Natasha Tori Maru

Driving around at midnight unable to rest, the white line markings of the road slicing through the landscape in sloping lines... https://youtu.be/InFbBlpDTfQ?si=UsHHgsfYBao1G8O1

I was quietly going to point this out to OP 😈 The slapping of labels onto things to 'assist in learning about the self', or 'defining the self' is actually the conformist 'temple' attitude; OP would never ever know about these terms, or feel the need to label oneself, if they had not learned about this though some external frame. And that external frame in this sense is an idealogy not inherent to themselves 🤣

Your sexuality and how you express yourself is totally private; you never need to justify what you like to anyone. Let alone family. If you do not fit in the confines of the box others want to put you in, it will cause them to be perturbed. But recognise that is how they choose to react. You did not cause that reaction. Just don't talk about it. There are many things people in my life do not approve of about me. I just don't talk about it. I do not hold it against them. I let it be. Might be helpful to ask yourself 'is there ever a reason to disclose sexual preferences?' particularly around family. For me? No.

What else are you going to do with your time but use it? It might be interesting to ask yourself; would you rather waste time in bed, scrolling etc? Or waste time at some sort of goal? At least the time spend MIGHT lead to something. The thing I worry about with your mindset is; you are going to face hard shit no matter what. Be it work, health (physical or mental), wealth, people sick or dying around you. Disability... I might be assuming, but you sound young and unchallenged. Life is going to come for you. Quickly. And if you don't take it by the balls with work and applying yourself it's going to crush those nuts, making your feel like a victim. Like you are a ball stuck in the pinball machine getting fucked up by the paddles, without realising you are the paddles. I think the most important takeaway from your OP is that working at a passion doesn't feel like work. It is about perception. Toiling at something we hate stretches time out into agony. Injecting yourself full force into passion feels like no effort at all. This is what it is like for me when I am painting; time stops. But my GOD is there a lot of work and effort involved in art. It is just, I do not perceive it that way. Not like how I perceive my construction job to be work, regardless of how much I have mastered it. This points to something powerful; it is not the actual hard work issue - it is a perception issue. It is how you are feeling about it. Not the thing itself. How we feel about things changes all the time. I mean - thank fuck right? We want feelings, perceptions and emotions to be transient states. When I think on the last few threads you have created around this topic - I go back to the thought 'this user hasn't found their passion yet, their drive. Their reason to wake up' (⁠◍⁠•⁠ᴗ⁠•⁠◍⁠)⁠❤

https://youtu.be/uCheMBE8hq0?si=qs4aPV-xbMFABg3s

@Lord Kadaver sometimes true love, and expressing love, can be asserting boundaries. It is simply that when we aren't mature, have trauma, or attachment issues, this version of love is misunderstood. But it is a higher, more selfless love. Just like a parent who must discipline a child to protect them from harm; the child doesn't see this as love. It is not received like this from the child's perspective - it seems uncaring, what of the child's needs? But from the parents perspective; they are protecting and helping to grow the child. Ensuring safety while the child lacks the wisdom needed to thrive in the world. They love their child, and will protect them at all costs - even if that means they have to have hard words that the adult dislikes doing. It might feel bad within yourself to cut off your ex - but it is a loving act for both of you. So you can cleanly close the door and work on healing. It might not be what either wants, but that doesn't mean it isn't for the best. An act of love - but not fairytale love. Real love that entails sacrifice, maturity and surrender. If you were healed and able to have a friendship with this women, I can tell you from experience, none of these feelings of confusion would come up. Instead, you would feel a kind, warm regard and welcome an old friend. My experience, my experience 🙏❤️

I think Leo has expressed a very detailed and conscientious reply. The only thing I may add to aid in overthinking; imagine a child as they grow. They learn to roll. Then crawl. Then walk. The child has no room for overthinking, or thinking about the walking. It just does it. And repeats until muscles are built, reflexes honed. The process happens through trying and repetition. No need to analyse with the thinking mind disconnected from the event - only jumping into experience and reflecting through that. In a way you are almost rehabilitating yourself to life. You will need patience and grace for yourself. It sounds like you have been through a great emotional upheaval - you have my heart and well wishes ❤️🙏

It will never be forgotten... 'Because I can' conformity mindset of the rich

(⁠ ⁠◜⁠‿⁠◝⁠ ⁠)⁠♡

@Breathe really hard to say, because I wasn't using it for spiritual reasons - just bonding and experimenting. I had it in small crystal greyish form and via caps. So a full cap would be typical for me. I would never have found it useful for consciousness work. Not that sort of substance imo. I had visuals from it also - which I don't think is common. I recall going to see Daft Punk on it. During Aerodynamic got caught on a giant checker board I couldn't get out of. Then I saw gold zippers all over reality and as I unzipped them layers of vision were torn down to reveal new scenes. I recall that being the most intense MDMA trip, but I took a lot. It was tested as pure also (I never take anything I haven't tested with drug kits). I enjoy the 'slide out' part of the come up (if that makes sense) but I hate the surging waves prior to the backside/breaking on the shore. The come up feels too much, then I am gliding on a boogieboard of love, rinse repeat. Had to use a metaphor because I don't know how else to describe it. Had the most fun on it with partners. But yeah, the malaise I felt for a couple of months after mean I wouldn't do it again 😊

YMMV because everyone reacts differently; I experience a day or so of afterglow. I normally focus on sleep following MDMA. Small super nutrient dense meals without persuing the 'full' feeling people chase (which is not the currect way to eat anyway). Sleep recovery is higher with small meals. The 2 months following MDMA use feel depressed and malaise-like. Slight fog in the mind. I find it quite neurotoxic so I do not touch it any more. Using another substance on a comedown would overload my system I think. I am glad you came out alright 😊 I personally do not recommend MDMA.

Brah no one saying you can't 🤪 Just that it's silly

I share this sentiment also.

Enjoyed it a lot many years ago ❤️

Dunno if it has been said - might upset some FUCKEN 'gamer' branded/styled PC shit. We talking seizure inducing RGB lights, mice with fins and bolt on car spoilers, keyboards with turbo cyborg looking cancerous growths of plastic lit up like a Christmas tree... that shit. South/north bridge heat sinks that look like aluminium cladding with fins bolted onto fins , cold cathode lighting, custom waterloops with piping that looks like spaghetti intestines