caspex

Courage is acting despite fear. Diligence is finding comfort in the right things.

I studied well today in the sense I did not waste as much time as I would. I worked fast with all the others chores I had, and instead of getting frustrated that they were eating up my study time, I simply let it go. I don't want wrath have its way now do I? Studying is different from working out because you may be studying something you may not find particularly enjoying but you need to anyways. How do you find comfort in that? I think the key is to build security and certainty. - Being mindful of how good it feels to not procrastinate. After suffering so much at the hands of my sloth, studying for once actually feels quite nice. One needs to be aware of the sense of security they feel when they are actually working towards their goals. There's a comfort in knowing that you are progressing even if little by little. You can choose to focus on whether or not you are progressing fast enough but that's a later observation. One needs to first be mindful of and take comfort in the sense of security in progress. If you set a schedule, and maybe use a technique like Pomodoro, it will introduce sufficient certainty in the mix. However, there's a trap; It's actually easy to start anticipating the end of the session but that anticipation is a sneaky trap which breeds sloth. When you anticipate the end of the session you are admitting to yourself you are currently uncomfortable. What you should instead focus on is finishing the task at hand within the session. Maybe finishing a chapter of revision in the given session. It's a goal which is possible within the time frame but not too easy. It's sufficient challenge. At least that is enough to shift my focus from anticipation of the end to almost dreading the end because I want to finish a clean target within the time frame. If I can't, there is always the next session. Remember, the goal was never to finish a task within the session, the goal was to just distract yourself. I am still figuring this out but that's all I know so far. Really, I will know I am diligent once I am able to be consistent with not just my studies but also my working out. I am starting to get little inklings of what my benchmark should be for determining when I have become sufficiently courageous and diligent to move on to other compulsions. The benchmark for courage could be something related to repeated failures and the ability to get back up and try again. It could be related to one's ability to hold on to hope. The benchmark for diligence can be something related to consistency or one's ability to put in effort regardless of reward. Testing one's principle of doing a job well. How seriously you take your task. Again, these are just inklings-- vague ideas, you could say. Might be completely wrong. -- I bought some weights because it's much less resistance than having to visit the gym. Is it the most optimal way to get fit? No, absolutely not. I am not remotely close to any sort of optimal health plan or diet. However, that's not my goal. My goal isn't achieving a healthy body, it's achieving a diligent mind that acts towards meaningful targets. A healthy body is just one of those targets. As my mind becomes diligent and brave, it will leave more room to optimize my working out, diet and studies.

As an Indian I genuinely find it hard to believe you guys have such a clown for a president. How does a guy like that get into power? One for the history books.

any gut-focused teachers?

I agree with @zurew here, he points to a lot of problems I have seen with Leo. The thread has gotten lost into understanding what it means to define stuff when in reality this is the real issue at hand. This is what needs to be discussed. I would appreciate a more thorough response from @Leo Gura on this than a simple 'you're wrong because you aren't conscious enough'. Just this once. As for the definitions. Here's my two cents - Clearly there is something there when you try to define a cult. You wouldn't define a cult as 'a red ball' because it's clearly not that. There is some elephant everybody is trying describe from their perspective. I don't know what a cult is, but I know what a cult is not: Being able to openly criticize the leader and having no bars to leaving the community, not even epistemic. (Example: You'll go to hell if you leave!) Actualized.org allows for both open criticism of Leo and puts no epistemic, financial or physical restrains on you to stay. There's no peer pressure on you to stay within the community either. If you criticize Leo there is no crazy backlash either. This is enough to show me Actualized.org is not a cult. But as things are progressing, I do feel the community is becoming a little less conscious and with those retreats coming up I am very curious to see how Leo prevents this place from becoming more cult-like.

I was too slothful today. I didn't study at all. But I know I wasn't a coward. The reason I didn't study was because of comfort, not fear. I did exercise though. I really don't get how to overcome this bondage to comfort. With cowardice you just act despite the fear, that is courage after all. With sloth do you just forsake the comfort? Let me look up the definition for diligence: "careful work or great effort" "the quality of working carefully and with a lot of effort" The idea at least sounds quite stressful. Me holding on to that comfort might be causing the stress. Hm. . . After some thinking I don't think you must 'forsake' comfort. Comfort is akin to the feeling of security and certainty. I doubt anybody who can act consistently and diligently can do so for long without feeling some sort of comfort in what they are doing. Definition of comfort: "a pleasant feeling of being relaxed and free from pain" Yeah, it'd be pretty hard to be consistent in the gym if you feel pain every time you exercise. Every person I have seen that has been consistent in the gym for years has found the gym a quite comforting place. They found some sort of comfort in the exercise and place. I also remember that when I was consistent in my studying last year just before one of my exams, I found this strange comfort in the subject I was studying. It was as if that book was my home. Studying the chapters so many times gave me a sense of familiarity. Flipping the pages felt like walking through streets you're too familiar with. So the the way to solve cowardice is acting despite fear, and the way to solve sloth is finding comfort in what needs to be done? . . This gives me a lead to work off on. I will try to find comfort i.e. security and certainty within my studies tomorrow. When I wrote the above sentence I felt a physical reaction in my body. It recoiled at the idea of ever finding comfort in those books. This is VERY interesting. Yeah, fuck the fear. I am doing it. I am brave. Let's try this tomorrow and see what happens.

I don't think I could focus on the teaching if Leo looked like that

For me Sankalpa is a very formal process I do when undertaking an anushthana or would when I do a purushcharana. Water, Rice and Flowers held in one hand as you state your name, address and other identifiers. You say what you are setting an intention for and offer what's in your hand to the earth. I take care doing this though. Every time you complete a difficult sankalpa the power of your will increases. Until you reach a point where it's psychologically impossible for you to not carry through the sankalpa. Once you take a sankalpa it has to be done. This is why this is a powerful practice because you need this kind of will to complete Purushcharanas. Failing a sankalpa does more damage to your will power than succeeding one helps it.

Yesterday I powered through the fear and sat down to study again. All in all I was less of a coward yesterday, which is what counts. There was a point in time where I understood how to study for 8 hours a day and did it for a week, but the problem was never the logistics or my approach. It really was my mindset. Something bad happened and that caused me to completely give up until yesterday. It's because I was a coward who couldn't get back up due to the fear of failure. I was so sick and tired of failing and I still am. But I have to keep going. It's hard to even say "I'll do my best" because I am so uncertain about my future actions. I am afraid that once I say that, I won't really do my best. That emotional labor is grueling. But I have decided to be brave. I am gonna study more today, and finally pick up some dumbbells. I'll do my best. More thoughts about the 11C: Gluttony occurs in Over-Stimulation; Boredom occurs in Under-Stimulation. Dissolving Gluttony means not chasing stimulation beyond needed, dissolving Boredom means finding stillness in under-stimulation. Easy to confuse the two.

Compulsions which restraint one's will and their counterparts Pride / Humility Vainglory / Authenticity Greed / Charity Lust / Chastity Wrath / Patience Envy / Respect Gluttony / Temperance Sloth / Diligence Cowardice / Courage Raga / Vairagya Boredom / Peace This journal is about me working through these compulsions and reaching some sort of predetermined benchmark. I assume that unless something structurally flawed comes up in the concept of this journal, it should run on for years. I want to start off by working on Sloth & Cowardice together. They go hand in hand in my situation. Either I act a coward or get sucked into comfort. These are the two compulsions which are affecting me the most in a negative way. Now that I have identified these problems I don't want to theorize anymore. I want to move from a theory oriented person to an action oriented person. I have been a coward for so long. My sloth made me eventually fear failure and now I am stuck as a coward who is too afraid to start things, commit or say yes to friends for any plans. This is why I lie a lot to cover my tracks. I look a lot better than I actually am. It's time to become more courageous and diligent. I don't yet know how I will go about this, but instead of theorizing some more I am gonna be brave and dive headfirst into the things I have been avoiding and see what happens from there. I am not gonna set a benchmark just yet to determine exactly when I am done with developing Courage and Diligence; this is because I am not yet developed enough in these areas to even set any sort of benchmarks. Just so I can't back out and be a coward again, I am gonna set a rule to post here at least every 2 days if not everyday. I just know I will have some sort of bad day and then my cowardice will compel me to not write about it, which will eventually lead me to abandon this journal. I am gonna be brave and work through this. I am gonna commit hard here because I am too much of a coward to commit normally. This is the type of stuff that will make me more courageous. If I fail after committing hard that will be a learning experience. I have been playing it too safe. This is why I am gonna make a public journal about it. I don't care if people see me as a coward, I am willing to be vulnerable because I am brave.

Honestly if a critic actually used this forum for a year they would realize Leo isn't even mentioned most of the time. There are no signs of Actualized.org being a cult beyond the radical claims. To use deaths associated with this forum to call it a cult is in Bad Faith. Many deaths are associated even with science and the scientific method, is science a cult? No because it actually works and encourages asking questions. Maybe you'd think there's no comparing science to this forum, that's alright, but it's important to see the context in which those tragedies took place. As for the asking questions part, that's the same with this community. Nobody asks you to obey Leo, I don't even think about Leo when I use this forum. The nature of this work is such that some people will fuck up badly despite all the warnings, it doesn't matter if Leo is managing it or anybody else for that matter. Psychedelics do work and there is apt research going on at such. Just because science hasn't caught up doesn't mean it's not true. Besides, there's a whole 1hour33min video specifically about the dangers of psychedelics; on top of various other videos about the traps of spiritual work. The work is dangerous and maybe the biggest mistake is for this to be as openly available as it is in the first place. But if you make it a more closed system you're even more of a cult in the eyes of critics. There's no appealing to critics. If the reader of this message is somebody who's coming in from that video or a critic, know that unlike a cult, nobody is asking you to join and obey Leo, or even do this work for that matter. It's in your will to come in here and judge for yourself. I only ask you to judge fairly and in good faith.

Touché

Just because zero equals infinity doesn't mean there aren't numbers in between.

I was wondering how instant gratification applied to this forum. It's definitely not as bad as other platforms and can actually be a good source of delayed gratification. But this forum can certainly be used that way. When I read a good insight I assume it gives me a dopamine hit because I want to read more. This is how I felt reading your post. What I don't get is, does taking 3-5 minutes out to read your post and receiving a hit instant or delayed gratification? How much delay is there needed for something to be qualified as delayed gratification?