caspex

Still going strong everyday with the Upasana. The grid has been so accurate by the way. I ask Rama stuff and get a reply back. It has never proven wrong or unreliable. This is beyond just chance at this point. I like to think this communicative ability is a result of a few years of sadhana. This is just the Nitya(daily) upasana. Imagine the days when I am doing regular anusthanas. I wonder when I'll do my first purushcharana, it'll be a few years at least.

Update The newspapers may solve the loneliness issue. It makes me feel connected to the world without the internet. You know I should stop beating myself over not being able to achieve my idea of productivity. What I should really be focused on is fixing the chaotic environment around me which causes me procrastinate in the first place. The major problem is really the unpredictability. My home's getting renovated and I have to do chores a lot. Before this I was plagued by my family being constantly in the same room. Now after these renovations I will have my own room. Having my own room is not the ultimate solution but it should bring stability and predictability in my life. Predictability of life is the foundation over which routines are built. This is why discipline looks boring. Apology I'll be honest, it was my fault to think that the 11C can be focused on to solve procrastination. The reality is that it is relative to the person procrastinating and in my case it's not just internal factors which cause it. I swear to do better and keep striving. That already absolves me of the compulsion of 'Cowardice'. I am not lazy in my life and definitely pretty active getting other stuff done like my renovation work and pursuing some hobbies. Despite that I'd still consider myself slothful. What's really the benchmark for Sloth? I'd say a person who acts diligently but that's too generic and not final yet. I am gonna put fixing sloth as side quest for now and focus on a new compulsion now that I have found hope and dissolved cowardice. Shifting Focus I am now gonna shift focus to fixing Gluttony. I eat too much, I am fat. I consume too much brainrot and useless media which I have no benefit or even fun consuming. So what's the benchmark? The benchmark is that the one who consumes only for sustenance, maintenance and productivity has overcome Gluttony. Practically this will look like eating to maintain good health, consuming media which helps increase the quality of my life through knowledge or genuine fun, intaking information which helps me expand my view of the world or helps towards my future. I will still consume certain media as I deem refraining it as a part of overcoming Lust. For now I focus only on Gluttony. I have struggled with being fat all my life. I am fat precisely because food is an escape mechanism for me. It's my way of releasing stress. I am 92 kgs right at 5'8. My goal is 70kgs.

Started reading newspapers. That particular newspaper if often referenced in the one the exams I have coming up in 2 years.

LUST is about seeking oneness through devoration. Whether you're the devourer or the devouree. GLUTTONY is about seeking oneness through dissolution. Hunger is biological and healthy, GLUTTONY is an inner compulsion which is beyond simple hunger. Sexual Appetite is biological and seeking to satisfy it is healthy, LUST is an inner compulsion which is beyond simply sexual urge. Hunger is also an urge to devour, but not to seek oneness but only to satisfy one's biological need. Lust on the other hand is specifically for achieving this unity. The reason I define lust like this is because that's what Lust ultimately becomes if you keep feeding it and go the absolute extreme. You want to experience another being in every way possible, sometimes even eating them up. That's what Jeffery Dahmer did. Even masochism fits because it is still within the act of devoration, it's just your the one getting devoured now. Getting Devoured and Dissolution are experientially very different things, which is why Masochism is lust and not gluttony. Canibalism is very interesting because a lot of it, if we ignore ritual cannablism which doesn't deal with compulsion, is somewhere rooted in lust. A surprising amount of cannibalistic killers had sexual arousal attached to it. As for a cannibal who did it simply due to a morbid curiosity and lack empathy with no lust at all? I'd say that's free will. THAT'S curiosity. Curiosity is an expression of will. I wouldn't say he has any compulsions driving his/her will. Important point about Gluttony is that it often incorporates escapism into it. You drown yourself in pleasure to escape from something to hopefully achieve this oneness which your brain intuits to be the end of all suffering. Which it is correct about but gluttony is not gonna get you there. Can lust involve escapism? Yes, but it's not integral either. People escaping tough situations often become both lustful and gluttonous. My definition isnt yet fully complete it's more like structural observation. Not all seeking of oneness through dissolution is gluttony, but ALL gluttony is seeking oneness through dissolution. Similar case with lust.

Quite literally in your face

Nah fuck it. I am not a coward. Cowardice happens when you don't believe in yourself. When I failed I let it get to me to call myself a failure. I am not. That's just how many times you need to fail to succeed. I was never a coward. When I analyze my life I have been a very brave person. It's only when I stopped believing in myself and my power that I began acting like a coward. Cowardice isn't only about acting despite fear but also believing in yourself. You're powerful until you forget. Where does 'I can't do it' or 'I can do it but I know I will give up' come from? It's due to a lack of faith in your own power. Yes you failed in the past and failed again. That failure is expected, it doesn't mean you can't do something, keep failing until you make it. We fail because we DARE to dream. DARE TO HOPE for a better future. This is my challenge. A PERSON WHO DARES FOR BETTER IS A PERSON WHO HAS BEATEN COWARDICE. That is the threshold for what it means to beat cowardice.

Hope is the key to unlock heaven. you've got this bro

Hoping you got the joke

Yeah it's complicated but it'd be foolish to think it'd ever be simple. It's reality we are talking about, this stuff is so complex it can make you go insane once you start getting in the nitty gritty. Nice, same here. pada 1.

Planetrary energies are defined very impersonally so it is hard to treat them like archetypes mapped onto human personalities. Example: Mars could mean brotherly love but also aggression. Is the aggression from a perspective of dharma or adharma? It gets tricky. So I draw a birth chart, decide on an ascendent and place the 9 planets around based on what I want. Example follow up: Mars in Capricorn 10th house: Now that is specifically a person who is good at getting shit done. But remember, that's different from Saturn in Libra because that one is also good at getting shit done.. just in a different way. I stopped believing in birth charts a while back, but I dont discount how useful the whole model is which developed over centuries and millenia. The best use case I get is I can notice what type of energy my life is currently embodying, so I can predict future stuff. Which can be counteracted through known rules. Example 2: "Damn, it's like whenever I try to do honest work to earn money, it always turns dishonest in some way. That sounds a lot like Rahu 10th House. Hmm. To counteract this I need some Jovian energy. Best place would be Jupiter 9th house. 9th house is the house of Dharma so one solution is "Guide my Rahu Ambition with Jovian Ethics" so I should probably decide on a set of principles. Oh wait, isnt 9th house also of the father and gurus? A jupiter in 9th would mean guidance from fathers and teachers. Let me seek moral guidance from them too, this would increase the Jovian 9th house influence in my life hopefully counteracting the Rahu 10th house energy!"

I do something similar but with the 9 vedic astrology planets instead.

what's wrong with emotions?

Title - Dancing Godworks Lines and beams stretch be-yonder Fall below explode in wander All connect as roots of banyan Love emerges; Godful mansion Alert, twist and twirls Instinct dances For where love whirls Separate yet one One equal to none A smack on the back A whack on the face A punch to the gut A kiss from God Dissolve but then Explosion of, being Fireworks of existence crackle And fizzle past their time Is it the same Is it all different? Existence claps for your heart rejoices Droplets of joy fall; it's the pond of potential! Tip-tip like little jabs of love An uppercut of affection A choke full of perfection

It has been 7 days since my last post. I broke the rule regarding posting at least 2 days. That's okay I'll try my best to not break it again. I did not study a single hour after that day. Again, I am wildly confused what it is. I think it is just burnout. I took a break today and hanged out with some friends. I am gonna start a new subject from tomorrow and see if I find it novel enough. Overconsumption i.e. gluttony really traps you in dopamine and kills creativity. I am gonna try my best to not be gluttonous until I do some productive work tomorrow. Gluttony often leads to cowardice and sloth. Actually, when I get my work done for the day I am not a coward at all in all other aspects of life. I dare to begin new things and talk to many new people outside. Think up business ideas and ways to earn. Cowardice is not inherent in this particular case as would be for something like entering a dark part of the house. (If you are scared of the dark) It's the feeling of having given up on all other aspects of life because you failed today at one aspect you valued. For me that means studying. If I have not studied today to a satisfactory degree and did other productive work which invests in my future- I feel wildly unmotivated for anything else in life. Which leaves only gluttony as the default. So you're telling me that I get all upset if I don't get my work done for the day? That's the opposite of sloth! I have been punishing myself enough for not being productive, I don't need any more negative reinforcement. The reason I still don't do the work is just plain burnout after having studied the same subject for 5 months. This is my guess for now. What exactly is burnout? Topic for another day.

I used to think myself a diamond rare unique inside a sea of coal banal submerged below; "I breathe no common air! await I do to rise and show them all" Await I did yet came no call esteemed I wasted youth: "I'm not a normal schmuck" "The game is rigged!" I cried I cursed I screamed I trapped myself "I must possess no luck" "Be perfect now, or else do not begin" I stayed afraid of change within my realm It came to me a bit too late within the truth the guts it takes to be a gem Expel the dirt the earthly stain in coal Then suffer deep as hero pure