misko55

You go look at that cat , you are not emotional - my mother said to me. It was around 2004-2006 , can´t remember the year , but I do remember being proud of that sentence as I went outside to look at some cat that dropped from the roof and was slowly bleeding out by the building. She wanted me to check out if the cat is dead , if it is not , then she would call the people that take care of animals. I was proud of that , my own mother thinking that I don´t have emotions. I got there , emotions are a weakness and I went all in to be as emotionless as possible. Today I watched the Dead poets society ,a movie that just a year ago wouldn´t interested me. I knew that someone dies and that it has a somber tone, but I had no interest in it , it is not a war movie or a comedy. I have never felt so many emotions during a movie , with great acting and message from the late Robin Williams.So many scenes I recognized from my life ,emotions , I smiled during the beginning of the movie and almost cried at the end of it. I wanted to watch it since I am trying to be a writer , I have been writing everyday for the past couple of months. I don´t write about it here , but I am bidding for freelance writers jobs (and not getting them) , I am learning about writing , entering writing competitions and watching movies about writing or creativity and this one popped in my head today and I am not sorry that it did. Great movie , I would like to say that I wish I seen it sooner , but I know now that I wouldn't get it then. Who I was no longer is who I am and who I am about to be. A year ago I was the guy who plays the guitar and is going to live in Germany , as I gave people the answer to the question what I do. 6 months ago I was a student that speaks 3 languages and plays the guitar.A month ago , I would say "I exist , I am an exister". And from the last week I call myself -an expert beginner ,competent survivor and a hopeless dreamer- Somehow people react quit well to it. There is so much to say , but I just wanted to capture this moment after I have watched the movie and now I will return to my writings.They are my passion ,my joy and I have fallen in love with the written word , with the subtle difference between them , the emotions and pictures they carry and the power that sometimes scares me. Tomorrow I might be back to complaining about this society or a job I will have to take , but everyday , little by little , I love myself some more and after years of hating myself and punishing myself for not being like the others, for not being what the system wants me to be , for never finding a joy in a meaningless work , I now realize , I am not the only one and there is nothing inherently wrong with me or people like me. And today , I am an expert beginner , competent survivor , hopeless dreamer , great musician and ... and a writer. But I still got to figure out how to avoid cliches. Have a good one all of you lost souls out there!

Being mindful of your own behavior is a funny thing. It helps you to better know yourself and shows you some of the triggers in your life. Now as someone who was depressed for years and finally seeing the end of the fight , I have one big trigger that gets me back every time. The system , jobs , bureaucracy. How do you fight that?!? So this morning I got of to a good start , finding and registering for some of the websites for freelancers and I put my first bid on a novice writing job to get me started. My days are spent writing , planning and learning about writing and I love it! Some of this exercises in creative writing that I do , I got lost in them , for hours , just writing and all I want is to put them on-line for people to read. So I went from this very happy and motivated place to hating my life. What happend? Well , bureaucracy! Tomorrow I have a meeting at employment agency about my request for unemployed monetary support. And that meant I had to do a lot of paperwork and boom! , just like that I was back to watching meaningless youtube videos , playing some flash on-line games and doing everything and anything, just not to be doing what I had to do and feeling like a shit in the process! How do you fight something so big like the system , how do you fight it in a world where 80% of the people hate what they do , but do nothing about it! How to fight it to end up victorious. Job , work , system , tell me this words and watch my mood fall , how to fight it? Become a nomad and travel? You still need visas for bunch of the places in this world so we can cross the imaginary lines on the maps that we drew. And just like that I feel down and misenchanted ,just like that I curse the fact I got born into this shitty world and just this morning it was awesome world. Everybody knows the Algerian prince scam but the most famous scam in the world is still going strong. Earn for a living scam.Slavers from 18 and 19 centuries are looking up on this from hell and hitting themselves in the heads... "ahhh , of course , it was so simple , give them the illusion of freedom... ahhh , why didn´t I come up with that , it´s so obvious". Life is a funny thing , if I came earlier today , just couple of hours earlier , I would write about rainbows and butterflies.

Doing pretty good , still quite professionally avoiding to get employed. I made some plans , what would it take and in which direction to go , to become a freelancer. I put it all on the wall (it looks like from TV series when a rogue detective still tries to solve a case that he is no longer suppose to work on). I call it "the wall of dreams". It is put by a watch , when I wake up I always look at it and now I see my dreams in a written form and that motivates me to work. I try to write for at least 30 min every day and work on the fine details about my plan for at least 30 mins , but of course I often do more , it is just for those lazy Sunday afternoons , to get my ass to do something , at least 30 mins. Along side that , I am looking into on-line marketing job freelancing , to get some serious cash while I build my dreams. As long as I don´t have to go on certain days , to a certain place on certain hours , I will be more than contend , despite the fact that I hate marketing. On more personal notes , I made lasagna , well I didn't do them alone but with Gina my language tandem partner , it is a little tradition to cook something. I helped her with writing an application for erasmus to US. So that was cool. And I went to a Street food festival with Marilena , but aside from that , I dropped my social life , I am happy with how it is right now. It was the best summer but now it is time to make sure that all of the next summer's are great , Springs , Autnoms and Winters as well! And the way to do it is by staying away from rat race and that prison we call work. The only problem I had this days was some desperate guy that wanted to hang out with me , just sending messages despite the fact that at one point I started to ignore them , he just gives me a funny feeling in a bad way. He is boring as hell and for the love of god I cannot figure why he wants to hang out so desperately , since I do not want to repeat the experience. Is this how women feel when they are chased by some stubborn needy guy?? Jokes aside , he pisses me off , every day sending messages " We should hang out" , "lets do this , lets do that..." , Ican´t even accept Facebook events from people because he immediately contacts me to say he will be there. The fuck is that??I started to wonder if he is gay or something , not that I have anything against them , but he knows I am straight and I just don´t get his behavior?? 26 years of experience of being a guy and having guys as friends I never encountered this aside from inexperienced men trying to get girls. Oh well , I guess , if that was the only problem I had this past few days , I have nothing to complain about , some people don´t have money for food , I just have some wacko who wants to be my friend. But , my article about my failed hitchhiking trip is finished , I edited it and now search the internet to find to whom I could sell it to and my friends have volunteered to read it before I start to pitch it.I feel excited about it , it might fail , it might me garbage , but I wrote it and with that in mind , I am moving forward , slow and steady , but forward. And , your learn from mistakes , so if I make some , what is the worst that can happen?? I will use them to improve and learn , I know that I don´t know as much as I thought I knew and I know that my opinions are just that , my opinions , possibly not true. So with that mentality , I think I am ready to at least start this journey!

Well ,again there are no games on this PC and I am getting more proactive , but I still look for distractions. Why now? Well , as I applied to a job agency ,they have showered me with paper work and shitty jobs and that one , the one that I wanted in the night shift, I cannot reach them by phone. They want people to apply exclusively by phone. My depression is back as I have a hard time to concentrate on my projects. And the reason why is simple but hard to admit. I am scared. This job thing is like a gun pointed to my head , that is how it feels , and I would rather have a gun point to my head for real then this. With a gun , if the trigger gets triggered , that is it , it is over , no more pain , just nothingness. I am okay with that. Getting a job is like dying to me , every aspect of dying, except for physical dying, is there. Just re-reding the beginning of this journal , it was just me , complaining about my job and stating how much I hate it and then I quitted and I was happy. And now , we are back here , I am trying to build up some kind of passive income , but it takes time and time is draining my money reserves and here we are. Fuck! And I can´t use distractions , I used games to distract myself from this shitty system and shit it throws at us , but now I can´t use it since I tasted the real life and I loved it! Games are boring and repetitive and so are the TV series and most of the movies as well. And life... life is awesome!! I don´t want to give that up , don´t want to give up on my dreams , don´t want to give my most valuable resource -time- for some paper shit and some digits on some computer screen.I don´t need a bucket load of money , I just want a roof over my head , food and a lake near by , freedom ,way to express myself and contribute to the humanity in a more meaningful way. Job scares the living shit out of me. The pain of wasting your time on shit you don´t care about for an asshole who things you should worship him/her like a diety for giving you an opportunity to exchange your lifes time for bearly enough money and don´t get me started on the excruciating pain on not living your dreams and your potential and next level of depression that comes with every fucking birthday that reminds you , that you just lost a year and you haven´t move an inch forward. And that is all still nothing comparing to just giving up , giving to the system. When you are basically dead , just waiting for it to become official. Fuck this shit , sometimes I really wish for an asteroid to hit us , I think we deserve that , and restart everything. Just look at the US presidential race. One person has actually said that it better to vote for Hillary as she is a cookie with 10 raisins inside , you just need to eat 10 of them , while Trump is nothing but raisins.Shouldn't we have an option to go for a chocolate chip cookie? Well , I guess Sanders was to progressive for an average brainwashed American and now the rest of the world will suffer alongside them. And the fact that will be actually voting against the other candidate by giving the vote to the other is why we can´t have nice things. Yup , I didn´t even got a job and I am already in my "happy mood"... ah well...

And I kicked it , my biggest addiction of the past 2 years War Thunder lasted 2 days on my PC before I recalled all of the time "invested" or better put wested into the game so I uninstalled it at with World of Warships , it looked it would stay , but then some asshole team damaged my ship and I returned the favor and realized... I don´t want to be like that idiot , so thanks to him I uninstalled it as well. I had a huge addiction on Football manager , lasting 4 years and crippling me heavily , that was the time period I got fat and depressed. But I kicked it with switching to those browser games , playing some football manager there unitl I got bored and never came back to the game , so I have decided to do the same with gaming as I play a browser game , it is not really playing , it is just trying to scam you out of money , which I do not have , so problem solved , worked once , it will work again. And while I am on the subject of worked once , it will work again , I am using the same tactics I used to kick McDonalds and Coca-Cola from my life , with sweets. I can eat sweets only if I have guests or I am offered. But I will not be buying them , only sugar I will be getting, is from fruits! Aside from that , gaming did what gaming does best , I procrastinated this few days , but now I am slowly starting up again. I guess I needed a brake. Had it , didn't like it , let´s get back to work. And work , yes , the thing that triggered me back to playing games , since that is my escape from the harsh realities of this fucked up system we are living in. I am now trying to get a job. And this job is shit , it is in a casino and the job is to be a waiter. But it has a big , big thing going for it that I want it. It is a night shift , and I love those! It gives me the whole day , of course , I would have to sacrifice sleep , but I don´t mind it. Also , I am a night person! It would give me opportunity to take German classes during the day , still have a social life , work on my open mics and other projects and since it is a night shift , you get more money for it. With this job in 3 monhs I could double what I manage to save in a year , in a YEAR! And doing it for 6 months would triple it , giving me money to invest in myself. This is the best paycheck I will get for this shitty job. If you do this job during the day , money is terrible and there is a lot of work , but during nights , there is not much to do , it is more relaxed , higher chances of getting tips and better pay. Of course , there will be drunk assholes , but I can take care of that , I have experience. And after quitting the job , in Germany , you get 60% of what you earned on Arbeitslosgeld I , which is easier to get then II , but I had to apply for the second one , since my earnings was 450€ , so that makes 280€ with which I cannot live , but this job would pay 1700€ and with 60% of that , not only that I can live , I can save money and do nothing but concetrate to get that passive income coming with taking no risk. So yeah , all of a sudden , I want this crappy job!

It was a long week! I did all of the bloody bureaucracy for my unemployment status, but hey , now I am at least getting enough money from the state that I do not have to worry about roof over my head or food and I dealt with my health insurrance , which is always good , since we can never know what can happen. I contacted my parents to convey that message to them so they do not worry and told them that I am generally happy and that is the true , to a degree. I am happy , I have learned a lot , I do German every day , I read a book in that damn language and I dealt with all of the bureaucracy on my own , also I finally have a social life I always wanted and that has made me very happy ,since , this are all very ,very great people that I have surrounded myself with. I have a language tandem with Gina , the girl I meet when I went to the lake with Silvia earlier this year and we made a nice little tradition of not only practicing German (for me) and English (for her) in a stress free environment but we always cook something interesting during the process , who would of guessed that cooking could be fun? Not me! I have also learned a lot of new songs on my guitar , I am also teaching couple of people how to play it and I learned new techniques as well and have writen a story about my backpacking that I will try to sell in a few days online. And regarding writing , I attended stand-up and open mics here in Leipzig , in english and I am preping myself to try myself in it , I always wanted to. Doing stuff on my plans , I have a couple of ideas for a business that could sustain myself without working for somebody else. Sounds really good , doesn´t it? And all of my favorite TV series are starting now and are about to start and I have no interest in them. None what so ever , I only watch Brooklyn 99 , since , it really is funny and good , but all the rest , I am not even tempted. And this is where the problem comes in. I´ve been pushing myself out of my comfort zone for about 3-4 months and I have been running around full speed and the fatigue is catching up with me. Alongside with all that , I have spend a lot of time perfecting some of my skills and now after months of doing it regularly , I am getting bored.And I am a summer person , my energy always lowers itself when the skies turn grey and temperature low and water starts to fall from the sky ,also known as rain. No longer can I go for those much needed walks around the lake or a quick swim in it , that kept my energy controlled. After 2 months of not playing video games , my cravings for it have come back and I have battled it for a week or two , but now I am losing as I am downloading a game as I write this. I may not play it , I hope , as I do remember that majority of my time playing games wasn't really "happy times" as much as killing time and a distraction.Last time I folded I played games for two weeks before quitting again , maybe I just need to remind myself why I stopped. I am more annoyed with myself then worried , I am actually not worried , I know that with all of the positive things happening , I will not be glued to a monitor , I am very excited about everything I am doing ,but I guess after a hectic summer like this , I need a little break. I want to be this awesome self-developed person without a single bad thing , but I guess , right now , I am concentrating too much on this one negative aspect of my life and giving it to much of a attention. So lets concetrate that my next update here is: "I sold an article!!!" or "I did an open mic!" But man I miss that quick swim in a lake , it was awesome.

So I went to the employment agency and of course I forgot some document , so now I need to get that one and then report. I also hosted Leon , an american guy travelling through Europe looking for collages , it was a nice experience. You can meet a lot of new interesting people this way and tonight I will be also hosting someone. It wasn't my plan to do so , but he couldn't find a place to sleep and I do remember my two nights at a train station , accepted to host him. And also tomorrow I will meet with some Austrian girl from CS to show her the city , it kinda feels like trying to replace Silvia with her , at least I am aware of some of my behavior. Especially my overthinking and my bloody sentiment as today is a month since that great day at the lake. I kinda have a fight with myself right now , I'm procrastinating a lot , diverting my attention from more important matters , fighting not to eat badly again and today , for the first time since I quit , I wanted to play video games. But I will endure it. It is a bad spell , coming after having a great spell , which means , a great spell is just around the corner , just like the next bad spell , it is the life. Well , baby steps , in the moments like this , I can see my advancement , slow but steady as I am at least able to be aware of my self.

Long time no writing , well that is not true , I did write , just not here. I took my backpacking trip and went to Berlin to meet with Lisette , a Chinese girl that contacted me. And it was , well , interesting. It was the best defeat I ever had , yeah. Because it was great , I just bought a one way ticket and had no plan. For the first day I had no idea what to do or what to see , I realized I actually need other people to tell me what they want to see and me to go and find it , it is what I love to do , I love finding stuff , but on my own , I guess the sociaty got to me and without a plan or direction of going I had no idea what I was doing or suppose to do. I slept twice at the train station , first time after trying to sleep in the park , I stole toilet paper from KFZ , just in case , rode without a ticket in bus ,tram , S-bahn , U-bahn , charged my phone on the airport , it was definitely an interesting experience. I did meet Lisette in the end and showed her around Berlin , had a great time , learned a lot about myself and then went hitchhiking for the first time. First hitchhike was great until Kassel and then I couldn't stop a single car in two hours and decided , all tired , to go back to Leipzig and finally sleep for a night. I did used Couch Surfer and did manage to find a host for at least a one night and it was great , meeting new people , both my host and Timo , the driver that picked us up. But all good things come to an end and as I returned home and started planing to meet with Lisetta and Thilbaut in Munchen and continue the trip I got mail from my health insurance and I guess deciding that you don't like this system , does not make it go away. Tomorrow I am going to an employment agency to report and I looked at some jobs that are offered and , my stomach started swirling and my mood dropped like a hockey puck.I am currently writing about my story and I hope to sell it , hope that I can make some money that way ,also , meet a guy that offered me a job , he works form anywhere in the world , from his laptop. He is traveling and sustaining himself ,I am weary about it , sounds to good to be true , with passive income and it all , but I will get in contact with him , because , this job's , their description , just reading them , I want to buy a gun , a bullet and shoot myself. I also watched stand-up act yesterday and my whole life , I run in circles , but they are the same circles. I want to be a writer , in a band , a tourist animator , stand-up comedian , a blogger , a video creator. I need to pick one and go for it , because , all this jobs are creative and just an hour ago I was happy and then I went to employment agencies website to see what I can expect and now I want to cry. I cannot do it , I cannot hold an office job , I cannot watch my life slowly slip away , I have to fight , this thing I am writing , this travel article , this is my shot , I still need a job now , to get money and buy myself time , but it is now or never. It is an up hill battle not helped by the fact that I miss Silvia like crazy , two weeks and I still live in the past , thinking about the time spend with her , shit , got to pull myself back to now! At least during my travel I was in the now , but now , I get sidetracked to thinking about her and thinking like "fuck it is almost a month since we went to the lake and had a great day".And then I even get bored , despite the fact I have so much to do. But it was a great two months , I meet great new people , new friends , meet Silvia , made some of my dreams a realty , went out of my comfort zone , worked so much on myself and for couple of moments I was IN the moment , I was genuinely happy for a prolonged time like never before but money is running dry and we still live in the crazy ,unhappy world and after tasting all of this , there is no way I can go back and the battle of my life is about to commence. I hope I am ready.

Life writes amazing stories , happy stories , sad stories , sometimes mysterious stories , but amazing nevertheless... Just one more day before the last day on the job and I decided I will use this Couch Surfer website for the first time and just contact the first person I see, As we hugged for the goodbye yesterday ,that was the moment that crossed my mind ,as she entered my life so quietly and so randomly. It could of been anybody, it could of been a very bad experience that would make me doubt anything and everything I believe in. But it was her , with her damn smile ,positivity and broken English and damn her all to hell for making me miss her now. It is the moments like this that make life worth living , this bittersweet moments , that make you feel alive and letting go and not hanging on , is unfortunately , the only way to honor this moments properly. From all of the self-development that I did , this month and a half was the best , where I learned the most and I probably needed that hug more then I am willing to admit. Maybe it sounds a little bit pathetic , but that is the point , I don´t care , it´s my journal , it is my life and it´is my feelings , I own them all. It is moments like this that I see progress , where I used to be depressed , where nothing of this would happen and where I would hang to a moment ,latching it with both hands until I would destroy it , ruin it , I realized how far I have come. I may not be enlightened , I may skip a meditation here and there and I´ve got a lots and lots of work still to do , but: I L O V E L I F E ! ! ! I fucking love it!!! And I am so grateful for all the experiences that I was given and for all the amazing people that I have had honor and pleasure to meet and be part of their life , for at least a moment , this wonderful , inspirational people. People just like Silvia and how words allude me to describe her , Stefano that is buying me beer tonight so that this moment goes easier , Olivia that made a bit of fun of me how sweet it is how much I care for Silvia and let me crash last night at her place as there were no more buses home for me and this are just the people I meet recently. How fucking lucky I am to meet them , in this world of mediocrity and greed , I shared some quality time with some quality people. She entered my life so quietly and so randomly as I was on a turning point and exited with a bang making me a better and a stronger man in the process , thank you Principessa. I am really lucky

This moment I am desperately grasping holding it with both hands , like madman laughing but then I realise , I never lived it and never had it and it will never come back so i turn my head in shame slowly crying as that moment haunts me again The beauty in your eyes the light of a million stars when you smile something inside of me dies Dies because I will never live this again I want to be in this moment forever with you, detain I try to capture it with pictures ,with words but I only get a bit the memories the memories fade away as the time pass it was just a moment never meant to last The words fail me time and time again they are no longer from the heart they are coming from the brain But the brain doesn´t know the brain just doesn´t understand what made that moment special was feelings and a fear of pain The pain that one that was in love once can understand when the power to fuck up our day to someone special we foolishly and gladly give away But it is the human nature nothing we can do we never had a choice we never stood a chance me and you And it slowly comes to it´s end to say goodbye ,to you ,my friend life is nothing but a song that plays and when it ends the Earth doesn´t care it happily continues to spin away it spinned long before we were born and it will spin long after we are dead And no songs ,no movies ,no Instagram or facebook statues no poets ,no bards, no painters ,no acters could give that moment the justice it deserves my friend , you have one life enjoy it there are no returns

There are no useless entrys

64 most fascinating questions you could ask yourself?? Great! Just the video I needed , he said ironically! I can add even more , for me , this video reminded me of my thought about , how the fuck can we divide a day into 24 EQUAL hours. Why is Earth so mathematically correct? Why do we have 24 hours of 60 minutes each , why 60?? Why is it a round number , why not 53 minutes , why not 23 or 25 hours in a day. Why not 15 hours of 60 minutes and 9 hours of 59 minutes. Ahhh , when I put it here on the white , my thoughts look insane. I thought following Leo and learning about myself is going to GIVE me answers , but all it GIVES is just more damn question. I mean , I do see a difference. Tomorrow is my birthday and since 2010 when I got depressed I stopped celebrating them. Every birthday after that I was like "Great... I´m still here , fuck..." I didn't just mean , damn , I´m still alive and I wish I wasn't , but I was still HERE psychologically ,nothing changed. And this one , tomorrow , is different , I told people , I will celebrate it , as a matter of fact , I will celebrate it by going to a dinner with Silvia. And this was the best year I had. My last birthday was standard. No one knew , I was depressed , I was quite fat , spend the day eating bad food ,sweets , played some War Thunder and watched series. And now? People I just meet know that I have a birthday , I am stable ,I´m no longer depressed ,not really happy (but what is happiness?) I´m content , I have abs (I used to avoid going to beach , this year I spend it on the beach) ,I eat cooked and healthy (and even when I try to eat badly I feel sick after it , so what is the point) ,today is, I think, a month since I uninstalled video games and,this time around I don´t really miss them and what good series are playing now?? No idea!. And yet... I want more. And I´m still hungry for more , something to fulfill me. When I was going to that job , everyday I would wonder: "How do people do this?". And now I know. It´s easy to point your finger and say... there , that is the problem and I can´t solve it because , this is the way the things are. Isn´t that just what our teachers and parents tell us when they complain about their jobs. It is the way the world works!?! You are young , you will get used to it! But it is not , it´s just that freedom ,you know that word ,´merica has monopoly on it (fuck yeah!!!) ,has been distorted by all the bloody Hollywood movies. What freedom is , is 90% responsibility , if not even 100%. And having a job and a faulty sociaty is like , well I don´t have a choice , it´s not my fault ,my unhappiness is not my responsibility. It´s easier to put a blame on something else. I wonder do I want to be happy , I really do wonder that. Like... I really like my "noire" thoughts.I got this realization just this friday when Silvia opened up about herself and her fears and I instinctively tried to cut her from talking and one up her. I didn´t , I listened to her and did shair some stuff about me , but not in a way I usually do. When people talk about their bad experiences I try to one up them , like my was worse , there were times where I would exaggerate. Like I pride myself in being a fuck up , that is why I used word "noire" since I like to feel like those run down , ragtag ,down on their luck , but incredibly smart ,detectives form 1950/60 movies. And the best for last , as just yesterday I was thinking about this and thought crossed my mind. "Daniel , are you indoctrinated?? Are you really sure that you are not indoctrinated? Like isn´t watching Leo´s videos a way of indoctrination? If there is a parallel universe , is there somewhere a Daniel that fuckes everything that walks , hates blacks , is the first to show up for an anti-refugee demonstration and when someone says personal development , he says "GAAAAYYY" And Leo just mentioned that today. Coincidence? Hmmm Did I ever had a choice?? In anything?

My thoughts surprise me and my actions are... illogical. Am I who I am or am I acting as someone I want to be? Or am I someone who I am not but now is trying to become who I am supposed to be? Who the fuck am I? I know I´m not depressed , but not really happy , I know I´m not traped , but not really free , I know I have a crush , but don´t really care about the outcome. Does anything really matters? So yesterday was interesting , I went out with Silvia , she joined me after the work , just the two of us. She had a bad day and this arrangement didn't suited her , she was an hour late , but she did everything in her power to show up , I would of canceled it 5 times , but she showed up and stayed until 2 in the morning as the conversation dragged to a halt , but we both wanted to stay in the moment , just there , wanting to fully open ourselves to one another but still didn't since... well fear I guess. So we were there at 11pm , it was dark , there was music , we were on a blanket , drinks were there , sky was beautiful , she was opening up to me and then I threwed up... not really a Hollywood script I guess. And I was happy about it , I eat some crap and , I realized after changing my eating habits drastically , that I can no longer eat crap , I feel sick , I need good food , I can no longer eat a lot of meat. Or processed food. So I have this beautiful girl by my side , on a wonderful evening , with romantic music in the distance and we are pretty much alone , she is opening up to me and I'm throwing up for a whole minute if not two , thinking "this is it , this is how I die" and I´m happy , because , hey at least I sorted one thing in my fucking life...food! I think psychiatrists would have a field day with me. At the end of the evening she , like always, suggested that we see each other again and I took a lead , like always , and I´m taking her out for our birthdays , we are going for her favorite food. It´s funny , I see it in her eyes that she likes me , but that she is also not sure if I like her back ,she opened up , but she also lied ,not really lied ,but that white lie you say not to get hurt ,she is in a way equally afraid of me , like I am of her. It´s funny , I like her so much and I know it will not work , and it´s even more funny knowing that she likes me back and it still isn´t going to work , her and me , this is it, just a moment in time. For her it´s finding someone who finally understands her and for me... well , it´s personal development as I had a lot of problems with women , buying into society that women are this perfect , beautiful creatures that I was always putting on a pedestal and get hurt or friendzoned. But we are all just the same , little bit of a difference here and there , but mayor things , the same. We just roam this planet trying to find...something , something undefined , something our heart wants , something that voice in our head is whispering or something that society says... you should look for this. This is the something you are looking for. So yesterday , there was just this imperfect guy who is looking for himself , trying to make this romantic evening , throwing up his guts several times and almost collapsed as he escorted her home to make sure she get´s there safely and this imperfect girl that tried to play being a strong independent woman but sharing more than she intended as she almost went into tears in my lap , saying "I don´t know anything , I don´t know what I´m doing , why do I suck so much". And I learn so much about myself in that one evening , than my whole life , I guess , things do happen for a reason ,I don´t know ,maybe it´s just a bullshit we hang on to , like as Silvia went about our horoscopes and I know she will be googling our compatibility , hell , I was guilty of that as well in the past , I guess it´s so much easier to give your power to some "higher power" then to own your shit up. I guess it is hard to human... and yeah , I´m fun at parties

I have a high IQ... and no, this is not a egoistic sentence , but a true one. I do have a high IQ. I took a test , it was for deciding to which high school to go and passed as highly above average and I hate it. I wish I was stupid ,a simpleton. Kobayashi Maru , an unwinnable scenario.Unwinnable scenario-wouldn´t that be a definition of life. Since that day , it´s stuck in my head. You should be doing better , I see bloody idiots doing better then I , there is a pressure on me my whole life , from my parents...from me. But the doctor , she said to my father "this is not a completely good thing , being smart doesn't mean he will have an easy life , in majority of the cases it is quite the opposite" And boy she was right. That is why I wish I was stupid , just live in my own damn bubble , believing every bullshit story that media gives you , eat crap and believe that fat IS the new beauty standard as they turn you into a perfect consumer. My brain hurts me from all the fucking overthinking , not even meditation could shut it up , walk in a park or going for a swim , I´m all in my head. What are you doing for a living?Such an innocent question and yet it tells you all you need about our culture. I do my best work when I have limited time , too much time and I get lazy. That is why I made a sudden decision to quit and go out there , but no. I have an appartment lease contract and my quitting period is 3 months!!! 3 fucking months , to much time that is being wasted , to much time for my brain to think ,to much time for my brainwashing (School ,TV ,games ,Facebook ,news) to kick in and , yeah , having my 26 birthday in six days (I always get a bit depressed in this time of the year) and falling for a girl that is going to leave Leipzig in 9 days , and yeah , she has a birthday on the same day as I and her plan is for us both to celebrate it on 9.9. , her last day here , incidentally a birthdate of my first girlfriend that cheated on me and send me down a nice spiral of depression. See! Overthinking!Isn´t is just fun?!? And just this Sunday I was happy. How things change. But I guess being happy for a whole damn month was a bit to much and expecting it to last indefinitely was a bit naive from me , I guess there is no point in this self-development where it stops being hard and turns into smooth sailing. I have always question things , but after this months ,after everything I learned and experienced , I question apsolutly everything , I question myself , I question Leo and wonder if he is full of bullshit. Media , hell , if it was a sunny day and I can see it and read in a media that it is a sunny day , I would question it. Is this really living? Being in a moment made me happy , but now as I looked today for a job to do this 3 months , since I still live on this bloody planet and I need money, and here I am. Just a thought of a job , just a picture of a sterile office with two people staring in a screen with a smile , that standard bloody fake picture you always see as you apply for another time sucking , soul crushing job , sapped all of my energy and positivity , just like that. And does it matter? No it doesn't. It really doesn't matter what we do , Earth doesn't stop spinning when we die , jobs don´t close down when we quit , the sun and the moon have seen so many organisms just , come and go. A one sended application for a job and I wonder if this month , month that I was happy , when I went out and meet so many people and fell in love , and I question it all. Was I really happy ,or was it all just a distraction? And now I wonder if I am doing this personal development wrong ,is this really a personal development or just a midlife crisis as I am about to lose my best friend couse he keeps playing computer games and I lost interest in them ,as my heart wants to sell everything I have and go to Italy with a girl I know for a month and my brain is writing this and he has no idea what he wants to say with this entry today.Maybe rhis is just a cry for help. I think I am insane. Am I going to wake up tomorrow being sure that I am a chicken ,couse the way this is going , it could happen. High IQ my ass.

I fell , I fell fast and , hell , I fell hard. Yesterday was one of those days I just dreamed I will have. I re-read my journal and funny thing... maybe a little bit sad , maybe a mixer of both. I was always bad with relationships , coursed with jealousy and neediness. I wouldn't have problem attracting a girl , but later , when I would start to like her I would become so insecure and play it safe , like I would have this big romantic idea and yet I would take her for the most boring ,mediocre typical date you can think. Like walking on eggs , not to piss her off or get in a position where we do not agree about a certain think. Like no risk at all. Good news , I think it´s in a past. (also thanks to the Leo´s relationships videos) A month ago Silvia was just some Italian chick that I saw on some website for backpackers ,who put a post that she is new in the city and I came to that website determined to kick start my plans and get away from my job. So I said to my self , first person I see , I contact them. And it was her. Life writes and amazing stories , sad stories , happy stories ... but unbelievable , magical stories. We meet several times adter that and last sunday I sended her a text to meet up , but she said she is with friends and I started reverting to my old needy self. My mood went down.What if she is with some other guy? Thank god for Leo and his videos because I was able to recognize , be aware of my behavior and I know that road... that road leads to fuck up. I know where that road leads , I went with it way to many times and this time... I took another road. Instead of being passive-aggressive , get angry and frustrated and sad ,I went with my life , went to an event and meet some great people there. I planned to ask Silvia for a meet up on Friday but something happened on Thursday , she beat me to it. We had great time and funny think how things solved them selfs. Normally I would force a meet up with a girl I like and it would rain , or I wanted to make a party but other people would back out of it , always problems. But this time , we arrange to go to a park ,4 of us. At first I wanted to be alone with her , but I went through it and thank god I did. Olivia , who I meet on the event 2 days earlier had to go early so we started taking about going to the lake and everybody jumped on board , so we arranged it. And the Stefano ,a guy I actually thought about not inviting (No competition) yesterday came with a friend Gina and yesterday we had a great day. It was my dream to go to a beach with some great people , play the guitar ,drink beer and have fun and yesterday it came true. And it came with this amazing girl Silvia. I actually ,a day earlier went through half of the city just to buy a guinness beer because that is her favorite and she prepared pasta for us. We have so much fun together ,we constantly tease each other , touch barrier is way behind us and later that evening a Syrian guy approached us , saying that he is alone here in Germany , have no friends , so I gave him a beer and he joined us. And he thought that Silvia and I are together. Everybody knows I like her and that is new. I usually hide it , not to be vulnerable , I was even ashamed of my sexuality and with girls I was never who I really am. And now it's different. I see it in her eyes that she knows that I like her and I see that she likes me , we have birthday on the same day and she already started planning a big one for both of us. And with that we come to a sad part. In two weeks , when we have birthdays...it is going to be her last days here in Leipzig before going home to Italy. And just thinking about it gets my eyes wet. We will meet today and we already planned a lot of meet ups during this 2 weeks and I can´t wait for them , just take in every moment and soak it in. It´s funny. I´m happy on my own , despite this tears rolling down my cheek , I was never happier , I never felt like a real man like I do now and now for the first time seeing the results of all my hard work on personal development , how you can be on your own , confident and independent and happy and how a confident , independent and absolutely great girl can make your life so fucking amazing ,it just fuels me even more to work on myself , since , I´m just a newbie on this site. I never had something like this , felt like this. I had girls I desperately wanted to fuck and for them to solve all my problems (which we all here know wouldn't work) and now here I am ,writing this since I want to remember this moment , planning on seeing her more ,while wearing my heart on a sleeve knowing she will go , just wanting to make a few more moments before it´s over before she goes and she needs to go , I know it. She said something about staying and maybe better her German but I told her to go back and finish the collage(every fiber in my being was screaming STAY WITH ME) and then do as she pleases. Is this how love feels? I don´t know! I usually manipulated and lied and pretended to get girls ,while hiding my feelings and vulnerability like snake hides its legs, I was never me, me. Or is it obsession? Or something third , maybe I am delusional , thinking , ooh I do personal development now , I´m better than others , sooo , this has to be something most people don´t experience. I don´t know , all I know is that this couple of days have been great. All I know is that I am living in a moment more and more and that I am happy with myself , I can sit in an empty room for hours and smile. All I know is that just a year ago I would screw this up and no way that something like this would happen. All I know is that all the hard work in personal development , beating down my addictions and starting exercising ,just with this moment , they paid off and I don´t think I can imagine a pay off that I could get if I continue on this path. All I know is that I learned a lot from her and I think that I am about to solve my problems that I had with women after getting cheated. All I know is that in couple of years , somebody is going to ask me about Leipzig... and I will smile.And there will be one name on my lips. La vita e bella! (life is beautiful)

Just returned from the lake , I went skinny dipping. Why? I wanted to... That was pretty much my week , yesterday I went out , I found this event in Leipzig where people go and meet and decided , it's time to work on my comfort zone and by working I mean breaking it , defeating it. So yesterday I did that , went outside my comfort zone and just allowed myself to be who I am , if they like me , great if not...well , they are missing out. And I meet so many wonderful people from all around the world , there was so much positivity in the air , ne secret agendas , just people starting conversation with a person next to them that they never saw in their life until today. It was beautiful , one of the best days ever. And today I took another hit at my comfort zone by just going into this darkness that was around the lake and then just taking all my clothes off and go into the water... great feeling. Germans have no problem with nudity , I see them all the time around the lakes , at first it was a cultural shock , but now I get it , but to do it in a daylight , when there are people around. That comfort zone is going to stay for a while. Anyway , when I went to that event I went with my guitar (it gives me confidence) , I call her Jelena and I think I´m going to end this entry with a story time. I wrote this on 10.03.2016 , it was an excercise for creative writing , objective , to close your eyes for 5 minutes , picture one of the objects in your room and then write about ii as much as possible in 10 minutes , or 15. I don´t rememer. But here it goes: It was probably the best day of my life. I was going to German classes that I bought after coming back from the cruise ship. I hoped that , maybe I could meet someone there , I mean ,a girl. At first I was dissapointed and just as I dropped that hope , there she was , joining our group , Jelena. There was never a girl that made such an impact on me , I change because of her , I wanted to be a better person , but I started it to late and my past catched up to me and Jelena was gonne from my life. When someone says a perfect girl, it´s her that I picture. And now I have nothing but memories and my guitar. I was searching through US to find this guitar. I knew which one I wanted but I couldn´t find it. Until that day. It was a last German class before the exam and I was preping myself to ask Jelena out , time was running out. That day I made my last German homework , it was pretty funny , everybody laught I even translated "you are my sunshine" into a German. Du bist meine Schonen schinen mein einzigen schonen schine du macht mir glucklich Anyways in the morning I went for a hunt. I saw on the internet that there is a place that sales Fender guitars 50% off and so I went. And there she was ,Electric-Acustic guitar , the one I wanted all a long. There was no doubt in my mind, it was take my money!!! I went to local exchage store and exchanged around 200-330$ for 1500 kn ( Croatian currency) The first time I ever held a 1000kn bill. It lasted 5 min as I gave it for "my precius", the best thing I ever bought. Money can´t buy happiness , I agree , but this guitar is mighty close to it.And so I killed it in German class with my homework and after class had to wait for my friends , we were going to movies to see the new American Pie movie. Now I never saw one and I didn´t wanted to go (it was funny in the end) but life writes amazing stories. As I was trying to find a way to kill time , Jelena just said. " You wanna go to the bar with me and wait there?" Fuck yeah , I would go to the moon for you. I meet her sister there and Jelena was constatly laughing , just hitting me in the foot in that "I wanna touch you way". To this day , I don´t know how I manage to fuck that up , well I do , but that´s another story , dark story , how I got my heart broken and got scared about relationships. I changed , thanks to her. Where she is , who knows , but I will always have that moment , that image of her smile,eyes that looked like thousands of stars shinning ,as that responsible 22 year old that moved to a big city alone and was doing amazing things ,was behaving like a child aound me. I have that moment and I wouldn´t change it for anything and I have my guitar. And as a real "rocker" I gaved her a name. I didn´t wanted to give her that name at first , but there was no doubt that that guitar name was Jelena. And just like her , that guitar is precius.

Since I quited , I don´t really have much to write about. I´m doing my development , meditating , watching Leo´s videos and putting the new found knowledge to work , working out and getting quite fit and confident , building connections and meeting new incredible people , playing my guitar , learning German and I´m just.... happy. The only sad thing is that I don´t know yet how to share this happiness of mine , it seems I was much more frequent here when my job was making me miserable. On that note , I also no longer play video games , it´s 2 weeks and something...this time I´m not counting , no need , I´m not forcing myself not to play , quite the opposite , I am allowed , I just don´t need to or want to give my valuable time to it , when there is so much to learn and do that fulfills me. I don´t watch TV series no more and also Youtube.So many of the channels are quite... pointless. I do like some history channels on youtube or just channels with host that have a certain charisma that I would like to learn and have , since I would like to kick start that youtube channel one day. Right now , I´m just putting some finishing touches to myself before going deeper and start to make my own money on my own terms , making me self sufficient. It will take time and I will not be financially rich. But who cares about being rich... we all die the same.There is no money limit that you pass and now you don´t die , or the number of cars you have or the number of models you fucked... at the end, we only take our experiences to the grave with us. And I intend to make them good. And I intend to enrich the lives of people around me too.

My parents know...just got a green light from my mother. It was... I never had such an honest talk with her. Money for that Workaway site is paid , I also find some part time jobs ,just in case. I expect problems with my landlord. They want 3 month notice , I want to quit this rat race today , so there is a difference in opinion , will find out tomorrow. I will survive it. So much to write but... there is only one thing actually on my mind. I'm scared shitless but always had a feeling that my life will be something like this. My mother mentioned it , my talk when I was 13 years old and said that I think I will be homeless. Also I , my whole life ,had a feeling I will die violently... I just hope my feelings are wrong about at least one thing. PC games are out of the picture as TV series as well ,they just... don´t make sense. Doesn't make sense to do that when time is so limited. I´m on, 14,7% body fat , sooo , yu-hu for me and I think I´m falling for that Silvia girl and that is terrible , I´m terrible when I start to fall for someone. Just the day after spending a day with her in a near by town of Halle , I went to meet my friend and as I tried to exit my building I couldn´t. The door to the building was locked , they are never locked. It started banging and trying to open them by force ,I was angry and frustrated about the situation. What to do , I had no clue and after a few seconds of banging on the door I decided. I will wait for someone to come from the outside and unlock the door with the ke....eeey?? Shit ,right. And I unlocked the door with my key. Point is... I get really ,really stupid. And this is not the time to be stupid or wear those damn pink glasses and have my head in the clouds. This is the moment when we find out if the line between bravery and stupidity is really that thin. But in the end we all die the same and nothing really matters. After all the small changes , it´s time for the big one and I think I got this. I better do or I´m f...............

I love life , I love the colors around us , how the light shines in the dark , I love a late evening calm train ride ,when all the people are tired and they are some sounds here and there and the day is coming to an end ,I love a deep talk with a deep genuine person , I love when I make someone smile , when I help someone , when I have this power , this power to do good , to make someone´s day better , I love falling in love , it has a chance to just go down horrible , but you believe , you naively believe in the best , I love that feeling in your belly. I love apples and the texture they have when you bit them , just shiny , like millions of stars in a fruit , I love the smell of flowers on a crisp spring morning and when the wind gently breezes. I love the stars and wonder , just wonder ,I love sitting by a lake or a sea or a river and play my guitar... I love my guitar , I love music ,it is the best thing we invented , I love that moment of silence I sometimes reach during meditations and I love the moment I open my eyes after one and it´s like being born again , I love hugs , the feeling of energy just exchanging between body´s. The taste of food and lack of taste with water. I love Leipzig as much as I love Zagreb as much as I loved Carnival Triumph , every place has it´s magic. I just fucking love it all. Men don´t have emotions.. Fucking shit , why do we obliged to society and their rules , why don´t we question them , break them and get our own answers. I'm a Croatian but before that I´m a man but before that I´m human and that means something to me. It´s responsibility to this planet and to ourselves to live the best we can and evolve our race. I´m doing that and I love it , it scares the shit out of me but it´s big. This whole process thought me so much , eye opener , I never really loved anything , I even wonder if I really loved some of the girls form my past , was it real?? So many beautiful things around me and I just noticed it now , I'm a bit late to the party. And no... I´m not drunk

Had a nice proper work out again and my mental state is improving. I deleted , once again , all of my online games and the only ones left are the ones that are on German , I downloaded to help me learn German and since they are on German , I don´t play them anyway I fall short of the things I wanted to do today , mostly I was uninstalling things ,empty folders and making my new workspace (laptop) faster and had a few hiccups along the way. First I started uninstalling something on cyrillic letters and then I remembered a few letters on that alphabet and read "Comm" to late... and there went my internet , I uninstalled my network card software... soo after a "full panic mode" run it´s course , I did system restoration , which I was smart enough to do today before thinking with my only means of communication. But I had to uninstall stuff all over. After that I decided to finally instal MS Office since I might use it ,to follow my expenses and don´t really have a proper tool for writing when am offline and I´m losing track off all my "New text documents" I am around number 56-57?? Fun times... If I only knew it would take a whole bloody hour. But it is done and tomorrow is a new day. Games are out of the window , TV shows I don´t watch no more , I read , I work out and I have 5 weeks (end of this month) before I´ll hit the road ,so just got to keep the momentum going.

Woken up from Hibernation Got a little lazy , Saturday was really lazy , Sunday I spend whole day with John from Manchester showing him the city (another person from that Couchsurfing website). Monday , afternoon was boring and evening was great , meet with that Sylvia form Italy and shared a beer , it was a really nice evening. And today I realized ,I am avoiding to start going in some general direction. So I forced myself to be alone with my thought , no distraction and... yep , it was there... this paralyzing fear of "you idiot , you quit your job now what??? Travel , way to go genius , that's exactly how world functions" So today was a slow start , but , I finally cleaned my apartment , cleaned my laptop of some games , I really don´t watch TV shows anymore , so one thing I didn't had to do ,but it was like good old days with "didn't I already do this?" Yes I did and now we need to do it again , I guess. It´s okay ,I made a plan for tomorrow. Time to get back to working out , step up the meditation , pay 23€ to that site and start looking for opportunities and for god sake , start that damn blog , it´s not going to write it self. (thou that would be nice ). I guess this battle with yourself never stops.

End of an era. Hard not to feel something. Even some weird kind of sadness and I feel it. I am in a moment ,usually I would be planning ,thinking about the next move ,but today I just lived this moment and it´s weird. All of this mental pain and complaining about my job.... it all will be reduced to a moment. 10-15-20 years from now I will be like " yeah , I lived and worked in Germany in Leipzig.... I tried , I didn´t like it , I moved on" end of story ,end of a story that had so much more supstance ,more meat, will be reduced just to bones ,facts ,a moment in time and space. I was here , I did this , I wasn´t here any more. And that is not just about this job , but life in general. So many stories ,so many events through my life that just.... faded. Pain ,happiness ,sadness , boredom. It all came in my life , made an impact , looked like it will stay forever , didn't , got forgotten. Ahh , what the hell got me into this self development thing in the first place , what blood sorcery was that??? Could of lived my nice comfortable mediocre life ,but nooooo, here we are. At a crossroad. Also today I witnessed an interesting conversation. A truck driver complaining and being angry about his job and shift (does sound familiar thou) and not being able to spend time with his family and Lucas , my friend from work , defending the system and attacking the driver with facts ,laws and just defening the system "it is the way it is". And that is why we can´t have nice things. Also he wants to leave this job because he doesn´t like the shifts and how much time he spends on the job and not being able to spend his time with friends and family.... oh irony , your not lost on me. It also rained today and it was fitting for the end of this chapter.

Tomorrow is my last day at Mordor!!! Yeah!!! And today was a great day , wait ,what? Great day at work? No , I called in sick , well I lied but what they gonna do , fire me?? Yesterday I decided to give that couchsurfer website a shoot and meet someone new and there was this post from some Italian girl that she just got here and would like to meet up with someone to show her the city , so , why not and we arrange a meet up. We meet and 4 hours later she said that they are looking for people in a hostel she is working in and thing I would fit in , I mean... Jesus , she was the first person I meet and immediately there was an opportunity , just goes to show that opportunities are everywhere!!! And just a few months ago I felt trapped , but thank you Leo and this website and to all the great people out there that I meet or I´m about to meet. And she , and her name is Silvia by the way , is everything I want to be , we have simular ideas , she is planning to make a travel blog and lives in a moment.I have so much to learn from people like that , I am no were near that kind of positivity , but I could feel it , that positive energy emitting from a positive person just mixing with my energy and making it stronger and more positive. And after so much negativity and watching people at my work place just be pissed off and fight and be angry about things that I find bullshit , this was a refreshing day. I just hope that this day is a beginning of many days like this , just living in a moment and looking at my watch and thinging.... damn 4 hours , I would bet it was max 2 hours!!! Fuck me, it´s 13:30 , if I was at my work , it would be probably around 10:45 (I start at 10:00). And while I know many people that want an expensive car , highly paid job , a big house and a model girlfriend/boyfriend , me... I just want a one way ticket for a bus/train/plane and maybe someone to share that with , but after years of trying and forcing to get into relationships (so that I would feel valued) I´m finally good on my own and next time I try to get into a relationship , it´s going to be some awesome , unique, weird girl. I feel like a chapter is written and it´s time for a new one.

It´s done. Friday is my last working day there...

German number , got it. PayPal , made. Registering for Workaway... problem. Need to wait a few day to be able to pay the joining fee ,PayPal will send a verification code to my account , until then 23€ is to big off a payment for them. Nevermind , I never thought this would go down simple. And talking about "simple things" ,let's see if I will be able to quit tomorrow. I have so much fear about this travelling that I am going to do , so much , it patrifies me ,so much that I am almost stunned. Between needing to relax after work because of the migraines and anxiety attack (yup that one is new ,thx job!) and this fear , I am very unproductive ,but than being unresponsive is usually my way processing things , a calm before the storm. Everytime I had a big decision to make ,before making it and doing it , I would be unresponsive. Also , made contact with that guy who traveled to 40 countries on a budget and got some nice advice about blogging and how to start. I´m not doing this to make money , I want experience , but I am also very very passionate about not starving to death. The biggest thing is , I´m 10 days away from getting more cash but... I will always be a paycheck away from having more cash. I can't wait to do this and get back to writing about my self development and stop this job complaining , prison break planning journal.