Proserpina

I experienced a oneness with members on this forum when I was high as a kite. Not on drugs. I have a lot of love toward people on this forum for that reason who don't know me at all, don't care at all or even hate me. My memories don't match up with theirs. It kinda hurts.

I have some personal grievances toward some members on this forum. Mostly that I was mistreated during psychosis (diagnosed with psychosis and schizoaffective) and shown very little compassion when I was disabled. That makes me mad. People's lack of compassion on this forum caused me to enter a very dark psychosis lasting months. Makes me want to break shit. But I don't let it affect my journal or my participation on the forum. I still love this forum and the people on it and always will.

@Loba I agree. Well said. Just FYI everyone, I never talk about anyone in my journal -except maybe once I have-, it's just personal stuff. Being apart of the journalling section on and off I find even myself feeling as if others are critisizing me and attacking me in their journals (even when they're probably not). It's very easy. And if they are, hey, it's feedback. Not all bad.

It is the hero's journey to remain steadfast to the Jewel -the self and all of life- even while the enemy enters your house. I've been blessed with rest but even if I wasn't blessed with rest I would remain steadfast and be infinitely blessed.

I realised I don't need to chase. I already have what I want and I remained close to it during that time. That's all I can ask of myself. Everything 'bad' will inevitably pass away with time.

Benton phrases the difference between psychosis and God really well: "As far as I can tell recognizing "other" as self is a big step in figuring it out. Everything makes a lot more sense for me knowing that it is all me. Being actually conscious of it is necessary though. Consciousness is required for understanding. Psychosis: lost in content. God: Aware as all." "So What is the difference for me? Clarity. Nothing is clear when psychotic. Everything is clear as God. The amount of self judgment is very high for me when psychotic as well. While God consciousness is characterized by a lack of judgment. I lean more towards understanding rather than judging. Also I am not aware of myself as the one who is imaging what I experience during psychosis. And if I am, I'm still making some subtle distinction between me and the me that is imagining. I have insights into God during a psychosis. It just gets real warped. Psychosis: I don't have choices I need to follow my destiny that is for the highest love. And if I don't follow these certain things I am bad. God wants me to do so and so. And then crank up the imagination juice too. God is secondary to me. God: I am infinitely free. And I love myself completely and accept every part of myself. No bias one way or the other. Everything is ok. I am conscious of myself as imagination/consciousness. God is primary to everything. definitely experienced some truth with what I was calling psychosis. It's just so warped when compared to me being directly conscious of myself without anything in between. Things are much clearer for me now than they once where. But I still have to be careful."

I agree.

@Benton Fascinating post! I love seeing other people's perspectives on psychosis vs experiences with God.

I think it's great that there is a space here for people like me to process and heal.

Heaven is limbo that hasn't yet reached the depths. The siren's song. The depths are hell.

Note to self: Mania and depressive. High and low. Careful how you play with heaven. Take control, tie yourself to the mast.

Listening to the voices/entities while in personhood is like listening to a sweet siren. Soon enough they will drag you down into the depths.

Person hood/ lack of awareness causes the voices to become empowered. You deal with lower realms where there are voices/ entities that want to disempower you and empower themselves.

Angels or God-avatar show up sometimes when you are really lost in person hood while awake (so you are in some kind of limbo state between awake and asleep) and remind you who you really are so you can get back home. They are guides shifting through any realms, unlimited but especially when you are lost.

Psychosis: Voices are empowered. No awareness, embodiment, recognition. Experiences with God: Voices are disempowered. Awareness, embodiment, recognition.

The first time I spoke to God-avatar it was through embodiment AND awareness (and recognition). Gotta learn to do it deliberately with awareness. Embodiment takes too long and the voices can quickly destroy any progress. Embodiment = awareness, but awareness is deliberate, stable and fast. That in tangent with recognition of God-avatar disempowers the voices. Any negativity will either become information or I won't be drawn to it.

It's a very subtle shift from person to consciousness. Emotions and law of attraction are an indicator but don't have to be. You can get there through awareness (deliberate, more stable, fully awake) or embodiment. The voice being my own is a further realization that I am consciousness or God. Even though in that state you are aware that everything is you already.

It taught me the importance of sexuality in being able to control my mystic states.

At one point during psychosis I was able to hear a voice in my head that I was semi controlling. It was both a 'voice' -like how I talk about voices normally- and a thought in my head. It would control everything around me and cause lining up or synchronicities in the world. I think it was the voice of God.

Sometimes I feel like God holds a counsel to decide whether or not to wake up/ go back into 'psychosis'. Based on my growth/ understanding and writings. He's been telling me to stay asleep for awhile now. I can be incompetent, manic, Megalomaniac, delusional when awake/semi awake. The beings kept warning me they were going to doorslam me if I didn't fix things. And it happened. Treatment order. But God can always override that, like he has been.

It's so hard not to take the voices personally when it is personal.

Also in that state you realize it's all imaginary, everyone is you and you are all alone as God. Which is terrifying and can turn the voices negative.

The manifestation/ translation of Being is usually a quality (like love or wisdom) behind other voices or forms rather than a full manifestation like above.

Just heard -"Pay no mind what other voices say, they don't care about you like I do" - Pet, A Perfect Circle This is what I mean by I hear disembodied voices. Along with olfactory and other types of hallucinations/ supernatural phenomenon.

I am my ego self but I'm also so much more than that. Some voices try to limit me and make me feel small and separated. I feel a bonding and love with the wise voices.