misko55

I wanted to write something… something big, something that will change the world, a masterpiece. I am also lazy, so… I wanted to write it from the first go. I am a walking perfection so I should deliver something perfect, it is logical, right? There is only a small problem of…hm… not being perfect. Ahh, that bloody perfectionism, costed me a lot of stuff. I remember being a kid and starting to draw something. It was never good and I would get frustrated. Funny thing is, it was always at the start, I would draw a line with a pen and it was….not perfect. One bloody line and I would give up because I can´t produce what I want. Did I say that I wanted to write something big, something amazing that will change the world?!? Empty eyes, every day I see hundreds of empty eyes, people that gave up, people that buy unhealthy food as a comfort food and then feel bad about it, being trapped in that ruthless cycle. I called them idiots, I judged them, I ridiculed them and then in a midnight hour, sitting in front of my laptop writing something and then re-reading it and think “ Oh god, this is shit what you just wrote,” and then grab a chocolate to make myself feel better… I am them! I am not them, I am different! I want to write something so amazing that it will change the world! And then I realize…so do they. Everybody wants to do something amazing, something so big, that we don´t know where to start, how to do it. So we draw the first move and it is not perfect and we give up. We live in a society where people are petrified of making mistakes, but mistakes are how we learn! So we all crumble from the pressure, peer pressure and worst of all, from the pressure of our own expectations. Did I mention that I wanted to write this amazing masterpiece that will inspire and change people´s lives for the better? I want to help them all! But I can´t, I am afraid of being judged, I am afraid of making a mistake, so I get frustrated with my life, angry even, get into my petty little life and hurt people around me and in those moments, if I would look into a mirror, I would probably see….just another pair of empty eyes. “I” can´t change the world…but “we” can! I want to write something small, something imperfect with a bad grammar and not fully thought out thought, but from the heart. Something positive, something screaming –You are awesome! Because I think the world needs it, that you need it, that I need it. And I should also probably work on it to make it shorter…who the hell is going to read this!?!

Wake up ,make mistakes...learn from them ,go to sleep. Repeat.

Plans ,yeah ,how did they work out for you genius?? Well ,this last few week and days I have been busy with...failing...or as I like to call it now ,learning. I am more aware of my behavior and it is funny to watch my old habits clashing with my new habits.My head is more of a battleground for a some kind of a civil war in the last few days, as I try and try implementing some new strategies to improve this thing we call existence. I can say I am winning but I am not losing either ,rather ,having a lot of fun with it. And getting good lessons from it all. This is it! Maybe ,I am finally going nuts,

I had great plans for today. I had a 2 days off and I had great plans for them. I also got a an e-mail for interview to get that ausbildung place in tourism. And I think that the girl I like ,likes me back. I was doing so good this past days and today I wake up to a text from my mother saying that my grandma lost her 3 year battle with the cancer.And here I am today ,just doing nothing ,wasting the day away. But it is okay ,it is just another life lesson ,very painful one ,but a lesson. Her death is putting things into perspective as that uncomfortable notion of dying one day rear its ugly head. After laying perfect plans for this whole week ,this is life telling me how ridiculous I am to even think that I could have everything under control. Jobs ,politics ,media ,movies ,games ,religion ,every little shit we do is a distraction and it is amazing how badly we treat each other and ourselves. Treating like everybody is going to live forever and we have all the time in the world.

Hard work almost everyday ,I almost killed myself at the job ,I never worked that hard ever in my life. It is astonishing how many people choose to eat at McDonalds for this holidays. I am very sad for them. Despite all of the hard work ,when I come home I cook for myself and I work out ,meditate and learn. It is incredible to watch my willpower getting stronger and stronger and saying no to temptations. Even today as I came home and my light bulb decided to stop shining and my room was dark ,I worked out. There was a voice in my head that wanted to justify not working out by... look , the light is out ,you can´t see ,you had a hard few days and you are tired ,just take a break. And I will take a break.... breaks are important ,doing nothing and minimising is also important ,but today was not the day for the break and I know where that break leads as I also cooked in the dark and I really ,really wanted a justification to go out and buy a take-out. My biggest problem right now is that I am like a religious person now. This actualization is changing my life to a whole new level and I would love to share it with everybody so we all could live a great life ,but... I guess everybody need to come to that conclusion on their own and forcing people into this is no better then schools ,jobs and religion. I pity those people at McDonalds... I am so sad for them. And that bugs me ,it still feels like judging them ,I don´t know them ,but I also feel like I do. I feel angry at them at times but in truth ,I am maybe ,angry at myself since I used to be them and I see myself in them and I see them waste life away ,like I did. And this thoughts only make me wonder if I am really making steps in the right direction here. Two more days of work and then I have a free day and I will start with my biggest challenge. Practicing not doing anything at hope that I don't go insane.

They are all shooting and I am just sitting here trying to meditate. Not the way I expected to celebrate a New Year. But it is kinda pointless to me ,this whole celebration ,every day should be celebrated. But this is THE NEW YEAR... and now we people will start with New Year -new me , and I guess so many of those online coupons for Gyms are going to be bought ,so many new year resolutions going to be said and nothing done. It is scary seeing in person the things Leo is talking about ,about people being on autopilot ,lowerself. I saw it yesterday as a coworker of mine, that is pretty overweight, was watching her mobile phone and eating McDonalds and I could hear her body suffer with every bite and I could see how she is not conscious of what she is doing. But that is not the scary part ,the scary part is... I used to be that person and on some bad days.... I am that person. And seeing people today with their empty gaze at the McDoanlds menu...they don´t know what the fuck they are doing there. They saw McDonalds and they went in because.... because... and I know why ,I did it. You know it will make you feel bad on so many levels ,but that moment of self gratification... you are so weak in willpower that you do it. And that scared me ,since I almost paid 81€ for War Thunder premium account... and I almost bought Indian food for 7,50€ and I wanted a bloody cake to celebrate a new year... I fight the same temptations like them ,but I controlled mine...at least today. But seeing this thing in other people and realizing that sometimes I am in their shoes is scary...but motivating. I am a completely different person today then the one who entered 2016 ,but it wasn't new years resolutions. I used to feel misunderstood and not fitting in.... hahaha ,now I am definitely not fitting in...but I am happy about it (happy as in Leo´s happy ,being content). and I easily jump out of my bed in the mornings fueled by what I plan to accomplish ,about my life purpose and for that I am ,and always will be, grateful to 2016... the year of change. If I could give it a title it would be:"Daniel is finally dealing with his shit". Happy new year actualizers ,special day for many ,just another day of meditations ,mindfulness and hard ,very very very hard inner work.

The end of the year is so close and despite being a very bad year on the political grounds ,for me it was the best ever. Now I would said I can´t wait to see what the next one brings but that is kinda stupid ,since ,year are ,just like time ,our inventions. Anyways ,I got 3 more months of woking at McDonalds before my financial status is stable enough for me to take a part time job and start TEFL courses ,cant wait for that since my job is so mundane and boring and brings no value to the world ,but I am surprisingly content with it. I know that it is a stepping stone and I am alright with that ,Rome wasn´t build in a day. With new year ,comes new challenges and this year after sorting my gaming ,TV series ,eating and general laziness ,we are going to tackle watching to much stupid youtube videos and my addiction about eating a watching stuff at the same time ,it is getting out of hand. Also ,the biggest challenge.....stop judging people. Yeah ,that is the big one and probably the hardest one since I can read people and my judgment of them is heavily influenced by their face ,expressions and voices and I am rarely wrong about people. Still ,no more judging. Aside from that ,I am doing my meditation ,eating relatively healthy (waiting for my first paycheck) ,working out and for now I am quit happy with the situations in my life.But I am looking forward to kick starting this into life purpose and stop being a paid mercenary.

Actualization ,I will never achieve it ,I am not special ,I never was. I suffer from my temperament ,my big ego and my strong emotions. I have just wrote a very long rant about our society here and this thought has hit me ,so I deleted it. I am a failure ,it has to be said. It is not as negative as it sounds ,being a failure means that I have tried and even after 26 years of nothing but minor accomplishments , everything else is a failure. But I keep on going ,I guess , this is my role in this world, because somebody else would already given up ,but not me ,I keep on going ,I keep on trying and I always will. It is from failure that you learn the most ,you don´t learn much from the win. I have changed lives ,people have actually said it to me ,that I influenced them in a positive way ,so if my failures are going to do that ,then I will keep on failing. I have always believed we can do better and I always dreamed about being a hero that will change the world and I will go down in history as a great man ,but I am not ,I have been a brave coward my whole life ,being a coward since I have never really showed to the world who I am ,I always protected myself and my emotion. My strong emotions and my big ego are the things that are going to be my down fall one day. I will fight the system in the only way I know how ,by learning ,by failing and by give that knowledge to the others for free. I wanted to be famous ,I wanted to be known ,to be celebrated as a great man and even this journal had a bit of a dark side in it as I wanted to test my writing and hoped to get a recognition and people to give me a like or in this case a reputation. These thoughts are holding me back and I need to stop carrying them. I will love ,even if I am unloved and I will help ,even if the role was reversed I wouldn't get helped ,I am renouncing my dreams of fame and I am accepting my responsibility ,I will do things because they are the right thing to do ,because my heart tells me so, not so I would get gain. I have already minimise material stuff in my life and now I am to minimise in my life ,my internal "stuff" and I am committing to being a student of life and to shair my lessons with the world for free. Be the change you want to see in others...it is so corny and yet it is right. Lead by an example ,it is much harder than one would think ,as I my heart is making loud beats now as I am being more open then I am comfortable with. And to you , my reader ,I don´t know who you are, but I know you are awesome!!!

Emotions come from within... I tried to take another look at it and used that way and I didn't hate my job....for two days. By the third day I was exhausted and it was hard to use mental power. But I know where that pain come from. First ,it is all charades ,this system and I don't want to play my part. But this money is going to give me options to not participate or at least decide how to participate in it. Second. Excellence. McDonalds and excellence do not go hand in hand. Those are some of the worst hamburgers you can eat.But I have decided to get the best position there (McCafe) and the moment I started putting more effort I already learned how to work at two station. Two more in the kitchen and then to get to cashier and then it is McCafe. It is a shitty job ,but I will strive for excellence in it and to get the letter of recommendation for future. Third. And this is a biggy. It hurts my ego that I am working for that company and it is hard for me not to judge those people who eat their ,especially as I can see them judge me when I have to sweep the floor. I keep getting thoughts " well ,I am making a lot of progress on month to month basis and in few years I am certain I will be at some awesome place in life and you will still be doing your shitty job and eat this shitty food", I try not to judge ,but they make it really hard by buying food and not even opening it but throwing away ,or take just a bit and then throw away. I am trying real hard not to judge them and then I see this fat dude or girl ,eating 2-3 hamburgers and throwing tomatoes and salad away...like the only two ingredients in this whole atrocity that calls it self a hamburger that are actually good for you!!! On the good days ,I am capable of just going full selfish and do everything in my power to strive for excellence and not think too much about it. At those days my job is even like a meditation ,calms my nerves. I come home and I achieve so much ,learn ,train and meditate. But now ,after 5 days off comes the challenge. I have to work 6 days in a row. Decisions of what I will do ,wear and eat ,have all been pre made so that I don´t drain my will power on basics but use it to try my best and stay in this positive mindframe thru all of the 6 coming days. Aside from the job thing ,everything else is pretty uneventful. I went to Christmas Market and tried new food ,hanging out with my friends ,learned a song on the guitar (what a wonderful world) , eat healthy ,work out ,learn ,meditate ,watch Leo´s videos. I am actually in a pretty good spot now ,if I was in this spot my whole life ,I would never go into self-development since I would be content with life. But I did started doing this and in couple of months I will outgrow this job and I will be hungry for making moves into my life purpose territory. This is just a building phase ,a build up of force to go out and take what I want. Awesome life....coming soon.

It is an interesting notion that emotions come from the inside. It is interesting to take the responsibility on yourself instead of putting the blame on the external. I never wanted to take responsibilities for fuck ups , because I didn't want to take the blame. But responsibility and blame are not the same thing ,now are they? This time last year , I got back to Leo´s videos as I watched "How to forgive someone". There was a girl that hurt me in 2014 and as I was rolling nicely in my self pity my good friend told me about Leo and I started this journey and not even a full year later , I was in Germany , so many things have changed. But I got comfortable ,stopped meditating , I ate badly. I was working ,sleeping , watching TV shows and playing games. I wasn't really happy but I was content enough not to rattle the cage.And then a year ago I got a text from a familiar yet unknown number saying sorry for her actions and just like that I was triggered. I wasn´t meant to date her or marry her , but I guess she had a pretty big an important role in my life beacuse of this. After a year, that I got her text and it send me back to depression and pain and the fact that I really started doing self development starting with February this year, I got this results. 1.I shredded 7% of my body fat down to stable but always fluctuating between 13-15% body fat , I work out regularly and I take walks. 2.Changed my nutrition , this year I ate around 8-9 kebabs ,last year I would eat that much in 2 weeks. I learned how to cook ,educated myself about nutrition and I used to eat just meat ,mostly meat , now it is there just for the proteins ,I don´t really enjoy it that much. I also cut drastically on sweets and I drink sodas only in company of other people ,parties maybe ,but even then I avoid them. Also ,green tea ,love me a green tea. 3.Meditation , now it is not regular ,but it is better then not at all , it is a struggle and who would have guessed that sitting and doing nothing could be so hard on bad days.Also self contemplation and being aware has changed my perceptions of mistakes , because , now when I make a mistake , instead of feeling bad about it , I notice it and learn from it. 4. I used to watch around 2 TV shows per day , now I have 3 in a week and they are not priority ,I watch them when I am really tired.Back then , I was looking forward to playing video games for a whole weekend now I install them and uninstall after a week. I still struggle with PC games but I am getting a hang in it ,I just see them as wall between my dream life and me and that wall needs to go down. Also , now I watch informational YouTube videos ,then I used to watch some guy play video games. 5. And now we come to the dreams , I fulfilled some and this is just a start. I am no longer dancing as the wind blow ,I am more and more being a stone and standing up for myself.Now I do work at McDonalds ,that I absolutely hate , so from time to time I do swing as the wind blows ,but it is very rare and McDonalds is my responsibility ,McDonalds is the repayment of old dues and once they are repaid ,world watch out! This last 7 days I failed. As I got the job I went back to a short depression ,being anxious , irritated ,lethargic and generally very unhappy with the shitty situation ,but this situation is going to last for only 83 more days. And that is ,to be honest ,a small price to pay for a whole life ,24 years of being lazy ,irresponsible and doing damage to myself and people around me as that was me and for that I only need to do my time of 90 days. And that is the lesson I learned this days. There are several ways you can look at something and I can go back and bitch and moan about shitty life and working for a company that I literally hate and was always happy to read about if they closed a restaurant ,were kicked out of some country or had heavy financial losses. Or I can realize ,that this is my doing ,this is my punishment , it is not nice , I hate it , but I accept it and I know that once this dues are paid I will be a new and a free man. Years of doing damage ,repaid in two years of hard work. I will be looking at a clock slowly moving tomorrow in a Hell (my nickname for McDonalds) and I will not feel that way ,but I am fortunate. Fortunate to be getting back more and more of control of my life and as the last 7 days were a failure , last 365 days were a pure win. It is still a long climb to go ,I ain't perfect ,sometimes I wonder who reads this and if they judge me for my writing or my mistakes as I am definitely not a poster boy for self-development, there are better journals out here to read and learn from. But I am moving forward ,slowly and in my own way.

para pa pa pa.. I´m hating it... (yeah a pun about McDonalds commercial) Today I had a deja vu ,I had them through out my life and usually more around critical times in my life...I had it while working in McDonalds. Anyway , I am not going to go in a direction of complaining , it is McDonald's , it is universally known that everything about it is shit!In 3 months I will have the same amount of money as I had before my vacation and travel through Berlin-Dresden-Prague and then quitting my job. Quitting that job was the best decision I ever made ,bt I had no clue what to do. Now I do. You know it´s true! it rhymes.I needed that time to figure myself out and for the first time in my life I took uncalculated risk and now I know what I am capable of. So in 3 months time or 86 days , I will be quitting this job and switching to part time ,maybe at McDonalds (worst case scenario) and take TEFL English courses.If I want to be a writer or do YouTube in English ,my English needs to improve ,now it is good and mistakes I make are negligible in real life ,but so visible in professional. The job is trying to destroy me ,but this time ,I am not letting it. Yesterday after a long day at work I went to play table football with Gina and when I come home ,I work ,I plan ,I meditate ,I learn. No surrender this time. Tomorrow I am also meeting with Marilena ,that person I eliminated from my life ,she apologized and I am willing to meet and discuss and see. There is so much more to write ,but I need to find the courses for TEFL here in Leipzig (or I will take on-line) ,do my writing ,meditate ,learn German and at the end of the day ,contemplate about my situation,my life ,death and just be aware. This dead in around 60 years if I manage to get 86 years old is real fucking motivator , even more so as I meet some of the most boring people I ever saw here at McDOnalds , 60 and so year old women that shit give everybody shit if they make a mistake. To be like them ,petrifies me more than death itself! I am to sexy to work at McDonalds... I mean smart...yeah ,smart... that's what I meant

Just 364 more days!!! I started at my new job today and I signed a year contracts ,so here comes the complaining about my job back hahaha ,naah. 10 months of self-development and welcome to mediocrity Danny boy!!! Well actually ,it is an improvement and it is where I belong...for now! I had a 5 month vacation and coming back to work just...sucks.After 5 months I can see that my motivation has fallen a little bit ,forgetting about the horrors of the rat race and I got a little bit lazy , comfortable and complacent. And there is nothing like a shit job to kick you in the ass and get motivated again. Instead of complaining like the last time ,I have decided to turn this into a little game ,character building game ,considering my job as a gym where I get paid to work out... work out 8 hours 5 days a week ,but my stamina will increase and I can use that. This is also going to be a great test to my time management ,my emotional intelligence ,perseverance and to see how much do I really want to do this. Also ,good news ,bad news here. After not eating anything Mcdonalds for 3 years ,I eat today since I wanted to use the free food there to save a few cents and fuck no!!! How in the hell did I used to eat that shit!!! I wanted to throw up after that "burger" ,no way jose, that I am putting anything like that inside of myself ever again. Right now all I want to do is jumping jacks through the night to get it out of my system. Just a few bits have made me feel like I have bigger boobs then some girls! I have also observed a few people today and honestly I got scared. Scared about the future of our species. It was not judging them like I usually do ,but a moment of "holy shit ,we are going in a wrong direction". Anyways ,I got to go back to work , real work ,my work ,the work we all here do. I am feeling motivated for change and I am going to milk this motivation cow dry. Probably gona start with 1500 sit ups to get this shit burger out of my organizam , I looked at that ... food?? ... can I call it that?? and I wanted to throw up.

Well ,9 days ago I started really strong , back to working on myself , nothing is going to stop me this time , I said... except for the cold... Life has a way of making me eat my words as I fell to the cold , being a typical guy , where you don´t know if I have a common cold or ebola. And the damn thing sapped all of my energy and momentum. Just proves to show how little of a control we have in our lives. Speaking of life making me eat my words , today is exactly 3 years since I at the McDonald´s for the last time and I am proud of it! But I am back in the system ,since I cannot get social help form the state and I took a job.... at McDonald's. Yup , my ego is still hurting me but they are offering me a free German courses that I really really need. Life is a funny thing ,4 months ago , I had money and time but I was still going back and forth between ideas how to make it on my own ,trying ,failing ,pushing. I was forcing myself to make ideas and just like everything that was forced ,it wasn't that good. And now , I have it ,I have a pretty good idea ,so good that I am not putting it here or anywhere online for others to see and steal ,yup that good. Funny thing is ,I don´t have money now to implement it and so we are going to exchange the time for the money ,so in couple of months I will have money , but no time. Oh life...fuck you too. But it is not so bad , this is the most money I will ever be getting for working less then ever. It is 7 hours in a day and I have 2 days in a week free and this time my job is 30 minutes away from where I live with just one tram line and no school to worry about. Unlike my last job where I had to spend 9 hours at work and commute 2 hours in one direction , making me waste 13 hours on work ,here I am wasting 8 hours on work and the rest is for me. I can work with that and actually McDonald´s seem to really care for their employees ,at least here in Germany ,as I got the schedule for the next month just as I wanted it and free days along with my vacation aligned with arrival of my friend from Croatia here ,so bosses do seem nice and conditions are surprisingly high. As long as I can buy myself time to stay here ,be on my own and continue this self-development journey ,I am happy. Working on one self and continuing move forward with gathering experience is all that matters.

I am sick today , but still productive. Now for people who want to cut some people out of their lifes ,a word of advice! Think about it real carefully and make sure that your execution of it is respectful and dignified to that person , I failed there. I putted my ego aside and tried to apologize for the way I did it , but I got no response ,still ,at least I raised to taking my responsibilities and trying to correct them. Funny thing is , as I was hoping that she would respond to my apology text (I would call , but I know she wouldn´t pick up) my Australian friend contacted me as she edited my writing for a contest and then Gina , my German language partner and a girl I fancy everyday more and more ,correct my German application for vocational education in tourism for this summer. And I know that this week is very,very busy week for her. So at that moment I realized I concentrated on a wrong person ,on a negative one , when I have this two awesome positive people in my life , so I told them how much I appreciate them.There is a lesson in there somewhere , to concentrate on the positives and appreciate the people that are good to us , it is funny that we usually concentrate on the bad stuff and people. I had a great moment yesterday as I met a Colombian guy and an Italian girl and after just hour of talking we went out for a glass of mulled wine ,it was a nice moment. Perfect strangers. Aside from that , I am now an organizer and co-organizer of some of the international events here in Leipzig , I made that step as I always wanted to build some kind of a community , it is a very exciting project for me since going to those events has ,along self-development , really rejuvenated my life. My essay for a writing competition is almost ready and I will be sending it soon and looking for another project. I am also working on a project to start my own YouTube. The start is going to be about geography , starting with islands in Caribbeans and about East Germany.I am now working on the content for the episodes ,planning to start making them in March-April and start releasing from on the 7th September every Thursday until the summer. On the other fronts , the Agentur fur Arbeit is still fucking me in the ass with all the bureaucracy and from next week I will probably start working at McDonalds (yey , I made it in life ) ,still , they offer me a free German course and I have no intention of working there past the summer ,so ,I am happy with that. I now have a plan worth fighting for!! I am so busy that I no longer have any needs to kill time with video games or TV series or football games ,there are much better things to do. But , I know better now not to ignore my inner work and continue meditating and working on myself ,so that I don´t have outburst like this Saturday and cut someone off my life just because I wanted her to feel the pain I felt , wrong reasons to do that!. I didn't had an outburst like that since 2014 and I am a really calm person , but still , I am better than that and on this Saturday , I wasn't.

I am the cause of all my misery. Yesterday I cutted a person out of my life , constant re-scheduling for meetings and when I invited her this friday to go out with my friends , she asked if she can bring hers. And then she was there with her friends and we didn´t exchanged a single word as we were just ignored by them. Now. Why do I feel bad about cutting her out of my life? That was disrespectful! Anyways , this incident showed me that I still act from the ego and emotions. I stopped working on myself and got distracted with jobs ad relationships and what not. I see a lot of progress that I made , but I stopped and got to blinded from my awesomeness , believing that I am somehow better ,because I am aware. I am not. It is back to basics , it is back to meditation , back to emotional mastery. It is back to work , that so blatantly showed me , will never end. The good news is , despite that I got so comfortable that i stopped working on almost everything , I am at 13% body fat ,only one percent of the one I want 12% , so it is not so bad. Body and mind , body and mind. I am writing my own private journal and made a decision to read last 7 days in it every morning ,it is there that I will write about everything and here only the important things , only summary of my path. That summary could help someone not do my mistakes , me complaining about jobs and society is not productive to write or read nor will it help somebody.

Well I also sometimes feel stupid writing my journal and I also feel totally unwise. Maybe we are just to critical on ourselves.And I totally get you on the depression part and identity crises , I get you there all to well , unfortunately. But do keep writing it , I enjoy reading it! You have interesting observation skills , almost poetic ,artistic and emotianal writing style.

Nothing like panic to make you move , ahaha , it is a funny feeling practicing mindfullnes and seeing oneself just reacting to circumstances instead of having some kind of control of them. It is like watching a horror movie and screaming , DON´T GO THERE , DON´T OPEN THAT DOO.... great , now your dead... fucking idiot. I can´t remember when was the last time I sended so many job applications. I know why I can´t remember... I never did it. Yesterdays job went badly , I still might get it , but I hate being a waiter and I am not really good at it. So I am trying to be a driver , I also applied for several mini-jobs that pay more then I need and don´t take a half of my day , so I can concentrate on writing. And I have a article written. There is an article and my name by it on the internet!It is shit , it´s for one of those free IQ tests websites , you know , if you click on them , you already failed the IQ test. But hey , Rome wasn´t build in a day. I have also found an Ausbildung , work and education in the same time (for non Germans) in Tourism and it looks pretty good. It is funny , my life is crumbling around me and my brain is constantly finding new solutions. I am optimistic and I haven´t dipped into depression or giving up , like I would just a year ago. I am all about that action and building my dreams , no matter what it takes. I wish I knew about personal development earlier , I could of made something by now instead of still fixing all of the shit from my 4 years of depression.

And after I kicked into a higher gear and started doing staff instead of being high energy I decided it is a fine time to end this chapter and to get all this bureaucracy bullshit done.And as time was kicking on my apartment , I went to my renters office and declare that I want to stay in my apartment. As I came home , feeling good about myself , how productive I am , I got confirmation that I will not be paid by government because I didn't work full 12 months , I worked 1 day less!! Really 365 days working and you get supported , 364 you get fucked! Full panic mode on! So , the only logical way was to be done with them and just concentrate on finding a job. I looked online and my depression was about to kick in as I was browsing this terrible grindy jobs. And then I found a cute little family run pizzeria , looked at their website and liked what I saw , phone them ,arrange to get there today , liked what I saw and they liked me and tomorrow I got a trial day. The woman was so friendly over the phone and in person , they have high scores on tripadvisor and they are professional , but human. So I am hopeful. I need a job , my money reserve is at it´s end and I have been cutting on the only place I can cut and that was food. I feel low energy since I can no longer eat as healthy as I did before. On the way back , I helped some grandpa carry some stuff on to the bus , which actually helped me more , since the bus driver opened the second door for us and I didn't had to pay for the ticket. It feels good to help! And I am optimistic about this work , since I didn´t do that bullshit job interview , I was me , it all my quikines as I got there with the attitude , this is me , like me , hate me , hire me , don´t , but this is me! So we will see what tomorrow brings.

I am finally on the government payroll and my basic needs are meet. It is hard to concentrate on self development ,when you are in fear about bills and food. I went to "normalizers" and I was surprised today as I had appointmentt by an older man that was suppose to help me with my CV and applications , but he talked to me like a human being , was so kind that I had to tell him thanks at the end of the meeting , shake his hand and... I am really grateful. He struggled with computers , it was funny , but his enthusiasm to help me was an inspiration and if one day I could be that guy and really and genuinely help someone , it will all be worth it. He gave me contacts to continue my education , he encouraged me ,that was strange ,since most of them just want to find me a crappy job and get rid of me. It was a humility pie that I had to eat as I realized that I put them all in the "normalizers" category and that is basically judging other people. It is a pie I ate gladly as I see it as just one more lesson on this path. I am grateful that people like that exist!

Pretty busy day and good. Well , I usually turn into something I am not , when dealing with bureaucracy , but today I decided , no! I will be genuine there as well and I was surprised as my social worker there actually respond positively to that and went an extra mail and was much more relax , more than this time around me. Yesterday I also wrote that I had a funny feeling that I might get a bid and did get a bid , for now , as I wrote my first article as a freelancer. I did made it easier since between two options of getting paid for work or being credited for work , I went for getting credited so I could have some reference and get better paid writing jobs easier. I think it is a good test since , I am doing them free , they have nothing to lose and neither do I. I had a bit of a shake as I drifted with my mouse over reply button , with my first draft in the attachment , I haven´t been really comfortable not confident in showing my work around , being very scared of possible criticism. But if you are to learn , you need to make mistakes and now I am more afraid of having regrets then failures. Slow and steady wins the race , as long as I am going in the right direction , it is all good!

Yesterday was a great day , one of the best! I was invited to this housewarming party where I have meet many people and got to know some people that I already know , better. Which is always great! This past few days I have been like a jo-jo , up and down , because I was dealing with bureaucracy and as I learned to live in the moment I also learned to see more details in that moment and that has its own problems. Everytime I go to this people , "the normalizers" as I called them , there is this detail I always see and it disturbs me and frankly , scared the hell out of me. It is their eyes! There is nothing there! No passion , no dreams ... no life , they are empty , I look them in the eyes and I see just a reflection of me in them , they are almost like not even alive , they are more like husks ... and they are really committed to finding me a job and putting me back into the system. After every termin with them I have panic attacks , this need to run or hide and my productivity with my writing plummets , my spirits go down and I end up watching bunch of junk on youtube ,just to distract myself. I am capable of pulling myself out of it , but it is not easy , since I remember being a husk , this website , this journal was and still is , something that gives me a fighting chance.I am looking to get a job to save up some money for stuff that I will need to make it on my own and I hope that when I get the job , this journal is going to be like a safety net , that I don't get depressed like I always do when I have to work. Aside from that , I am working on my project where once every week I post something about Leipzig on the Facebook , it is going better then I expected.I am also bidding for writing jobs and do have a crazy feeling that I might get one this week and writing an article for competition about education. And my good friend Olivia , that invited me to yesterdays party , is in that field and is more then happy to look what I have wrote and help me out. Anyway , I think I have learn my lesson from this summer and instead of trying to start everything perfectly , only for not being able to do that and get demotivated , I am doing my projects on the go and learning slowly in the process. If I started like this in the summer , I could of been somewhere already , but , it is a learning process. I just need to survive tomorrow's termin with "normalizer" , try to combat the effects those meetings always give me more efficiently this time and just stay stubborn and on course.

Bullshit... that is what I see around me this days , just bullshit. I finally did everything regarding bureaucracy for social help and every step of it was filled with empty people being distracted by their job ,their bullshit job , offering bullshit jobs ,schools... I look the news on the internet and there it is , even more bullshit , commercials around the city , bullshit. Are those employers that are puting those pictures of a happy employee doing their shitty bullshit job, really believing that it works , do people really buy that??Do they buy into the commercial ideas that if they buy this or that ,that they will rise in social pyramid or get that girlfriend/boyfriend they want? We are a sorry bunch of people just deceiving ourselves and using bullshit distractions. What the fuck is this and how the fuck did we get here?? Who's fucking brilliant idea this was? This sociaty is insane.

So , in Germany if you quit your job without a good valid reason , you can pay up to a 3 month monthly fine of 100 and something Euros. I didn't know that as I was writing today about my reasoning for quitting that job. I recon that writing down "I didn´t like it" or "It was boring" are not valid reasons.But I did write the truth about it giving me depression and anxiety attacks and now it is up to the "Normalizers". Yeah , it is a little nickname I gave to those people working for the state. I looked them in the eyes and there is nothing , no sparks , no passion , no life. Just a talking husk that gave me a life lesson because I showed up at 8:16 for my 8:15 termin. A long time ago , as we were chased by saber tooth tigers man made a system that was suppose to work for the man , but now ,the man/women , we work for the system and no one this days has the guts to question it as we are born into it and when you question it you get the answer "It is the way it is , you will understand one day". So how are we supposed not to be fat , depressed ,addicted , malfunctioning individuals when this is the system we are living in. We are human beings , not robots! We don´t really have the control to this things called emotions , now do we? And they play a major role in our lifes. And after going through the systems grind , called education , we come back with no free will or mental strength to fight this urges. Sometimes I feel like life is a simulation of sorts ,a test. Healthy food tastes bad , but bad taste good , if you are honest you will never get rich as the easiest way to acquire money is true crime/politics (is there any difference? ) ,the whole thing between what we are offered and what really functions is just to contradictory now to be ... just a random occurrence. I think I am broken and quite sure I am crazy and possibly also indoctrinated. With every pressing day I feel like I am losing touch with reallity , I am no longer even sure what is reallity or what is normal. When I really say out loud what I really have to say , it sounds nuts. But with every passing day I am also more and more come and recover faster and faster from momentarily panic attacks or depression , I recognize them now and always manage to pull myself out of it within minutes or at least hours ,so there is that. I am slowly becoming a content ,claim , lunatic.

Weird day , yesterday after writing here I went to bed and realized that throughout the day I had anxiety attacks and right as I went to sleep I had a full panic attack to the point that I got back up and finish my essay that I am writing for a writing contest. I didn't go to my work place as I slept through my alarms and my brain got the idea to contact a friend from work if he could take the paper there on Monday and bring it back. It was a weird day as at first I started writing a short story ,planning around 10 000 words , did 1000 today and it is about a guy that hates his job , has anxiety attacks and insomnia and ends up collapsing and entering coma. After coming back he doesn't remember anything and he is spending time with his physiatrist discovering what lead to that , spoiler alert , I didn't come to writing that up , but that physiatrist is his own imagination ,a character he wrote in elementary school before giving up on his dreams and falling to peer pressure. And it is all happening as he is in coma ,he is confronting himself. You got to start somewhere and it is easier to write about stuff then you know something about or have experienced. I wasn't in come but there is a battle going inside me. And then I went into nice little depression of I can´t do this , it is not good enough , I wish I never saw Leo´s videos and just stayed at my safe job and how I planned this badly that I am like an animal that escaped from the cage and thought he was free but he was still in the Zoo (the system). After a very hard and restless meditation , I wrote my material for open-mic , a poem combined with a bit of stand up elements and now I am back to being fine. I can´t break into freelance writing since I don't have experience and I can´t have a blog the way I want it since it cost money monthly and I don´t have a job! No problem! I will use facebook to learn ,fail ,test ,as I have a project. A project to every Saturday put a picture of Leipzig and write some history about it , like a travel blog and just learn while doing. Instead of waiting to learn how to photoshop a picture and then post , I will be posting and learning in the same time. It will be an interesting timeline at least. I don´t have the money to travel and have the equipment I want to make YouTube videos! Nevermind I will do low quality , great content chanel and grow it as a hobby.I am now doing my research and hopefully in a month's time , I will make something and if I am meant to fail before I succeed ,so be it. So let´s what am I made of , it´s not like I got to lose something , I have nothing and I am going in the circles ever since I quitted my job. Ha , I just wonder in what kind of mood I will be tomorrow. Wednesday happy , Thursday optimistic , Friday depression and pulling out of it ... this shit is hard.

Totally unresponsive and wasted a whole day. Tomorrow I need to go to my old place because I need them to sign some papers so I could get my money. I don´t have to go , but I have been postponing it for 3 weeks now. But I need to do ,since today is not the first day I wasted like this because of that reason and everytime I would say , I´ll do it tomorrow and then waste several days because of my anxiety to do this. Damn , I hate that place and even 3 months after quitting ,it can still fuck up my day...