misko55

Day 4 - Low energy day Did my new morning routine , write what to do today and did it. In the end I did a lot of those things just because I wrote them down. Procrastinated a lot , no more playing games gave me a lot of free time and emptiness that needs to be filled. By gaming I mean also not watching youtube about gaming. With the first day of this 2016 I stopped playing my biggest addiction War Thunder for the whole 3 months before relapse and that relapse was because I still watched youtube. At one point I didn't play anything for 3 weeks , but still watched some game related content on youtube and it triggered me as I battled my depression about my office job. Speaking of which , tomorrow we do this shit all over again. Let´s see if this will change or is it just going to slide back to old. I have my self under control , I think about what is important to me and that is to learn German so I could get the job I want , but I would rather that things change at my current job then search for a new one. Still , that keeps my head above the water , knowing that the moment I pass that final exam , I'm quitting and there is no way nobody is ever putting me into a prison... I mean office (Is there really any difference between those two?) ever again. Anyways since I no longer care about my job it´s easier to be there and not be so under stress. I mean what is the worst they could do to me?? Fire me?? Haha , it would be more a blessing in disguise than a punishment. Also I wanted to quit , they accepted every problem that I had and said they would find a solution since they want me to stay ,so I would say I have an upper hand here. Also a bit of an irony. I started to make a plan how to plan better.

Thx @Anna Konstantaki , appreciate you reading and commenting. Day 3 - The return of the temptation. Started a new morning routine. In the past I watched quite a lot of TV shows , I got used to , whenever I would I eat , I would do it in front of my PC watching something. I cut down on TV series , but I would still watch youtube when I would eat. So with the start of the month I decided to stop watching youtube during my snacks (2nd and 4th meal). Today I started a new morning routine , during breakfast , instead of watching something and starting my day that way , I eat with a piece of paper on which I plan my day. Now today I did everything I planned except for going out and exploring , but I got a good excuse for that. I skyped with my friends from back home , didn't hear in a while and they called me to come to skype and play an online game. And this is "the return of the temptation" part. I turned it down and suggested just skyping , so we did that. It was nice hearing from them. Meditation done first thing in the morning full 20mins. Training , done First day of the 30 day planking challange , done Running , done Playing the guitar , done Learning German , done Pretty good day , especially when I remember my last Saturday. Played War Thunder.... whole day. I did watch a TV series today , a few episodes more then usually , but with gaming gone I have a lot of free time and honestly , I have a low energy since gaming is my go to thing under stress or boredom. I learned from this relapse that I went full speed with my change and the just run out of steam and returned to what I know.This time , I´m taking my time , building momentum. Last time I did like 2h of German ,set a high goal , saw that I´m not gonna achieve it on time , gave up , returned to playing games. Today I did 3 lessons only (15 min) and for the rest of the month that is the amount of time I will do it until I reach better stamina to do it more I´m grateful for my friends.I don´t really deserve them , I tried more to be the leader of the group then their friend. They accepted me , they support me , they wish I was in Zagreb so we could hang out, but know why am here , it's kinda nice to be wanted. They accepted immediately that I´m on a 90 day detox from gaming and no problems there. 2 more months and vacation. Can wait to see them , we already planned a visit to a coastal town of Crikvenica in Croatia for a sunny day at a beach. I just love them.

Day 2. Didn't play... well it would be really defeting if I did. Anyways I had my talk with my bosses along side my social worker. Apparently it is a bit harder to get a job in the office since Germans just love this kind of work and no one replied to my motivational letters. Had a talk and for now I´m still here. I said my problems and responses were quite positive , they want me to stay , think that I do my job well and said that they will find solutions to my problems.Today was pretty great , had a lot to do and people started to work with me , I wasn't bored for a second. I thought about alternative , about where I was before this job came along and the answer was in my small room , living with parents , eating unhealthy , playing games all day. This job gives me money which I´m investing in doing self actualization and I want to be fluent in German and in the words of Carly Rae Jepson "I really really reallly reallly really really want to learn German and to be fluen , be fluent , be fluent , too". I´m joking , she really really really reallly really really wants me. But I don´t find here interesting... poor thing. So I decided with my social worker to keep sending motivational letter but I will monitor this situation and give my new Ausbilder (my boss ,instructor) since he did start at this function just a couple of weeks ago and thought that everything is fine with me. Aside from that , I´m starting a 30 day planking challenge , I'm looking to start aikido here in Leipzig (to meet more people) or maybe just take extra German lessons here and meet equally out of place people. And plan to take a little trip somewhere every Saturday , tomorrow I plan on just taking the nr. 9 tram and drive till the end or until I see something interesting. I always wanted to be that guy who does that and despite staying in the office job I don´t plan to let my soul and my dream die. And the end with... I´m grateful... Well I'm grateful to my social worker / counselor (the word in German is:Betreuerin) she had to choose 33 people for this project ,6 from Croatia and she choose me. I learned a whole new language for free , discovered two beautiful cities of Leipzig and Dresden (both weren't on my map to visit them) and overall great experience.As I said before , when she choose me I was , eating unhealthy , getting fat , unmotivated , depressed , played video games all day , sleep until noon... yeah... and today I´m here. I wouldn't do all this changing work if I didn't come here to live on my own.There will be a day when I will leave this job , but that day is not today , I always want things NOW and then give up when I don´t get them fast enough. I just started this journey , perhaps still having some training wheels is not so bad. Time for my meditaion. Tomorrow is going to be a long day , so much work to do on breaking down my confort zone and building up my will power. So much work to do , I did like a month or something and thought I got the hang of it... ahhh ego...you so silly.

Day 1 PG. Wait what? Well am back baby! Lost a bit of control there , spiraled out of control , to deal with my job I returned to playing games to numb my self down and that lead down a very familiar route , which ended up with me stopping to meditate. Thankfully my eating habits and working out took minimal hits in this epizode of mine. Any ways , day 1 PG (Postus Gamigus) as I have again , yesterday, uninstalled everything and started a 90 day detox , which should lead to elimination of that habit and also , eliminating is not enough , now I need activities to replace it. So today was pretty solid , immediately did my workout in the morning (still at 18,7% body fat ,which is a good thing since I did let my self go a little bit), and did my 20 minute meditation since I don´t remember when , it has to be a month since I manage to do full 20 mins. Did more research about food and apparently I´m on a good path , but if any of you who are going to read this have any nice , cheap and fast recipes to share , please do. Took a walk around the near by lake and then in the evening took another one , it is a nice calming experience. Cleaned up the apartment and played my guitar. Still , am back on track. It was this journal that got me back , yesterday I re read what I wrote and re read this whole journal and remember how good my life was and days when I was actively doing something important to me , instead of wasting time. It was fear that took over me , I do want to quite my job , but on the other hand , what if this was the best one I ever had??Tomorrow I have that talk in my firm and... I need to be strong and stand by my principles. I need it ti go towards end , I would more than gladly do my 30 days after quitting (to buy myself time) that would be actually a perfect scenario , but I need to control my fear and not just fold and stay there. So I will write here everyday , because , it helps. I need to work on my will power , in the mean time , this will do. And to combat my recent negativity , I'm will be ending my posts with "I'm grateful...." So , I'm grateful to video games , they thought me a lot , English language and culture , some amazing stories , fast decision making , hell , even reflexis , friends. It was a great time , but was. .. time to move on , they played (aaa , love puns ) their part and now is time to put those things I learned to good use.

@Anna Konstantaki ... wow , do I have a fan? Unfortunately , no , I didn't die. This friday I have a meeting with my employer and my social worker is going to be present as well and I have no clue in which direction that is going to go. I kinda stopped writing since , the goal was to motivate others and it turned into me , being very negative about my working enviroment. The funny thing is , just a few months ago I loved my job and I started to think how I got from there to here and it was , Actualized.org. When I started this actualization thing it clashed with my job and working on my self , changing things , I realized , I can´t do it while my job keeps reseting me. They put me in this shift from 10-19 and I don´t have time for anything , it comes down to meditationg or working out , or doing both very badly. So I´m a bit depressed right now. And everytime , before some mayor decisions, I become unresponsive. Just watch videos ,play games ,avoid everything and everybody. When I thing what I really want , it comes down to having someone who would know me inside and out , take her hand , my guitar and just wonder around the world. I don´t like routine and the only things I am ready to commit to are people. I don´t change them , I find good people I keep them , everything else is not important. So German mentality is killing me , I haven´t meet a single person here that is interesting. They all are bloody boring , just talk about their work and I don´t see that spark in their eyes , you know , the life. Everything here is just dull and boring , grey and all I want is to quite this rat race for material goods and be happy , free. And I don´t know how to achive it.

So the shit hit the fan , I´m about to get fired?? I don't know, it was a confusing day. I thought about writing about my general day , how it goes , so that I can remember that, sometimes we forget about some thing and I wanted to remember this one and the choices that I make. Well , school had called Mordor today , I mean my work place ( honest mistake ) and told my Ausbilder (no clue how to translate that (google says instructor but.. yes and no)) that I stopped going to school for about a month ago.So , me , someone who could of become the world champion in lying ,didn't lie in this situation. So I told the truth , well partial , I still have my interests at heart. I was hoping to get fired , but nope , if anything as I was waiting for someone to call me to some meeting and "justify myself" or some other shit , a collage came in and I had to sign some shit paper that I will attend some kind of presentation tomorrow. I remembered that , it was announced in February , I did not signed it because 1) Saturday...fuck no , and 2) I didn't expect to still be here. So recap , I'm still employed , will waste tomorrow and I have my social worker on my ass for not going to school and saying the truth , fun times. Now why don´t I want to go to school?? Because we have tests every fucking class and I hate it , I hate school , I love learning , learning is beautiful , this is not learning , there is no creativity in it , there is no wonder , it's smithing us into something to fit society. Now that shit could of worked back in the days , but now , I´m a 25 year old male and all I want is to break this chains. I'm all over the place. Pretty content with my life and happy and then I suddenly become depressed during the working hours. 12h a day , what a lose and I work from 10-19. Every friday I hope for a change in shift to 8 , so I could have something of a day , but no. I sit there , look through the window and thing "Damn , I´m missing on the best part of the day". And this people want me to answer why I don´t go to school and now I have to come up with a (for them) satisfying answer , because there are , I thing , to far gone and their minds are limited (not their fault). And I´m sitting here , thinking , where did it all go wrong?? Why am I not fired?? I mean how did I manage to screw that up that badly that not only that am I not fired , but tomorrow's plan of going for a jog , google about healthy recipes , meditating in the park and learning a song on a guitar is changed to wasting 8 hours away while sitting and listening to some living dead people.

So yeah ,title says it all. I use to be a big meat eater , literally every meal had to be meat or meat products and since summer last year I started to change it. Haven´t eat a salami in , I don´t know how long and fast food is pretty much eliminated from my life. Iswitched from heavy meat consumption to around eating 600g a week and eating more fish and vegetables. Now I need a little help , I would like to incorporate more of vegetarian and/or vegan diet with thought of making that transition permanent. I know that we live in an internet age I was searching for recipes on my own but , I have low income (student) , low storage capacity (a small fridge and one shell for food) and extremely small kitchen to prepare stuff , even less time to prepare (I leave my apartment at 8 AM and come back around 8-9PM). So if anybody knows some really fast ,cheap not to hard or to long to prepare , without some wild or hard to come by in Europe groceries ( yeah not asking to much ) vegetarian/vegan meal , I would appreciate it. Or at least point me in the right direction. Thanks in advance

@Anna Konstantaki , surrender is not an option , but I get what you wanted to say. It´s retreating and choosing your battles and yeah , I learned that the hard way , still learning.

I quitted my job and as I went home I singed , danced , laughed. People looked at me like I´m crazy , but I was alive , light like the wind. Even the dog that barks everyday at me, looked at me a little strange, until I started to bark at him , hahaha , so stupid , it just came to me and I barked at a very confused dog. I did that walk , like Jim Carry´s character , Ace Ventura , I walked like I own the world , baby!! And then I came to the train station and i pulled out of it. Brain does not distinguish fiction from reality and although I did that walk , this story is not completely true. I didn't quite , but I thought about it like I always do and my mind just went into a "happy mode" of sorts. As I said earlier , there is a plan and quitting now , today or tomorrow is not on it. I´m so close to pulling myself in the right direction and no matter how many negative emotions my job gives me I have to endure ,the finish line is close. I did this before , just quitted out of a blue moments before I was close to getting the ticket to paradise. Not this time , I have grown , I have developed , I am mature and this is my trial , I have to endure. And I´m winning , I smile ,I keep meditating ,eating healthy and working out. Job can put me down for a day or two , but can´t keep me. My meditations are a fight , not perfect , but they aren't meant to be perfect , are they? They give me strength to fight ,to believe and to work. As I stood on that platform I knew that there is no "meaning of life" or "American dream" that can be copy and pasted to everybody. There isn´t one , we made it ourselves up.The truth is life is meaningless , dirty and unfair and one day this body will die and nobody is going to remember me or what I did or stood for. And I´m okay with that. Opening my e-mail while still having some taste of my dream in my mind I got several emails from my social worker as she send job applications on my behalf to tourism jobs, the next step on my plan. Was this a sign or I want it to be the sign!?! I don´t know , what I know is that I don´t know anything , maybe it is , maybe it isn't , or maybe it is that luck follows the brave and the stupid. And then came this , I was thinking a lot about death recently and how I want to die and then on Sunday or Monday I read it here on someones journal about this exact topic. I don´t know the details how I want to die , but just like everybody I came to this world blooded , crying and fighting for my first breath and that is how I want to go , blooded , crying and fighting for my last breath. My whole life is a battle , a losing one (maybe it will turn) , but I always fought , when I stood the chance and when I didn't and when I knew that it could destroy me , I would fight it. I cried , I was depressed , I was so many times lying on the floor , but would get up , pick myself up and continue fighting , it is the only thing I know. This thought came after reading about that Russian officer that got surrounded by ISIS and called an airstrike on himself. I envy him , he died for something he believed. He died for something and so many people just die , that´s it. And then , he wasn´t like " oh omg my job sucks" So yeah , I love living , I love the smell of air after the rain and I loved myself today as I cheerfully walked home , dancing and singing ,being myself and free , at least for a moment. Love y´all.

So I finished a 30 day get in shape challenge and 30 day abs challenge and did drop from around 20-21% body fat to 19%. My goal is 15% by the summer. And as I started to look for a new job my ego does fight it , it comes from a place of fear and comfort , but it does have a few good points. In 2013 I would sleep till 17:00 , or 5 PM for Americans and play Football manager , rage , play it more and then go to sleep. I was around 2 000$ heavy from my cruise ship times. In 2014 I improved , would get up at 12 and play other video games and dream.Today I still have those dollars and around 2000€ , live in Germany , have my apartment , know another language , my third , eat healthier , work out and hold a steady job. So yeah , it got some good points that I should be less critical about my self and just stop for a moment , enjoy it , take faith and heart from it and then continue. When I look back , I know now that everything is possible and that I am more capable then I think I am , I did suffer from depression for years and low self worth. Now people usually shake their heads when I say this and my friends encourage me , but I want to be a freelancer. Two things interest me , two I wanted for so long , be a writer and be a stand-up comedian. I have a great talent of being balanced , I´m a very funny guy , that is my rep ,but also very serious and philosophical. Now I don´t know if both are achivable but at this moment it doesn´t matter. To get there first I want to get back to the best job I ever hold and got fired for stupidity as I argued with my supervisor , tourist animator. It requires creativity , gives a great stories to write and you work on a stage where I could prep my self for stand-up. Now to get that job for sure , I need a really good third language and that for me is German. I´m learning it for a year and to make sure I got it I want to stay here in Germany for another year or two , but not at my current job. That´s why I have sent my CV and motivational letter for traineeship (Ausbildung) in tourism and marketing , thinking that any of this two jobs could give me necessary sklls for future. As I made my blog I realized , I don´t know how to market it and just writing is not enough. And that is my current plan that I intend to achieve by 24th of June , get a new job. And that job is not going to make me happy , I know that and by the end I'm probably going to hate it , because this world is not for people like me. When I work and look out the window and see the sun , I know I´m missing the best part of the day , for nothing. But it is going to be a job and a school which is going to put me in the right direction and then I´m going from this hell hole , because that is Germany for you , Arbeit ,arbeit ,arbeit , hell even the most popular games here are bloody simulators , after a working day is over an average Germans plugs in to play someone else's job. To hell with that mentality , I want to live, not exist

Interesting week , very interesting week. Normally I do Mon , Tues and Fri my job and on Wed and Thr it´s school. Well on Tuesday I got to work and my eyes almost water when I saw the schkedule. No school this week , working every day. Funny thing , as I observe myself , being mindful I see my ego fighting against the change.All of a sudden my job is not so bad and you can do it and people in my work place did acepte me , just when they say my name there is this voice " Do you really want to leave?" Well , yeah , I do. Anyways , working from 10-19 has taken it´s drain on me and my meditation failed completely , but my eating habits and work out habits sticked , so , hurra!! Not a complete failure Well tomorrow is going to be also an interesting day , after thinking about all this , I´m changing my approached to this actualization , because this one took me as far as it could (pretty much from reverse into neutral) and now is time to take it up a notch.

@Anna Konstantaki jeeez , we are so alike , I exactly know where you come from , the same thing , have to do things my way , want to know everything but don´t like to go into details. Yeah this world is not for us , for sure. But , trust me , economy and busness , there is nothing to learn there , well , at least not for you. I finished that school and I wish I didn´t. Pretty useless if you are spiritual. If anything the best busness people build on the fact that they never went to those schools and do stuff differently. Economy is very unflexible topic.

So this weekend I was in Chemnitz , visiting friends. It was nice , I had to push myself out of my comfort zone to get there at one pointed wanted to send a message that I can´t make it and then make up a reason why. I was there , stayed over night and slept on a floor. Other then that , week was terrible. I´m in a process of changing jobs and it´s not easy , I´m in a program that gives me nice comfort and security , the very same things that stop people from achieving their goals and also this beautiful thing from our wonderful corporate system called "contracts". So I started the process to change it and I did set that date when I expect things to change , but honestly , I was aiming for sooner. Apparently that is not going to change and 24.6. is the date when it will be possible. And that has made me very unmotivated and send me back to watching youtube and playing games whole day. Well not whole day , I still fight this , but the thought of having to go to my work for next 3 months before I can change it has mentally destroyed me. Well the games are again uninstalled and meditation has been resumed after 3 days. I´ll be posting here more often , because this journal helps me keep focused and writing it only twice a week is not enough to cancel out the effects that my job leaves on me.Practically , no matter how much I prepare , write things on paper and do what ever in hopes that after a working day is over it will get me back into actualizing , 9 hours later I have no will power to live , let alone to work on something so challenging and so far away from instant reward that I go back to quick fix and distractions and then feel bad. I have to make up a better plan and post it here , for some reason , the thought that someone is going to read makes me more liable , which is sad , I should be only liable to myself. But if it´s stupid but it works it ain´t stupid. Anyway , this experience has been eye opening , because now I understand how people get them self in this situations and why are we as a society letting so many shit happening to the world. Security is the bait and comfort is the trap and it´s so hard to get out of it.

So yeah I traped my self. I´m a 25 year old Croatian living in Germany and I don´t really have anybody to talk this things through , so here it goes. It´s ironic , I was always to proud to ask for help and now that I got over that ego emotion I don´t have anybody to ask it for. Anyway , since 2010 I suffered depression and all my jobs were distractions , I would run away into them to escape my shitty life.Customer service in T-mobile , cruise ship , reception , waiter , never build a career always just run away. So I started working on my self and got this opportunity to live in Germany. First time ever that I builded and I fuck up. I wanted to learn German so I took the first job offered to me , despite the fact that I saw it won't interese me. I can´t stand the job any more , on Monday and Thusday I did nothing but cheking that the numbers on the paper were the same as in the system and then change them if needed. Oh , the boardom.Now I would just quit but here comes the trap part! I´m in a program that lasts 3 years , it´s not just work but you go to school as well. So I want a new job and if I change from logistics to tourism and/or marketing I need to stay a year longer. Problem is I want to learn German , that´s it and after that write. I want to be a writer and even my parents are supporting me in , when I told my best friend about my situation , he said " it´s a good job... but you need something creative , right?" And he is dead on , I want something creative and I started it , but writing , blogs , freelancer stuff. It is a job and as one it takes time. Yesterday I spend 2 hours just setting up my blog (and I´m not even happy how I did it) and doing research how to market it. It will take time and effort to make it and start earning money. All I want is to quit and start writing , but then I won´t have any revenue for a long time and I just can´t return to my parents. I did so much work on my self here and finally I know what I want (actually always knew it , just didn´t had the balls to do it) , but don´t know how to get it yet , nor how to play this. So any advices?

@Wind , yup that is exactly what I´m aiming for @Amplituda thank you for the kind words and a pep talk

So I stick with a full month of doing this. Hmm , who would of known. This last 2 days I fail with meditation , just to get it out of the way and I made an error in planing my meals and I found myself needing to buy something , and boy , the choices of food in stores are terrible , went with Chicken Nuggets. Well you learn while you live , will do a better planing next time. I still struggle , I realized that my job is what resets me back into subconscious because everything else in my life has improved , but I´m winning the fight. I´m in a program for young people to live , learn and work in Germany , so I can´t just quite ,becuase there is this thing called "Contracts" (the fact that this things exist show us how much our words are worth , nothing). But I have started the process and a new job is going to be aligned with what I want. Basically I will use this program to give me the necessery skills to do what I really want. My aim is Marketing or Tourism. I know that I want to create , a blog or something and I realized , for that I need: A) Great content , now I have some , but I need more and that´s where Tourism comes in. It´s basiclly a job which you can do anywhere or volonteer in Hostels and experience things. B) Market it so people would read and that would lead to income and being able to live of of my writing , that´s where Marketing get´s in. Anyway , I´m failing less and less and even my job no longer puts me down , because thing are in motion. I´m preparing and when 24th June knock on the door , ready or not , it´s action time , things are going to change. It´s a scary notion! But this life , doing this job for the rest of my life. No way , I would rather buy a gun , get in a bank , scream this is a robbery , wait for the cops to show up , give my self in and go to prison , I would really rather be in a prison then in an office. In prison you can at least learn stuff and don´t have to commute.

@Journey , personally don´t like piercings , but I don˙t think it´s ego. I usually have long hair but everytime I start something new , like a big change , I cut it. It´s like a simbol of change.

Well @Journey , I eat 5 times a day , so that I keep burning fat through out the day. 3 big ones and 2 snacks. Breakfast is pretty much 2 eggs with whole brown bread , or that bread with cheese on it or sometimes a banana when I need to wake up really , really early. When I have time I also drink green tea with breakfast. MY first snack is usually a Greek yougurt. Lunch , well I usually go for chinese , I own a woke , so 100 G chicken , with lots of vegetable and a brown rice with a salad , second option is a chicken salad , also 100G chicken white meat with tomatoes , green salad or what ever I have in the fridge. For fourth snack I go again with the Greek yougurt or an apple when I´m done with my work For dinner I usually go for fish , tuna , or fillets with spinach , whenever I eat fish and I eat a lot of it , sometimes for lunch as well ,I eat it with beets.

@Anna Konstantaki , yeah that´s how I stoped drinking coke and eating fast-food. I installed a free on-line game and restricted my self to playing only after doing something meaningfull and only for 30 min , and kinda put the game on German , so if am gonna play I might as well learn German that way.

Terrible week , based on this new weeks that I have , it didn´t even scratched the ones I used to have , eating unheathy , watching TV and playing games , but my job really got to me. Had to wake up at 4:45 every morning , it really destroyed me. 1. Meditation 6/10 : Very hard , it was very hard , my mind was exhausted , keep wondering , couldn't concentrate.I stick with it , but would open my eyes and look at my mobile phone , thinking " Come on ring" Is 20 min really this long?? 2.Writing 7/10 : I surprised my self , I really can do it. I found some of my older writings. I wanted to be a stand-up comedian , still do , maybe I will be. Jokes were terrible (Croatian isn´t good for stand-up , that´s why I gaved up) , with a few good ones. But got inspired and started writing some material but on English , there is a potential there , if I keep it up this time , only time can tell. Anyways I keep practicing creative writing and it is a lot of fun. 3.Workouts 10/10 : I should get this of the list , maybe? I broke down but this habit sticked. I started two 30 day challanges and on both am half way done , day 15. Really love working out. 2 months ago I was around 20-22% body fat (didn't measure then , I assume) , today I´m on 18,7% with intetntion to get on 15% by summer and 12% by the end of the year. 4.Eating healthy 9,5/10 : Sticked with it , but I really , really wanted a take away and/or chocolade. I endured. Still on Thursday I eat one meal more than usual. 5.Cutting wastefull activities 2/10: I failed here. My job got to me , for 2 days I just watched youtube videos ,still maintained it with TV shows but installed an on-line game on Thursday . Uninstalled it on Friday , but I really want to play something. I know it´s my ego fighting this decision to leave comfort by the June the 24th and that myob is the one pulling me back into the mud. Maybe I should install them and be mindful about it to remind myself why I stopped playing in the first place? Or is that my ego trying to trick me into playing? 6. Guitar 6/10 : Didn´t learn much , just played it because it´s fun and I love music and love Jelena (my guitar (yeah I named her)) 7. German 7/10 : New thing on the list. I kicked the gear up. German is instrumental to my new plan of achiving more in life then some shitty office job. Started doing excercises on Duoling and reading a book. I intend to finish all lessons on dualing in a space of 5 weeks. And every day read on German.

Hey @Journey , would you share your diet? I changed my as well , but maybe you got a few nice , cheap and tasteful recipes that I don´t know

@Anna Konstantaki sometimes it needs to get worse to get better

You just go to your journaly and press "Reply to this topic" , just like you did here.

@Anna Konstantaki Well it´s when my 1st year Ausbildung (traineeship) ends. And it´s when my vacation starts and my parents are planning to come here. Before I move I want them to see Leipzig , Berlin , Dresden and Prag , plus , they will come with a car so it will be easier to pick some of my stuff and take it home since I plan on travelling and can´t take it all with me , so it is a sound financial plan. And on the other hand it gives me time to finish some things that I started and prep myself for a new challange.

24th June! The escape date. My job just keeps returning me into that depression mode , where I distrect myself with games , TV shows and Youtube videos. This journey is so great ,yet , waking up at 4:45 did it´s number on me. Barley meditated , gave up during it on Monday and yesterday and pretty much just watched TV shows and Youtube videos. Silver lining , did not play games , keep my workout routine and eating habits with yesterday only eating one meal more than normal. Could of been worse. Anyway I got a vague idea what I want and I´m pretty sure of knowing what I don´t want. And this job just pulls me into the same shit where millions of other people are. The comfort it gives me , regular pay check , food , roof over my head and it only asks for my life. If you want to achieve something then you got to do something you never did before. It´s time to be brave. I was never brave I was always calculating. And people say I´m brave , working on a cruise ship , going to study in Germany , but I was in a program and had an agency doing the heavy lifting. All I had to do is follow instructions , now... 24th June and not a day later , we are changing this , maybe before , but my mind is set up. When 25th June comes I´m going to be free. Scared shitless , but free. Still have thing´s to learn ,do and prepare , but my job got a bit easier since I decided this , if they fire me , great! I love when problems solve themselves!