caspex

@Roy nah check this thread out

@Leo Gura You ever have doubts that maybe one day everything or major aspects of your teachings will be invalidated by some contradictory awaking that is above all others? Or is that you have absolute confidence in your teachings?

I am just gonna enjoy the current times because pretty soon all of this will become nothing more than nostalgia. If most of humanity is going to perish due to massive disasters, I am pretty sure I am not in a position where I have a high chance of surviving. And the sad thing is I can't do much about that with the resources I have. So instead of being fearful I am just gonna be loving and try my best to embody God and grow spirituality while I am still alive. Those of you who are fearful about the coming times, whether or not you have power to do something about it, remember all the spiritual work you have done, and if you have understood death to be an illusion, then be happy and see these times as an adventure. Don't isolate spirituality from all the current affairs.

This is the stage I need the most work done in right now and it's time I grind. Everything I say in this journal will intentionally be in the most Stage Orange language possible. This is because it will help me contemplate about topics in a more stage orange/ practicality oriented way. This journal is all about results. Materialistic results. Skill development, money, fame, dating, habits and so on. I will intentionally not give any fucks about being anything more than a practicality and results oriented person. It's time I take a more active role in my development. Posting this journal online is also a stage orange act of increasing ego, getting attention and competition. This will also help me keep myself accountable and responsible, making sure I don't lose some of the important stage Blue values. Next rule I will impose upon myself is that I'll write something here everyday. Only exception is if I literally can't due to reasons such as away, busy or sick. If I have nothing to write about I'll just contemplate some random topic with stage orange values in mind.

Fear of Making Mistakes Nothing but love to my mother but growing up before I was 10-11, I was scolded for making mistakes, not harshly but in a way that annoyed my mother. Logically speaking, you should only scold a child if that child does something bad intentionally or shows no motivation to try. If that child makes a mistake one should not scold them even if one gets annoyed. No matter how big the mistake is, it's still an honest mistake. Scolding a child for making an honest mistake is like blaming someone for a coincidence. It makes no sense. Since you cannot already know what you don't know, there is no way to predict a mistake. So all a child can do in such a situation is develop caution and doubt, playing it safe, and to avoid taking initiative. That's what happened with me. I find it hard to take initiative because I am very scared of messing up. This is also why I avoid change and stick to what has worked for me. Taking risks pounds my heart. I always prepare a safety net when making a big change. Meaning that if I fail I can go back. This is good for situations where the risk is very high but this becomes dysfunctional where the change is due for a while but the indecision caused due to my fear of failing prevents me from making that change. If I can't get a safety net together but am forced by life to make that change, where the burden of failing is entirely on me, I usually feel very paranoid, as if having traveled too far into an unknown territory, wanting to go back home. I really REALLY hate making mistakes. I have no qualms doing the same thing IF the blame of failing goes to someone else. This fear makes me a pawn rather than a leader. I love to take initiative when I can accept the burden of failing. I feel as if I have what it takes to be a leader, but this fear of failure is what limits me from that. Cut to my current point in life and I am expected to have taken initiative a long time ago. I can't properly explain a situation to someone because I don't understand the situation well enough and fear portraying an inaccurate depiction of what happened. Because when I have to understand a situation I am too scared to ask. This is also a major cause for my procrastination because I distract myself from doing tough things and taking tough decisions because that necessarily involves taking risk. I mentally project risk where there isn't any and try avoiding that situation even though there is no good reason to avoid it. I avoid situations simply because they are new. I avoid problems as if they'd fix themselves, until the problems gets worse enough for me to not have been left a choice. All of this makes me feel as if I am pathetic and weak. Especially when I think of myself as a man, I really judge myself because of all of this. This gives me low self esteem. Because this feels bad, I again avoid this problem because I mentally project some risk onto taking initiative. "What if I invest all this will, time and energy into being better, but I just go back to being how I have always been anyways?". That's a legitimate fear for me. So not being able to do anything due to indecision, I simply distract myself. And only do things that I have to do to survive. This fear makes me irresponsible, unreliable, lazy, indecisive, timid, weak-willed and cowardly. What's most amazing is I cherry pick in my memories only the moments where I wasn't this way, so as to maintain a personal image of being a decently responsible and reliable person. This is the reason why I start projects but never finish them. This is the reason I make promises but don't keep on them. Persistence is when one constantly fails but tries again and again because their eye is on the ball. What persistence is there when one doesn't allow themselves to fail? Progression requires failure. Fear of failure is stagnation and stagnation is death. I have now located a core problem within myself, that branches out into almost every other problem I have with myself. Now I shall be decisive in fixing this problem.

@integral I agree

@withinUverse thanks

I wonder if most people really fear death itself. I always thought that I was afraid of death until I realized I was equating death to pain. The moment I realized what I was really scared of was pain and suffering, I realized I don't really mind ceasing to exist. I think most people are scared of suffering and pain, not death. Would people automatically stop fearing death if they transcended the fear of pain and suffering? I'd say yes. Because that fear runs way deeper.

Thanks ChatGPT!

Yeah I have the same problem. I know I am right but when I see others agree with me I feel even more confident in my view. I'd rather have the confidence without the validation.

Why even make a post about leaving the forum? Make one after you have successfully stayed off for like 2 weeks then you'd be sure you ain't coming back. Because if you can't silently quit and the main motivation is to immediately make a post about leaving that's a pretty sure sign your mind is tricking you.

Erratic Lifestyle and Impatient Exploration After making schedules, routines and stuff many times, I have come to a conclusion that no matter how flexible I make it I can't stick to it. A schedule just doesn't work for me because I am way too erratic with my lifestyle. Sure I could force myself to be disciplined in that regard but that's just not who I am right now. I have tried disciplining myself, and done that for a couple of days, and I am not happy that way overall speaking. My life is just like that as of right now. Being erratic in my schedule makes me happier and more content, as long as I am not doing anything that takes my energy away without providing back any value. Eg. Browsing YT Shorts, playing random games, watching/reading useless stuff online Watching stuff online such as YT shorts is an interesting thing because I do genuinely learn new things and find new fields I am interested in through that process. It's just that if I do that too much it becomes more trouble than it's worth. Honestly I am so erratic that I can't get shit done unless it's the last minute, which I want to fix. But now I know I have to do that without boxing myself in schedules or routines. See what's super interesting is that if I allow myself to be erratic but replace all the tasks I do with productive ones, sure it's harder to predict what I'll be productive in, but it's guaranteed that I'll be productive. One big point is though is that I don't want to fuel this variable lifestyle with short-lived motivations. Because if I do that I'll never finish doing anything. If I am gonna be inconsistent so be it, but I am gonna pick a few things to focus on only. I won't allow myself to do anything else before I finish those few things I picked. I am young and I really want to explore the world because of that youth in me. After all, I am finally old enough, physically capable enough, mentally aware enough to do and understand the things I have always wanted to understand. The urge to explore and learn is only natural. But it's very easy for that to sweep me away into trying all these new things which ultimately waste more time than provide growth. I honestly want explore all I want and still somehow have the energy and time to work on things so I can finish them because they are important to me. This is why I wish I didn't need to sleep, and the day had more hours to it. But that's not possible, so I'll have to pick and choose. I think what I need to realize is that I DO infact have enough time to explore and finish doing stuff if I just focus on some at a time. I should be more patient. I need to understand that there is no need to be this impatient. I have a lot of time, and by the time I am 30 (A whole 12 years from now!), I can do most of what I want to do right now and much more to a degree I would never imagine. But only if I am patient with my exploration.

@Madhur What I meant to say was you sounded like 'an average Hindi-speaking guy in videos'. You yourself must have noticed how a Hindi-speaking person in a video sounds way different in there expression and tone compared to a more authentic style you see in more developed content and in real life. It all sounds to me like "Hello friends chai peelo" lmao. I have seen only a few people in a video who don't apply this repetitive video-like tone in each sentence. If you're gonna be targeting mostly orange folks then you gotta brand your personality and stand out, otherwise most won't like you enough to keep watching.

@MuadDib Thanks for sharing your perspective. I appreciate it.

I still haven't experience any difference between going vegan or not, even though I have tried em both. Honestly, I am thinking of quitting meat eating simply because every time I go to the butcher's to buy the chicken, they kill a chicken in front of me to replace the one they just gave me. To see them all packed together just sitting, waiting for the inevitable. Even though the ones I get are treated better than the factory grown chicken, it's starting to affect me. Like initially I thought I could raise my own chickens for meat when I get older, but how conscious am I if I am doing something to another living being that I wouldn't wanna be done to me if I was that living being. If I was a plant I wouldn't mind getting my fruits taken or be uprooted to be eaten cuz I wouldn't be feeling pain and stuff. But if I was a chicken, I am pretty sure I'd be shaking in face of my death. I mean to inflict/cause that kind of suffering and pain all for selfish reasons, it's so hard to accept when you are actually aware of what you are doing. You know when Jesus was on the cross, even in great pain he asked for forgiveness from God for the people who crucified him and wanting to kill him? That's the kind of acceptance you need, to consciously decide whether you wanna kill something else to eat it. And when you achieve that super human feat of accepting and transcending physical pain, terror and torture, how heartless must you be to inflict that same thing on another living being? That'd be another super human feat in itself, because at that point, every time you kill something that can suffer the pain and terror of death, you're killing yourself. Imagine how fucking awake you'd need to be to not get traumatized from that. Like I honestly feel this is why the more conscious people get the more they respect other being's will and life.

@Devin It'd be solipsistic if I denied the existence of the chicken. What you quote from me suggests union instead.

@Devin My thread is based on what it would take to accept the pain you feel when killing something, assuming you are conscious/empathetic enough to feel it's pain as your own. What I said in my previous comment works even if you aren't seeing the world through solipsism. It doesn't suggest solipsism at all.

bump

One of the things I have noticed in my life is that at every stage of development my worldview has gotten more inclusive and larger. Meaning that my baseline awareness has gotten bigger and includes more and more things. This is the fundamental difference between development levels. This also allows you to transcend limitations of your previous stage when you become more aware. For example, when I was around 6/7 years old all I was aware of was my immediate surroundings, myself and my direct experience. Both my spatial and temporal awareness was limited to the here and now. By the time I reached 11/12 years of age, my spatial awareness expanded to my local area and a vague idea of being in a country and an even vaguer notion of the planet Earth. My temporal awareness could only go as far as a week, and even though I knew certain events would be coming up past a week, at the time of making a decision I wouldn't be taking all of that into account. By the time I reached 14 I would be aware of the internet landscape(a part of spatial awareness) and diversity of people on it(I never went out very much). My temporal awareness shifted to a few months. I am 18 now and my awareness is yet again wanting to jump up, this time to a good awareness of my state and a better awareness of my country and the rest of the globe. My temporal awareness only goes upto a year right now, as I don't consider a longer timeframe when making decision unless I consciously decide to. Gaining more awareness means you are able to make better decisions and are more emotionally stable. I used to cry at the slightest insult in school, until the day my awareness expanded to other people's 'selves' too. Meaning I started imagining them having distinct selves just like I have one. Which made it clear that they had their own opinions and them saying something about me doesn't change me. The next step for me is to become politically aware, globally and nationally. For the last few years my understanding of how big the earth is and how big countries really are has expanded hugely, my perspective on the diversity that exists in human culture, opinions and worldviews has also expanded. Politics, I believe is something I need to be very aware of to reach this next level of development. History is also massive so I am looking into that as well. I really want to reach temporal awareness of atleast the next 5-10 years, and a spatial awareness of my country and the globe. I have never watched news on my own will or looked into this kind of stuff so I am very clueless. I downloaded this app which gives you short articles on current news which you can scroll through but that's about it. What are your suggestions to increase my awareness?

You are the entire chicken you are killing and the entire chicken only, in addition to being everything as well, and being nothing, neither and either. So I mean it's paradoxical but really it's just because reality has infinite dimensions to it. Saying you are everything and not just the chicken is a pretty narrow view don't you think? Even though it's also true.

@Tanz Yeah it's so fucked. You can't really escape it you just need to accept the brutality. @Lila9 When I see the animals and try to imagine how simplistic their perception must be, I can't help but compare their innocence to that of a baby.

@Vasu Jaggi I agree with you but it's really hard to embody that in extreme situations.