So, I've been using psychedelics for years and years now, and doing spiritual work also. I've had really deep enlightenment experiences every now and then. And ego deaths.
~6 months ago I started playing piano, then couple months ago guitar. The minute I started playing, I knew that music is my life purpose. I learn super fast and feel deeply connected to instruments. Music lives inside of me. My spouse is musician too, but he's been doing that 13years already.
About month ago I was alone at home and took ~550ug of acid. I enjoyed the trip like 6-7hours and when the effects were coming down, I started playing guitar. I knew exactly what I was doing and my playing was truly amazing. Slowly I came more and more part of the music I was playing, everything happened on it's own, I was losing myself. Then suddenly I felt how reality around me started collapsing, I saw and FELT how half of my reality was sucked out of existence, on the other realm. Objects were missing or big parts of them just were gone. I stopped playing but heard the music everywhere. I felt my spouse everywhere. I felt how my reality got sucked into that song. And I just knew that if I keep playing, my whole reality will be decoded and destroyed. And that I will die, human-me will be gone, that's the end of my story. It was nothing like ego death, it was nothing I had ever experienced. I freaked out, threw the guitar away and went bed. I wasn't ready for this. I felt awful, I felt how half of me was gone, everything felt empty, physical reality was totally broken. I was thinking about that situation and I couldn't wrap my head around it. I came to conclusion that it's impossible for me to destroy reality by playing guitar, it cannot be possible, it's just some LSD-idea, possible ego death, or imaginative death, I won't really die and be gone for good.
So... I go and grap my guitar again, still feeling weird. I'm feeling brave and have made the conclusion that I won't really die.. but the moment I took guitar on my lap, it happened again. Now it was many times more intense. Again, I freaked out and threw the guitar away. Exactly like first time. This time I truly believed it was true, no questions asked. Like God-me was shouting to me that I must believe it's true and it will REALLY happen. I really could collapse my reality by playing that song.. So I was in my bed, barely hanging somehow in this reality, feeling the song playing in background, pulling me to my death, my spouse was half of that song, I felt him everywhere. I kept gasping couple of hours, breathing was hard, I was feeling empty, feeling the music in the distance and feeling how it pulled energy from me and my physical reality. Also crying a little, because I love playing but I was afraid I can't play anymore without intense fear of death.
Well, next day I thought about it a lot. I'm musician, so of course reality is music for me. And even science proves that to me. Everything physical is basically made out of vibrations, and sounds are vibrations. Music is vibration. So in my point of view, there really could be a song that my reality is made of. And by playing that song, my reality will collapse on itself. That song is like escape-code from this particular reality. And if everything is just imagination of consciousness, it's then possible that my consciousness could imagine a song that will end my story. Right..? For me this makes perfectly sense. So that's the way my reality just is. We all live different kind of reality, and this is mine.
Well, life continued, I got huge ego-flashback and wanted to just forget everything and forget that I could die by playing one song.. I kept playing music. Then couple days ago I took 75ug of LSD... Just little bit to go deeper with music. I started playing guitar, I played few hours, slowly being more and more part of that instrument. I barely felt the LSD anymore, when IT HAPPENED AGAIN. I wasn't ready for that... Not again. I'm not ready to die! This time feeling was even more intense than before, so I freaked out, again, and went to bed. Just like two times before. This time I didn't have any psychedelic visuals, but everything felt so much more intense. I send 2 hour voicemail to my spouse, where I cry deeply and tell him that everything that I have said is true. I knew for 100% sure that everything is only my imagination (or ours imagination), I was consciouss of how my mind made the reality. And I was consciouss that our story will end with that song, our reality will cease to exist that way. I knew that some day we will play that song together and both die. Our reality will be destroyed and that's how our story really ends. I felt so bad, but this time I also cried because of love. Love to my life, love to my spouse, love to that story I've been imagining. I realized how beautiful story this is and how beautifully it'll end some day. It was so sad but so so beautiful. At the same time that song was playing background and pulling me towards it, pulling me to my death. I felt and saw how everything was alive, everything was breathing that song. I was questioning a lot; WHY ME, why now? Why I can't live my life like everyone else and die like everyone else? But I've known for a looong time that I'm not like everyone else. I'm the weird and crazy one, and think differently than everyone else. But how it is still possible for me to experience something like this? Right now? Why I'm experiencing this from this point of view? Why consciousness is imagining this kind of story, it's so horrible, it feels so horrible. Why anyone would like to imagine loving music and then get killed by it? I love playing the most, and it's purpose of my life, but it's the thing that will kill me, kill me and the person I love the most. If I play and let me lose myself to music, I will play that song automatically and decode the reality I imagined. And I have never in my life been so sure about anything else, than this. And it's kinda hard pill to swallow.
I don't know when it will happen, when we will play that song. But I know consciousness has imagined a perfect moment for it. The experience was so intense and so clear, like God was telling me all of this. I just know it for sure. Haven't seen anything in my life so clearly than this. It's horrible, it's beautiful, it's amazing and unbelievable. Just like reality I live in.
I have had a lot of mystical experiences and usually I find other people that have experienced same kind of things. Some aspects always I can relate to and refer to. But I never have heard anyone experiencing anything like this. Not even close. So if you are, I would love to hear. Also any kind of thoughts are welcome, my spouse has talked with me about this, but mostly I'm alone with my thoughts. And it's hard because I love having deep conversations, but now I just feel like I'm crazy 'cause I haven't heard anything like this before, even after exploring spirituality and psychedelics for years.
