Hello,
Ill jump right to the start, in a 24m. At no point in the history of my life have I ever been attracted to men. Within the last 2 years I have been doing a lot of inner work and the passed 1 year I have done a fair amount of psychedelics, varying in substance. Then at the beginning of COVD I was seeing this girl and mid-intercourse the thought came in my head "Im gay" and it derailed the whole situation massively. Admittedly I probably gave it to much power. For weeks after it plagued me daily for hours, I couldn't stop thinking about it. I live in an unrepressed household and society, so I'm not afraid of homosexuality at all. I have homosexual friends and never had an interest or care about their sex life.
About 3 weeks after I finally got my thought under control and started dosing lsd weekly for 1.5 months. It subsided with that, but still had some anxiety about it. Then it can back, so I waited 3 weeks to dose again trying to get my thoughts under control. Took 500ug and had a horrible time, which royally fucked me up for awhile after. Still feel kinda twisted with intrusive thoughts. The whole time I saw dicks everywhere. Then I started having crazy amounts of homosexual thoughts, passive and active. Alot revolved around a few close friends. Then some really far out ones, disturbing in nature. Just to be safe I saw a therapist to affirm my sanity. Used that as shadow work. Albeit, looking back I have slowly developed this fear of being gay since I first started taking psychedelics.
However, the gay ones are back. Im not ashamed to admit a man is attractive. I know what some people's reply is gonna be, "your gay". Sure, I considered that, while is wasn't what I desired in a sense. So I watched some gay porn on a few occasions with no avail in gaining an erection. I can meditate on sex with a women and get and erection then switch to men and loose it. So, I guess have 2 questions:
1) What are your interpretations of this homosexual thing? it brings me alot of anxiety.
2) its been 4 months since that trip and I still feel "off". I have taken 1.5 grams of shrooms on one occasion, flooded with nonsensical intrusive thoughts. DMT then MDMA on others. What are your experiences with bad trips and recovering? It has left me very unmindful.
Peace!
