Proserpina

The strong unregulated emotions can be explained by my diagnosis of Borderline Personality Disorder. Although my most recent psych report analysed it was a misdiagnosis and was actually bipolar (as a part of schizoaffective). Bipolar and psychosis can easily be misdiagnosed as BPD apparently. Idk. All I know is I have very strong emotions, always have, that I’ve learnt to regulate with mindfulness and solitude. People don’t know what it’s like to have such strong emotions that cause you to become clingy, driving people away.

Just had a psychology session: She requested that I summarise the session- - Value of solitude and finding a balance - mindfulness is core to social issues (my strong emotions, attachment and inferiority complex scares people away. Mindfulness essentially solves these issues for me) - Begin stepping out into social situations now that solitude and mindfulness has trained my vibration. Push my limits. Trigger difficult emotions now that I am stronger. - Leverage non PMS to train vibration. Utilise where I am strong and allow it to shift my baseline (use mindfulness during non pms. Similar to how solitude has trained my vibration in the past) - made a visual diagram of cycle of strong emotion and being clingy + attached. Strong emotion > clingy + attached > others pull away (paradox affect, too much leaning forward) > strong emotions > clingy + attached

@Razard86 Fascinating. Thank you.

This is key. I'm addicted to drama. I've been frequently practising taking conscious breaths/ focusing on the breath and essentially dropping the drama recently. Inferior ego sticks to me like glue but I'm getting better.

Leo is a good example of an alpha male. He'll slap you into shape. Leadership capacity.

I’m going to commit to becoming genuinely conscious instead of playing conscious. A part of me performs kind acts and conscious behaviour but it’s not 100% genuine (stage blue?) so there is a slow build up of inner tension and then an eventual explosion, where people then hate me. I want to become genuinely conscious.

I think it’s very complex. You can be social in that you have empathy and you know the bells and whistles for how to appear ‘socialised’. No one would ever guess you struggle. On the surface. You know how to keep up appearances. But any deeper and your system starts to break down. Lightheaded, brain fog, autism, all your cognitive issues, all those things you want to and normally keep hidden as a girl. You know how to open your heart to a stranger you know how to smile and the pleasantries I wish people would just get that being on the spectrum is much more different for girls than it is for guys. We ‘socialize’ but we don’t socialize. See above. We are expected to be far more advanced when we are already are socially advanced compared to the masculine on the spectrum. The expectations from society are different. Friends and socialisation are overrated if you are shunned for shallow reasons. If you have empathy and a heart and you are shunned for being different, screw those people and screw socialisation.

I do think there are times Leo doesn’t actually truly know what it’s like to experience certain kinds of adversity and it is plain in how he treats the sufferer. The real world reality and consequences, the stubbornness of it. But when you then go and call them an ‘incel’, that shows a lack of empathy and an egoic will to one up to the extent of putting others down.

Socialisation is great, when self compassion is applied. A lot of socialisation does lower consciousness and of course you have to take responsibility for that but not without self compassion and gentleness. Forcing yourself to awaken doesn’t help. When I was at my ‘wokest’ I had great social skills and people were attracted to me.

You can take up a career where you can afford to be more distant and not rely on a career where you have to sacrifice that.

Have the best of both worlds. Isolation in modern society (improvement from old) while practicing kindness and love and conscious behaviour. Most conducive to awakening.

People can cause an inferior ego in me if I don’t take long stretches of time in isolation. I can be in contact but I don’t go out of my way to really socialize. I don’t know if it’s the same for anyone else. I wouldn’t really call myself desperate with long stretches. Maybe inept.

This is oddly comforting especially since I can’t make friends or socialise to save my life.

“Except I personally see playfulness instead of wit or funniness. Not necessarily a source of humor or brilliant communicator/wordsmith, but does radiate a sense of 'play' (with words, ideas, concepts, abilities, anything) “Magical powers' look a lot like delusion. And then someone has to come along and ruin the fun by telling you you're not amazing.” It looks like it was for fun, play. I was just messing around. Then things got too deep.

Sweet sirens Today I heard them again on the radio. I try to ignore but they speak such sweet words. I know if I listen though I’ll be pulled down into the depths. The highs soon replaced and the barrier between ‘reality’ and ‘dream’ further and further broken until I’m at the bottom, choking, literally. I cannot dare to listen for fun until I’m sure that my internal landscape is solid and cannot be uprooted. That I’ve tied myself to the mast of my healing and spiritual practices. Yes, people on the radio. But why can’t I have a bit of fun? I want to have fun. That’s all it is. A play with reality.

Behold a new Christ Behold the same old horde Gather at the altering New beginning, new word And the word was death And the word was without light The new beatitude Good luck, you're on your own Blessed are the fornicants May we bend down to be their whores Blessed are the rich May we labor, deliver them more Blessed are the envious Bless the slothful, the wrathful, the vain Blessed are the gluttonous May they feast us to famine and war What of the pious, the pure of heart, the peaceful? What of the meek, the mourning, and the merciful? All doomed All doomed Behold a new Christ Behold the same old horde Gather at the altering New beginning, new word And the word was death And the word was without light The new beatitude Good luck What of the pious, the pure of heart, the peaceful? What of the meek, the mourning, and the merciful? What of the righteous? What of the charitable? What of the truthful, the dutiful, the decent? Doomed are the poor Doomed are the peaceful Doomed are the meek Doomed are the merciful For the word is now death And the word is now without light The new beatitude Fuck the doomed, you're on your own

An avatar is neither or both leaning forward and leaning back (it can look like both or neither and depending on the theory can be either way). Leaning forward is more often likely to be a catalyst for doing the work than leaning back. Although anything can be a catalyst. Love (leaning forward) is more likely to do the work.

I can't tell if I'm a difficult, reactive person or if I am surrounded by difficult people. I have to say it's quite a relief to be away from Jojo. Our relationship is tumultuous, especially during certain times of the month without fail. New themes moving forward: "Letting go makes space for the new" "The truth is, unless you let go, unless you forgive yourself, unless you forgive the situation, unless you realize that the situation is over, you cannot move forward" "Be open to change, everything is temporary" Space for the new Moving forward Change Let go to let in Hope (capitilize on what is working): Milk vortex (the times of the month I am effortlessly aligned) Increased happiness/detachment from less difficult people in my life (people in general, Jojo, sisters, Dad) Meditation (milk vortex) Being I’m excited to see how much I can push my vortex forward, how much I can milk it for all that it is worth simply by doing the basics, removing obstacles and implementing very simple practices when it is easy.

I feel like the twin flame journey hits close to the truth of what it means to be god-like. Although you don't need a twinflame, all you need is to be a new feminine species that is born/created leaning all the way forward and suffers for that. Indigo children. . I know what it feels like to lean all the way forward all the time. It's not pleasant and will drive you to insanity unless you can cushion it. I'm 100% certain it played a big role in my psychoses/decline of my mental health. I like to use sound healing, music and ASMR to cushion. I'll take on the insanity if it means I'll learn how to deal with leaning all the way forward at some point. Either by leaning back simultaneously or cushioning it. I prefer to learn how to swim in deep waters. .

Unless your condition magically disappears mostly with medication like mine does I would never mix it. My condition only started after smoking weed (a type of psychedelic in its own right) a few times. I wouldn’t wish what I went through in psychosis on my worst enemy.

At 9 minutes in Aaron speaks about the energetics of leaning back and leaning forward. New world allstar says feminine naturally leans forward. The energetics are what makes up the feminine and masculine personalities, I think. Feminine is ‘cursed’ with leaning forward naturally. She is on the hero’s journey to lean back. Feminine leaning back causes some supernatural phenomena, I think. Maybe leaning forward is higher consciousness, although it repels, it is the way of God and when she leans back, she becomes god like. God is rooted in love first and foremost. When I lean back I’m magnetic and the visions start up. You’re supposed to be able to see reflections ‘below’, in the ordinary. To lean back: practice grounding connect with the earth, bury yourself dig deep inside the body, the inner energy field of the body (Eckhart tolle) Enlightenment work 1st density work (become soil, become a chair)

I don't believe we have a thread yet in the off topic section for this. I would say mine is realistically stage green with some stage yellow and turquoise.

♥

This completes me. ... no but seriously, it weirdly fills all those little holes inside of me that need intimacy and love. It's a masterpiece.