Chimera

Often during meditation, I get highly sexually aroused and I don't know why. No physical stimulation, no dirty thoughts... but I feel like if I could orgasm with enough concentration and willpower. I do have strong waves of energy traveling through my body when this happens, I even have some spasms when this happens. Is this what is called the kundalini energy at the base of the spine? I read it was closely liked to sexual energy... or does the kundalini even exist? Just wondering if I was the only one experiencing this or if someone knows what is that all about.

I watched Leo's video a while back about ego development stages. I think it's great and I can easily identify my thought patterns by how much my ego is involved in it as well as understanding how others see their life. I do sometimes watch them again, and one thing Leo mentions in his second video I think is ''not skipping steps'' of ego development, you need to go through the ''lower'' stages before understanding the higher ones. I think I am guilty of trying it. What I mean is I have several issues in my life from the ''material paradigm'' (friendship and love stuff), and I unconsciously think if I understood once and for all that reality is all concept and shapes imagined by ''self'', I could somehow transcend those problems. I wouldn't be afraid of showing myself to others since the only thing I am trying to protect by being scared is my ego:something that doesn't exist. Maybe I should ''act'' in the ''material world'' before trying to understand the fabric of reality. No ''survival'' problems means I can better focus on just ''being''. Because I have trapped myself in a never ending cycle of overthinking for several years now on trying to solve my problems by ''rising my consciousness above those puny problems''. I escape my problems and myself by doing so.

@OctagonOctopus I search non-stop in my head for an anwser to somehow prove myself that those problems are illusion with spirituality and I should't worry about them. Sadly, this overthinking does not make those problem go away, I do not ''raise'' over anything. In truth, I seek to escape my problems by telling myself ''my reality is an illusion''. @Leo Gura Yes!! I can see that now. You can't just read and search how the ego works to transcend it. I need to LIVE it in order to really understand.

@Hugo Oliveira I read through half of the book and I'm speechless... This book is fantastic!!! I cried about three times while reading it lol!! You must be a wizard for knowing exactly what I needed

@Nyseto Hahahaha

It's been several months since my first viewed Leo video. He wasn't the first person from which I heard or read that we are the universe/god/love, but he was the first to explain it in a way I could begin to understand what it means. But my understanding is still very limited. I do not get how we are ''god''. Sometimes I think I finally get it, but I always forget about it as I go own with my day and my responsibilities, as if I slowly come back down to earth from my little ''illumination'' cloud. If my reality, including the physical world I am in right now and which I am interacting with is only a illusion, as if it was only another layer of imagination, but more ''rigid'' than the traditional imagination we tend to think about, why can't I have control over it? If I have no control over my illusion of ''I am a human living a human life'', how is it different from being born into a physical/mechanical world with no creative power behind it, and the circumstances of our lives are pure randomness? If I am the universe and nothing exist outside of my perception, but I have no power over it, then how is it different from just being part of a world where I am separated from everything? Of course, I can influence my quality of life by making decisions and taking actions... But I have no direct control over the universe. I can't jump 10ft high, stop eating forever, modify the law of gravity, make a million dollar appear in my bank account... It doesn't matter if you are a very ego driven person living constantly in a survival mode or an illuminated saint who feels pure bliss simply by being. You are not god...I am not god/universe/divine love.

@Moon

This is a follow-up of a post i created several weeks before… I need to write this to get it out of my system, since i have no one to say it to. This is the most real, authentic thoughts i have, and it’s been a long time since someone has seen me like this. I realized that 98% of all my relationships, my friendships, my romantic ones and even family, comes from a space of survival, and not from a space of enjoyment. I felt the need to develop relationships with others in order not to be alone, not because i actually enjoyed spending time with those people. I felt so inadequate, so scared, like something is wrong with me if i am not loved by everyone around me. I felt wrong to be alone. Hell, i’m not even authentic with almost everyone. I feel the need to constantly hide myself to others, because i believe that i am not someone nice to be with. How could i attract people who i feel genuinely close to if i am not myself??? My relationships are almost all fake. And now that i need others more than ever in my life… I have no one. Life is so beautiful, so magic, so full of joy… so much is possible, and there is so much i want to do!! And i want to share it with others! I want to be close to someone, have a close, meaningful relationship!! Fuck, i even have a bestfriend who i not interested to talking to or haging out with! I feel even distant from my bestfriend! As i am writing this, i feel deep, deep anger, and deep pain. So much thoughts, so much energy poured into the idea of ‘’I need friends, I need a lover’’… for nothing.. So much energy into changing myself to someone decent, soft, quiet, timid, shy in order to be loved… I am seen as someone cute, soft, vulnerable, almost child-like. (Hell… some ‘’friends’’ of mine like to pinch my cheeks like a toddler… how insulting!!) I am actually someone confident, strong, passionate, goofy, someone with strong opinions and points of views, not afraid to tell someone they are wrong or that they are a piece of shit. I am crude, mean, I swear like a sailor, i like going out and getting wasted, smoking weed, i love being fucked! I am a fiery person, i actually feel there is a fire inside of me just waiting to be put into the world, but i am seen as an child-like person. It hurts because i am not seen for who i am. And when i see people who i legit want to hang out with, or even want a romantic relationship with, we ‘’are too different’’. No! We are the same! You’re just seeing the child-like side of me! It fucking hurts not being able to bond with peoples you actually want to be friends with. I’m stuck with shitty, two-faced, immature, weeaboo friends who i have no interest to hanging out with. I am being a bitch, but fuck it! I am mad at the whole universe! Why did i do this to myself! I’m in my mid 20’s, and i do feel like it’s too late for me to meet peoples who i can be myself with. I do fear i will never have a meaningful relationship where i can be myself. I fear i will live the rest of my life without sharing the joy of being into this world with at least someone else.

I guess I'll work on myself, and stop trying to win everyone's love. Then, true relationships will come through... The core problem here is probably that I hate myself, and I haven't figured out the way to change it yet.

Is self esteem the cure to this feeling of loneliness?

@Etherial Cat thank you for taking the time to answer me! It's helping me a lot right now

@BornToBoil I sure hope so...nice reference @Etherial Cat I came to this realization at the start of the year, It sucks and it really hurts. I guess I'm getting impatient to see changes. I do listen to a lot of self improvement videos like Leo's. I do read a lot as well, I gave the law of attraction another chance by buying one of Abraham Hicks books yesterday. Meditation is still tough. I tend to get lost in my thoughts instead of letting them go, and it does the exact opposite of what it's supposed to do: I get attached to thoughts and get stressed up. I Do up to one hour sessions, sometimes more than once a day when I got time.

@Moksha

I just anwsered my own question actually: why should I stick to something that makes me sad and miserable? Time to move on...XD

Can I manifest one person to fall in love with me with a dreamboard? Is it possible? Or shouldn't I? Should I just move on? Is it only giving me hopes for a relationship that can't happen? I rather feel right now that I am enabling myself to experience a new relationship with someone who I could be happier with, someone which doesn't exist in my reality as of now.

@SamueLSD Thanks! Wow! I just saw Leo released a video on the same subject! That's amazing

I would rather live knowing the truth, no matter if it's magic or a nightmare.

@SamueLSD What are these fundamentals? Meditation and practicing consciousness?

@Leo Gura I would like to, but I don't really know where to find those. I don't have contacts with anyone who could have some. @Blackhawk

@The0Self @aurum @lmfao @SamueLSD Ok... so i am not my human identity (ego), but someone/something which is imagining right now being a human in a world limited by seemingly physical law and life circumstances. I do grasp this idea. But are you guys happy knowing that? I mean, even if you live your life with this ideology, you will still one day or another suffer physically, mentally and/or emotionally. You do still have an identity to take care of (protecting yourself from danger, making sure all your needs are fulfilled, knowing and loving yourself) and other responsibilities. You still have to play the game you imposed yourself until you die...

Just giving examples to explain my point... I don't actually wish to jump 10 ft high.... but it would be awesome

Well....you get my point XD!!! I stopped believing in everything ''manifestation'' or ''law of attraction'' recently. I came to a realization that it only gave me an excuse to not act/work towards my objectives, because ''If I believe I already have it, it will come on its own!''. Very destructive state of mind. If we have a goal, we need to work to realize it and all the actions you take will help you go closer to it (self fulfilling prophesy). Way more productive and rewarding then torturing myself to try to understand why am I attracting bullshit in my life.

I have a huge core belief that in my actual ''natural'' state (no ego filters on how I should be), my quirky, non-interesting autistic ass cannot have the romantic relationships and friendships I want to have in my life. I might sound like a bitch right now, but I tend to attract boring people with low self esteem as friends and low quality romantic/sexual parters (people who doesn't respect my boundaries). I know some of you may answer my ranting by saying '' You attract people based on how you perceive yourself'', but its hard to change my beliefs when this is how I perceive my external world. I guess im lonely right now and Covid-19 makes it hard of me to meet new peoples.... Does anyone has dealt with this situation in your past? How did you change your feeling of unworthiness?

@Shin @neutralempty Hahaha! Thanks!!!

Thank you, I needed to read that right now. I ended at the start of the year a long term relationship when I realized I was settling for less. That person was a sweetheart... but very far from perfect, and I am worth so much more! And now I am discovering that I might deserve better than a whole bunch of my friends. I'm a woman and my social circle consists right now almost exclusively of mens. They are immature, and too often they have been dirty and sexual with me, even recently (like dude.... I won't describe you how my genitals looks to you, stop saying you're trying to help me). I thought I was ok with that since I am comfortable with my body and am myself a sexual person, but I now see it is a lack of respect from them. Each time I tried to get closer to one of them as a friend, they make moves or want to sleep with me, and trow me away when I just want to be friends. I assume everyone around me is well intentioned, but they are not.