meta_male

Appreciate it, bro! How can I use the pain as a fuel source? And how do you recommend I'd go about finding out what causes it in the first place? I'm sorry to hear about your grandma. How did the sadness about missing out on her funeral help you with self discovery?

Hey dear friends, first post so I'll quickly introduce myself before I get to the actual topic: I'm 28, from CH, grew up in a cult, left by the age of 24, lost my whole social circle, then went through a bad break up, which led me to personal development. Through it, I built up a lot of confidence, made new friends and met a sweet girl who is now my girlfriend. I've been watching Leo's videos on and off for about four years now, just amazing content! One year ago, I had a minor operation, which left me in the most disturbing physical pain I've ever experienced for about three months. It had a big effect on my psyche and I haven't felt any real happiness or excitement ever since. I lost my confidence, became short tempered and unable to fully relax in the presence of other people, few of them I had to off. A couple months back, I got very interested in Spirituality. And so I started doing self inquiry at the beginning of this year. I did notice a change in my awareness after doing some exercises, but at one point it got too much, and so I immediately stopped. Right after that experience, a deep depression came over me, which lasted one weekend. This was followed by ten days of deep peace and a weird sense of clarity during sleep, although I can't really describe what that was like. After this, almost every person I encountered would trigger so much anger within me. Basically, I keep wanting more and more time alone, but I have been unable to fully charge my batteries for one whole year now. I can feel a lot of guilt building up for pulling back from my loved ones. Especially because I don't know whether I need a week or a whole decade to myself. But right now I feel like I can't handle other people, especially the ones I deeply care about. It's sad to see that they want me to be a certain way in order for them to not be worried. I want to express my love towards them, but I'm unable to actually do it. A feeling of me just fading away keeps showing up, and it's kinda like I don't have that much time left to live. It doesn't feel dramatic...more sad and at the same time interesting. This sadness is so paralyzing though. What made this whole situation even more confusing was my uncle's death last week. Even though we were never close, I was overwhelmed by extreme sadness. It's like his death caused me to finally feel into all the emotions I've suppressed in the past. I went through a full week of crying, feeling everyone elses suffering ten times more intense and I just feel totally exhausted now. Two days ago, I went to view my uncle's body. The few minutes I was in that room felt like the most genuine I've ever been in my life. I cried my eyes out, but it was healing and I felt at peace. I can't help but thinking this is fucked up though. Why would I need to be standing next to a dead body to feel like I can truly be myself? I'm really confused about where I stand in life. It's like the whole world, the past and the future got compressed into this exact moment. This leaves me feeling like that's all there is and that there's no point in going anywhere or achieving anything anymore. How would you communicate all this to your partner in a loving way? I love my girl with all my heart but she is worried, since I need so much time to myself, and feeling her sadness just makes me need even more time spent alone. Who can relate to this situation and maybe point me towards the next step, or even just tell me what I might be going through. I'm open to anything.

Thank you so much everyone. This helped a lot.