misko55

I envy the fool, people that accept the societies rules , abide them and worst of all , defend them.Fools who believe that things don't change. But things DO change its just they don't want to change , because change is hard and we love our little routines , comfort. I wish I was them , because ignorance is bliss.This waking up is hard ,painful.You dont belong anywhere , you are just a looney toon that watched one episode of X-files to many and we are "special" at best.Just some guy that girls find fascinating and interesting until they find out that ideals don't pay the bills. So we all stumble. Them with their drained souls , empty eyes and postpound dreams and us. Afraid ,alone , disconnected and afraid for our futures. I can't stand a job.I'd rather hang myself than spend another minute in an office.I'm just having a break and everybody is just staring at their smartphones ,just occasionally throwing a look at me as I write this , like "this guy is crazy , what is he writing? Why isn't he looking at his phone! We just no longer accept any other type of normal then the one media present us. But my normal is not their normal , they dont understand me , but I understand them , I use to be them! I still am , because its not us and them its just US ,them is a concept created by politicians to divide us and easily conquered us. The thing is ,I want to see the sun go up , I want to dance in the rain and experience it ,I want to travel and share that with someone .I want to love! The real love , where I don't belong to her and she doesn't belong to me , but we are free together.And I want to write about it as I experience it , I want to inspire others to wake up , but not like I did ,or the others like me. I experienced the pain and that's why I don't want anybody to experience it , I want others to wake up in a beautiful world made by You and me. The outcasts , the dreamers , the believers. i can't change the world ,I can only change myself and make decisions that could set other people on a different path , better path.So that's what I'm going to do.Im gonna write! 10 years of people telling me that they would read if I would write."But there is no money in it" I was telling to myself , actually being more afraid of "what if people don´t like it" so I never did. But tell you what! F*ck the money! I want this , I´m gona do this!! So...here comes nothing,... or maybe... just maybe , here comes everything. What ever the resoult , at least I´m no longer , as Leo puts it "mentally jerking" , I´m doing this. So wish me luck ,as I wish you luck as well in Your endeavors and to anybody who read this till the end , you might agree , you might not , but thank you for reading! Best regards / Mit Freundlichen Grüßen / Srdačan pozdrav from: Leipzig , Germany 20.02.2016 Daniel

I dislike holidays, especially Christmas. After a full year, I went home for Christmas and I failed at everything. All my development ground to a halt and I feel anxious right now, so anxious that I am returning to my roots and writing here. In last 9 days, I gained 4 kg, did absolutely nothing, fought and lost in the department of downloading video games and got back to being fearful, indecisive and generally afraid if I will be ever able to have a great life. My mind is all over the place and I can´t wait for tomorrow to sit on an airplane and go back... "home". I have never felt more confused in my life like right now, feeling miserable, hopeless and beaten. How did I manage feeling like this for years, I don´t know. My parents are here, but I have not much to talk with them, my friends are here, but it is the same. This weird energy, together with me feeling guilty for feeling like this. I did write another story: https://medium.com/@danielcvjetianin/the-cramped-room-of-despair-and-a-fight-of-old-and-new-6664e324bf74 I guess I always feel like this for Christmas, watching people doing things because it is expected of them, saying things that are expected from them and I always get sucked in, but I don´t know how to behave like them, I don´t know. I also feel a bit frustrated right now. Damn, 9 days in Zagreb, 9 days home and I feel terrible. Am I addicted to change? Do I really need to do stuff to feel good, am I fooling myself? Is this self-development even working or am I living in a fairytale.

Keep up working!! If I may try to help a bit. I have kicked some addictions before. What I have found to work the best is to replace the addiction with something healthier or move slowly towards there. I used to love Coca-Cola, I switched to orange juice and those powder ones , than to water with strawberry taste or what evers and now I drink only water. And second, don't deny yourself. When you deny, you spend a lot of focus on that and you want it more. With Coca-Cola I forbide myself from buying it, if someone offered I would drink it. Today I haven´t touched it in months and it doesn´t taste too good either. I hope this can help you, experiment and find what works for you!!!

I am a rather slow person. The day I started this journal--- February the 20th 2016, was the day I decide to be a writer. I guess some of you remember my first post. A year an a half, and I am now doing it. I did tried it a few times and the moment the first obstacle showed up, I failed, I gave up and went back to dreaming. Dreaming is easy and it feels good, doing is hard and it is sometimes very frustrating. I was failing because of my psychology and now I do believe I am finally get it. Not fully, but good enough to do it this time around. The thing is everything you do is connected. And although, learning about my psychology was important, it is time to put it into action. It is time to put it into 3rd gear. I worked hard on this for the past few months and now I feel like I can finally show it to the world. I am writing, learning to write by doing and I am now posting it on-line, with a plan to do it once a week. https://medium.com/@danielcvjetianin/my-grammar-sucks-i-need-a-better-profile-picture-and-many-more-excuses-not-to-write-c1a90ec335ff If some of you could read it and even better, give me a critique or two, that would be appreciated. When I started this journal and this journey, I wanted to inspire people with my writing, but I had no clue how behind I am, how fucked up I was. Now I can finally start doing it.

I am still alive and I feel fucking amazing, I am being like a wine...everyday better and better. And it is funny how good I feel since in the last 3 months I did achieved a lot of bed results, people would call the failures and rejections, I call them resoults. Negative resoults in careers, life in general and even in that silly little thing called "love". And yet I am happy. And I am amazed with how fast I am able to bounce back from bad stuff, not only bounce back, but being happy that I did them, despite not yielding a result I wanted. Of course they are not going to get the result I want, I did spend 25 years of being a little bitch and only 2 working on my life, so it is a learning process, but I know it, I feel it, that the good times are around the corner. The fuck I am talking about, the good times are right now! This moment is absolutely amazing. I am now working on my complacency. I watched Leos videos, read books, watched other YT channels, listened to other peoples advices and I tend to agree with them, nod my head and say; "Yes, this is logical, I agree with that." and then do nothing. Even now it took me a little longer for all the things I learned from Leo, to actually get into its place, despite the fact that on the logical and emotional level I understood it on the first go...or so I thought. Anyway, I don´t know what to do with this journal and it´s purpose. I have my own personal journal and my notes that I take everyday. I want to bring value to the world and I want this journal to bring value to the world... I just haven´t, yet, figured out how to do it. Sooo, if anybody is new here and is going to read this, is in that low state of mind and is thinking should he do something like keeping a journal here and work and invest in himself... YES!!! Fucking do it, it will take weeks, months, years and the process is hard... but also beautiful. Believe in the process...love the process... process is even better than the goal, I think... or I just haven´t reached my goal to know if it is better. And on that confusing note... I am out. Have a nice day.

I am waging a war against the sweets, you know, chocolate. Funny thing, I came here to this forum and decided to read a few journals this time before writing my own. I remember when I started it last year in February, a broken and unhappy man far away from home with no friends and a job I hated so much that I was journaling everyday. And by journaling I been bitching and moaning about my hatred for my job. And here I am, making focusing on kicking eating sweets out of my life, while people here are making grand plans and doing self-development. I do German everyday, I barely watch TV anymore and video games are used to learn german and by used I mean, I play 6 hours in a week, maybe, when I get exhausted. I love my job, I really do and on the plus side it gives me time to write, and write I do. Just a day ago I have writen a short 4 pages long story withing an hours and it is not a complete piece of shit, if I may say so myself. I think its ratio is 80:20 for shit parts vs good parts. PROGRESS If I felt like this on that February evening, I would never started this journal or get into self-development. Now it is not all roses and butterflies for me, but I am making progress. I may not watch TV anymore and my gaming days are behind me, but I do watch too much Youtube and have a bad habit of eating when watching and I do have down days that make me lethargic but I always bounce back. And that is the most important thing, I am learning about myself and experimenting about what works for me and what doesn't. So before, every failure would make me run for the hill, since I am a perfectionist, but not, failure is just a note, a hint to try something different, you are close, but just make a few tweaks here and there.

I don't feel like sharing much. I have reached a moment in my life where I am content. I am content. It doesn't sound special, positive or state of mind you would be envious of. Yet, it's neutralness is quiet soothing. Imagine being happy, but not having that up and down adrenaline rush and imagine having problems, but them being more a challenge and not that burning under my ass everything is going to shit kind of problems. Imagine finding comfort in silence. Imagine not needing anybody but still want them because life is nicer with them in your life. Imagine not being hard on yourself when your body gets exhausted and you do nothing and imagine celebrating the smallest victory like you won in the game of life. All of that in the same time. Content. The word doesn´t do justice to that feeling.

I got the job that I really like. I will be starting my 3rd week tomorrow. I am a courier for DHL. It is almost a perfect job. Almost. Work starts from 16 and ends when you finish delivering, that is usually around 21. I only have around 12-20 deliveries through out the city of Leipzig and sometimes in the neighbour city of Halle.So I spend most of my time driving. I love to drive. The problem is. It is fucking far away and the bus in the evening goes every hour. I spend more time waiting then anything else. Sometimes people pick me up with them, but I have to, again, wait for them to also finish. And I hate waiting!!! So there is a solution. There is a DHL 5 minutes away from my place, but they are regular service that starts from 7 in the morning and work day last between 8-10 hours. You have to deliver around 200 delivered and you only get a few streets to do. So, basically it is. Less stress, less money, great job but long commute or more stress, more money, less job satisfaction but also less commuting. Decisions, decisions. Aside from this, I am trying to get my life back together.You know, meditate, eat healthy, work out, learn new shit, all the good stuff I have been doing, stopped doing, restarted, stopped, restarted, stopped and now again restarting. Basically, nothing new on the western front.

You know what doesn´t really work? Law of attraction!! It worked fine at the start, I got further then I expected and I got, I had it, the job I always wanted to do and now I don´t have it no more. I got stereovision, apparently I don´t see 3D and my depth perception is very bad, I can drive a truck thou, but not the bus. The worst thing about this is, that I was borderline, I am right on the border between," yes, you can drive a bus" and "no, you can´t drive a bus".It is funny, but I wish I was way down low, just bloody blind or something. This is killing me, knowing that I am so close to something I always wanted, but there is absolutely nothing I can do, I can´t teach my brain to use both eyes anymore. A bridge too far. I have turned my attention to something else, something that my friend is doing and has recommended it. Assistant for disabled people, apparently, you can do that with no school here in Germany. You work 7 days a month for 24 hours and that is it. And the money is good, Idea to be earning more money that at McDonalds while being secure and having enough free time and money to start putting ground works in my own business, doesn't sound too shabby. Now my actualization is at all time low, this has hit me hard and all the waiting made all my meditations feel like I am sitting in a fire zone, pure hell. Since I was 5 years old I wanted to drive a bus... I tried, I worked hard, I did everything right and I failed because of something that I had nothing to do with, just born this way, I guess this is not really a failure but life. It sucks and it hurt like hell, but at least I tried, I took a chance and chased my silly little dream. I guess it is time to go back to the drawing board. At least I am being good at stubbornly starting over and over again. Sometimes I do wish to just surrender to the system like most people do and go with the flow, because this is exhausting. And sometimes I write stupid shit down, life is beautiful and I will fight for it till the bitter end.

And now I am scared?? Not really scared, maybe more depressed. On the 2nd of June I passed the interview for a bus driver. It was so positive, that despite telling me that I will now in a week, I got an e-mail in less than an hour telling me how positive the whole thing was and giving a date for doctors appointment. It was early morning at 6:30 and I didn't manage to sleep before it so I got really tired there. I failed at vision test, will, not completely. I just failed that 3-D thing, I never had that before and I had eyesight problems since I was a child.(One of the reasons I didn´t try to get this job earlier!). It is a test about depth perception. They send me to an oculist here in Leipzig and they are paying for it. That whole thing happend on a Thursday a week ago and I am still waiting for Monday when I will have more info. Let´s just say, that sitting a waiting is killing me. Driving is the only "normal" job I ever wanted and I do need cash to get into the position to go for this less "normal" jobs that I want. I am usually productive until 15:00 and then it is "feierabend" I just over-eat, watch to much Youtube and worry about this. Then I don´t worry about this and go into this positive thinking, everything wll be alright and then I go back to worry. This was the only time I was actually excited for a job. All the other jobs, I had no other choice, but this time I made my own and still, I might get fucked because of something I had no choice, no saying and absolutely no responsibility about, just got born like this. And that is making me depressed right now, overthinking. On one level, I still do believe that this will play out right and I will get this job, this has to be a test, right? On the other, how fucking unfair it is, too bust your ass for 3 years, 3 years of change, 3 years of investing, 3 years of trying to put yourself into a position that you don´t ever have to do a gastronomy job that I so hate, 3 years of working towards something, 3 years of sacrifices ,3 years of learning, changing behavior and routine. I know, someone is going to say, but 3 years is nothing. Really? I have only time and that time is running out. I lost 18 years on the system that fucked me up and confused me more than it ever helped me, 5 years of recovering from that shit and figuring out what I want and 3 chasing it and here we are. Finally looking up and it could all be for nothing because I might be that 1 in 10 that doesn´t see 3D. But than again, I know I saw 3D, I have seen 3D movies, optical illusions, hell, I test this depth perception and I can see it, only literally 5 cm from my face and no further than that. And this is me in a nutshell, over analyzing, coming to conclusions, depressing myself and even close to admitting defeat because I can˝t sit still and wait. Funny thing is... I am going to get that job.

I went for a walk around the lake and ended up on a walk down the memory lane. It is done, today was my last day at McDonalds. I said goodbye like a human being should. I am thankful to that place, it prolonged my "German story" , but it was a time for a change. I feel like I don´t really have a say in anything, like this is more a movie that you get to see rolling out in front of your eyes. Last time that I quitted a job, I was afraid about everything, now I am not. It feels like nothing really matters anymore, it is hard to explain since life is so beautiful and magical but in the same time, meaningless. Jeez, I didn´t even finished my first beer.Hm, maybe I just discovered a Hemingways secret to good writing.

I want to write something here, but I don´t really know what. Since I quit my job I have slowly started to get back into the life that I want to live, who I want to be. It is hard. It is funny that writing comes so hard for me now, it is funny because this whole journal started as a small test about my writing style before become this what it is today. I have so many thoughts, but not really sure if they should be said out loud or put on a paper. Talking about my actualization maybe? Sure, that is interesting because it is going so fucking slow and I don´t feel like I moved in that department since I got hired at McDonalds. Maybe talk about how much I hate my job... yeah, that is productive and I am sure complaining about things is going to change them. 5 more times I have to go there and then it is over and then what? I am sure that some other job is just going to be a peachy. Or maybe something that I have been avoiding to put here for the last month or so. I like not 1 girl, not 2 girls, but 3 girls and the worst thing about it...I think they all like me back. I miss the good ol´times when I stood no chance and would just get rejected, those were much simpler times. I need a retreat, I really need a retreat in some small cabin in a forrest far away from everything. I think that all my senses are over stimulated, McDonalds destroyed me, my stubbornness to continue my development and ignore the growing fatigue has caused a burnout, my overthinking how to get the fuck out of their didn't help either and having 3 amazing women in my life that I really like and don´t want to hurt make my emotions go on a fucking roller coaster ride. Well, just 4 working days, 2 free days and the last day at the job on the 31st of May and then I definitely have to take care of myself, get of the net, get in the nature and vent, because I am one random incident away from blowing up and going mental. So close and yet so far away.

...there will be no 7th month! I took a moment during my work today and went to the toilet. My heart was beating like crazy, I was somewhere between wanting to throw up ,fall unconscious or just burst into tears. I splashed some water on my face, looked up in the mirror and gave myself permission to be happy, to do what my instincts are telling me to do and walk away from bad stuff. I walked into my bosses office and I quited that terrible job.just 9 more times I have to go there. I wanted to play it safe, but when one of the supervisors asked my boss what is going on ,she said "Well, we have one less problem" ("Ein Problem weniger") and in that moment I knew I made a good choice. She wasn't even interested why that hardworking, reliable motivated person has fallen into depression and looked like he could burst into tears at any given moment. In the place full of miserable people that make each other's life even more miserable... I was the problem. The one who kept quiet and always helped, the one who never made anyone feel like shit and the one who always jumps to help new people as they would scream at me not to help them. Yeah, I was the problem. But I was, I was the problem,but for myself. I guess if you listen almost every day for 6 month that you are a piece of stupid shit, I guess, you are going to believe it eventually. And so I did, and I got too afraid to go away from it, too afraid that I won´t find anything better. Of Course I am not going to find anything better while I am there! I am grateful to that place, I learned a lot. And I guess I learned that there are battles that you cannot win, but you can choose not to fight them and walk away. I knew when I took that job that 3 months is the most I can do , unfortunately I fucked up some details and had to stay longer and by the time that I had the amount of money that I wanted I became addicted to it and keep on staying just one more month. So I stayed 3 more but... ...there will be no 7th month! And tomorrow I have a job interview for that bus driving job that has been my dream job since I was 6 years old. I never chased that job, since...what are people going to say about me, I can do better then that, right? Well fuck it, I just want to be happy and I am not chasing happiness anymore. The happiness is in me, my body, my mind, they know it, I just didn´t listen to them before. I thought being recognized and looked up to is going to make me happy, this fame ego money driven bullshit that majority of people in the world believe that will make them happy, I believed it to. I don´t anymore.

It is amazing to think about who I was and who I am now, and no, I am not talking about this 2 years of self-development. I hated school, hell, I hated anything where there were more people that I was comfortable with, that means, more than just me. My anxieties, my fears, my lack of self confidence, people today wouldn't believe me, that once upon a time, that was me. Sometimes I need to remind myself how far I got because I am to concentrated on not arriving to my destination yet. That is why I have this journal. Better late than never. I started to value my time more than the money as with this month I am only a part-timer at McDonalds and I have 14 free days in this month. Two days ago they asked me if I could come to work today and I said "No!", for the first time ever I have said "No" to my employer. And speaking of McDonalds, I have finally, today, sended all of the necessary documents needed to switch my job to driving a bus and I got this beautiful feeling that my time in the 2nd circle of Dante´s hell is coming to an end. I have also helped a new friend with her housing problems and as she said today that she owes me a lot, I said, no, you don´t own me anything, it is human thing to help. I will not write the details about this since I don´t want to take any credit for it, it will only ruin the magic of helping someone. This is my journal, from me to me and when I will be re-reading it, I will know exactly what I did. I feel that another chapter is coming to an end. After beautiful 5 months of happiness, no work and discovering myself, this chapter started with McDonalds.And it has tested me, and I didnt get out of it clean, I got out of dirty, but in a good way. As I fought and got to the position I wanted there, as I made a new friends and helped them along their way, as my job and my neurotic behavior almost eliminated a person from my life, but instead I fixed it and made a great new friend. I am grateful for this chapter, for everything that it taught me, but it is running out of paper and it needs to end soon. And it will.

I attended the open door day at the city's transit authority and I liked what I saw. I also managed to regain some aspects of my life. but Mordor has drained me more than I realized that it did. I am currently planning my resignation and dreading going to work tomorrow after this beautiful 8 days of sick days. They were really beautiful, I returned to loving life again. Life is really amazing. There is a bit of frustration since it will take some time, since I will have to do a two week notice, before never stepping into a McDonalds again, since I want to be done with this.It is dragging for too long and in the and it is nothing more than a distraction from a real work that I should be doing. My optimism has returned and I feel really good about this all and by that I mean I am very calm and centered and believe in my capablities to do the best out of this situation. I am also grateful to that place, I would not be able to stay in Germany if I didn't get that job,I also improved the language while there, made some good new friends and it gave me a possibility for a better tomorrow, but I have outgrown it and now is doing more damage than good, since I think, I learned everything possible from that place. I have learned a lot and I improved a lot in last few days and I would love to write about it, but right now, I have a mail to send and a resignation to plan.

Hahahah @Anna Konstantaki , I have been called many things (mostly asshole ) but a drama queen??? Hahaha, I love it! I did a Fast and furious marathon, what can I say, fast cars and female butts make me emotional I am slowly returning back to my old self, well my new self... my new old self.............. that guy that doesn´t watch TV series all days, play games all day and eats unhealthy, but works out, learns, meditates and is commited to self-actualization. I am dosing it since it is hard to get back into it. A few weeks ago I was capable of getting a lot of shit done, but I was riding the wave baby, it was all on inertia, it is hard to kick start it again, but I am doing it...again. Since I was a kid I wanted to be a pilot, driver or a skipper...pretty much, I want to drive shit. I couldn´t be a pilot since your eyesight has to be perfect for that and my isn´t ,I got talked out of being a bus or tram driver since I was deemed to intelligent for that job and I was living in continental Croatia so there were no ships around (but I did work on a cruise ship). I made a plan... it is probably not a good plan... well it is not really a plan, it is more an organized improvisation... not a good one... but it is something. Tomorrow I am going to the local transit authority as I applied for a bus drivers job and I am right now on my way to achieve it. The tricky part is, they pay my education and I commit to working for them for 2 years and I am not a big fan of cornering myself. But that is a job I would do for free and my calculations are telling me that I will need two years to get myself ready, to finish the TEFL course and get enough of money to start my own thing and get out of the system. So on paper...this two years don´t sound that bad, plus if I fail with my own thing I can return to driving, not to working in gastronomy. I have spend 25 years not listening to my intuition, but to others, I didn't try to achieve happiness but wealth, I worked on outer things and ignored inner and it got me no where! I started to work on the inner and my life improved, I decided to achieve happiness and I had it and still do and now it is time to start to listen to my instinct. I don´t want to be a bus driver for my whole life, but if I need 2 years to get myself in a good position, I would rather drive then ask if you want ketchup or mayo with your fries...and it pays better. So why the hell not do it. Not the way I pictured this, but I get to fullfill my childhood dream of driving a mighty beast, use it as self improvment and end up changing a job for a life purpose, not bad right? It´s not even two birds with one stone, it is ruining a Hitchcock's movie by killing all of the birds with a bloody machine gun. Just got to keep meditation and got to keep my feet on the ground, in theory it is all nice, but it is going to be much harder and it will require sacrifice in some aspects of my life.

Thanks @Anna Konstantaki, your words mean a lot to me. So, I am on my sick days, my back is killing me, but in all honesty, I played it to be worse when I went to the doctor then it is, so I got 8 days of freedom, a short window of opportunity to recover and get myself back on track. Now I said I will stay at that job until the end of June but, today, I gave myself a permission to walk away, to quit earlier if I want to, if it feels like that is the right call. Now, what I have been experiencing at that job has a name, it is called mobbing! I haven´t really realized it at the start since I was capable of ignoring it and focusing on my actualization, but I ran out of steam and my willpower got drained and that place hit me low and hit me hard. Now, I am hard to break, but what has been breaking me is a girl that works there, my co-worker, a nice cute sweet girl with a heart of gold and they are brutal to her and I am having a hard time keeping my mouth shut. The thing is, she is not EU, she is on a visa and if I say something to protect her, she could be send home. So I am planning my "retirement" from that place, but I am planning it in style, reporting the mobbing to the autorities (I got a lot of reserche to do) and leaving that place in style (making a lot of problems, attracting attention and getting all of the heat on me, so when I report them, they don´t figure it out that I did it for her (I have been watching to many movies)). The thing is, I never stood up for anything, I have seen injustice, but I never did anything about it, just like everybody else, someone has to make that first step, right?? Aside from that little distraction, I am getting back to what matters the most, the inner work. And I am having a hard time getting back into it, this month was terrible, but I making a choice that I am going to turn it into awesome month. I do feel that I am at the crossroad now, it is this moments that are going to define my direction, If I was in this state 3 years ago when I discovered Leo, I don´t think I would get into self-development. My depression, that I thought would run through my whole life, is but a fading memory, my suicidal thought are nothing but moments that I am ashamed of and my self confidence and self respect are at all time high. And as I am fully focused on changing my working environment, but in a smart way this time, my self-actualization had suffered. It is a funny thought to think that the next few months could determent my whole life as I stand on this crossroad where I no longer know what is true and what is bullshit. As I remember making actions that most of the world believes to be true and right and not working for me just like it is not working for the world and then following some of the stuff from here, counterintuitive stuff and watching them propel me in such a short amount of time. Thinks that I thought were true ended up being lies and some of the lies have turned up to be true, so what the fuck am I suppose to know what the truth is and what is not?? We are all indoctrinated in one way or the other and it was a scary notion, when earlier this month a female voice asked me;" Do you think you are indoctrinated to?" And I said "Yes", Yes I am.

Night shift that I did on the 8th of this month completely broke me. I was probably just a few seconds away from a complete mental breakdown. The amount of negativity was piling up and was taking over me. I experienced anger and fear and feeling of entrapment again with a lot of aggressive emotions and I was a second away from punching one of McDonalds cream de la cream guests right into face. That job started to consume me. I did nothing. Just watched a lot of YouTube videos as my willpower reached zero, as the memory of the last free day that I had faded away and my 6 day in a row working week seemed like a bloody lifetime. I am close to changing my job and also too far away. One more day at that place is too much, one more hour is too much, one second longer to stay there is too much. But I, in the end, didn't break and I didn't give up on my dreams. I switched from full employment to part-time, 130 hours per month, 40 hours less than what I am doing now. I was in a rat race again and now I took a choice to have more time and less money and immediately I felt better. I know on a logical level that happiness is unconditional, but I also know that I have to get out of that place, ASAP, and I know that the next job is going to be bad as well as I am only interested in expanding myself and this journey, but it will take time before I am self-sufficient and this place, where I am now, and I am telling this as a person who is grateful for it as it gave me means to stay here and work on myself, is destroying me. I feel sadness for the people as this world could be beautiful if we weren't so blind to it, to your intuition and if we weren't so afraid of the hardest job in the world. understanding ourselves. But I am taking only responsibility for myself and my actions and I find it sad, but my empathy for the mediocre people is fading away, they done it to themselves. There are days I wish I never found this website, there are days I never committed to actualization, because I can´t stop doing it and the world around me is unwrapping. It shows beauty of nature, the soft touch of a raindrop on your skin, the wonderful smell of flowers that I did not notice before, but is also unwrapping this bullshit of a society that we build solely on ego and people being stuck in their own personal hell. I feel like a crazy person, I think I am losing my mind. I never belonged anywhere, and now I am so much further from belonging somewhere. The "normal" world seems so absurd to me and people on this site seem so far ahead of me, experiencing amazing things in during their meditations and enlightenment work.

And so I made a full bloody circle. So many things have changed since the last year. But one thing remains. Last year, in this time, I wanted desperately to quit or change my job and right now I want desperately to quit or change my job. But all of the things I learned thanks to introspection is very useful, right now, unlike the last year, I can hold myself together. I am losing energy, my willpower is being drained, I can feel that, but I am mostly (when am not at my job) pretty happy. Last year I thought that I was lazy but now I just know that I am just exhausted. I have started planning how to quit. I had vacation and instead of getting the necessary rest I did trial at one Irish pub, I didn't get the job, but it is ok, because I tried. You learn from failures. Now I know that the next job is not going to make me happy or anything like that, but they usually give me this much needed change and new found wave of energy that I have learned how to surf and use fully. I am building my infrastructure, I am learning, saving money and making connections and with that in mind, I have designated end of June as the last days at work for me before I attempt to step it up. I am attempting to change the job right now, but unlike the last year, when I quitted and blew my money away and had to take this crappy job, this time, I am patient and calculating. It took two weeks but that girl I had a fallout with actually responded to my apology and we meet this Wednesday for a drink and a talk. It was the most uncomfortable meeting I ever had, filled with silence that even lasted up to 30 minutes. We talked about it and for the first time ever I have told my story to someone, so she could understand why I got triggered and she shared her story, a story with an unexpected twist and we pretty much agreed that we are both really fucked up. It was the most honest conversation I ever had as I took a chance and went full vulnerable and she followed my lead as we both trembled after telling our respective stories. In the end it was a nice evening as we both agreed that we both want to patch this up. It was so scary to be so open and so volnerable, it was so counterintuitive to what I would have normally done. But I did that before, playing power games and I lost friends and even the whole fallout with her was because of that. So I did something counterintuitive and she responded to it and I think I made a friend for life. It just makes me think about all the other bullshit behaviors that society has installed in me, dictate how I should live. You are a man and man don´t show emotions and if you show vulnerability you are going to get fucked and never apologizes first it is a sign of weakness.... Telling my story, being that vulnerable in front of her, in hopes of fix things up, is probably the bravest thing I ever did.

So the person I kicked out of my life in November, just to patch it up in December, triggered my neurotic behavior in February and pretty much stopped talking in March. Yeah, telenovela presenta. The funny thing about this story is she triggered my neurotic behavior, by taking days to respond to messages and I remembered 2010 when my depression started, when the girl I loved started doing that to me and then we were over. It is funny, since that moment in 2010, the worst day of my life is actually the best day of my life. It lead me here and my path before that was to finish collage, get married, work, die. A realization that good is bad and bad could be good? Damn. So I realized that and then I had that "Aha" moment, when I realized that my behavior, my demands that she should answer me quickly is neurotic. It was funny, since my realization came because my friend texted me about her fight with her roommate and basically she was angry because her roommate didn´t do what she would do if she was a gulity party. And I texted her back that the reason she is angry is moralization, and as I pressed enter, I realized, I am about to lose a person because of moralization. That evening I got another realization that in the whole story, I am the bad guy. I was never a bad guy in my own damn story. In every fight, whenever something would go wrong, I was the VICTIM! But I am no longer a victim, I am responsible for everything in my life and for the first time ever I found myself being responsible for a fallout, for losing a good person in my life and me being the person who blow the whole situation out of control because of a past. After weeks of hell, thinking how could I make her see what she is doing to me, apologize and change her behavior, after weeks of terrible days on my job and failings and bad luck, I came to terms about this situation that evening and decided to leave her alone, if I am not to help others, I will not hurt them. I will apologize, but I need to get myself grounded first. And that is why this whole fallout is the best thing that happened to me this year. I just saw that I still have things to fix, but I also saw that I have grown, it took me a while, but I am growing. Next day I woke up to a beautiful sunny day, first after many weeks of grayness, with peace of mind. I decided to take the bus, since Leipzig has new buses since last year and I like to ride them, but I just couldn't catch a new bus. I stood on the station and then the new bus just appeared and took my to my work, where I got assigned, after months of working with customers, to lobby, the only work I like there. And as I was doing my job, all of a sudden I found myself in a hug. My Australian friend that moved to Berlin was back in town and thought "Maybe he is working" and I was, so we agreed to meet next day. There is this little Irish pub I like to go and I always think to myself when I am there, that I would like to work there. She told me that they are hiring and they want someone who speaks English. So, few days later, I went there and it turns out, they have international workers, some of them don´t even speak German and I just might get that job. I don't believe in coincidences, luck, horoscopes, but it feels like life was trying to tell me that I am on the wrong path and when I realized that and started to change, I am just getting rewards thrown at me, it's ridiculous how good I am feeling and the luck I am having. And it all came with a changed perspective. Oh and yeah, I wanted to do that list of 100 things I am grateful about, but ended up with several A4 papers that I glued together and put on my wall. On it is written, "I am grateful for:" and everyday, I just add stuff on it. "If I only xy, then I would be happy"... bullshit. It is in me, the happiness is inside me. I might be a fool, but this fool is happier than rest of the fools. I am a good guy, I am a bad guy, I am a fool and I am a sage, I am someone and I am a noone, it all depends on the perspective of a person looking at me. But in truth, I just am.

I am still alive and life is going. I do stuff, I fuck up, I succeed, I am learning and I am forgetting. The bad stuff happen and down the road they ended up to be the good stuff and the good stuff happens and ends up being bad. With all my broad vocabulary and my unique writing skills all I can write and say is; I sometimes do stuff and then things and situations happen. Are they the one I wanted, don´t know. Are they what I need. Don´t know. And the funniest of all, sometimes, I do nothing and doing nothing is doing something, since, even when doing nothing, things and situations still happen.

Enslaved people taking orders from enslaved people... I think that this is the definition of todays time. We know jack shit, the world is just insane. Everybody doing the same shit over and over again, thinking that this time it will be different. Isn't that Einstein's definition of insanity? Who knows anymore, it might be fake, just like our sociaty. Anyways, I have been doing well. I ran out of steam and for last 2 days, I wasn´t really productive, but instead of going down and doing the negative self talk "You are being lazy" bla bla bla, I learned from it. Connecting why and now I am in a process of reconstruction. This whole process is pretty much just reconstruction, since we all got badly "constructed" by society, so now, we need to tear it down and build anew. And despite people like Leo in the world, this reconstruction process is hit and miss sometimes, no other way than to build something and see if it works and how to fix it or what to build if it doesn't. And of course, with all the bullshit in this world, it is a bit hard to build the right things, even with people like Leo, since we all forget, Leo is also in the process of rebuilding. It is fascinating watching him grow alongside with us. Still, I feel afraid, I feel like we are outnumbered. A couple of days ago a guy and a girl order a McFlurry from me, so I gave them and they looked at it and said "But it is nothing like the picture!!!" , pointing their fingers towards the menu panel. And I laughed and said. "Marketing!! Welcome to capitalism!" I didn't wanted to learn about marketing in school, I dismissed it because I thought everybody is like me, they can see through it, but now I know that that is not true. i am afraid that humanity is going towards extinction and we call it progress and civilization! I stopped judging people and it is worse now, since, now... I just feel sad for them and sad for all of us.

Building infrastructure and doing research. I feel good now since February the 20th was a year since I committed to this and if I look down the road, I have actually done a lot. And that is just in a year, I have committed to a life time. I wake up easily in the mornings as I am excited and motivated to continue my work, I do feel like I am going somewhere and that I will do something eventually. But the journey is nice. Depression is behind me, I do have bad days, but everybody does, my gaming days are also behind me, I don´t play games no more. I am not even tempted anymore, they just waste my time. Meditations... I don´t remember the last day that I didn't meditated. And best of all... beautiful sunny days are coming back and I am always more productive in that time then in winter. I still do and always will hate my job and that is why we are doing this so that I don´t live of a job, until than it is just an necessary evil, but also a source of motivation. Anyways, I love my life and I will make it awesome.

I went to a interview for a tourism job and just like that I was taken back through time. It was the same shit where I was a year ago. Cubicles, computers, telephones. The whole process was controlled from beginning till the end, it was an assessment. We had tests, practical tests, a break were we could talk (but I bet even that was to see who we were). Lets just say, I didn´t liked it. I thanked them for inviting me and giving me a chance and said that I don´t see myself there and walked out. This has given me a little bit of panic since I chased this and it ended up being the same shit I ran from. I can see improvement in myself as I allowed myself to walk out of potentially bad situation. I so badly want to change my McDonalds job, but that doesn't mean that I should take the first shit that appears, especially if it comes with 3 year commitment and quitting it would put me in the same position I was when I quitted that other job. But it was a great experience and I started laughing while listening to other participants as they were complaining about the system and describing events that were so familiar to me. I learned one thing. If I want to be happy I will have to do something radically different. I am in a weird place where I went to far to turn back to have a "normal life" but I am still to scared to cut that cord with society and do my own damn thing.

Learn from this. Yesterday was a full year since I started posting here. So much has changed and nothing changed at all. I have a hard time thinking what to write here. I am -almost- completely honest with myself and have less and less need to put things on paper. It was easy to write at the start when I would be proud of meditating ,working out and eating healthier. But now that is a normality. It was easy to write how much I hated my job and the one I am doing now, I hate even more, but that job is my responsibility and my choice and the feelings it gives me are also my responsibility and my choice. I have written so much about jobs and this system, words full of hatred and bitterness, thinking I am the next big thing, that I have discovered the hot water, but I was just another miserable person in this world spreading the negativity. It is funny that when you take the complaining out of the picture, you have nothing to say, when you take the prideful ego out, you have nothing to say. Maybe that is why we associate quite people with wisdome, TV characters like (Yoda) who say almost nothing, but the words they say leave a mark. Maybe there is something so powerful in silence that so many people would rather talk about weather then be in silence. All I know is that I used to spread the negativity. The question is, how to spread positivity?