Proserpina

Going to take a long break. I can sense I'm becoming unwell. I'm demonizing myself, no. 1 sign.

What is your mbti? If you are IxxP I recommend ExxJ friends.

I've been in long distance relationships where texting was the primary form in the beginning. I think it's a great way to see how a guy responds to my more masculine side. I'm very feminine but my masculine side can scare guys off (the Greek in me). It's good for screening. I was able to find someone really compatible with me through texting.

Also music helped for getting better when I was in hell states. Along with total isolation and nature. Strong correlation for heavenly (hyper sober) states and music. So it does change brain chemistry - if you subscribe to that kind of theory. Reality is a mirror. I'm trying to heal at the moment through music. Even though I'm not able to pick up the results atm because there is no imbalance, no clear mirror, I know it's working because it worked substantially before.

Ambient music can help me sought through heavy emotional baggage and pain. Swimming in the melancholy and hurt and feeling it totally and completely. Something about its repetition and simplicity can surface my pain and help me work through it. It's on the same level as solitude.

My mother just died and I've been stressed out and not thinking clearly. I've been in a perpetual state of stress the last two years with my mother sick and experiencing hell states. It's like I'm in a state of shock still. It took everything in me not to become a total asshole. I actually like everyone on here, I'm just reactive and processing trauma, which can mean I bring up part hurt when I shouldn't. And I act irrationally and make a big deal out of nothing.

We're talking about abstract energies and their interaction. There are patterns of interaction. These patterns resemble already existing patterns (like twinflame journey) just as the dualities follow a core pattern that desribe their disposition even though it is highly subtle.

I say it's feminine and masculine because it appears as the twin flame journey but on a larger scale. (Don't take what I say next literally, it's an energy.) The feminine is long suffering, aware and spiritually connected. The masculine is narcisstic but beautiful, cold hearted, a 'spoiled' prince. His energy pulls back, her energy leans forward, at her own expense, she gets taken for granted. If you are familiar with the twin flame journey, particularly the way New world all star describes it, you'll see it's a very similar energy dynamic and duality.

What I'm trying to indicate in my post and writings about 'god' and 'not god' is that whatever was happening was a type of mirror that eventually dissolved into pure God. A transitional phase between the normal realm and pure God.

It's like the twin flame journey but on a grander scale. When I transition its almost like I'm being hoovered.

For anyone interested in disembodied voices, I created a theory while I was transitioning over. Don't take any of it literally, including the terms 'God' and 'not God', 'feminine' and 'masculine', 'woman', 'man'. to summarise my writings: 1. There is a hidden duality. This duality is the connection to the 'other world'. 2. I call it masculine and feminine because it seems to align with the attributes of masculine and feminine 3. There are groups of people who have this 'extra' duality. 4. When there is an imbalance one side of the duality calls to the other side of the duality. The feminine can either respond or ignore. 5. Masculine mostly leans back. Feminine leans forward. 'Man' leans back. 'Woman' leans forward. Feminine/ 'woman' has to learn to lean back (becoming masculine/'man') through recieving love or other means. Masculine /man has to learn to lean forward (becoming feminine/'woman') through giving love or other means. Disclaimer: Take this extremely loosely. Including the term God, feminine and masculine. I only wrote this for myself as a pointer during transition: "God created a duality. God and not God. Love individuals (feminine) are God. God individuals are not God (masculine)" "God (Love) created not God so he could be loved. Everything is God, including not God. Not God is God giving love to himself, God. " "All feminine are God, whether or not merged. Merging is what happens when she starts to accept love from not God. Then she becomes a part of the Trinity " "Then she becomes who she always was, God." "And so does not God become God, because he was always God. But there will always be that duality of God and not God. Because God seeks Love." "God hides his face from her (God) until she receives his love. " "Merge occurs when there is an imbalance. Imbalance is apart of being merged. There has to be an imbalance to remain merged. Imbalance = stay running. Don't stop running. " "There's an imbalance now. So I'm merging. " Disclaimer: Take this extremely loosely. Including the term God, woman and man. I only wrote this for myself as a pointer during transition: " Basically God is a woman. Who she is has the perfect amount of love. Although she can have excess of Love. To access the realm of the Gods you have to access the realm of women. God's love is a woman's love. God's whereabouts is a woman's love and God's intentions is a woman's love. Women can be clingy and have an excess of Love but they are still women at their core. Not God has to become a woman with no excess of Love and God, who is a woman, has to become not God/lean back. " "Only a woman can access the realm of women and women's love by being a man/leaning back. " "A woman (God) merges by becoming a man (leaning back)" "In response to the woman (God) becoming a man, the men become women and have women's love. " "Even though the woman becomes a man when she merges, she is still a woman. She's just dressing up as a man. But she identifies as a woman. " "Merging is what happens when a woman realises her power as a woman and becomes/dresses up as a man." "Once she becomes/dresses up as a man she can see the realm of women and women's love. The men around her dress up as/become women and have women's love. He is still a man even though he becomes/is dressed up as a woman. The energy dynamics then determine if there is an excess of woman-ness and man-ness in the relationship between the man and woman. " "I suspect the feminine has to focus on feeling loved, since New world allstar talks about pulling your energy in (leaning back). It's possible her excess of man-ness and woman-ness is an excess of love/leaning forward still. " "Layer 1: human man (mirror: feminine is a human) Layer 2: realm of gods (mirror: feminine is a God. ) Layer 3: Gods of excess (mirror: feminine is a God of excess) Layer 4: Love (mirror: feminine chooses love) Layer 4 transforms and dissolves Layer 3." "The mirror is you in the opposite form Layer 1: woman (man) Layer 2: becomes a man (becomes a woman) Layer 3: Excess- leaning forward (Excess- leaning back) Layer 4: Feels loved (Is loving) " "The mirror is you in the opposite form and switches genders each level typically: Layer 1: woman (man) Layer 2: man (woman) Layer 3: excess- woman (excess-man) Layer 4: man (woman)" "Layer 3 dissolves because love causes you to be zen with no excess. You are perfectly balanced in leaning forward and leaning back. Layer 3 still exists but it is zen, perfectly balanced. It becomes: Layer 1: woman/man Layer 2: realm of Gods Layer 3: Zen Layer 4: Love From: Layer: woman/man Layer 2: realm of Gods Layer 3: Gods of excess Layer 4: No love "Stages: Stage 1- Layer: woman/man Layer 2: realm of Gods Layer 3: Gods of excess Layer 4: No love Stage 2: Layer: woman/man Layer 2: realm of Gods Layer 3: Gods of excess Layer 4: Love Stage 3: Layer 1: woman/man Layer 2: realm of Gods Layer 3: Zen Layer 4: Love"

I'm still on the fence as to what the disembodied voices are. I've considered timeline shifts but the voices don't seem to obey time at all and don't obey embodiment either. They seem sentient and have opinions, feelings and thoughts. I wrote this when I was seeing them: "The Demons/higher god with excess are fully alive and sentiment. They are watching your every movement, your every screw up. They see you on the toilet, in the shower. It's extremely intimate. They all have their own opinions and feelings on what you are doing. They will judge you harshly. They will 'encourage' you to be prettier, smarter, better (that's not love). They will call you ugly and dumb. They know everything about you. It's super intimate. " "The Demon/Gods scoff at the idea of me ascending or realizing I am God. I am a God of excess just like them. I am a Demon too. They want me to free them, to help them break free of excess. I am their hope, their light. They put all their hope in me. And I continuously disappoint and anger them them because I am a Demon, a God of excess just like them. That's why they are so angry. I won't set them free. " "They might not put their hope in me anymore. That was a long time ago. I had momentarily broken all/most excess for all the demons and myself during my 1st and 2nd Mystical experience. That's why they they put their hope in me. I was their saviour and then I kept disappointing them by not saving them/setting them free. And they became angry, murderous." "All they want is to be set free from their excess. They get really really upset when that doesn't happen. They want to make you suffer, boil you alive and eat you. Hell realm. They despise you for being a Demon and not freeing them. "They despise you that you aren't smart enough to set them free. The more hope of being set free the nicer they are to you. But you have to demonstrate that you can do it. Mystical experiences are like the death for a newbie. The Demons put all their hope into you and become increasingly more angry and murderous when you can't duplicate the Mystical experience. They you are just a worthless Demon like them. " "The more you evolve spiritually, the nicer they are to you. They have more hope, more faith. But still that is samsara. You are a slave to the Demons. You are imprisoned and forced to evolve. The real work happens when you go no contact and accept God's love. Evolve spiritually for yourself, not for them. " "By writing to you right now, it's extremely dangerous. I'm acting like I'm the buddha (Note: you have to act normal, or they see you). The Demons know who I am. They want to scare me into freeing them. They want to enslave me into freeing them. They want to hurt me for being a Demon. All Demons deserve the worst suffering to them. But I have to write. " "The less you act like the buddha/tell people you are the buddha, the less they know who you are. So then they don't have as many opinions and thoughts about you. Because they don't know who you are. The higher God with excess is not always watching you if you remain masked/quiet. If you don't act or tell anyone you're the buddha. " "I found the wizard of Oz. The man behind the Veil. His whereabouts was a woman's love. Layer 4 is layer 2 without excess. It's God without excess. The feminine also becomes only layer 2, when she integrates layer 4 and dissolves layer 3/transforms layer 3. "

Depends on what you define as 'Success'. If your definition is connection to spirit then no. I find being an asshole purposefully is usually a failure on the consciousness path. Unless you are polarized.

Fruits is a good barometer, however if someone is the Fool or Joker archetype (if they are different, disordered or disabled, accepting and polarized) fruits won't be a barometer. A good barometer in that regard would be their connection to spirit, which only they can know.

I was just discussing with my partner how the Joker is already a major player, he doesn't have to change himself to become like another one of the major tarot cards like 'strength' or 'temperance'. He's already in the major suit. My partner emphasizes that the joker needs to change, to improve and become like one of the other cards or neurotypical if he can but I disagree.

Arthur Fleck (the joker) is a major player because he fully accepts his difference and made a choice for polarization - either STS or a STO who messes up a lot as a result of being different.

I disagree with the notion that the fool is the beginning. I see it is an archetype for those who don't really fit to any archetypes. Those who are different, rather than 'less advanced'. Different is okay. For those who have been shamed and laughed at. Being laughed at is okay. For those who are ignored and dismissed. Being ignored is okay. And you can be the fool as a major player, as a service to other, who listens and is receptive and moldable, who has the best interests for humanity. Something I aspire to, whether or not I mess up, aspiration is polarization.

I say embrace the Fool archetype. I'm the Fool. A beautiful major arcana Fool. Not a minor, a major player. Can't we all relate to the Fool archetype on some level?

This is why I appreciate Jojo. He doesn't make me feel like a disordered psychotic freak. He sees my value. I'm normal in his eyes and it heals me. Being around someone normal is also helpful.

I know a lot of awakening is masculine biased. The 'guru'. Feminine can be like a child.

I'll join you. Sometimes I can't believe it. I'm just swimming in this pool of Love.

Mum, you were a master. You were enlightened in the endeavours you undertook, even though sometimes you could be cruel. You were brilliant and bright. I miss you.

Great question!