caspex

I just made a post about it

Yeah it's like being the sky while your mind is the countless number of clouds taking various shapes. The entire reality becomes you so the whole world is your mind therefore the small mind you call your mind is not really yours or different. It's one thing that's existing among others, like a rock by the side of the road. Yet it is important to note there is indeed also a state where there are no thoughts and your focus is steady. That is cool too.

A few days ago I became lucid and as I did my daily upasana I had a crazy download. It thrust me into a state of non-doership and oneness. This came after a long time of trying to embody my awakenings. Only one thing ran in my mind at that moment, "The point of life is not to have fun, be peaceful, be joyful or self-mastery. The point of life is to be GOD." What being God meant to me was being a pure vessel, aligning yourself so deeply with God that all your actions happen in alignment with the world. I felt so happy but that wasn't the point, I felt so satisfied but that wasn't the point. The point was that I was GOD. This lasted for two days. I lost all sense of social anxiety and procrastination. I was very productive, I took on new projects which I otherwise would have rejected. I was very extroverted, made new friends and had so much fun hanging out with a friend. In situations where I would have gotten angry I was very understanding. My friend told me later that he felt guilt at being so selfish about something after seeing me be selfless with him. It was like I had been drunk for two days. I was in heaven, I could lay down in the middle of the street and I wouldn't care man. Yesterday morning I woke up as myself again. I tried getting back but I can't. I am not so productive once again. I haven't asked my deity to make me experience that again yet because I believe that was a gift to show me more. I am not sure what really happened. I feel this is a lighter version of how Krishna felt in his life. It was so fun, there was no internal resistance. Everything I did or thought of doing was so fun, yet fun wasn't the point, it was being God. What was especially crazy was I had insane amounts of synchronicity happen to me. I was luckier, or at least felt luckier. Is this a sign that I may be able to embody my awakenings soon or do I still have a long way to go? I really want to get back, or maybe that desire is what's stopping me.

I had a nightmare which occurred several dream layers in like inception. I think I was 3 layers deep when my home turned into a dark version of itself, I walked to one of the bigger rooms on the upper floor, the whole house was dark. There were two beds and on them were my family's dead bodies covered with thin white sheets. I called out to them but they didn't respond. I was afraid to pull the sheets, but when I began to, I heard heavy footsteps coming up the stairs. The sound was approaching and I had to do something. I immediately became lucid and jumped up one layer to escape. I woke up in the second layer, in a lighter version of my house with a storm outside, I forced exit it to and woke up on the first layer, in the lap of somebody that was not real in a ideal home which was not real. I tried jumping again but it resulted in a mess. Everything turned to static and I saw words written and legible on the static. "Come back. Don't leave. This place is better. Come back, don't go. Stay, STAY STAY" I read each letter clearly. Then after a lot of mental tugging I finally woke up as if emerging from deep waters.

It gave me a glimpse of insanity and was enough to scare me off for a while. I felt insane when I was in that state. It's like a need to cry but there is no one who can. It's like needing to scream but there is no one who can. Very disturbing. However I did get past that eventually and realized the beauty in it. I can't embody it completely yet but whenever I do it's like taking a drug which makes you extroverted and productive. Productive because everything is fun to do. Life feels like frolicking around in heaven. I had that embodied for the two days, knowing we are all one and I have nothing to fear. Yesterday morning I woke up as my self again. Hard to embody it but I have gotten good.

What did you guys think of the backrooms movie? Me and a friend of mine just watched it in theaters two days ago and my friend and I still feel its effect. I think it's one of the best horror movies because it doesn't treat the viewer as stupid. For my friend it was genuinely unsettling because it ties into his own fears. It was slow but that's what made it so good. I can't shake the feeling of the backrooms off of me. I knew of the backrooms for a few years but for my friend this was completely new.

Still going strong everyday with the Upasana. The grid has been so accurate by the way. I ask Rama stuff and get a reply back. It has never proven wrong or unreliable. This is beyond just chance at this point. I like to think this communicative ability is a result of a few years of sadhana. This is just the Nitya(daily) upasana. Imagine the days when I am doing regular anusthanas. I wonder when I'll do my first purushcharana, it'll be a few years at least.

Update The newspapers may solve the loneliness issue. It makes me feel connected to the world without the internet. You know I should stop beating myself over not being able to achieve my idea of productivity. What I should really be focused on is fixing the chaotic environment around me which causes me procrastinate in the first place. The major problem is really the unpredictability. My home's getting renovated and I have to do chores a lot. Before this I was plagued by my family being constantly in the same room. Now after these renovations I will have my own room. Having my own room is not the ultimate solution but it should bring stability and predictability in my life. Predictability of life is the foundation over which routines are built. This is why discipline looks boring. Apology I'll be honest, it was my fault to think that the 11C can be focused on to solve procrastination. The reality is that it is relative to the person procrastinating and in my case it's not just internal factors which cause it. I swear to do better and keep striving. That already absolves me of the compulsion of 'Cowardice'. I am not lazy in my life and definitely pretty active getting other stuff done like my renovation work and pursuing some hobbies. Despite that I'd still consider myself slothful. What's really the benchmark for Sloth? I'd say a person who acts diligently but that's too generic and not final yet. I am gonna put fixing sloth as side quest for now and focus on a new compulsion now that I have found hope and dissolved cowardice. Shifting Focus I am now gonna shift focus to fixing Gluttony. I eat too much, I am fat. I consume too much brainrot and useless media which I have no benefit or even fun consuming. So what's the benchmark? The benchmark is that the one who consumes only for sustenance, maintenance and productivity has overcome Gluttony. Practically this will look like eating to maintain good health, consuming media which helps increase the quality of my life through knowledge or genuine fun, intaking information which helps me expand my view of the world or helps towards my future. I will still consume certain media as I deem refraining it as a part of overcoming Lust. For now I focus only on Gluttony. I have struggled with being fat all my life. I am fat precisely because food is an escape mechanism for me. It's my way of releasing stress. I am 92 kgs right at 5'8. My goal is 70kgs.

Started reading newspapers. That particular newspaper if often referenced in the one the exams I have coming up in 2 years.

LUST is about seeking oneness through devoration. Whether you're the devourer or the devouree. GLUTTONY is about seeking oneness through dissolution. Hunger is biological and healthy, GLUTTONY is an inner compulsion which is beyond simple hunger. Sexual Appetite is biological and seeking to satisfy it is healthy, LUST is an inner compulsion which is beyond simply sexual urge. Hunger is also an urge to devour, but not to seek oneness but only to satisfy one's biological need. Lust on the other hand is specifically for achieving this unity. The reason I define lust like this is because that's what Lust ultimately becomes if you keep feeding it and go the absolute extreme. You want to experience another being in every way possible, sometimes even eating them up. That's what Jeffery Dahmer did. Even masochism fits because it is still within the act of devoration, it's just your the one getting devoured now. Getting Devoured and Dissolution are experientially very different things, which is why Masochism is lust and not gluttony. Canibalism is very interesting because a lot of it, if we ignore ritual cannablism which doesn't deal with compulsion, is somewhere rooted in lust. A surprising amount of cannibalistic killers had sexual arousal attached to it. As for a cannibal who did it simply due to a morbid curiosity and lack empathy with no lust at all? I'd say that's free will. THAT'S curiosity. Curiosity is an expression of will. I wouldn't say he has any compulsions driving his/her will. Important point about Gluttony is that it often incorporates escapism into it. You drown yourself in pleasure to escape from something to hopefully achieve this oneness which your brain intuits to be the end of all suffering. Which it is correct about but gluttony is not gonna get you there. Can lust involve escapism? Yes, but it's not integral either. People escaping tough situations often become both lustful and gluttonous. My definition isnt yet fully complete it's more like structural observation. Not all seeking of oneness through dissolution is gluttony, but ALL gluttony is seeking oneness through dissolution. Similar case with lust.

Quite literally in your face

Nah fuck it. I am not a coward. Cowardice happens when you don't believe in yourself. When I failed I let it get to me to call myself a failure. I am not. That's just how many times you need to fail to succeed. I was never a coward. When I analyze my life I have been a very brave person. It's only when I stopped believing in myself and my power that I began acting like a coward. Cowardice isn't only about acting despite fear but also believing in yourself. You're powerful until you forget. Where does 'I can't do it' or 'I can do it but I know I will give up' come from? It's due to a lack of faith in your own power. Yes you failed in the past and failed again. That failure is expected, it doesn't mean you can't do something, keep failing until you make it. We fail because we DARE to dream. DARE TO HOPE for a better future. This is my challenge. A PERSON WHO DARES FOR BETTER IS A PERSON WHO HAS BEATEN COWARDICE. That is the threshold for what it means to beat cowardice.

Hope is the key to unlock heaven. you've got this bro

Hoping you got the joke

Yeah it's complicated but it'd be foolish to think it'd ever be simple. It's reality we are talking about, this stuff is so complex it can make you go insane once you start getting in the nitty gritty. Nice, same here. pada 1.