Chimera

@OctagonOctopus I search non-stop in my head for an anwser to somehow prove myself that those problems are illusion with spirituality and I should't worry about them. Sadly, this overthinking does not make those problem go away, I do not ''raise'' over anything. In truth, I seek to escape my problems by telling myself ''my reality is an illusion''. @Leo Gura Yes!! I can see that now. You can't just read and search how the ego works to transcend it. I need to LIVE it in order to really understand.

I watched Leo's video a while back about ego development stages. I think it's great and I can easily identify my thought patterns by how much my ego is involved in it as well as understanding how others see their life. I do sometimes watch them again, and one thing Leo mentions in his second video I think is ''not skipping steps'' of ego development, you need to go through the ''lower'' stages before understanding the higher ones. I think I am guilty of trying it. What I mean is I have several issues in my life from the ''material paradigm'' (friendship and love stuff), and I unconsciously think if I understood once and for all that reality is all concept and shapes imagined by ''self'', I could somehow transcend those problems. I wouldn't be afraid of showing myself to others since the only thing I am trying to protect by being scared is my ego:something that doesn't exist. Maybe I should ''act'' in the ''material world'' before trying to understand the fabric of reality. No ''survival'' problems means I can better focus on just ''being''. Because I have trapped myself in a never ending cycle of overthinking for several years now on trying to solve my problems by ''rising my consciousness above those puny problems''. I escape my problems and myself by doing so.

@Hugo Oliveira I read through half of the book and I'm speechless... This book is fantastic!!! I cried about three times while reading it lol!! You must be a wizard for knowing exactly what I needed

@Nyseto Hahahaha

Often during meditation, I get highly sexually aroused and I don't know why. No physical stimulation, no dirty thoughts... but I feel like if I could orgasm with enough concentration and willpower. I do have strong waves of energy traveling through my body when this happens, I even have some spasms when this happens. Is this what is called the kundalini energy at the base of the spine? I read it was closely liked to sexual energy... or does the kundalini even exist? Just wondering if I was the only one experiencing this or if someone knows what is that all about.

@Moon

I guess I'll work on myself, and stop trying to win everyone's love. Then, true relationships will come through... The core problem here is probably that I hate myself, and I haven't figured out the way to change it yet.

Is self esteem the cure to this feeling of loneliness?

@Etherial Cat thank you for taking the time to answer me! It's helping me a lot right now

@BornToBoil I sure hope so...nice reference @Etherial Cat I came to this realization at the start of the year, It sucks and it really hurts. I guess I'm getting impatient to see changes. I do listen to a lot of self improvement videos like Leo's. I do read a lot as well, I gave the law of attraction another chance by buying one of Abraham Hicks books yesterday. Meditation is still tough. I tend to get lost in my thoughts instead of letting them go, and it does the exact opposite of what it's supposed to do: I get attached to thoughts and get stressed up. I Do up to one hour sessions, sometimes more than once a day when I got time.

This is a follow-up of a post i created several weeks before… I need to write this to get it out of my system, since i have no one to say it to. This is the most real, authentic thoughts i have, and it’s been a long time since someone has seen me like this. I realized that 98% of all my relationships, my friendships, my romantic ones and even family, comes from a space of survival, and not from a space of enjoyment. I felt the need to develop relationships with others in order not to be alone, not because i actually enjoyed spending time with those people. I felt so inadequate, so scared, like something is wrong with me if i am not loved by everyone around me. I felt wrong to be alone. Hell, i’m not even authentic with almost everyone. I feel the need to constantly hide myself to others, because i believe that i am not someone nice to be with. How could i attract people who i feel genuinely close to if i am not myself??? My relationships are almost all fake. And now that i need others more than ever in my life… I have no one. Life is so beautiful, so magic, so full of joy… so much is possible, and there is so much i want to do!! And i want to share it with others! I want to be close to someone, have a close, meaningful relationship!! Fuck, i even have a bestfriend who i not interested to talking to or haging out with! I feel even distant from my bestfriend! As i am writing this, i feel deep, deep anger, and deep pain. So much thoughts, so much energy poured into the idea of ‘’I need friends, I need a lover’’… for nothing.. So much energy into changing myself to someone decent, soft, quiet, timid, shy in order to be loved… I am seen as someone cute, soft, vulnerable, almost child-like. (Hell… some ‘’friends’’ of mine like to pinch my cheeks like a toddler… how insulting!!) I am actually someone confident, strong, passionate, goofy, someone with strong opinions and points of views, not afraid to tell someone they are wrong or that they are a piece of shit. I am crude, mean, I swear like a sailor, i like going out and getting wasted, smoking weed, i love being fucked! I am a fiery person, i actually feel there is a fire inside of me just waiting to be put into the world, but i am seen as an child-like person. It hurts because i am not seen for who i am. And when i see people who i legit want to hang out with, or even want a romantic relationship with, we ‘’are too different’’. No! We are the same! You’re just seeing the child-like side of me! It fucking hurts not being able to bond with peoples you actually want to be friends with. I’m stuck with shitty, two-faced, immature, weeaboo friends who i have no interest to hanging out with. I am being a bitch, but fuck it! I am mad at the whole universe! Why did i do this to myself! I’m in my mid 20’s, and i do feel like it’s too late for me to meet peoples who i can be myself with. I do fear i will never have a meaningful relationship where i can be myself. I fear i will live the rest of my life without sharing the joy of being into this world with at least someone else.

@Moksha

I just anwsered my own question actually: why should I stick to something that makes me sad and miserable? Time to move on...XD

Can I manifest one person to fall in love with me with a dreamboard? Is it possible? Or shouldn't I? Should I just move on? Is it only giving me hopes for a relationship that can't happen? I rather feel right now that I am enabling myself to experience a new relationship with someone who I could be happier with, someone which doesn't exist in my reality as of now.

@SamueLSD Thanks! Wow! I just saw Leo released a video on the same subject! That's amazing