Natasha Tori Maru

In my experience - you cannot control emotions and feelings. They occur. You can only alter your relationship with them. IE do you have an irresistible impulse to act on them? Or can you sit with them. Feel them in totality - and let them pass (process them) A book can assist. But no amount of cerebral analysing, explanation or thinking will be able to control the feeling itself. We can only change how we relate to the feeling. Which books were you looking at reading? Some are better than others at teaching techniques.

I've watched a few of your Youtube vids - I think you kill it! Enjoyable I am used to chairing meetings for work on large teams calls and leading site meetings, so I don't mind an audience. Public speaking is really fun. I suppose the meeting of our online perception of each other - and how we are face to face, or video + audio - is quite the contrast. I appear much more serious and stern here than I am when tone, intonation and body language is involved. A MASSIVE set of data is missing in online interaction that changes the connection entirely. People have lots of time to craft their little avatars online...

Stay tuned

Plenty of other contributors you can target that catering toward in this thread.

And this is a very, very bad way to conduct yourself (not only as a woman, as a human). You end up pretzelling yourself into someone that you aren't. So you hide yourself to make someone happy. It also requires "acting" in a way. It is an energy drain. And can cause resentment when their needs aren't met - because they tend to be unable to speak their needs and truth while placating to another. The result is we never see them properly for who are, as they present what they think you will like (or need to be), rather than themselves. This impedes true connection - which is the whole purpose behind intimate relationships. We need to be seen. Received. Often it is a process we need to grow out of. Sometimes it is rooted in attachment issues or co-dependency. Been there >.<

What about men? Do men like nice as a quality in women?

Yes - I feel like I have "play" mode and serious mode. But I was naturally always analytical. Easily swept up in my emotional states on occasion. Now I have more self control and I do not feel an irrevocable impulse to always act on an emotion or feeling. If the situation isn't correct, I can reside in charged states with ease. Lots of integration and conditioning work to get there. Ongoing process. Nonstop process I can relate. I was an angry, nihilistic little harpy. I experience similar in response to music. Music is very important to me. I experience a lot of peace now, after a lot of spiritual work. Even in chaos

I think I inherently view "nice" as approval seeking, conflict or discomfort avoiding, socially agreeable and overall seeking harmony/pleasant seeking behaviour. Which can be twisted and often avoids boundaries. It is can also (and frequently) be manipulative - unconsciously so. Kindness I enjoy as it is concern for others wellbeing, compassionate and caring but can maintain good boundaries. Kindness is okay with discomfort and is less inherently manipulative. I respect kindness because it can be confrontational and niceness usually isn't. I also view kindness as a way to "hold space" for someone, whereas niceness does not have that quality. Kindness = “I can tolerate your displeasure without abandoning what I believe is right.” I don't think it is possible to perform the above and be "nice". Might just be me.

I have been told that. But I can be VERY excitable - quick to excitement, quick to return to calm When there is stress, crisis or a large complex problem - I am calm and clear. Extremely focused and driven toward a solution. But if we are just goofing off, or there is some good news, I flip to higher charged energy. Which usually means I move a lot (speak some also) - but mainly body language, faces and random sounds. This is how I am described by OTHERS, mind you - I don't feel super charged up in jubilant states, but I express it with no censure. I am good at reading the room though so I shelve it if I sense someone isn't in the right mind to receive. How about yourself?

I require kindness. Not necessarily nice. Nice isn't required.

I will raise - I think people might be conflating desire with passion. They are totally different aspects of motivation. Sitting down and contemplating the difference will help. Desire is about an objective "I want X" . I experience passion as more of a process of engagement - it is an activity or domain. I experience them as a reinforcing sequence where I am interested, passionate so I engage. This triggers a desire for mastery. This can also run in reverse where desire can trigger pursuit, repeated engagement and unlock passion - this is especially crucial for me because I have found various passions in this reverse orientation, also. Desire can exist without action. Passion tends to action - but not always. Desire <-> Passion can also conflict with each other. "I really want and desire success, but I don't actually enjoy the process of engagement required to achieve it". And I think many of us know this inner conflict - or have experienced it. Desire can pull you toward an outcome while passion pulls you toward the process. Not a simple topic.

I am impossible to ignore

The truth always arrives with a bunch of horseshit. In my experience

Be patient. Don't get attached to some fantasy future. Make sure you are aligned with what is real. As closely as possible. It will reduce wasted energy, stress and suffering. Don't resist what "is".

Gotta be clear and not collapse the person (or character) with the behaviour. And make sure we do not have any sort of parasocial relationship behaviours ourselves. Can point to fantasy thinking.