misko55

I dislike holidays, especially Christmas. After a full year, I went home for Christmas and I failed at everything. All my development ground to a halt and I feel anxious right now, so anxious that I am returning to my roots and writing here. In last 9 days, I gained 4 kg, did absolutely nothing, fought and lost in the department of downloading video games and got back to being fearful, indecisive and generally afraid if I will be ever able to have a great life. My mind is all over the place and I can´t wait for tomorrow to sit on an airplane and go back... "home". I have never felt more confused in my life like right now, feeling miserable, hopeless and beaten. How did I manage feeling like this for years, I don´t know. My parents are here, but I have not much to talk with them, my friends are here, but it is the same. This weird energy, together with me feeling guilty for feeling like this. I did write another story: https://medium.com/@danielcvjetianin/the-cramped-room-of-despair-and-a-fight-of-old-and-new-6664e324bf74 I guess I always feel like this for Christmas, watching people doing things because it is expected of them, saying things that are expected from them and I always get sucked in, but I don´t know how to behave like them, I don´t know. I also feel a bit frustrated right now. Damn, 9 days in Zagreb, 9 days home and I feel terrible. Am I addicted to change? Do I really need to do stuff to feel good, am I fooling myself? Is this self-development even working or am I living in a fairytale.

Keep up working!! If I may try to help a bit. I have kicked some addictions before. What I have found to work the best is to replace the addiction with something healthier or move slowly towards there. I used to love Coca-Cola, I switched to orange juice and those powder ones , than to water with strawberry taste or what evers and now I drink only water. And second, don't deny yourself. When you deny, you spend a lot of focus on that and you want it more. With Coca-Cola I forbide myself from buying it, if someone offered I would drink it. Today I haven´t touched it in months and it doesn´t taste too good either. I hope this can help you, experiment and find what works for you!!!

I am a rather slow person. The day I started this journal--- February the 20th 2016, was the day I decide to be a writer. I guess some of you remember my first post. A year an a half, and I am now doing it. I did tried it a few times and the moment the first obstacle showed up, I failed, I gave up and went back to dreaming. Dreaming is easy and it feels good, doing is hard and it is sometimes very frustrating. I was failing because of my psychology and now I do believe I am finally get it. Not fully, but good enough to do it this time around. The thing is everything you do is connected. And although, learning about my psychology was important, it is time to put it into action. It is time to put it into 3rd gear. I worked hard on this for the past few months and now I feel like I can finally show it to the world. I am writing, learning to write by doing and I am now posting it on-line, with a plan to do it once a week. https://medium.com/@danielcvjetianin/my-grammar-sucks-i-need-a-better-profile-picture-and-many-more-excuses-not-to-write-c1a90ec335ff If some of you could read it and even better, give me a critique or two, that would be appreciated. When I started this journal and this journey, I wanted to inspire people with my writing, but I had no clue how behind I am, how fucked up I was. Now I can finally start doing it.

I am still alive and I feel fucking amazing, I am being like a wine...everyday better and better. And it is funny how good I feel since in the last 3 months I did achieved a lot of bed results, people would call the failures and rejections, I call them resoults. Negative resoults in careers, life in general and even in that silly little thing called "love". And yet I am happy. And I am amazed with how fast I am able to bounce back from bad stuff, not only bounce back, but being happy that I did them, despite not yielding a result I wanted. Of course they are not going to get the result I want, I did spend 25 years of being a little bitch and only 2 working on my life, so it is a learning process, but I know it, I feel it, that the good times are around the corner. The fuck I am talking about, the good times are right now! This moment is absolutely amazing. I am now working on my complacency. I watched Leos videos, read books, watched other YT channels, listened to other peoples advices and I tend to agree with them, nod my head and say; "Yes, this is logical, I agree with that." and then do nothing. Even now it took me a little longer for all the things I learned from Leo, to actually get into its place, despite the fact that on the logical and emotional level I understood it on the first go...or so I thought. Anyway, I don´t know what to do with this journal and it´s purpose. I have my own personal journal and my notes that I take everyday. I want to bring value to the world and I want this journal to bring value to the world... I just haven´t, yet, figured out how to do it. Sooo, if anybody is new here and is going to read this, is in that low state of mind and is thinking should he do something like keeping a journal here and work and invest in himself... YES!!! Fucking do it, it will take weeks, months, years and the process is hard... but also beautiful. Believe in the process...love the process... process is even better than the goal, I think... or I just haven´t reached my goal to know if it is better. And on that confusing note... I am out. Have a nice day.

I am waging a war against the sweets, you know, chocolate. Funny thing, I came here to this forum and decided to read a few journals this time before writing my own. I remember when I started it last year in February, a broken and unhappy man far away from home with no friends and a job I hated so much that I was journaling everyday. And by journaling I been bitching and moaning about my hatred for my job. And here I am, making focusing on kicking eating sweets out of my life, while people here are making grand plans and doing self-development. I do German everyday, I barely watch TV anymore and video games are used to learn german and by used I mean, I play 6 hours in a week, maybe, when I get exhausted. I love my job, I really do and on the plus side it gives me time to write, and write I do. Just a day ago I have writen a short 4 pages long story withing an hours and it is not a complete piece of shit, if I may say so myself. I think its ratio is 80:20 for shit parts vs good parts. PROGRESS If I felt like this on that February evening, I would never started this journal or get into self-development. Now it is not all roses and butterflies for me, but I am making progress. I may not watch TV anymore and my gaming days are behind me, but I do watch too much Youtube and have a bad habit of eating when watching and I do have down days that make me lethargic but I always bounce back. And that is the most important thing, I am learning about myself and experimenting about what works for me and what doesn't. So before, every failure would make me run for the hill, since I am a perfectionist, but not, failure is just a note, a hint to try something different, you are close, but just make a few tweaks here and there.

I don't feel like sharing much. I have reached a moment in my life where I am content. I am content. It doesn't sound special, positive or state of mind you would be envious of. Yet, it's neutralness is quiet soothing. Imagine being happy, but not having that up and down adrenaline rush and imagine having problems, but them being more a challenge and not that burning under my ass everything is going to shit kind of problems. Imagine finding comfort in silence. Imagine not needing anybody but still want them because life is nicer with them in your life. Imagine not being hard on yourself when your body gets exhausted and you do nothing and imagine celebrating the smallest victory like you won in the game of life. All of that in the same time. Content. The word doesn´t do justice to that feeling.

I got the job that I really like. I will be starting my 3rd week tomorrow. I am a courier for DHL. It is almost a perfect job. Almost. Work starts from 16 and ends when you finish delivering, that is usually around 21. I only have around 12-20 deliveries through out the city of Leipzig and sometimes in the neighbour city of Halle.So I spend most of my time driving. I love to drive. The problem is. It is fucking far away and the bus in the evening goes every hour. I spend more time waiting then anything else. Sometimes people pick me up with them, but I have to, again, wait for them to also finish. And I hate waiting!!! So there is a solution. There is a DHL 5 minutes away from my place, but they are regular service that starts from 7 in the morning and work day last between 8-10 hours. You have to deliver around 200 delivered and you only get a few streets to do. So, basically it is. Less stress, less money, great job but long commute or more stress, more money, less job satisfaction but also less commuting. Decisions, decisions. Aside from this, I am trying to get my life back together.You know, meditate, eat healthy, work out, learn new shit, all the good stuff I have been doing, stopped doing, restarted, stopped, restarted, stopped and now again restarting. Basically, nothing new on the western front.

You know what doesn´t really work? Law of attraction!! It worked fine at the start, I got further then I expected and I got, I had it, the job I always wanted to do and now I don´t have it no more. I got stereovision, apparently I don´t see 3D and my depth perception is very bad, I can drive a truck thou, but not the bus. The worst thing about this is, that I was borderline, I am right on the border between," yes, you can drive a bus" and "no, you can´t drive a bus".It is funny, but I wish I was way down low, just bloody blind or something. This is killing me, knowing that I am so close to something I always wanted, but there is absolutely nothing I can do, I can´t teach my brain to use both eyes anymore. A bridge too far. I have turned my attention to something else, something that my friend is doing and has recommended it. Assistant for disabled people, apparently, you can do that with no school here in Germany. You work 7 days a month for 24 hours and that is it. And the money is good, Idea to be earning more money that at McDonalds while being secure and having enough free time and money to start putting ground works in my own business, doesn't sound too shabby. Now my actualization is at all time low, this has hit me hard and all the waiting made all my meditations feel like I am sitting in a fire zone, pure hell. Since I was 5 years old I wanted to drive a bus... I tried, I worked hard, I did everything right and I failed because of something that I had nothing to do with, just born this way, I guess this is not really a failure but life. It sucks and it hurt like hell, but at least I tried, I took a chance and chased my silly little dream. I guess it is time to go back to the drawing board. At least I am being good at stubbornly starting over and over again. Sometimes I do wish to just surrender to the system like most people do and go with the flow, because this is exhausting. And sometimes I write stupid shit down, life is beautiful and I will fight for it till the bitter end.

And now I am scared?? Not really scared, maybe more depressed. On the 2nd of June I passed the interview for a bus driver. It was so positive, that despite telling me that I will now in a week, I got an e-mail in less than an hour telling me how positive the whole thing was and giving a date for doctors appointment. It was early morning at 6:30 and I didn't manage to sleep before it so I got really tired there. I failed at vision test, will, not completely. I just failed that 3-D thing, I never had that before and I had eyesight problems since I was a child.(One of the reasons I didn´t try to get this job earlier!). It is a test about depth perception. They send me to an oculist here in Leipzig and they are paying for it. That whole thing happend on a Thursday a week ago and I am still waiting for Monday when I will have more info. Let´s just say, that sitting a waiting is killing me. Driving is the only "normal" job I ever wanted and I do need cash to get into the position to go for this less "normal" jobs that I want. I am usually productive until 15:00 and then it is "feierabend" I just over-eat, watch to much Youtube and worry about this. Then I don´t worry about this and go into this positive thinking, everything wll be alright and then I go back to worry. This was the only time I was actually excited for a job. All the other jobs, I had no other choice, but this time I made my own and still, I might get fucked because of something I had no choice, no saying and absolutely no responsibility about, just got born like this. And that is making me depressed right now, overthinking. On one level, I still do believe that this will play out right and I will get this job, this has to be a test, right? On the other, how fucking unfair it is, too bust your ass for 3 years, 3 years of change, 3 years of investing, 3 years of trying to put yourself into a position that you don´t ever have to do a gastronomy job that I so hate, 3 years of working towards something, 3 years of sacrifices ,3 years of learning, changing behavior and routine. I know, someone is going to say, but 3 years is nothing. Really? I have only time and that time is running out. I lost 18 years on the system that fucked me up and confused me more than it ever helped me, 5 years of recovering from that shit and figuring out what I want and 3 chasing it and here we are. Finally looking up and it could all be for nothing because I might be that 1 in 10 that doesn´t see 3D. But than again, I know I saw 3D, I have seen 3D movies, optical illusions, hell, I test this depth perception and I can see it, only literally 5 cm from my face and no further than that. And this is me in a nutshell, over analyzing, coming to conclusions, depressing myself and even close to admitting defeat because I can˝t sit still and wait. Funny thing is... I am going to get that job.

I went for a walk around the lake and ended up on a walk down the memory lane. It is done, today was my last day at McDonalds. I said goodbye like a human being should. I am thankful to that place, it prolonged my "German story" , but it was a time for a change. I feel like I don´t really have a say in anything, like this is more a movie that you get to see rolling out in front of your eyes. Last time that I quitted a job, I was afraid about everything, now I am not. It feels like nothing really matters anymore, it is hard to explain since life is so beautiful and magical but in the same time, meaningless. Jeez, I didn´t even finished my first beer.Hm, maybe I just discovered a Hemingways secret to good writing.

I want to write something here, but I don´t really know what. Since I quit my job I have slowly started to get back into the life that I want to live, who I want to be. It is hard. It is funny that writing comes so hard for me now, it is funny because this whole journal started as a small test about my writing style before become this what it is today. I have so many thoughts, but not really sure if they should be said out loud or put on a paper. Talking about my actualization maybe? Sure, that is interesting because it is going so fucking slow and I don´t feel like I moved in that department since I got hired at McDonalds. Maybe talk about how much I hate my job... yeah, that is productive and I am sure complaining about things is going to change them. 5 more times I have to go there and then it is over and then what? I am sure that some other job is just going to be a peachy. Or maybe something that I have been avoiding to put here for the last month or so. I like not 1 girl, not 2 girls, but 3 girls and the worst thing about it...I think they all like me back. I miss the good ol´times when I stood no chance and would just get rejected, those were much simpler times. I need a retreat, I really need a retreat in some small cabin in a forrest far away from everything. I think that all my senses are over stimulated, McDonalds destroyed me, my stubbornness to continue my development and ignore the growing fatigue has caused a burnout, my overthinking how to get the fuck out of their didn't help either and having 3 amazing women in my life that I really like and don´t want to hurt make my emotions go on a fucking roller coaster ride. Well, just 4 working days, 2 free days and the last day at the job on the 31st of May and then I definitely have to take care of myself, get of the net, get in the nature and vent, because I am one random incident away from blowing up and going mental. So close and yet so far away.

...there will be no 7th month! I took a moment during my work today and went to the toilet. My heart was beating like crazy, I was somewhere between wanting to throw up ,fall unconscious or just burst into tears. I splashed some water on my face, looked up in the mirror and gave myself permission to be happy, to do what my instincts are telling me to do and walk away from bad stuff. I walked into my bosses office and I quited that terrible job.just 9 more times I have to go there. I wanted to play it safe, but when one of the supervisors asked my boss what is going on ,she said "Well, we have one less problem" ("Ein Problem weniger") and in that moment I knew I made a good choice. She wasn't even interested why that hardworking, reliable motivated person has fallen into depression and looked like he could burst into tears at any given moment. In the place full of miserable people that make each other's life even more miserable... I was the problem. The one who kept quiet and always helped, the one who never made anyone feel like shit and the one who always jumps to help new people as they would scream at me not to help them. Yeah, I was the problem. But I was, I was the problem,but for myself. I guess if you listen almost every day for 6 month that you are a piece of stupid shit, I guess, you are going to believe it eventually. And so I did, and I got too afraid to go away from it, too afraid that I won´t find anything better. Of Course I am not going to find anything better while I am there! I am grateful to that place, I learned a lot. And I guess I learned that there are battles that you cannot win, but you can choose not to fight them and walk away. I knew when I took that job that 3 months is the most I can do , unfortunately I fucked up some details and had to stay longer and by the time that I had the amount of money that I wanted I became addicted to it and keep on staying just one more month. So I stayed 3 more but... ...there will be no 7th month! And tomorrow I have a job interview for that bus driving job that has been my dream job since I was 6 years old. I never chased that job, since...what are people going to say about me, I can do better then that, right? Well fuck it, I just want to be happy and I am not chasing happiness anymore. The happiness is in me, my body, my mind, they know it, I just didn´t listen to them before. I thought being recognized and looked up to is going to make me happy, this fame ego money driven bullshit that majority of people in the world believe that will make them happy, I believed it to. I don´t anymore.

It is amazing to think about who I was and who I am now, and no, I am not talking about this 2 years of self-development. I hated school, hell, I hated anything where there were more people that I was comfortable with, that means, more than just me. My anxieties, my fears, my lack of self confidence, people today wouldn't believe me, that once upon a time, that was me. Sometimes I need to remind myself how far I got because I am to concentrated on not arriving to my destination yet. That is why I have this journal. Better late than never. I started to value my time more than the money as with this month I am only a part-timer at McDonalds and I have 14 free days in this month. Two days ago they asked me if I could come to work today and I said "No!", for the first time ever I have said "No" to my employer. And speaking of McDonalds, I have finally, today, sended all of the necessary documents needed to switch my job to driving a bus and I got this beautiful feeling that my time in the 2nd circle of Dante´s hell is coming to an end. I have also helped a new friend with her housing problems and as she said today that she owes me a lot, I said, no, you don´t own me anything, it is human thing to help. I will not write the details about this since I don´t want to take any credit for it, it will only ruin the magic of helping someone. This is my journal, from me to me and when I will be re-reading it, I will know exactly what I did. I feel that another chapter is coming to an end. After beautiful 5 months of happiness, no work and discovering myself, this chapter started with McDonalds.And it has tested me, and I didnt get out of it clean, I got out of dirty, but in a good way. As I fought and got to the position I wanted there, as I made a new friends and helped them along their way, as my job and my neurotic behavior almost eliminated a person from my life, but instead I fixed it and made a great new friend. I am grateful for this chapter, for everything that it taught me, but it is running out of paper and it needs to end soon. And it will.

I attended the open door day at the city's transit authority and I liked what I saw. I also managed to regain some aspects of my life. but Mordor has drained me more than I realized that it did. I am currently planning my resignation and dreading going to work tomorrow after this beautiful 8 days of sick days. They were really beautiful, I returned to loving life again. Life is really amazing. There is a bit of frustration since it will take some time, since I will have to do a two week notice, before never stepping into a McDonalds again, since I want to be done with this.It is dragging for too long and in the and it is nothing more than a distraction from a real work that I should be doing. My optimism has returned and I feel really good about this all and by that I mean I am very calm and centered and believe in my capablities to do the best out of this situation. I am also grateful to that place, I would not be able to stay in Germany if I didn't get that job,I also improved the language while there, made some good new friends and it gave me a possibility for a better tomorrow, but I have outgrown it and now is doing more damage than good, since I think, I learned everything possible from that place. I have learned a lot and I improved a lot in last few days and I would love to write about it, but right now, I have a mail to send and a resignation to plan.

Hahahah @Anna Konstantaki , I have been called many things (mostly asshole ) but a drama queen??? Hahaha, I love it! I did a Fast and furious marathon, what can I say, fast cars and female butts make me emotional I am slowly returning back to my old self, well my new self... my new old self.............. that guy that doesn´t watch TV series all days, play games all day and eats unhealthy, but works out, learns, meditates and is commited to self-actualization. I am dosing it since it is hard to get back into it. A few weeks ago I was capable of getting a lot of shit done, but I was riding the wave baby, it was all on inertia, it is hard to kick start it again, but I am doing it...again. Since I was a kid I wanted to be a pilot, driver or a skipper...pretty much, I want to drive shit. I couldn´t be a pilot since your eyesight has to be perfect for that and my isn´t ,I got talked out of being a bus or tram driver since I was deemed to intelligent for that job and I was living in continental Croatia so there were no ships around (but I did work on a cruise ship). I made a plan... it is probably not a good plan... well it is not really a plan, it is more an organized improvisation... not a good one... but it is something. Tomorrow I am going to the local transit authority as I applied for a bus drivers job and I am right now on my way to achieve it. The tricky part is, they pay my education and I commit to working for them for 2 years and I am not a big fan of cornering myself. But that is a job I would do for free and my calculations are telling me that I will need two years to get myself ready, to finish the TEFL course and get enough of money to start my own thing and get out of the system. So on paper...this two years don´t sound that bad, plus if I fail with my own thing I can return to driving, not to working in gastronomy. I have spend 25 years not listening to my intuition, but to others, I didn't try to achieve happiness but wealth, I worked on outer things and ignored inner and it got me no where! I started to work on the inner and my life improved, I decided to achieve happiness and I had it and still do and now it is time to start to listen to my instinct. I don´t want to be a bus driver for my whole life, but if I need 2 years to get myself in a good position, I would rather drive then ask if you want ketchup or mayo with your fries...and it pays better. So why the hell not do it. Not the way I pictured this, but I get to fullfill my childhood dream of driving a mighty beast, use it as self improvment and end up changing a job for a life purpose, not bad right? It´s not even two birds with one stone, it is ruining a Hitchcock's movie by killing all of the birds with a bloody machine gun. Just got to keep meditation and got to keep my feet on the ground, in theory it is all nice, but it is going to be much harder and it will require sacrifice in some aspects of my life.