caspex

Update The last few weeks have been very emotionally challenging for me. I don't want to share the cause here, but it has been filled with suffering. I have tried to continue the practice multiple times but failed to make it past 3 days a few times due to the said cause. I feel good enough to properly start again now. I'll update tomorrow. @Carl-Richard Thanks for the tips!

Day 2 31 Minutes. Even though I get proper sleep at proper times I fell into a hypnagogic haze, where my thoughts made very little sense. I was sitting upright and cross legged, so it was not like I had any support to my back that made me sleepy. I think I caught myself from falling back about 3 times. Honestly I am having no problems with pain at all. It's not pleasant but it's alright. I understand that half an hour is not a long time and it is probably why I am having an easier time. I am planning on 40 minutes tomorrow. 30 minutes is like the very edge of when the real pain starts. By the last few minutes I always feel like giving up, so I am expecting tomorrow to be hard. One thing's clear now, my mind is so overstimulated it keeps me entertained through random thoughts even in SDS. I try not to engage in these thoughts and just observe them, being a rock myself, but that's probably why I fell asleep. I didn't want to stop my mind from running amok as that counts as doing something. I get the impression that my focus should also remain inwards. It's honestly kind of disgusting, it's like my mind has eaten too much and is shitting itself all the time. Most of the thoughts make no sense unless I intentionally engage with me. This is classic monkey mind and there are a lot of resources for dealing with this. I know what I have to do, which is to cut off a lot of the source of stimulation to make these SDS higher in quality. Without acting on these realizations there's no point in continuing the sits or increasing their time. From now on I'll keep my phone in a drawer till 6PM, which is when I am done studying, only using it for stuff like picking up calls. I don't want to go cold turkey on it.

Developing a Sense of the Deity's Presence Around You at All Times Nothing has changed about my practice but I feel a new development in my upasana journey which I believe to be a new level reached. After more than a year of non-stop japa I have developed a keen sense of the deity's energy or at least have made a strong impression of it in my mind. After each pooja this presence lingers and I can willingly tap into such presence at any time but it's strongest after the pooja itself. It gets rid of almost all fear in my mind and I am not afraid of the things I am normally afraid of, like the dark. I feel a deep sense of protection from the deity which makes me fearless. Not only that but also a deep sense of love from the deity makes any loneliness or negative emotions dissipate like melting ghee with a spoon. Honestly, in RPG terms it feels like a literal Buff effect being put on your mind that lasts a certain period of time. Let me detail you in my personal experience of it. My Experience I feel the presence of Shri Rama Ji and Shri Sita Ji after poojas giving me that mental buff. This is not surprising as these deities are deeply interlinked with my Upasana of Hanumana Ji. Sita Mata is the wife of Shri Rama Ji and I see them as my parents on a very deep level. Sita Ma appears to me the strongest in the form of pure energy and force, it's unreal and filled with infinite levels of raw love & power. It makes me cry like a baby meditating on her motherly love. It's beyond words and can't be uttered. I can only tell you what I feel. She is pure power and love, she is the universal mother. But don't think her being the mother of the entire universe and not just you makes her motherhood to you any less personal. No, it's personal, her love is as personal as it can get. It's for YOU. This infinite love, she gives it to YOU unconditionally. It makes me shed tears just thinking about it. It's beyond understanding how and why she loves you so much. No matter how sinful you behave, how much you hate her, without doubt she will always be there for you to love you with open arms. Being sinful may make you blind to her love but it's always there. Such is infinite love. It's likely the same as the infinite love you experience on other paths. Shri Rama ji seems to take a back seat as a more still presence but being there equally as strong. I believe he'll become a stronger presence for me as time goes on. In my body, I have decided to feel the presence of Sita Mata on the left side, Shri Rama ji in the the middle and Lakshmana Ji(Brother of Shri Rama Ji) on the right. Mimicking the three major nadis. It dawned on me that's what the popular arrangement of the trio might represent.

Day 1 In the evening I completed 30 Minutes of SDS without moving intentionally. I sat down cross legged on the cemented floor of my building's rooftop. The rooftop is personally owned and quite tranquil with a variety of plants and flowers decorating it. I thought I sat down comfortably but it was quite evident after only a few minutes that my spine, while straight, was bent a bit forward and my head was ever so slightly tilted to the right. The pain made it clear and the back only slanted more as it hurt and my head grew more tilted as time went on. I did not want to intentionally move back to a more comfortable or stable position as that would defeat the purpose of the sit. The only intentional act I performed was to swallow my saliva, even which I did very sparingly. It was difficult and by the end I was second guessing my memory of even having set the 30 minute alarm. Admittedly this is the first time in 4 years that I am starting a meditation practice. I used to do a different sort of meditation for 2 hours each day during lockdown, but became increasingly less spiritual as time went on from there. I see the benefits almost immediately, I feel clear and very still but am reluctant to share other details until these benefits prove continuous.

SEED #2 In continuation of my larger goals, I will now attempt Strong Determination Sitting (SDS). : SDS :: 30 Days; minimum 30 mins with a goal of 1HR. In the morning, if I can't then in the evening. I believe this will help me in every aspect of my life. As per my observations of my efforts and failures, my mind is fickle and admittedly weak. It didn't start out strong but I see the potential. I know that I am the one who sabotages myself and there's very little external cause for my failures. A major part of my internal struggle is my mind. It's not still nor is it tough. This is a feature not a bug, as due to this nature there are many other perks. Today's Day 1 and I already did 30 minutes today, I'll detail my experiences for the 30 days in a separate journal. See you on 2025.02.23.

Strong Determination Sitting: 30 Days I believe this will help me in every aspect of my life. As per my observations of my efforts and failures, my mind is fickle and admittedly weak. It didn't start out strong but I see the potential. I know that I am the one who sabotages myself and there's very little external cause for my failures. A major part of my internal struggle is my mind. It's not still nor is it tough. This is a feature not a bug, as due to this nature there are many other perks. Its deeply sensitive and easily transformed nature gives me an edge in understanding abstract concepts and even progress on the spiritual path. For that I am ever grateful, but to achieve more Orange goals and grow in that aspect of my life, I need to develop a rock solid mind capable of zeroing into tasks and ignore pain. One can find something to complain about in any setting and there are a million reasons to not do any particular thing, in such a world swarming with the bees of excuses constantly stinging you to get up and run away from the things you want to do, it becomes ever more important to have a tough mind that can push through. In this light, SDS seems like the perfect practice. I am aware it's not the ultimate solution but it seems like a very powerful practice in my particular case. I don't have the type of mind that can withstand temptations for very long. I am mentally stable and am not diagnosed with any conditions, but I always feel I am on the very edge of crossing over. With this in mind, the qualities that SDS develops in one is of utmost importance to me, but might not be for you.

HARVEST #1 : Failure. I couldn't pass the exams. :: The reason for not making this harvest are the multitude of problems I highlighted in the Seed. But, I have improved, I will give these exams again in May and am studying day and night for such. I have been on track for a few days now. I have not been able to follow the above mentioned goals in the seed consistently, but in my effort to do so, I have landed in a much better place than I was before. Even though this harvest failed, I was still able to get a lot out of it. I learned lessons that will help me pass these exams in May. While I am constantly working on passing my exams in May, a lot needs to be fixed to ensure my success. For that reason, I will sow seeds in this journal to tackle these problems head on. As it stands now, my studying starts at 7AM and ends at 6PM, after which I am free to do other things. In this time, I aim to experiment and try new things according to my theories of how to better myself, to aid the overarching goal of becoming the perfect student. The course I am tackling is the Chartered Accountancy course from India, it's famous for being extremely hard to pass all the way through. Look up how it's structured. I am currently giving the Intermediate Exams, trying to pass the two groups consisting of three papers each. This course requires one to become highly strategic in their studying on top of becoming someone who is willing to work hard. For every 100,000 kids who enter this course, only around 250+ come out as CAs. I love this course and aim to finish it.

You can see it in physical buildings too, at some point you'll need to have a stronger foundation if you want to build higher.

I understand your point and it's honestly better to not do anything else while eating. But those who are not ready to make the switch will watch something regardless, in that case, it'll be good to have better content to watch than TikTok.

Post videos here that you would watch while eating. Videos that are comforting, or videos that you get excited to watch. Point of this thread is so that anyone who's bored can browse this thread to watch something while eating!

Over the course of this year I have become increasingly more aware of the evil within me. To me it's terrifying. Earlier, it confused me how such terrible acts could be committed by people to other people, but now I completely get it. Evil is a dead-end path towards God in the sense that you'll eventually have to face the evil and revert to unity. The Evil-Doers are children who know not what they are doing. They think they know and they think they're in clarity, but it wouldn't be true ignorance otherwise. Others are the same children just constrained with rules and mental walls. Break them down and they'll commit the same acts they condemned and none of them will feel any guilt. This is not a negative view of the world, this is a positive one. This is an opportunity in the sense that one can mature by realizing the nature of their evil within and healing it truly, rather than suppressing it. The darkness within each one of us can be filled with light, like slowly lighting up a dark house, by recognizing one's own evil without guilt, accepting it and letting it go. Choosing to do good and love through one's own conscious will, not because of the fear you hold of your own evil. Most people fear evil and that's the only reason they're good. Your post felt like a direct message to me from reality that it's time to let the evil go. It might be a slow process or a fast one to do so, but I thank you for writing this post.

Authenticity is the most important thing one needs to be working on RIGHT NOW. Why? To put it simply, if you're trying to embody an archetype, a particular person or acting out behaviors then you are setting yourself up for hardships. Being you necessarily invites personal problems, but if you don't deal with that you don't grow as fast. You can keep acting out templates and things that work but it's not really you. You'll cross problems in life and get ahead but somewhere along the path you'll be in so deep you're real self won't be able to handle your baseline. It'll be hard to be yourself then. You'll be stuck in a shell of someone you have built up in other's eyes, and it'll take a real hard hitter to break that. Being authentic is all about feeling into your body and asking yourself, who is caspex? Replace that with your name. It's about letting go of fear regarding yourself and if you can't do that just yet, then it's about spending time with yourself everyday until you feel comfortable enough to let it out. A lot of people reading this right now might feel "Of course, I am my real self right now!" No you're not! Try replying to this post and observe who you become when you type on this forum. Then pay a visit to your mom, or your friends, and observe who you become there. They are all shells. It's an effective survival strategy, but it's not you. On one hand you want to be unique but on the other hand you'd rather cosplay common social shells? This little understanding seems simple but if you have not mastered this yet you're impairing your spiritual growth.

Seed #1 I am tired of this powerlessness I feel towards my own actions. I cannot control what I sense, think and do. It's time for change. Here's what I want: : Pass my upcoming exam; :: It's within 20 days from now. It's a tough one and mentally I had given up. Despite having time and a full fledged plan, I gave up because I thought I could not. I faced a little failure and stopped. There are also a variety of other reasons that effected my mental focus. To give you an example, being sleep deprived throughout the day is literally like being hit on the head. You cannot learn as effectively and your problem-solving is in the dumps. Sleep is, very, very important. My diet consists of a lot of sugar and caffeine on top of normal healthy food. My mental diet consists of short-form content and porn. I had really let myself go this time. As of writing this post, I am at an all time low, but not for long. Here's what we'll do: 1 - Prioritize sleep, even if it means not being able to finish your daily tasks. Let's keep it simple. Sleep on time, wake up on time. Sleeping on time is much more of a mental game than it seems. You need to get in the mood at least an hour before your actual bed time. I'll start winding down and keep away from anything stimulating for any of my senses. 2 - Lessen the Junk. I have tried before and I cannot go cold turkey on junk food; especially sugary drinks with caffeine in it. Reason? I like the energy boost it gives me because usually I would be feeling quite tired. So, no more solid junk food, only sugary drinks. One 750ml bottle per day will be the maximum (I am used to drinking 5 of these on a bad day) and only before 2PM. If I feel hungry, I'll cook something at home, but no sugar or caffeine after 2PM at all. 3 - No Porn. If I have to masturbate it'll be using my imagination and if I can't then I guess I won't. Once daily at evening is the maximum. 4 - Try For More Conscious Digital Consumption - No rules for content consumption as of now. 5 - Study the bare minimum - Seems lazy but it's not. After countless trial and error, the best approach for me is to start by learning the bare minimum to be able to pass the exams, then keep learning/practicing a bit more in order of priority. # - A recurring pattern is that when I face failure such as not being able to sleep on time, I give up entirely and go back to living the bare minimum. To become the Architect and build a better life, I need to embody those qualities and persist. I am expecting to fail soon and am eagerly anticipating it. I am not going to make any other goals in this period. I am not even going to think about doing other stuff or trying anything out. Until it's fruition, this will be my sole goal. I will not provide updates regarding the above goals. This journal will only be about creation. For that reason, the harvest will come after the fruition of the goal, see you after 2025.01.15