raytvor

Have I felt consciousness during meditation or was I only conceptualizing? It was present in all of my field of awareness, it was "transparent" but had some qualities I would describe as aliveness, being vibrant, it felt like existence itself and everything is sort of happening within it. I definately wasn't in the state of no-mind, I wasn't merged with it, it didn't feel like "me", but it felt familiar to me.

What are the essential steps to take to stop using the mind and its conceptualizing to finally be able to see the reality as it is? I guess there's meditation and observation. Is there anything else besides that? I see that whenever I am unhappy, I am conceptualizing something and labeling it as negative in my mind and that makes me always uneasy. Does conceptualizing fade away with practice?

Kraków

I've been dealing with mild depression (or dysthymia) and moderate anxiety for many years and I've spent last 6 months self-actualizaing and I feel like shit, my mind is in total disarray. During the time, I've made TON of satisfying changes for the better - 150+ hours of meditation (including self-inquiry), mindfulness (I seem to be able to register almost all conscious thoughts), a lot of introspection and false belief hunting, finding the bright side in anything, qutting most of bad stuff (reducing alcohol, masturbation, tons of mindless/meaningless activities), some excercise, embracing unitasking, and devouring loads of self-help books. I enjoyed the process very much. But I have led a soulless life self-actualization. I still hate almost everything about myself, the life I created and everything I experience in the moment. Most of my previous superficial values died off in the process of self-actualizaing and now I feel like nothing good is waiting for me and nothing in this world comforts me, nothing excites me, almost nothing brings me relief or joy. I feel some sort of relief during meditation because I forget who I am. Objectively, I am a successful person - I am financially well off, I have a job as a doctor that I quite like and I am good at it. But this doesn't help of course. I don't have a decent hobby and I have little human interractions I enjoy in my life. I'll take any advice how to go further.

I'm looking for new fun things to try out, because honestly I'm not good at having fun. Let's make an ultimate list of fun things to do to inspire ourselves What's top on your personal list? What's your unique way to have fun? My personal favourites are: - cooking and Middle Eastern cuisine - listening to progressive metal music - reading science fiction novels that broaden my perspective (like Philip K. Dick)

I've been researching my problems deeply and I believe I must become more open, vulnerable and playful. I was mentally mistreated as a child by my parents and I still have millions of deep-rooted false beliefs that keep blocking me on and on, like: *** I don't deserve a place in this world - I'm no good my life can't be good and fulfilling however hard I try the reality is nothing but disapointment I'm broken inside, I'm a fraud, I'm a joke everything MUST happen exactly how I imagined it I'm nothing more than negativity I can't break out of my mental limits I can't have fun there are only traps and dangers waiting for me at large I need to punish myself to change I don't trust my mind and my comprehension Life is difficult I don't matter I can't meet my own expectations I deserve more than I get at any moment I must be better/perfect all the time etc. etc. *** I need more self-love, I can't express my love towards myself (except trying hard to change for the better). Moreover, I absolutely have no idea what I like and what I need - I must explore that more. Meditation and mindfulness keep unraveling my true negative feelings I wasn't aware before. Neverthless, I'm on the right track to salvation, just need more time. Thank you for your advice which led me to some new ideas and conclusions.