caspex

You are not supposed to just tell yourself you are not something. You need to observe what you think you are enough that you get how you can't be it. You detach from it. It's very logical. I did it for about 6-7 hours straight and that got me to no-self. It definitely works.

I really appreciate your replies but truthfully, I do not understand. If there's a simpler way.

Note: I only remember this experience, I do not experience it right now. This was a few months ago. An annual event occured called Mahashivratri, a night upsurge of energy. I heard somewhere that if you do japa of "Om Namah Shivaya" on this night, you gain immense fruits. I was already doing Hanuman's japa so I thought I'd give this a try. It gave me a wild experience. Context: I was sitting in front of Shiva's Picture, in padmasana, with diya lit up and all the other karmas that you do in Hinduism as are prescribed. I chanted the mantra for 108 malas. Each mala contains 108 beads. So I chanted it for 11,664 times which took about 4 hours. Here's what I experienced. It was done all sober, although many take marijuanna with this particular pooja. It started slow but I felt my awareness get sharper. It was like I was seeing, hearing and feeling things in 4k. My previous experience felt like a 144p video compared to this. Over time, I started feeling like I was detaching from my body, like a flame is to the wick of the candle, I was to my body. Moving around, almost escaping, but nonetheless attached and dependent. This was when I decided to direct my awareness on my self and the world around. It hit me suddenly I was fake and so was the world. But at the same time, this as real as it could get. I could see, I saw that Shiva was the entire universe, time and space. The world was created out of Shiva, and the forms took shape out of dynamic energy, or Shakti. But they were both the same. Shiva weaving entire realities into this present moment. My body didn't even feel my own and it was as if I existed as air. It dawned on me that there was nothing beyond the present moment and what I experienced, and that there was no witness. The entire thing is just Shiva, and he's meditating. I did not care of my life story, my past, or my future, it was all as if I just imagined those stories. Therefore could be disregarded and forgotten. Only thing mattered was Shiva. Now, suffice to say, it was pretty mind blowing, but this not where it stops. I directed my attention at the idea of others, and sure enough, they were illusions too. In fact, Shiva was the one creating them, just like he was creating me. Others do not exist, just like the self. But I do not experience that anymore. I post here because I remember someone talking about this. I could actually see how Shiva constructs reality and how he is doing it every moment. There's no consistency between the past and the present. We think it does, but the logic we use to define that consistency has no ground. Logic is in fact, completely illogical and indistinguishable from it. I am as stupid as reality can get. Shiva is absolute null but it's not like there's anything other than Shiva in this world. All comparisons fail, you cannot compare something which is every thing. Question is, Others don't exist. Makes everything feels absurd. It makes my heart feel empty and groundless. At the time I remember feeling complete and still. But now, I just feel disoriented by that idea. What should I do?

Vikings used to believe earth was made out of the corpse of a giant. The rocks the teeth, the ocean his blood, the mountains his bones and the ground his flesh. Stage Purple doesn't care that much for logic. As long as it works. That's the only thing I can think about.

My father is really kind and forgiving. But this one time when I was 11 or 12, my father was in a bad mood due to things I cannot mention here. I was outside with him and kept bugging him about something I wanted to buy, I even cried. My father scolded me harshly in front of a few people and it left an impression on me. On the way back, the mood was tense and he even hit me. I went into my mother's arms as soon as we reached home. I realise how this makes my father sound like a terrible human but that has happened only once. He's the smartest guy I know and probably the closest person I know to Stage Yellow. He cares immensely for me. But yeah, that one afternoon shaped me. Until that point, my father told me, I was just like any other child who demanded items to buy and was quite non chalant. But after that, I barely ever asked for anything to my parents. I also became very reserved. For an example, when I first came across Minecraft, it took years for me to figure how to get it for free and then somehow sell currencies on a cracked server to get a real Minecraft account. But in all those years I never asked for my parents to buy me the game. It never even occured to me. They could've easily afforded it. That experience, my father says, made me a lot more observant. I speak very less, only when I need to. I don't know what it was. For many children, nothing would have changed, but it changed me, just one good scolding.

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I refuse to believe y'all took the same test.

Health is a big factor. While that's obvious, many times we don't realise how important it is. After months of severe anemia I got myself checked and realised my diagnosis. So I fixed myself. Due to that, I also started investing in supplements that specifically target brain health and found out about Dual-N-Back. Although I do admit I can be using my head in better and more complex ways, I have never felt smarter. That's big, because I am 20 and everyone I know that's my age, would describe their mental prime to be around 14-16. Another big factor is your diet. Not just food but also content. Short form content literally makes you dumber. The model of a Satvik lifestyle is one of the best imo, for achieving very efficient body and brain functionality. I believe there are ways where one can incorporate non-vegetarian aspects as well, but personally being Satvik has worked the best for me especially since I do Bhakti of a particulate deity and it's required.

It says that I clicked disagree to many times so I must have multiple personalities

Thank you all for your support. I guess it'll get better on its own with time, I'll keep trying. Just pass this exam. That's all I want at the moment. But I keep escaping through procrastination. I don't even know what it is I am fearful of.

As much as I would love this conversation, if JP simply gets hostile then the whole thing would serve no value but drama. I'd rather Leo make a new video if that is what's going to happen.

I'll be 20 in two months and have some of the most important stuff of my life coming up in the next few years. I have it all planned out. The next 5-15 years all planned out to the appropriate degree. The only problem is execution. I am so inconsistent, hypocritical, undisciplined and honestly non-serious about my life that it hurts. I know I am the one doing this to myself yet I feel like a victim to my own laziness. I have made countless action plans, do overs and even spent money in implementing these plans. Yet I fall back to the life of least resistance after some time. It has made me lose hope over this year and it has made me cry at nights. I need to study, and I need to study seriously because the exam I am trying to pass needs A LOT of hardwork. I never worked hard in school and passed by studying the night before each time. I have never failed a test once in my life and that has made me lazy and arrogant. In fact, I passed the first level of my current course by studying only 11 days earlier. Less than 24% of the people who gave that exam that day passed it. But I have reached my limit now, I cannot pass this one by simply studying it even if it's 2 months earlier. This is why I decided to study from January this year. But I procrastinated entire weeks. I have only covered 40% of the syllabus and my exams are in 1.5 months. However, I know for a fact I can cover the rest in this time ONLY if I study 7-9 hours everyday without procrastinating. Yet, I am STILL procrastinating. Even if I pass this exam, it doesnt improve my personality and mindset of being lazy about my future. I don't give a shit and I really want to. I feel like I can do it without a lot of effort, and logically I know I can't. I have plans for my life that I can't follow through with this lazy mindset, habit or pride. So, I know what to do broadly in the next few years. I am even mentally capable of creating in between stepping stone goals and plans to achieve them. But I can't execute, at all. How do you become a serious man? (Please also suggest me some of Leo's old videos that deal exactly with this issue if you know of anything)