PurpleTree

Thanks for your post yea i look at it from at least two angles. one angle is the kind of let go and let god, everything is already perfect. This is how it’s supposed to be, nothing to seek or heal kind of thing. And the other angle is i’m still in ego, this shame block is unnecessary and so frustrating. Hot chicks are into me and i get blocked wtf. And there are things i can try more like somatic work, more psychedelics, more yoga, shadow work, inner child work, ask dumb questions on the forum etc etc etc etc etc etc No i just turned my head when they walked closer to me and walked away feeling the shame trying not to think, trying to fully accept the shame the thing is i can’t smile nor talk basically when i’min this “ptsd shame block” a cocky smile and cool sentence in this situation is impossible

Yea not so much now as i‘m doing inner consciousness work etc whatever and trying to be present but i would often be in lala land very much and deep as a child und untill whenever also i have high expectations of myself and others, i think it‘s a bit softening too but many triggers i can‘t escape

Yea always been „creative“ and was an only child so had lots of time to be in my mind i mean less so now because i‘m trying to be with what is and less in fantasy

I also feel shame then i‘m also often bad at getting compliments, for example a chick told me i’m attractive lately but it just kind of makes me cringe, or if a guy tells me how much he likes me but it‘s the worst/strongest with beautiful women.

The thing is i am often grounded in my body. I often feel a deep peace etc etc but then this is just such a strong trigger that i shut down and i am not exactly sure why. Seems like some ptsd stuff but i‘m not sure what the causing underlying belief is, it‘s very hard to untangle.

The universe created itself to explore itself and „see what happens“ maybe

So i guess seeking comes from trying to fulfill a need, conscioussly or unconsciously. So some people stuff their face with food etc because they are trying to fullfil another need that they don‘t know or don‘t know how to adress. Me coming from an unstable home blabla where many times i felt abandoned or rejected. I have a „need“ and seek out to be loved by everybody and not get rejected or abandoned. Which is impossible so my ego became disfunctional.

what are you seeking for? what you‘re looking for is what is looking.

That‘s beautiful ?also your dream „losing“ my mother is probably my biggest fear even though we often have a difficult relationship. Even had an argument yesterday but i‘m thankful i got to hug her when i left ?

What is there to seek honestly this is already it ?

Even this forum i refresh ALot of times, probably thinking i will find something interesting or a gold nugget. But 99.999% it‘s just uninteresting noise. Not sure why my brain doesn‘t learn that and stops refreshing.

Also hope is a type of seeking

Will the seeking/resisting energy exhaust itself or is there a way to speed the process up?

For example i am often looking at different websites, reddit, dating apps, nonduality videos, Ukraine videos and go back and forth etc etc i‘m not really sure what i‘m seeking or trying to avoid, i guess just trying to avoid boredom or trying to find „something better“

Just came back from 6 months ? i think 6 months is enough for me though, i‘ve done it like 3 times

Sorry to hear that ?

Drink apple cider vinegar 20 minutes before you eat.

How do you microdose ayahuasca?

It‘s not just that this is just a thought it‘s that basically everything always has just been a thought

Do you love your face? I have a weird relationship with my face, i already knew it but it showed me clearer on a trip. There’s a part of me which doesn’t accept nor love my face really. Another part of me loves it. I even get compliments, some hot girls really stare at me. And turn their heads. A girl once stopped and told me how attractive i am. What exactly is the issue i think ( it’s hard to know because it’s so old and ingrained) i look great from certain angles or when passing by. But my fear is ( i guess) that if people look at me for a longer time, they’ll see all my flaws and dislike me. Also i think my head it too big for my body. On the trip i got the urge to stare at me in th mirror untill i love myself which i did but i haven’t let go of it. it’s really hard to do anything if you don’t love your face fully. Like dating, interviews i have a big fear of zoom calls with many people or taking pictures with people which i look bad in and which will stay on the internet. it’s the control freak (ego) i guess which want to control peoples perception of me. Sometimes i try to get a good picture of me which can take a 100 tries. today i was walking on the street in the busy center while looking at people and asking myself. What about my face don’t i love/accept. What about my face keeps me unfree/constricted? i’m 38 and have a younger looking face, i think with the right beard i look good, without it i look childish. People sometimes called me milkface when i was young. Because i have a rather soft pale face. Thoughts on how best to get over that?

Thanks. Yours is great too

reading all these useless thoughts is exhausting women want someone who makes more money than their boss teal swan thinks demons are real ? it‘s just noise

Why don‘t you like my face? Am i really that ugly? It‘s bad i know. Noooo don‘t look at me ?