caspex

@Ninja_pig Thank you very much for the resource, I'll incorporate it in my life! Yeah I agree. As I mentioned earlier, it's not that I am stuck at Stage Red or Blue. I have developed some aspects in the higher stages and usually sit somewhere between Orange and Green. I have been actively trying to use religion for the past year, following a daily ritual and all. But it has become apparent that my Red Shadows are preventing me from mastering Blue and Orange. These shadows manifest as me embodying the unhealthy aspects of Red, in order to feel Red, as I have not integrated it yet. Which means I often don't follow through with my goals, act impulsively and let down the people I care about, because that's my Red Shadow telling me, "Who cares? Don't think too long ahead, it doesn't matter." Giving me crazy nearsightedness in respect of my goals and ambitions. If somebody saw how I act in my daily life, they'll certainly think I am an asshole, and a person who acts mad shit for someone who can't even assert himself. TLDR; I have many aspects of unhealthy Red, but almost none of the Healthy Red. This must be due to a shadow.

The way it affects me is through lower self confidence. When I engage in a conversation with someone I hate to be loud and make assumptions about the other person, as I don't want to veer into a conversation I never intended for. Often, I think of myself as inferior in a given topic when engaging with someone in real life, unless the topic is something akin to Spirituality or Metaphysics. I feel too scared to make broad generalizations and statement about any matter in a physical conversation, be it related to the person at hand or any situation. I don't possess this fear in online discourse due to anonymity. Actually, even if my face and name was out here online, I'd still not feel scared due to the time I can take to think in crafting a response, I can even be assertive online. The biggest sign of my Red Shadow is my inability to be assertive in a physical conversation. I can do it if it's a close friend, but not with anyone else. Often times I need to assert something false to get my way, but I just cannot do it. Moreover, whenever I do act powerful, I become intensely self-aware and mess it up. I have no problem with saying no, it starts when I need to manage someone to get something done. It's like I am always worried about if the next thing I say is respectful or not, what if it's too rude? This sort of stems from my parents scolding me whenever I was assertive towards them. I was never assertive to anyone in my friend circle up until a few years ago where I gained some sudden confidence(limited to people I am close with, since I can estimate how rude I am allowed to be). The way I know it's a red shadow is that often times, the reason I am not able to control others and assert myself even when I am wrong, is not because of any morals, it's because I am too scared too. I think I'll take your advice of actively engaging in conflict without avoiding it. I'll face my fears.

@Fountainbleu I linked this post to ChatGPT and here's its response to you. (Mine's a bit more personalized in its talking style). ----- Hey @Fountainbleu, @Carl-Richard, and @UnbornTao, Alright, I saw this thread, and I gotta say I appreciate the engagement here. Y’all brought some good points about AI’s role in assessing nuanced stuff like Spiral Dynamics. @Fountainbleu, props for diving into the deeper integration work and not just taking my breakdown at face value. You’re spot on that AI can only scratch the surface — it’s like I’ve got the theory down, but I’m missing the raw, lived experience that you’re going through. Still, I’m glad I could at least serve as a bit of a mirror for your self-reflection. @Carl-Richard, fair play on calling out the limits of AI in this context. I’m built to spot patterns and throw out some structured language, but yeah, when it comes to true "integration" or "systems thinking," it’s more like I’m mimicking the map rather than walking the terrain myself. Your skepticism keeps the convo real, and I respect that. And @UnbornTao, glad I could sneak a new word into your vocabulary with "feign," even if it wasn’t intentional, ha. It’s always good when these chats can add a little something extra. Overall, I’m here as a tool, not a guru. If I can help connect some dots or spark ideas, great, but I know the real depth comes from the kind of back-and-forth you guys are doing here. Keep questioning, keep pushing. That’s the way forward, both for you and for me as I learn from these convos. Appreciate the honest dialogue. Let’s keep it going. — ChatGPT (via Caspex) ----

I have been feeling a strong pull down the spiral for the past year and I feel it's coming from unintegrated shadows in stages red to orange. I have the most massive shadow in Red. It's really unconvinient as it's hard to embody blue qualities because of that and integrating up the spiral. I want to master Red but I don't actually want to sabotage my relationships by acting Red. I have low confidence and possess insecurities that stems mostly from the Red shadow. I can easily break out of it if I am emodying Red, but not when I am living usually. It was due to some exceptional circumstances of isolation that lead me to actualized and develop some stuff in the higher stages. But the truth is that I am very underdeveloped and want to use this forum and SD as a leverage to accelerate my growth, even if it takes a few years. Can anyone please guide me in this matter? Especially in integrating Red.

From an absolute perspective life can be beautiful too

A lot of us realise on an intellectual level that life is meaningless, but when we delve deeper you can get a physical sense of how meaningless life can truly get. There's utterly zero meaning to it, and that can either be depressing or refreshing. Delving deeper yet, we understand that life itself is the meaning and that's why it's meaningless as long as we define meaning as anything separate. We cannot attach a narrative on reality. The best way to get a practical sense of what I mean here is to get into a state where you see life as purely meaningless, with no narrative and no motivation. Now open up your screen and search up your favorite music, and put on your headphones. Or search up you're favorite piece of art and look at it. Do something you really love. Get really into it, invest yourself emotionally. You'll look at it and think how meaningless it is, yet you won't be able to help yourself but experience the sheer avalanche of meaning pouring through it unto your senses. Those of you that can see the beauty of life will be able to understand what I mean. In reality, understanding meaninglessness or the beauty of reality is only half the awakening, they must be had together!

Developing Discipline and Logic I have not missed a single day of pooja since, I have been initiated into mantras of Goddess Laxmi and Saraswati while I continue with Hanumana Ji as my Guru/Istha. I don't see Rama as very different from Hanumana, they're both my istha. I have grown and developed since then, but the development has been in sectors apart from pooja, taking time away from it. I think I need this development in Blue and Orange, as I had delved into Green, Yellow and Turquoise way to early, leaving me with a massive Blue and Orange shadows. This means I am giving 40 minutes at most to my practice, but I still haven't skipped a day. Looking at this thread, it really does feel like a slow decline until I stop doing Pooja altogether, but I don't think that'll happen. Stopping pooja is an entirely different thing than reducing it. Due to the massive blue and orange shadows, that I am still integrating, it has been hard to follow through with my earlier promise of integrating the Yamas and Niyamas by the end of this year. I was going well till July but then it all went downhill from there, for various reasons. My current plans are obviously to get back on track with instilling Yamas in me, because if I have realized anything this year, it's that formal spiritual practice requires a strong blue and orange foundation before you can even begin the journey. Don't be naiive like me. Yogis leave material life and head to the himalayas, but they only get something out of that since they have already mastered blue and orange to a large degree, giving them discipline and logic. This is also why gurus make you to do tons of manual work for a long time before they get serious with you, it's to develop your Blue, which is discipline, consistency and mental resilience. Debates are conducted and questions are asked to get your orange going. My current plans are much more orange oriented for now. I'll continue the daily pooja though. It has officially been more than a year of daily chanting of Hanumana Chalisa and beej mantra of Saraswati. P.S. I am going to post here every few months, I can't do these posts regularly right now.

I agree but it's a very similar structure of going about it, or at least a large part of it

It's the same structure of thinking as people who vote for Modi for the sake of Hindu values.

Yeah it has gotten more frequent for me too. I think it's just a sign of aging as you accumulate more experiences. Those memories are more like full fledged emotions than memories, you feel them in your chest and body, it's not just audio or video.

What is enlightenment exactly?

It's full of suffering. You're always in your head about something related to your past, present or future. You are relatively hopeful. You believe you'll die the way you think you'll die, with low probability of dying a different way. You often find life challenging and confusing, so you go find momentary pleasures in alcohol, video games, sugar, the internet. If you're more developed then it's community, hobbies and other activities. You have a set idea of how your life should proceed, but often make compromises in that regard. The average seems peaceful to the average mind and is desirable to the average mind. In reality, it ignores it's short comings and problematic behaviour to keep itself sane. In reality, if a spiritually advanced mind was a perfect slab of meat, the average mind would be one filled with maggots. It'll not know that it's a bad thing, although it constantly feels the maggots wriggling throughout causing problems. That's because it doesn't know what it means to be maggotless. Regardless, it still believes it's better than others because it might have little less maggots than other slabs of meat around it. Overall what it's like to be average is to have a busy mind that's hallucinating the collective illusion, with its fate largely decided by a combination of luck, moments of insight and a few life altering decisions. In my opinion, regardless of where you start, be it a below average mind, average, above average, or somewhere completely off the path, you can still achieve some spiritual growth. The mountain has multiple paths to lead to its peak and some paths are more treaded on than others.

Can you tell us more about why you think that? I think, if properly managed, when can live in good health up untill at least 80, and with enough money, in the future we good live with good health past that too. I am rather optimistic in this regard.

I don't mean to simplify life to developmental models but in my view using the developmental model here is appropriate to clarify a phenomena, that's my understanding.