mandyjw

@Serotoninluv

@thesmileyone Thank you. But my IQ/education really is not all that good. I'll look up merkabah. I feel like I'm playing a really intense game of catch up right now. I'll take all the help I can get.

Sorry, I'm kind of simple-minded and need things stated simply.

The scenic route is great, just try not to have so many thoughts about all the beauty you're seeing. "Everybody on earth knowing that beauty is beautiful makes ugliness." That was a hard one for me to accept. I still call things beautiful, but I have to be careful how I do it. https://astudygroup.files.wordpress.com/2017/07/lao-tzu_-tao-te-ching_-a-book-a-ursula-k-le-guin.pdf?fbclid=IwAR2qkk6UkEECiBdIQkO0TSszmual98uvYti43PkkvZkQmIz7z1yzEBOvEd8

@Colin

@Serotoninluv People don't want to go to a doctor and be seen as an illness or a problem. They want to be seen as a whole person.

@Nahm I had a dental cleaning recently. God, it felt like heaven. Laying back able to relax and not having to jump up every 2 minutes to deal with some little tantrum or disaster.

I wore a dress, red lipstick and clamming much boots today. That felt authentic.

Maybe he really though he knew me? You want me to dress sexy to go to Walmart? My husband hates me to shop for clothes, hates the idea of makeup. Around here clothes that aren't stained is dressing up. If you wear makeup and nice clothes people think you are a goddess and women think you are a snob and HATE you. Its never been worth it to me.

@FoxFoxFox Yes.

Yes, I always avoided such situations by dressing like a slob putting my head down and avoiding eye contact.

@FoxFoxFox I am it. But I can still forget. When I forget, that's ego. Ego is an illusion created when you forget who you are. All that really changed is the intensity with which I am it and the amount of time I am. But I still definitely fall back into my old self sometimes. It would be really dangerous for me and everyone around me if I couldn't separate the two.

It's not really all that interesting. So I always try to get a business expense when I go get groceries so I can write my mileage down and take it off my taxes. Sneaky. Whatever. So I decided to look for a better tripod for my phone since I can use it to make beadmaking videos anyway. An employee around my age with bright red hair asked if I need help in electronics, so I ask if they have tripods. He asks me why I need it and I say for youtube videos, and he asked what I make them about so I just said "spirituality." His reaction was really uncomfortable but a minute later he made a big effort to make up for his reaction and said "no, that's really cool." So we talk about the tripods and I decide to look online and thank him and he won't let me go. He says "You're not from here, are you." and I said I was and told him where I live. And he tried to tell me someone he knew and I didn't know them and he kept saying that I looked familiar and thought he knew me. He introduced himself and held out his hand and said his name and I shook his hand told him mine. Still won't let me go. He's just starring into my eyes. I know what he's going to ask next and realize I'm not wearing my wedding ring so I more forcefully end the conversation and thank him for his help. he yells after me "Sorry, I didn't mean to make that awkward I just really thought I knew you."

@FoxFoxFox I still feel the same way I guess. Nothing is what I expected it to be. I still have an ego and still battle with self interest. I still have knowledge and desires in life but they are no longer my own. They seem more like a gift rather than a transgression or a desire that comes out of lack. I still have a certain perspective, and only by 100% owning my perspective and limitations, being too heart led and not very smart, etc, I have found out how to look to others for what I do not have. And they give it freely. Because they are me. It's not wrong for me to eat, to destroy things to live because nothing can ever be destroyed. It's not wrong for me to want to build, to want to acquire, because the time will come when I've built will satisfy the law of entropy. it's all perfect. It's all beautiful. I've been put in my place. I've been constrained and limited. I accepted it. It feels like freedom. It's all done out of love. I'm listening to Leo's new video right now. He said that people don't want to go down the rabbit hole. They don't want to have the boundary between their inner mind and outer world fall apart. That's what it feels like has happened to me. Everything is true in the moment. It's not what I thought it would be when i did this work. it's more like one of my childhood fantasies come to life. Only now i'm an adult and it's terrifying until I remember to quiet my mind.

Aakash, I didn't raise you to be the type of person who FLOUNCES.

Same to you honey.

Every moment of everyday. You can go barf now, it's ok, I'll be grateful for that too.

Being a complete slob is really enjoyable too though. I enjoy being a chameleon best of all.

You are right, but we don't disagree. It's just another way to say the same thing. My favorite teacher I got too attached to was Eckhart Tolle. I thought Osho was possessed. Opening my mind up to Osho teaching something different but also necessary, another way to say the same thing... that changed everything. I didn't have to listen for hours upon hours to get the message, I got the message like a knife to the heart. Eckhart's message felt like hours/years of sitting out in the sun, feeling its warmth. It was lovely and I thought it was everything but it wasn't. It wasn't enough. I was attached.

@FoxFoxFox Another trick is looking at the ideas that don't resonate with you with an open mind. That nauseous feeling you get when you do it is your ego slowly dying.

@tsuki That's exactly what I've been realizing before and after this whole thing. You should have seen what I accidentally did to this poor guy in Walmart the other day. I still feel bad but slightly amused it happened. I've identified my problem, if you think you can help me come on over to my journal.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NVRCyELQnSw

The mind can never understand anything else either. It's fun to try though, isn't it?