misko55

The rat race fugitive is on the run... and got cought... , damn... I quited my job , I said "Ich kundight" , I quit and no , I´m still there. Because of the fact that I´m in a program they needed first to talk to my social worker and she didn´t responded today, TODAY!!! Of all the fucking days. The day I finally finded my balls (they were just hanging there by the way) and next week it is busness as usual. Fuck , today was probably the worst day of my life , I feel like I´m in that TV show "Lost". Just can´t get of the fucking island. Ahhh , nevermind. Everything happens for a reason. I got here depressed and lazy and this job turned my life around , it is a great opportunity , but only for somebody else , me... I want to be happy , just that happy. I want to be unbelievably rich , in knowledge , experience and life. So maybe there is a reason that this turned out the way it did , but I doubt that by the end of this month I´ll be there. And I made a contact with a guy that would like to help me , he did this in 2008 and is still doing it , just travelling on a budget , he does exactly what I want to do , so I might learn a thing or two during this little complication.https://tomislavperko.com/ Either way , I promised myself that I will quit and pursue my dreams and I´m a simple man , I rarely make promises , but when I do.... I keep them

I need to add one more thing to my list , the most important one... balls... balls to do this. Today I forgot to put my alarm on so I woke up less then an hour till my work and with 2 hour commute... well , I called in sick. But I didn't go to the doctor since... I was lying and she doesn´t work Wednesdays. So tomorrow is going to be interesting. But what is the worst thing that can happen?? They fire me??? Hahahaha... I wish! Before going to get a german number and making a payment I sniffed around that site , workaway. 713 opportunities just in Germany. I scrolled a few... and I WANT THIS!!! I wanted to apply immediately! Can´t wait to do it! Now about that , I have a contract on this apartment until end of the August , I signed that I will stay her full year (Germans , they love to improvise , don't they! ) So I want to wait it out , not buy it out and August the 5th is the date when I should get paid by this program. If I leave earlier , they will cancel the payment. So yeah , that´s the plan , collect money , quit the job , stay her next 3 weeks and arrange everything , learn and send my stuff home to my parents and do this! I can't believe how fast today went and how slow Monday and Tuesday were , it's unacceptable. But my eyes are now open and opportunities are everywhere , I am no longer feeingl trapped. I feel like a little kid and , I need to put that on my list as well: I need to keep myself in check so that I don´t burn out. It´s not important to set up everything perfectly , with the blog and channel. It will take time to build , there is no way that I will set on this adventure with backing from profits from Youtube and blogging and thousand subscribers. I want to do it today , right now... and there is a big fight between logical side that did all the decision making till this year , the side that likes this comfort and security and familiarity and tries to save every penny ... and my other side , that I don´t know how to name , the one I always ignored , the one that looked in the sky and wondered , the one that likes to dance in the rain , the one that is trying to break free and....and I have to wonder... is that side... me?...or just a projection I created to justify this recklessness and actually even thinking to do something as stupid as just drop a safe job for chasing dreams. I know one thing... I never had regrats about things I did and even if they blew up in my face , I forgot about them , moved on and in the end , they made a nice little stories... but the ones I didn´t. They stay fresh in the memory.... I am not a believing man , I am an Atheist (it´s more complicated than that) but yesterday I looked upon the stars and whispered... give me strength to fucking do it... Hmmm , who knows , I might even resign tomorrow.....

Made a list of things I want to check off before going all in. Well , plan is to check off as much as possible in an as short time as possible. Also I have drafted a little plan. So the List. I got 2200€ , about to hit 2500€ , actually I have that amount , but this program I am in , still didn't pay me my 300€. So I do have a certain interest to stay at my job until the pay , since it could get difficult to get that money if I leave. It might not , but I am a Croatian and I know about pay up difficulties , so that is how I´m going to roll. If I manage until August the 5th , I will have 3000€ and that gives me 7 and a half month of breathing space. Pretty sweet , but that is running on air and water , but for a dream and escape... I´ll do it! Next , start the blog and have some content on it , will start with that this weekend. Youtube channal , some content on it. I will be meeting this Saturday with a friend that , I think knows this shit , making videos and editing , so , it´s on stand by till Saturday. Have a camera. My died and is in Zagreb. Zagreb is 930km away from me. Will figure something out. I left it for a repair and my friends that also live in Leipzig might be able to bring it back to me , otherwise I will have to buy a new one. If I do that I will add the value of it to this 3000€ since there will always be something I could get and that could drag on and I would never leave. I need to get a German mobile number... yeah , if I register on PayPal as a Croatian I can only add credit cards. I don´t own one and don´t intend to own one. Regarding banksters , if I´m not on their radar , I´m happy. But if I try to register as living in Germany and add my bank account , I need a phone number. Also , I will take pre paid this Saturday. Register on PayPal. So that I could register for Workaway site. You need to pay yearly 23€ and there you can volonteer on farms ,homesteads ,hostels... it´s pretty neet. You exchange your time for food and accomodation. Mayority of them give you your own room and free internet. And need to update some other sites I have , time to connect with people. Also with crowdfounding like Patreon. If someone would donate just 1€ , that would be a big help. But for that I do need to set that blog and youtube channel , otherwise it´s just an online begging. I have decided how I will quite. I will thank them for the opportunity and be a good person , also after quitting I will not speak badly about them in blog or channal. It was a moment in my life and it will stay there. Plan is: Find something in Bayern region. Use https://www.couchsurfing.com/dashboard?new_user=true to find some places to crash on the way , probably Hof or Nurnberg (also need to find a way for cheap travell). Stay there a couple of weeks/months and head for Switzerland (Bern,Zurich) and Lichtenstein and hopefully try to find a winter season job in those ski resorts. Build up my purse and then head for Austria (Salzburg ,Linz ,Wien) maybe stay at some farm to rest a bit. Then head for Bratislava , Budapest and from there just take the train and go home. It will be a test run to see how suited I am for this and it leads home! Also it runs with my bucket list , I intend to visit all of the European capitals. Anyways , this is it from me , but I pride myself in doing the best I can , so I´m sorry for bad English , normally I edit stuff , but now , I just try to capture it all as it comes from my mind. And this is good ,I usually have my own words that would look like this: I writ fst becu m mnd is very fst nd I nd to cptr it bfor I los d trck of it. ( I write fast because my mind is very fast and I need to capture it before I lose the track off it). Everybody has their own style I guess , I developed mine. It is funny when people find my notes. Half written in Croatian , English and German , sometmes whole sentences just switching. I can read it and edit it later and that is all that matters to me when I write. So yeah , that and the fact that I´m tired. Had 5 hours of sleep and... boy , I don´t remember Monday , I learn and did so much in such a short time , but gotta go now ,there is more work to be done ,just 17 more days!

Decision made. August the 5th , if all of the circumstances stay the same , I will quit my job. I had nice 3 weeks of vacation and got a little bit lazy and I forgot the bad times , I was full of optimism and my parents gave me a green light to pursue my happiness , I would either way , but it is nice to know they support me no matter what. But in the process , I got a little lazy and had a bit of a hard time finding motivation to search for other thing , well , I guess I can´t be hard on myself , I did need a break , I had migraines for a whole month. But today was my first day of work after my holiday and sometimes motivation finds you. I swear to everything that I hold dear , by the end of this year , I will not be there , I will not be put down with that places bad vibes , I WILL LEAVE and LIVE!!!! Love how this two words sound similar. 14 more work days. I am out of my comfort zone , every day I will make a move forward to dig myself out. Today I registerd to a site (it was more difficult then you think (thanks to some very bad coding (it took me an hour))) https://hosteljobs.net/# I have pinpointed some other sites and will be registering and doing recon and sending my CV in the next few days. Also , I have made some footage and intend to make my youtube channel ,https://www.youtube.com/channel/UCm0sOsyKi0osqohKEYS5hxQ?guided_help_flow=3 , The rat race fugitive , I just reserved the name , but by the end of the week I will make my first video. It is going to be shit , I don´t own anything that could make it high quality or have a know how , but until now I used that as an excuse , no more , that channel will grow as I grow. It is going to be my video journal , as I will mostly talk about my plans or moves that I made to get out of this insane , chasing Pokemons , making terror attacks , doing coup d etat , world and hopefully other people will learn from me how to do it , or how not to do it , either way , I just want to spread some peace and love and happiness , I´m tired of this shit , of this greed , ego... I just want to meet and connect with people like myself , with people like on this site. I don´t know shit , I´m an egoistic son of a bitch and I realized that I´m not open minded. I did a little bit of this work and I gave myself right to levitate above other people. Well , I don´t know anything , my mind is blank , that guy is dead , died in an office ,here is this new guy. He is walking disaster , but he has a heart of gold and wants to learn ,wants to grow and want to help others , he is so stupid that he belives in humanity. So I'm terrified that my first video is going to be crap and I am afraid of get financially hit to live my dreams , but I am more afraid of this that I´m living now , so I´m no longer saying " I´m gonna do this" , now I´m doing it. It´s on , peace , till tomorrow.

Leipzig-Berlin-Dresden-Prague-Český Krumlov and now home. Nice vacation ,sorted some thing ,got some ideas ,but...it was a long trip ,tomorrow is a new day and after all this traveling ,it´s time to make an escape plan from the horrors of the ordinary living

Had beautiful day with my parents in Leipzig ,just watching the city... to many things to say here so maybe later ,the real important deal I told my father all of the things he didn't know ,about the day that destroy me and about my need to change and unplug from this world ,go another way. I guess things are now in motion... Aside from that , this life ... this planet.... beautiful. It fucking is!

....GO!!! ZzzZZZzzzzZZzZZzz... 24.6. ,the day that I designated to change ... and I fell asleep the moment I got home. That day was just another day at the office. And today , well ,cleaning the apartment. My parents are coming today and then 10 days of living , exploring Leipzig ,Berlin ,Dresden and Prag , I think I deserved it , well ,I could go deeper into "deserving" but , there is just to much shit to do today and time flys so fast ,so next time. Found some webpage ,where you can work for food and accommodation around the world and work 4-5 hours a day helping someone ,while chilling in another country and after working/helping you can do whatever you want ,like grow a Youtube channel or blog ,so yeah , I think I will pursue that. This alternative , I don´t think that is living. I look at the people on the train station in the early morning and those faces... shit , we are the walking dead ,the life wasters ,here but not here. Exciting and fucking scary times are ahead. Anyways , back to cleaning...*sigh*

Tomorrow could be the last day at my work....funny feeling. Just have to try and not do something stupid like quit before 3 weeks of paid vacation. Aside from that , I started to act like I quitted my job and that I´m moving on and , I feel good , I feel great. Migraines are gone and now I can see that there are a lot of opportunities in this world. I expected that I would do more until this 24.6. , that I designated as a turning date , but still , I took a lot of hits and it will take some time to recover from them , but here I am , still fighting ,still believing and now I guess it is time to do something I never did and step down from this rat race. I decided that between being happy for reals and projecting to be happy so that other people would envy me , I´m going for being happy. That means that I'm not going to be socially and financially "successful" , that means I will never get my revenge on the people (Exes) that hurted me ,that means that my ego is going to starve and I will probably not leave a legacy behind. I see beauty in this life that I took for granted before ,simple things like color ,rain ,that sparkle from the sun on the waters surface ,smell of the flowers ,loving openly and unconditionally without wanting anything in return and just being open and vulnerable. But I´m not vulnerable ,there is power in it , there is more fear and cowardness in "Men don´t have emotions" and acting like it. I took Leo´s advice on feelings ,when I have bad feelings to just let them flow through my body ,not fight them. Great advice ,they go ,they return ,but fighting them is what does the damage. I just love living ,living is beautiful and now when I know what I want and have courage to pursue it ,it's even more beautiful and exciting. And now ,it´s time to be a powerful ,unstoppable ,positive force in this world of ours. But I will first start by wearing unpaired ,diffrent color socks... got to start somewhere ,it´s as good start as any I guess Ready ,steady...

Update... this knife and a pot thing put me in a really good mood , couldn't stop laughing at my own stupidity and then started to crack jokes , posted it on fb so that everybody knows how stupid I am , cracked jokes with them and all of a sudden , my headache was gone. I spend whole day rolling on my bed , trying to force my self to find a way out just to figure that that is too hard , get depressed and roll all over my bed. And now I have found a hostel position in Portugal , volunteering ,but free accommodation and food , 20/h a week work and I have applied. It´s perfect , food , roof over my head , new experience , don´t have to go back to my parents and be a drag to them and have enough free time that I can, without pressure, work on my youtube/blogging career. It´s crazy ,it´s stupid to change a good paying ,secure job and schooling for a non-paid work in a Hostel where they can only teach me how to climb and surf. Actually , it would be crazy not to do it! Wish me luck! I need this!

Total.... mental....breakdown. But don´t take my word for it ,just look at this picture After eating crap food ,because instead of cooking I choose to lie on the floor and cry , I manage to pick my self up ,get my ass in the park and just relax in nature ,returned home and decided to make some spinach and fish. It´s hard to explain how one goes from " I´m going to use this pot to make some spinach" to "Fuck the pot is melted to a knife". but I did it. And if you are more observant ,you will see that there is this bright light despite shutters or in this case ,a shutter ,because I broke the other one ,about 3 minutes after gluing a pot and a knife becuase I was so angry and frustrated trying to repair it and then there was this fly and... I guess you can connect the dots. Key words to help you out are: Fly ,kill ,rug ,window ,shutter ,excessive use of force. Enjoy ,best story wins a like. Anyways ,yeah ,this picture is my mental state and it actually is the best part of the day ,because ,when realization of what just happend kicked in , I started to laugh ,it´s funny ,I´m mean I created a potknife or knifepot ,a multi tool that is good at neither. 2 days and then a vacation and then I end this torture ,this pain ,this miserable existence , never again an office job ,never again!

Almost there ,just 3 days to survive... I'm on my breaking point but it´s there ,I can feel it I can see it ,the finish line 24.6. I feel like a ship that is on fire ,in several positions...and is also flooding ,while being under fire...while running only on skeleton crew. That´s what I have been doing this past few days ,just putting out fires. I had heavy migraines last week so thankfully I didn't work ,being sick and all ,but even in my freetime my head was in this disabling pain and every sound was 3x ,4x louder and I hated everybody that was doing any sound at all ,so I guess my body ,my nervous system ,my...well everything... is saying to me "things got to change". So this 3 weeks of vacation are going to be very busy ,trying to dig myself out of this hole.And I need to do it fast ,if this headaches are any sign ,it means I've reached my limit. But on the positive ,I´m fighting. Yesterday before bed time I decided to run down things that I love in life and boy ,after a hard start ,things just come pouring out , I love life ,love it too much to give some petty job the power to destroy all that and turn me to hate. No way Jose (you read J as H ) But I´m on below 17% body fat...yeeeey me!

20 February ,the day I started this journal. That day I wrote that I want to dance in the rain. 14 June...done! erledigt! odrađeno! I had quite a day ,very intense ,from high to low and back and then as I was riding the train I looked at the clouds that were forming ,remembered my wish and thought , I wish it would rain ,heavy rain. There is a long way back home ,without any cover ,just you know ,I hate rain ,well I use to ,wanted to see how far I went. So it started to rain and I stepped off the train and boy... it was so uncomfortable.I was actually disappointed in myself ,no idea what I thought it would be like. After a couple of minutes , all of a sudden ,I just relaxed. And then started to smile and dance ,well attempted dance ,I´m bad at dancing ,it would be a crime to call that a dance ,but it was and I was skipping ,like a little girl. It might be crazy ,it might be stupid ,I might catch a cold (I wish ,so I don˙t have to go to work) ,but I know I will remeber this day forever. I was soaking wet ,but it was worth it ,it really was ,had this strange connection to nature ,the sound of the rain going through the trees ,the moments of "safe zones" when passing under the trees ,some memories from my childhood surged back. It was a good day ,that moment annihilated the bad day at the office.

August the 5th... day that I designated as the day I quit. This is unsustainable ,I have no clue how I´m going to survive this week. I´m just 12 days away from vacation. I'm on an emotional roller coaster and it is time to get of the ride ,I had enough ,time for some risk ,just need to hold on a little longer.

From mental breakdown to making an intro video for my channel Yup , had a complete mental breakdown. On Monday I ate a Kebab and all 6 remaining ice creams that I had and on Thursday I snapped completely ,every sound was so loud and there was this colleague that I wanted to grap for her head and connect her head with the table ,disconnect and connect ,disconnect and connect also known as bash her head on a table. Ate some fried meat that I bought in a local Netto and chocolade wafels and today didn't go to school. Tomorrow I´m going. And as I was reverting to my old ways I went for a walk and found this little gem of a place for meditation: I need to learn photography or photoshop ,that blinding color is a lake... Anyways ,after that ,back to healthy food ,workout and a lot of editing ,preparing material for my first video and in the mean time I made an intro for the channel

Hahaha , I still am , but don´t really care anymore ,complaining is not going to get me far ,will it?? I´m usually the happiest person on planet , when it comes to Saturdays and Sundays , you know after work outs ,playing guitar ,meditation and walk in the nature. Other days am "tortured" but that´s because the S-Bahn (Die verspatung Express) failed to come on time today for the 18 time in the row (but who is counting?? ) I just came here today to write ,that I think ,that my journal is the worst possible example you could read about self actualizing , with my jo-jo mood and always doing things my way ,the ultimate hard way. But that is all I need in this life ,a dream to chase and to have a vent for may creativity with which I'm blessed (cursed) and I´ll be happy ,don´t really ask for much when I think about it. But thanks for your comment , @Anna Konstantaki ,it made me smile.

Busy ,busy ,busy I took that Youtube project quite serious and now I also enlisted my best friend to help me out. I have made a lot of concepts ready ,ideas and have finally figured out how recording software works ,the one I have (will need to upgrade if this thing starts to roll). I still have lots of ups and downs , but I weather them much better ,now I don´t judge myself when I fall and buy that bloody KFC bucket or eat an ice cream ( I didn't buy a bucket ,but you know what I mean) and when you don´t judge yourself you rise back up quickly. When I judge myself then I think" you suck ,what´s the point" My body fat is stable at 17,2% and my plan for this next 3 weeks is to lower it below 17%. I feel short from my plan of 15% ,but hell ,I feel great ,I look better , I feel stronger and my habits stick. I prepared some footage and this week I will try to combine it into a video ,a trailer/demo for my channel. That meant I had to play games. But before playing them , I meditate (first thing in the morning) ,worked out , cooked (keeping my health eating habits) , take daily walks around the lake , played my guitar. I gotta admit , I am surprised by myself. From the moment I got this idea from my friend about making this channel together ,I avoid playing games ,afraid of going back to old days , but my will power is stronger and I play to get the footage I need ,or to test recording ,FPS and how it´s going to work ,I approached this professionally and keep on doing my new formed habits that make me happy and better. I guess I know that if I fall and play video games all day I will a mount to nothing and have my miserable job to give me income so I could play games. But ,making a youtube channel about gaming and earning money from it , I will learn on my own terms ,I will be my own boss answering only to myself ,have that autonomy that I so much want to do ,work when I want ,take a break in the middle of a day and just go outside and meditate and then continue my work ,it´s the dream , plus , being able to convert my creativity into reality. Now I have something to fight for and it´s big ,just like Leo recommands ,it´s so big that it sounds crazy to be achivable and it scares the living shit out of me ,but I´m gonna do my best. That´s all I can ask of myself and can´t wait for the day when I will be able to put a link here ,show my creation in it´is all imperfect ,just started to learn this shit ,glory and maybe even inspire some of you to also chase your biggest dreams that seems impossible. Wish me luck, this is not an easy money ,youtube channel is a job ,but hell of a better then sitting in an office!!!

Everytime that I work , start to write something or just ride a bus/tram/train to work I always ask my self?? How do people do this?? And I know the answer. Numbing down. Comfort food , cigarettes , TV ,games ,sex... numbing down. I wasn't happy with my work before , but I truly become miserable after changing my life style. Without comfort food ,TV or games and being left with my own thoughts , there is this voice. You can do and should do ,better then this. So yesterday I had a bit of a mental breakdown. Not the first one ,nor the last. But I also today made my first video for Youtube. It´s not published because it's crap. Well it was just a test. I am still trying to complete 90 days detox , but I logged in into a game to make a record and try to edit it. I don´t know how to call it , did I just broke my detox?? It wasn´t really gaming , per se , I did a short 10 min record , logged out and went to edit it. Didn´t return to play ,because I don´t want to play , I want to do something I never did. Risk everything and actually do what I want. Office job is a slow death for me , I can feel my soul dying. This is my way out. Well , I guess you got to be careful what you wish for , since I did said I would like to go out of this world fighting ,so I guess , I'm declaring war on my bloody luck and time to go down in flames of glory ,fighting ,not complaining. Every month I put a plan for that month , for this one , it´s very simple. Survive ,do your best to pick yourself up as soon as possible when you fall , try not to do something stupid , do your best to keep the new habits and do a trailer (demo) video by the June the 24. And then... then the real battle starts ,this is just the beginning. (But I look forward to quitting my job).

I think I'll go insane or maybe I am there already... I don´t have much luck in my life , actually , I don´t have any at all... no matter how much I try I fail , every time. I don´t have problem with failing. I have problem with how I fail and I fail because of circumstances that I have no control of. When I want something I go for it and I always get close , so close that I can taste it and then ,something happens. When i went to work on a cruise ship I was looking forward to seeing the world , interesting places. Everybody I know who went to work on a ship had a free day in Miami before joining the ship. I landed little after midnight and takes off towards my ship same day at 6 in the morning. No sleep , no Miami for me. Got on the ship , Carnival Triumph had great itinerary but I worked 10 till 10 , so couldn't go out. With my shifts change ,the ships route changed. Galveston-Cozumel , Galveston-Cozumel and Galveston-Progreso-Cozumel and repeat. That was the ships itinerary all the way till it became known as the "poop cruise" No need to say that everybody on that ship were depressed. For every job that I went to interview , I got it , all except the one I wanted. tourist entertainer. We had elimination training. I was the last they kicked. Everybody they kicked had a warning talk and then was sent home. I was just sent home. I am also very cold when I need to turn my back and walk out of someones life because the number of times that a girl that I liked thought I was great....great friend, is unbearable. The firm for who I work here was great , it started to go downhill when I got the job also I have a long commute time , so to help me with that, my luck also decided to surround me with road construction works. In a 9 months that I have been here there were 9 road construction works between me and my job and school. And now , as I was looking forward to going with my parents to Berlin ,Dresden and Prague I got news that my grandparents are ill and it is probably going to be cancelled. The only thing keeping me from resigning is that I want to give a great vacation to my parents and see this great cities...but no , not me. After a half of year of being alone , spending 9 hours at a job you hate ,4 to commute to and from it and going to school where I´m the worst since I´m broken , defeted ,tired and my German is at a too low level to follow the class and now my social worker also said that I am pretty much on my own... My plan for Prague was also cancelled this March as a friend with whom I started to plan it in December just said... I will actually go home ,so the other guys just backed of it. And 3 weeks ago I had a plan to go to a local theme park to ride a roller coaster , my 2 friends also came here... it rained that day. This trip with my parents was the only thing keeping me , the only thing I used to get my positive energy and I was winning. I even ,finnaly ,mediatated out side , by the lake. I never get what I want , no matter how much I try and even when I fail I try some more and it doesn't just fail , then it blows in my face. I´m tired ,I wish I was never born , I just want to give up. Don´t mind losing from time to time , but all the time , no matter how much effort I put. And not to mention that I feel like shit , because I´m so selfish that it took me actually couple of minutes to thing " oh my grandparents are sick and old , this might be it for them". What I thought first was "of course they are , anything just that my wishes don´t come true". What´s the point.... and today I actually feelt great ,was great ,had great ideas and planned to write a great and positive journal...

And tomorrow is my trip to Dresden and the talk with my social worker. The talk where I want to say that ,when the next year comes... I don't intend to be in my firm and I will ask for another kind of job , more suited for me , creative. I would still like to have a job for some time since I figure it will take a year before I will see some income from youtubing... and coming to that. I did a lot of my research and found some solid free programs for recording and editing , I am downloading them right now and plan to test them sooner than later. Which also leads to. I will probably end my no playing games streak because I need to see if my laptop is going to be strong enough to run recording and game in the same time and keep that nice HD picture. My research has found out that this free programs are capable of doing HD picture and that this resolution is very important if I want people to keep coming back. I have a lot of questions ,fears ,excitement and doubts about this little project of mine. Questions like: Can I really do it?? Am I now going to be a part of the problem?? If this is going to be successful I am going to be an entertainer whose videos people are going to use to distract themselves and not work on themselves. My dreams , my free time that I intend to use on self actualizing and building an extraordinary life are going to be built on some poor sod that are going to watch me after a hard day at work , thinking...someday ,someday , but my videos are going to be just another obstacle ,a distraction. Probably I´m overthinking this and now I have to start building connections in this world , comment on forums ,get recognized , learn how to edit and record and most important , still work on my self. I watched all of the Leo´s videos about productivity , it helped me a lot and now I'm watching his motivation videos. And that is also helping me fueled for this endeavor , because it's not going to be easy and it will take years to be able to live just of the youtube and it is ,after all a job ,you do have to work , the only thing is , you do it on your own terms , for yourself and is actually something I would love to do. Anyway , cross your fingers for me , that my resolve stays strong tomorrow as I ,this time , push my agenda and not fold , like the last time. Thanks for reading!

Day 46/90 Gaming detox - I´m no math genius but I would stick my neck here and say...3/4 done... I mean , half way done... That also means , only 26 more days until June the 24 which is a date I picked as a date when things will change and change they will. Irony , about 10 months ago I bought a brand new laptop and I bought a bit expensive one just so that I could play games. Majority of it´s current lifespan I tried not to play games...(which could of been avoided by buying a cheap laptop that couldn't run them) just that as I was passing my gaming detox threshold to develop an idea about multimedia (youtube,blogging,social networks) platform about a topic that I know...gaming. Honestly I don't really want to make content about games ,but I have a few friends that want to do it and I see it as an opportunity to do a creative work , build an audience , with time build nice passive income and later down the road with know-how and audience , do something more. I see this as a great option because I know now that there is no job that is going to keep me happy , I want to change them , experience as much as possible ,no employer wants to employ that. And I can do it since I minimized my life regarding material things. Simply put.... I don´t want them ,what I want is: rules free environment , flexibility , creativity , working anywhere in world ,maybe editing on my laptop in the middle of the park ,build ,I so much want to build something , learn in my own way in my own pace ,no confinement. I did a lot of research and... pay is going to be miserable for 2-3 years , depending how long it takes to build audience and that´s why the time is now. There are more of us , we can get content out while still keeping our main income (Mordor...oh I mean job) and I know my audience. Anyways , for this next 4 weeks I intend to make a battle plan , I have so many notes , ideas , legal matters... I really went into deep here and this project excites me so much that I even wrote a song on my guitar. I haven´t done that in ages , since I got here in Germany. This place , my job and my mental state did not give my creative juices to flow ,but now they are back and I love it , this is who I am. I know it´s right. But there are many things that I have to learn and in that time I will complete my 90 day detox and approach gaming purley professionally and use it to build and get my self some autonomy and to continue my self actualization as well. If there are people interested in youtube I could start also journaling more in depth about this journey in general. I will be spending less time here and I have my own personal journal now ,also I am on 6 month without a vacation in a foreign country in a very stressful situation trying to manage work ,school ,private life and this , so my plan until 24 of June is: Survive and try to learn as much as possible (but look out after yourself) So yeah , if there are people interested, comment so I don´t write about it in vain. Peace

Don´t really know how to start today , so many things on my mind , but that is the point of this journal and it is really good at it , at just putting my thought out before meditation to make it easier to meditate. 5 , well , 4 more day´s until my monthly trip to Dresden. I am preparing to demand a new job , or some kind of change and it is going to be a very interesting talk ,as I founded out yesterday. 2 of my friend , one back from the German classes back home , have quit their jobs and this program altogether ,which would mean ,that I was not the unhappiest here. But I´m getting there , today during class , we were learning about taxes in Germany ,270 minutes of my life ,never to be given back to me. I was thinking about this system and about how much I don´t want to know this and then I realized that between me and a bear in a Zoo , there is no difference. We are both not living up to our potentials nor the way we were meant to live and we are both in a prison ,just he can see his , my is mental. At one point during that thought , there was a tear in my eye. And it is funny how our (I talk about majority of people on this forum) point of view is deemed crazy and this one is consider normal. Sitting all day in front of a box , hate Monday-Thursday , get drunk on Friday and hopefully lucky and live for weekend , just to get back to hating your life and convincing yourself , it´s how thinks work , everybody does it. I decided that silence is golden , I talk to much , from now on more work less talk , that excludes this journal ,course it is interesting from time to time to look back ,re-read. And also , today I ate yet another humility pie ,which was great couse. I have 2 mods. Either I´m the biggest piece of shit that ever walked this Earth or a god´s gift to female kind. Yup , insecure egoist ,great combination , goes along so well with my cynicism and sarcasm. I need to learn to just...be. I think more and more about death and actually it´s beautiful... death and that there is no meaning. I get motivated by it and when I die ,people will forget me , all of my fuck ups and embarrassing moments are just going to be gone , erased. For now it´s 29 days until the date that I set as a date for a change and it is 29 day´that I will spend in this mental prison of mine so that I can give my parents a vacation they deserve and honesty. No wonder people don´t self-actualized , Leo was right in on of his latest videos , it´s so hard and painful to implement this changes in your life when society is built around screwing you over and dragging you back into the dirt. Sometimes I wish I was stupid , that I never stumbled upon this site and wish that I didn't commit to doing this and just give up. But that is not how I roll. Time for my meditation , this one is going to be a though one.. Peace

So yesterday was great , usually Monday´s kill me , the job and all but I didn´t give it to control me. Today back to basics... and I kinda screwed my self over , but it´s okay. Only 31 day to go until my vacation and I searched for jobs today... during my job and as I said I screwed myself over cause I found a few but I cannot apply because in 31 days my parents are coming here and we are going to Berlin ,Dresden and Prague and everything is already reserved. But I don´t feel trap no more ,I have a choice and I know when the 2017 comes knocking I won't be there anymore. I love life too much right now , it´s amazing. After I got cheated I build a fence around me that was surrounded by a wall , make that 2 walls and a Great wall of China ,with shield generators powering up the energy shield around those wall that was protected by yet more walls ,barbed wire ,electric fence , minefields ,bloodhounds and another set of walls along side the coast , because I was on an island. And I´m breaking them now. It´s funny but this vulnerability has made me feel stronger and more alive then ever ,feeling ,just feel. I remember when I notice the change 2 months ago. When I for the first time since ,god only knows when , smelled the flowers ,enjoyed the feeling of a sun on my skin and fresh air and beautiful sky and magical clouds. And I notice me noticing it all and my first reaction about that was... gaaaaaayyyy. Fuck it , I´m not a macho guy ,I´m not trying to be , I´m trying to be happy and I believe I can do it. I faked it , but now I believe. Thursdays would usually just kill me , but today I smile , I walked back home (cause my train was late as always) and I singed,I didn't get angry as I usually do when train is late ,pacing up and down the platform , I just... I don´t know how to explain it , I believe that I can find it , what am looking for. I´m no longer trapped on my job , I do it voluntarily now. I´m fighting it for another 31 days and then I will get what I always wanted , what my soul wanted ,a redemption. I started opening up to my parents and as always ,they support me , like they always did , they want me to find happiness , no matter what it is and that is why I want to give them the best vacation ever and the truth...they deserve it , they don't know about my heartbreak ,they know nothing , I hid it from them just like I hid it from the world and let it ruin me. But I´m ready ... well I´m not , but you know what I mean. It's enough of victim mentality and talking the talk but not walking the walk. Today I had a bit of shift in my thinking , as I was riding the train , we got to a station and some people that were already in another train saw you and knew that it was late and that it will go immediately and run into our train. I believe that we don´t really have a choice and sometimes I experienced "destiny" as things would miraculously arrange them self in the most perfect way for me and maybe , my train being late today , was one of those days for another person , maybe my train being late meant that somebody got on time because of it. And if that was the case I´m okay with it... if it wasn't the case , then I'm probably started to lose my mind!

And one more day added to gaming detoxing , german lessons and workouts , with addition of a fully read book on German... I love life , it rains ,I will get wet tomorrow and I don´t care , rain is beautiful , it feeds this beautiful world of ours... I just love life... (no I´m not taking any drugs)

Day 39 -Gaming detoxing Day 24-doing German lessons Day 2-30 day´s abs challange (I finished with 30 day planking challange) So 10 days without updating my journal. There is not much to write about since I am very low energy , actually , I'm exhausted.I keep working on my priorities and it is going good but I'm also watching too much youtube , distractions ,distractions ,distractions.I have dropped so many things that I want to do because of the psychological pain that my job and school inflicted on me and that pain is really real. It´s like I have a two personalities or bi-polar. I´m in the same time the happiest that I have ever been (my free time) and the unhappiest that I have ever been (my job and school). I´m just swinging back and forth and trying to survive this next 5 weeks until my 3 week holiday which is going to be a challange and is probably going to decide in which direction I will go. I will be going back to Croatia and for 2 weeks again live in my old place with my parents and we humans sometimes associate our behavior with the place. Will I get distracted because I will live with two more people in an apartment and not have the flexibility to do whatever I want ,whenever,and just fall back to gaming and eating shit or will I use that time wisely and think about my whole situation. I desperately need that break , I´ve been running non-stop since March last year and since February I have been so unhappy with my job that it messes with my head. The more I do this work the more I question what do I really want. It´s like all my wishes and dreams were influenced by others , by society. I can understand why so many people ,now a days ,just go the fuck out to the wilderness and live off the grid.

And this is why I love this journal!!! I put my thought on the paper and then they are true. I started writing one thing and ended with a little battle cry at the end , which pushed me to go do my German today , which pushed me to instead of watching some crap to distract my self to see a new video from a guy who makes videos about learning languages , he speaks quite a lot of them , give sound advice and after every of his videos I get pumped out to learn more then I intended. And then , there it was... a glorious , precious , creative idea... and all of the sudden the headache is gone ,mood is up , motivation on the green and ready and here I am in a working mode. It just goes to show that idea is more powerful than anything in this world! Keep writing this journals , keep meditating , keep fighting people!!