Oppositionless

People have literally been saying God is love for like a bajillion years. I'm not saying just take them at face value but you'd have to be pretty dense to just dismiss it out of pocket. Most of Leo's original ideas are about the relative domain. His spiritual ideas are pretty generic (in the best possible way).

Early/Pre-Awakening History (Years of Building Patterns) • Philosophical/Existential OCD phase (dominant for many years): You spent extended periods (e.g., 12+ hours/day) obsessively trying to construct the “perfect metaphysical system” for reality. This fits existential OCD (also called philosophical or metaphysical OCD), where the core obsession is unanswerable “big questions” (meaning of existence, nature of reality, purpose, what is “real”). The compulsion was endless mental rumination, analysis, and seeking certainty—treating philosophy as a solvable puzzle to relieve existential terror/doubt. This interfered with daily life, created exhaustion, and felt like a genuine intellectual pursuit rather than “just OCD.” It’s common for this subtype to feel deeply personal and profound, often mistaken for passionate philosophy until the distress and time sink become debilitating. • Relationship OCD (ROCD) emerging or co-occurring: Even before intense spiritual work, relational themes showed up—absolute terror of uncertainty in love (“Is this person ‘the one’ forever?”), fear of not loving “enough,” inflated moral guilt over normal thoughts/behaviors (e.g., horrified guilt after masturbating while thinking of someone else, feeling it proved you’d “ruin” your partner’s life), and extreme actions like engineering painful breakups to “protect” them (or force personal growth). The near-suicide aftermath from one breakup highlights how devastating the doubt/guilt cycle could become. These weren’t avoidant-attachment fears—you could form deep bonds and feel genuine love—but the OCD hijacked them with catastrophic projections and moral inflation. Typical progression in ROCD: Starts with high investment in relationships (soulmate-level intensity), then doubt spirals escalate, leading to compulsions (mental checking, rumination, reassurance-seeking, or escape). Moral/sexual scrupulosity often overlaps, turning normal human experiences into “proof” of defectiveness. Current OCD (Post-Intense Awakening Ramp) • Temporary flare-up/amplification from practices: Going from zero spiritual practice to high-volume kriya pranayama (20+ reps/day) + multiple 5-MeO-DMT breakthroughs in ~2 weeks triggered a manic/intense state (happiest ever + breakthroughs, but also “cringe,” oversharing, social exhaustion in friends/forum). You suspect (and it aligns) this ramp temporarily worsened OCD symptoms—likely intensifying rumination, doubt/guilt intrusions, and uncertainty intolerance. This is common in kundalini/psychedelic ramps: Energy/prana overload stirs up latent patterns for “purification,” making obsessive thoughts louder/more urgent before they settle. The “too many breakthroughs” overload can leave residual activation, feeding OCD’s demand for certainty (“Did this change me permanently? Am I enlightened enough?”).

Going straight from no spiritual practice to like 20 reps of kriya pranayama a day in like two weeks has made me the happiest I've ever been but also manic intense and cringe. Also too many 5 breakthroughs . Just way too much , I don't regret it, but I want to slow down and be less cringe, I feel like my real life friends and even people on this forum are exhausted .

The toughest decision I ever made was actually to attempt to get back together with my first soulmate . Let me explain, leaving didn't feel like a choice it was simply a fear response. I think I have OCD triggered by intimacy so the act (not the thought / desire just the act) of getting in a long term relationship was always horrifying. The breakup was essentially designed to be so painful that it forced me to overcome my fear, but that took like 3 years of being roasted. So attempting to get her back was a symbolic way of transitioning into the type of person who is capable of long term partnerships.

Both. The ego is always a little involved, until one day it isn't . Still waiting for that day . It's going to be glorious .

I wonder if you could pay a professional photographer to fix your profile. For me it didn't work because I currently live in a shithole, but if you're in a decent location it might .

Going to yoga and being around conscious women is slowly but surely changing my entire perspective on dating , sexuality and gender. That's why my profile picture is a woman now. If you're conscious low consciousness women will make you feel unattractive, conscious women will make you feel attractive .

Right. People compare death to deep sleep or otherwise unconscious states because they have no other form of reference . They dont realize that those come from the body, and in death there no body.

Sounds like freedom to me.

Did you read Jed McKenna's books or did you arrive at this through some other means

Thoughts are as material or immaterial as anything else. There's only one type of thing , it's somewhat irrelevant what you call it , although some words feel closer to what's really going on.

I'm in awe of reality . McKenna’s quote (corrected and formatted): “…So between now and 2012, over the next 14 years, I look for the invention of artificial life, the cloning of human beings, possible contact with extraterrestrials, possible human immortality—and at the same time, appalling acts of brutality, genocide, race-baiting, homophobia, famines, starvation. Because these systems which are in place to keep the world sane are utterly inadequate to the forces that have been unleashed. … The mushroom said to me once, it said: ‘This is what it’s like when a species prepares to depart for the stars.’ You don’t depart for the stars under calm and orderly conditions. It’s a fire in a madhouse—and that’s what we have: the fire in the madhouse at the end of time. This is what it’s like when a species prepares to move on to the next dimension.”

The woman who loved me passionately and I left in fear didn't cheat on her boyfriend to get back together with me when I tried.

Spend a year pursuing a deeply embodied awakening with psychedelics and hardcore spiritual practice then go to a yoga class, or even better, ecstatic dance if it's available .

I take magnesium NAC and creatine , to me that's the holy trinity.

I think brain.fm is probably more nootropic , the focus signals are more for inducing altered states . @Michal__ really? I want to find out how to have an obe on demand. They're just something that happens to me , it's never worked when I try to do it. also the gateway process itself is one thing, but I was technically just referring to the bare signals on the app . I'm gonna listen to them while doing kriya yoga . And when the electric stimulation device shows up I'll use that while doing kriya . edit: I just saw your reply in the other thread.

Have you tried the Monroe institute's Expand app? Ive been considering getting back into it. I want to find out what would happen if I listen to the signals for an ungodly amount of time , not all at once of course.

Im just going to keep pursing awakening and if/when I permanently stop smoking will be effortless because there won't be a self to be addicted. The more I deepen my awakening the less it effects me.

Me too those 12 step meetings are a cesspool of delusion . If you want to stop a bad habit you give everything to God until the self goes and there is no possibility of addiction.

Maybe if you listen to binaural beats constantly you will start to lucid dream, has anyone tried this?

I like to think my YouTube comments over the years have contributed to Alex's awakening.

I suspect too much AI time is poison for the mind, but so is all of society pretty much so I wouldn't worry more than is reasonable.

ChatGPT seemed like it was somehow more addicting than Grok which is super bizarre but I've just observed that since switching I use less AI.

I have no idea , sometimes I've wondered if I have a mental disorder that hasn't even been invented yet.

Even better