dirty shared space again because i cant get a place because I didnt sort my legal status & can't even stay long enough to rent and hotels I can't afford. Fuck. These arent the worst problems. It's just there all self created, I allowed them to occur & persist. It's just why the fuck are they still there, I feel ike I'm too old to still be this useless, still have these petty unecessary problems. And I wasted like a whole week seeing this fat girl & she werent even worth it but I broke down & wen vulnerable for her because I felt like she was a friend even though she was fat & I deserved better I felt like we connected & the bitch stole my shit, I trusted her & stole my shit & it was like $500, and I carefuly shopped to get comfortable cotton clothing every garment & some fucker stole it all because Im clumsy & I lose & leave it & im careless & recklass & everything is still a grind. & I watched leos strategic mofo vid like 10 times & I still don't apply none of it, I rememver taking notes multiple times, Im so unstrategic. I just wish I found this place 7 years ago, and was at this point 5 years ago, because I dont wanna be here any more, I want to just feel life as a flow & stop making it hard on myself & I want to see actual results & I don't want to sabotage no more, & I really don't want to go home, & I dont even have a home anymore but I dont even wanna speak to my father again, too much resentment, I will always see him as my shadow of an unfulfilled man, how his energy leached & sucked me dry as a kid, his lack of enthusiasm, his lack of self actualization. And I fucked this year up so much although Im pretty lucky, I did well with my investments but then I still squandared so much, I could've got so much more out of my time & fell for al lthe same traps again & imitated the wrong people & chased the wrong girls, & went to the right places at the wrong time, & lost so much time being stuck in my insecurities, lost so many weeks of this precious season. And I'm so attached to life & I need to win quick cos I dont wanna win old, I dont even wanna live to be old, I dont even wanna live past 35. And my teeth are yellow again even though I paid to whiten them & now I'm just rambling again & again stuck in my head. To reiterate I have full gratitude for the card I was dealt,... but I fucking hate myself for continually playing the wrong hand. So many fucking times I got so close to winning, to getting somewhere, with a girl, with money, with investing, with my lifestyle, with a new friendship group, with travelling, but I always fuck it up just before the momentum takes off, It's like I create the perfect engine, the perfect pilot & aerial technology & build the perfect plane, then as it starts to finish taking off, after all that energy, I throw a bomb into the plane & boom, everything goes to waste, so far has that sadly always been my life, It's like playing jenga just to throw the blocks down. And now I can't sleep yet again, I lie down feeling so frustrated again, so lost again, with even more pressure & stress, more problems, less money & even more regrets.

Not feeling good at this point, getting worse & worse mentally & I am so far away from repaying the sleep debt, & I keep messing shit up eating a fried burger & drinking beer before bed. No I deleted my whole post, fuck this shit, my opinion doesn't mean shit, I'm a stupid & young guy with self caused mental health problems. What do I really have useuful to say, even just to myself. Erh, I should get laid or something. Then I should move to a better living place. Then I should find my inner drive again & drop the deamons & depression. GET THE MONEY. PLEASE, FUTURE SELF, IMAGINE RICH ME, FUCK, OVERCOMPENSATE TO THE MOON WITH MONEY, FUCK.

@lxlichael Why not fuck off then? If you read the comments you can see that I am not trying to judge Owen, I actually like much of his content & even said I think being fat suits him. I already have warning points & may get banned for this comment. You know what, if you're gonna refer to an entire demographic of people as inferior to yourself, & try & sneakily articulate your conceitness ina politically correct manner and then throw in your fake spirituality to double virtue signal then I will happily tell you to fuck off & get banned as a consequence because I don't care, but I do care about calling you out just how you need it

Wrote a long post then deleted it. Fuck the b.s ... TDLR = I feel like total shit, sleep deprived & struggling mentaly. Fuck it, work is the only solution, I'll work my ass of anyway, in spite of that I feel shameful, weak, ungrateful, neurotic, disappointed, stressed, foggy, unbalanced, unstrategic, obssessive. I'll still try work & build a dream life, I can always just jump off a bridge if there's no way out, but the time hasn't come for that yet. There's more left in me, I think so.

TO CLARIFY. I DO NOT AGREE WITH THE BRAINWASHING NARRATIVE OF JAMES BOND : Fuck the secret service, fuck the police, fuck all of those scumbags The novelist was actually hired by MI5 or CIA to write James Bond specifically to paint secret service agents in a positive light, to detract from all the fucked up shit they were (& still are) doing. It's just a film, the idea of "RIghteous secret service hero vs "those bad guys" with an accent" ect... I have no commentary on IT'S JUST A FILM ... But still, it's the filming, his sauveness & competence & the scenery & the music & the fight scenes that inspires me, I couldn't give too shits about the actual secret service in reality, they all a bunch of scumbags.

Would be interesting to hear you list some examples if u know any ... (would also help me understand what owen's actual strengths that are my weakness So I can listen to him with purpose)

But how do you know he's still focused on that? I don't follow him tightly enough nor hang out with him so how could you make such a claim? "Chasing" is slightly pejorative presumably he would just have girls / a girl and not be "chasing" at this stage, given that he's meant to be an experienced pick up artist? Or do you mean he's still stuck going to club & picking them up every day ... Again I don't know much about him from the pick up side.

The guy literally has 8-9 figures, lives in LA and escaped wage slavery over 10 years ago ? He doesn't look like he sleeps 4 hours. He has the most relaxed face & voice, and good for him but I don't perceive any stress.