Been there. Not fun.
Self-judgement. That's the cage. Inquire.
It was so in my case, at least.
Releasing it...is a journey on its own. But it can be done. And its awesome.

This comes from shame. Those patterns you indulge in are cover ups. You have to find truth within yourself. The perfectionism comes from identification to a false self. The false self hides your authenticity. When shame becomes toxic, this is what happens. You hold yourself back and hide your true authentic self. You are perfect as you are. You are whole and complete. You need to connect to the body, shut off the thinking mind and allow your energy to flow through you unobstructed. I'm going out this weekend to connect with strangers myself in order to learn to integrate truth into my body and whole being. Don't enter in a relationship without solving this problem. I made this mistake. Allow yourself to connect with people and accept yourself fully in the proces. If you notice tension holding you back. Inspect that. Relax into that. And allow yourself to just be. Do social freedom exercises until you can let your energy settle in your body. You will find out that you are perfect as you are and that people respond to your own internal energy. They will accept you, will like you, find harmony within the connection that you provide. You only have to find your presence and acceptance first. This is not something you do at home. Of course meditate, but the real meditation and integration happens in moments of tension. Here you need to learn to adapt your energy to this truth. Shame and perfectionism will go away naturally as your energy becomes more unobstructed. 

btw, you are using this perfectionism (trying to make everything perfect in your mind) as a defense mechanism. 
it's a way to protect yourself from being wrong or feeling like a failure. when you are this judgememtal towards yourself, be careful, because if you do get into a relationship you will end up judging the other person like crazy.  so make sure to catch yourself.

Sex was seen differently at the old times. There were even temple priestesses called Sacred prostitutes as remembrance on how sex was more open than now. It was seen as empowering thing and not shameful like now.
Unfortunately with the arrival of society, Many wounds have been made in the collective female psyche.  Like the kurgan invasion, inquisition ( burning women at the stake), rape gangs, and Arabic treatment (hijab wearing, no driving license, other restrictions) etc.
At this point, women do rarely open themselves sexually. Only when away from the prying eyes of "society". That is why men are frustrated with this and are doing PUA. This however does not help to heal emotionally for both parts but only temporarily helps tickle your pickle.

Yeah, I don't know much about pickup but the most attractive/confident/funny guys I've seen are able to socialize well with anyone and aren't trying hard to "pick up" but they'll end up getting girls effortlessly just by being social and putting themselves out there without desperate neediness of wanting sex as the outcome 

If the truth is silent, but everyone listens to the loudest man in the room, they will all be fooled. 

It's possible that you're in the middle, or that you were more "masculine" because you needed to control the relationship to feel safe for some past trauma reasons.
Just throwing some stuff that you can contemplate, no idea if any of them are actually true, but maybe it will help to see clearer at some point :3
 

I wonder if this is too rigid. Maybe part of the issue is that you were trying to cover up feelings by diving back into sex. Maybe if that weren’t the case and you were genuinely horny you’d be more turned on during the sex. -just a thought worth investigating.