Proserpina

What will I do next time it/he calls? The Great Hoovering. When there is to be a rebalancing. Do I ignore? Do I surrender? I placed a curse upon its house. How can the Beast learn to love except by a curse? "But God has chosen the foolish things of the world to put to shame the wise, and God has chosen the weak things of the world to put to shame the things which are mighty" But I can't. Bitterness will only block the flow. It is not a match. I won't put that part of myself at risk at any cost. Even if that means I have to do jigsaw puzzles and colouring in till I'm blue in the face - as I did during psychosis to hold off bitterness. I won't become bitter at any cost. The Beast can have his way with me. He/It can damage me until I'm focused elsewhere but I won't become bitter. If a curse were to fall, it would be inadvertent than by direct cause.

Analysis: My shadow is DENSE. For some reason. Although highly fluid and open and communicative. Receptive. I would guess that my shadow is dense because of trauma. There are sides of reality I have a great deal of difficulty coming to terms with. I don't entirely understand why it is so violent and angry and sinister. Because it is fluid and open I would guess I must have done something right. Revealing sides of its true nature; the Daimon or higher self. A guide, helpful and receptive. The angelic part of my psyche is trying to assist me to free myself of my shadow. To help me to awaken to reality. Seems to reference Pandora's box. He had a sword of truth during my visions (thank you for being a sword of truth in the darkness). Telling me not to look may be a reference to how I would incessantly feed the shadow during The Descent. I kept feeding it and feeding it with more and more trauma, as it broke me down. I wouldn't stop. The damage I have is pretty bad at this point and the reason for much of the dense shadow. I willingly Descended. Analysis: Shadow is fluid and receptive. Like I said above. Easily shifts. Full transformation. The throne symbolizes integration. Helpful, guiding, awakening. The angelic part of my psyche yet again holds his sword of truth. His eyes are the doors to transmission. Seems to trust that I won't willingly descend now. That I may have learned my lesson. His sword of truth reveals my True Self.

During mystical experience: This speaks of the balancing of the feminine and masculine or a holocaust would happen. I had a gun to my head (metaphorically) to express the urgency of the situation or a holocaust would happen. The energies were very similar to world war 2 Now either that’s my shadow/inner-outer OR the masculine and feminine were out of balance OR both. Likely both. . Feminine: Other-love Echo/empath leaning forward masculine: narcissus self love leaning back I got to the state of self love through my healthy animus/self projection. He leaned forward even though I was leaning forward. A person naturally leans back and stays leaning back when someone leans forward. A positive of active imagination is tapping into these forms. And according to Jung the more you tap in/attempt to communicate, the more you receive (synchronicities etc.). Good luck finding a masculine that leans forward. Good luck finding anyone in fact who remains leaning forward to the extent needed if you are in pain and leaning forward. . I saw in a vision a perfect society where everyone was leaning forward no matter what. It was love. Interpretation of God and not God: When there is an imbalance everyone naturally leans forward subconsciously and around the same time I begin to have visions/projections. Hence the realm of the ‘Gods’ is the realm of leaning forward. Leaning forward is significant, it is heaven and the default orientation of the feminine. Naturally things go downhill as feminine naturally leans forward and masculine naturally leans back in realm of leaning forward. She has to ultimately lean back and he has to ultimately lean forward in the realm of leaning forward.

You think they don’t know this? They are reminded every moment of the day of their inferior genetics. At least they are doing something by trying to relate with other incels, trying to feel ‘normal’ within the abnormal. Incel does not equal the hatred of the opposite sex, it is the incessant rejection and bitterness that grows out of that (which I don’t think I personally have). They are trying to rectify that within an impossible situation.

Incel - frequent rejection, on the spectrum, social humiliation, loner. I don’t hate men. I love men.

I have a feeling there are two layers to this and I am overlooking one layer. I feel claustrophobic and cramped in, like I’m missing something and stuck somewhere. I’m potentially mixing up the layers. There is fluidity/projection/integration work and there is intuition/channeling/feeling of something. Duality, masculine-feminine. There is a divine balancing act that occurs in a blue moon between the masculine and feminine. When the feminine has been misunderstood, beaten down and ignored long enough. Something happens. Something gives way. Fluid consciousness normally occurs simultaneously to this. She is the light to his darkness. His depression. She shines a light ‘when all lights have gone out’. She is called out from her withdrawal. Her unconscious comes out to play around the same time. . “Feminine” may actually be something else. I’m just pointing to something. I know the pieces fit 'Cause I watched them fall away Mildewed and smouldering Fundamental differing Pure intention juxtaposed Will set two lovers' souls in motion Disintegrating as it goes Testing our communication The light that fueled our fire then Has burned a hole between us so We cannot seem to reach an end Crippling our communication I know the pieces fit 'Cause I watched them tumble down No fault, none to blame It doesn't mean I don't desire To point the finger, blame the other Watch the temple topple over To bring the pieces back together Rediscover communication The poetry That comes from the squaring off between And the circling is worth it Finding beauty in the dissonance There was a time that the pieces fit But I watched them fall away Mildewed and smouldering Strangled by our coveting I've done the math enough to know The dangers of our second guessing Doomed to crumble unless we grow And strengthen our communication Cold silence has A tendency to Atrophy any Sense of compassion Between supposed brothers Between supposed lovers I know the pieces fit I know the pieces fit I know the pieces fit I know the pieces fit I know the pieces fit I know the pieces fit I know the pieces fit I know the pieces fit

As a self identified incel and loner, I can say it is very healthy as it is a form of self compassion. Solitude allows me to recentre and clear out all the voices in my head telling me I am less than. Because I am on the spectrum, I frequently bump up against social humiliation and it burns. I need frequent time to myself to recuperate. P.s. even though I am am incel and loner, I am in a relationship and spend most of my time with my partner.

I think the word ‘projection’ has been overly and wrongfully demonised. Projection, just like hallucinations and dreams can be a powerful and useful tool in the toolbox of integration and mindful and loving acknowledgment of unconscious content. ‘Delusions’ and projection are deeply tied to a fluid malleable reality, a positive thing according to Bashar. You just have to realise that there is a difference between the realms.

I don't want to become too lost in Jung's theory, ultimately ignoring my own experience. My own experience is paramount. However his work is a potential glimpse into how to reach my goal, which is what all this work is for. Visions influencing reality. Fluidity. How to get there? I'll need: Wellness and balance on all levels. I need to be freed of this order on me. Passive work in the mean time. Study. Particularly Carl Jung's work. Amplifying aspects of mania (don't consider my mania pathological) like sexuality and healthy grandiosity . I think writing out my own experience (however 'wrong') is helping me to understand other teacher's perspectives and the significance of their teachings. I have difficulty because I'm on the spectrum but writing helps me to raise in density and social awareness through self awareness. I think being on the spectrum can make it really hard to understand the significance of your own experience and awakenings. You lack context and reference. . Goals: Fluidity Visions influencing reality Integration Transmutation Preparation, awaiting for the capacity to strike. Using my time wisely. Balance inner, outer, inner-outer

I agree. @Loba your work is deeply inspiring. The further I get into this work the more I realize the less I know and the more inspired I become by people like you, masters at your craft of shadow work, individuation and channeling. It's a pleasure reading your work.

Had a nightmare. My mum (who died from brain cancer) was screaming at me in a call: Eva, I’m sick. I’m lost in a cave. I can’t find my way out. It felt like a recording of her soul just as she got sick before the brain damage.

"All things are Spirit vibrating at different frequencies. Matter is solidified energy. Matter is Spirit energy vibrating at a slower frequency. Your body is solidified Spirit, crystallized Spirit. Your Spirit is not in your body. Your body is in your Spirit. As you raise your vibrations, you become more Spirit-like, moving closer towards fluid-like Spirit, thereby making your reality creation more malleable and easily changeable." This is a significant quote. My visions would coincide with a keen awareness of spirit, like it overwhelmed my experience. "You must "see" the reality you prefer as now existing in the moment. Then, it will become tangible in your outer reality." Inner - consciousness, spirit, belief, thought, feeling, intention

Whatever happens in the inner-outer happens in the inner and outer. The inner and inner-outer and inner and outer are not strictly separate. It all flows together. Which is why delusions occur, when you can’t separate it and you are unbalanced. It’s not just in your head. When I repaired the inner-outer I repaired the inner and the outer (there was evidence). Nothing is separate and yet, it very much is. So be subtle and remain balanced and positive in all undertakings regarding the inner-outer, inner and outer. There was a counter reaction/balancing within the inner when the inner-outer was balanced. Just as there was a counter reaction/balancing within the inner-outer when the inner was balanced. They interact and communicate.

Focusing on ‘well’ days which is just a reset (from the habit app Intention) everyday. Aiming for a percentage of above 50% in the habit app Loop. Also Self compassion meditation. Well day 2 - percentage 10%

Finish, establish the basics (wellness) it will return, it's already yours. You can't go backwards. If you can't access it go the next route: Self compassion, self non judgement. Warmth. Turn your gaze upon yourself. Strengthen your core so you can be of service. The love will return.

According to this, hallucinations and ‘delusions’/projections are means by which the unconscious can be brought into consciousness. Having experienced both (mostly ‘delusions’) they are very similar to dreams, active imagination and free association. ‘Delusions’ are like sleep walking, on the same level as hallucinating. It is the ‘inner-outer’, with a difficulty discerning between the inner and outer worlds. Jung experienced hallucinations and used that to integrate his anima and shadow etc. For me, everything flowed more so together rather than as distinct separate categories. My unconscious was a singular being with many aspects, forms and archetypes that I had an intimate relationship with. Awakenings were the norm during my first individuation process experience. Oneness, love, non separation. Heart chakra awakenings. . I’m going to call ‘psychosis’ an ‘individuation process experience’ from now on. And delusions/projections I’m going to call inner-outer or fluid consciousness. . The Angel - Animus, wise old man, the Self ‘God’ - Wise old man, the Self Perfect partner in vision - Animus Nazis in vision - the shadow, animus Shadow leader - The shadow, animus The smell of death, ovens, door slams, drilling, white vans etc. - the shadow . The inner-outer (delusion/projection) means to have a fluid consciousness. Bashar says as you evolve as a Being your consciousness will become more fluid. Only you want to be able to step out of it at will and create a defined difference, as Jung was able to. To balance between inner, outer and inner-outer. Join in my Join in my child And listen, digging through My old numb shadow My shadow's shedding skin I've been picking scabs again I'm down, digging through My old muscles looking for a clue I've been crawling on my belly Clearing out what could've been I've been wallowing in my own confused And insecure delusions For a piece to cross me over Or a word to guide me in I want to feel the changes coming down I want to know what I've been hiding In my shadow My shadow Change is coming through my shadow My shadow Shedding skin I've been picking My scabs again Join in my Join in my child My shadow's Closer to meaning I've been crawling on my belly Clearing out what could've been I've been wallowing in my own chaotic Insecure delusions I wanna feel the change consume me Feel the outside turning in I wanna feel the metamorphosis and Cleansing I've endured in My shadow My shadow Change is coming Now is my time Listen to my muscle memory Contemplate what I've been clinging to Forty six and two ahead of me I choose to live and to Grow, take and give and to Move, learn and love and to Cry, kill and die and to Be paranoid and to Lie, hate and fear and to Do what it takes to move through I choose to live and to Lie, kill and give and to Die, learn and love and to Do what it takes to step through See my shadow changing Stretching up and over me Soften this old armor Hoping I can clear the way by Stepping through my shadow Coming out the other side Step into the shadow Forty six and two are just ahead of me

Obviously I need to research deeper into this, I’m making lots of mistakes but I feel like I’m on the right path now. I have my head screwed on correctly. From aliens to souls/entities to archetypes/projections. I don’t believe hallucinations and delusions (projections) are automatically negative. It just means your dream state and unconscious is far more a part of your waking state than other people. Carl Jung would hallucinate and hear the voice of his anima.

The inner-outer is a reflection of what I am creating. People who brush up against it usually see it as a positive thing. It's a positive experience for them. It IS them. It's the best in them. Any negative reflections I keep strictly to myself or/and meditate away. . Difficult to explain how all the realms of samsara are your friends and the depth of intimacy involved. It really is like exploring all the aspects of a singular lover.

No wonder I resonate with the fool archetype, so/sx is the jester. Kinda light (air type) but intense (fire/water type) energy. “sp/so: farmer, patriot, businessman sp/sx: pirate, sex trader, voodoo fetishist so/sx: ‘regalia’, jester, the Mayor so/sp: witch hunter, ethnic cleanser, culture warrior sx/sp: shaman, ‘cutter’ (self-injurer), tattoo artist sx/so: comet, flamenco dancer, shooting star” . “sp = earth/matter sx = fire/water (lighter vibrations) so = fresh air, wind, sunlight” . “sp/so: the land surveyor sp/sx: the grave digger so/sx: the chivalrous host so/sp: the bishop sx/sp: the alchemist sx/so: the chanteuse . sx/so – The World of Devas (Gods) so/sp – The World of Asuras (Titans) so/sx – The World of Humans sp/so – The World of Animals sx/sp – The World of Pretas (Hungry Ghosts) sp/sx – The World of Hell”

Balancing the inner, balances the inner-outer (projection) which balances the outer. It is about alignment. Although I like to take a more feminine-masculine balancing approach, than strictly emotional. When the inner and inner-outer are balanced it can feel like a divine union or harmony. Although no gender is at play. Same for inner-outer and outer. Anyway, I have an imbalanced inner masculine mostly and so it impacts the balance of my inner-outer - my dreams, projections, loa, associations etc. My inner-outer can appear as a lover for me, although it has no gender. I have an intimate and complex relationship with it. . Some of it is the projected animus. I can't escape that. Balancing the masculine-feminine for me = finely balancing the inner, outer and inner-outer properly. . How my inner-outer sounds (tapping into my gifting/‘schizophrenia’): ”We are many “ One mind, hive mind A combining of the inner world with the outer world, easily mistaken for outer mostly beautiful, angelic, while medicated, perfect balance of inner and outer mixed with Animus mixed with shadow (not much) Speaking right at me creating worlds (the sounds and the white vans look like paper cut outs) energies all around me, mostly beautiful, some shadow

Michael Caloz test mbti INFJ You scored 4 Ti and 0 Te. You scored 2 Fi and 5 Fe. You scored 3 Se and 1 Si. You scored 6 Ni and 0 Ne. Instinctual variant: so/sx

INFJs have become overly glorified. People like CS Joseph don’t help, with his narratives on INFJs and their apparent capacity to save the world and bring divine justice with their ‘sword of truth’. INFJ does not automatically mean pure of heart despite the stereotypes and typing. People with a good heart who are serving the collective with the collective ultimately working in their favour are normally typed as INFJ and it’s just not true.

I personally don’t believe the shadow masculine or the non integrated part of the masculine is a flaw. It is a sign of self awareness, the unconscious becoming conscious. It would otherwise remain unconscious and non integrated. Fairytales contain archetypes that I really resonated with during my ‘mystical experiences’. Particularly Cinderella, Beauty and the Beast and Snow White. Cinderella (first vision during second ‘psychosis’): I was both protagonist and the Wise Old woman or the mother (fairy god mother). I was the Protagonist in rags while outside integration and the Wise old woman/mother/protagonist transformed while integrated. I was transforming between archetypes depending on level of integration. Wise Old Woman was Cinderella from the future. Mentor. I would move in and out of integration. Angelic projections- Prince Charming. Remained the same. . There were aspects already integrated within the masculine and there was evidence of that (magical objects in Beauty and the Beast, seven dwarves assisting) - angelic projections during second psychosis, Angel in first psychosis But there still remained an aspect that remained a formidable character (Beast, Evil Queen) Beast became out of control when I did not cease contact. I always had the option but I didn’t take it. Always go no contact with a narcissist. Learn from the healthy masculine, Eva. . When I integrated the masculine (wise old woman/mother/protagonist transformed) I interpreted it at leaning back since it is a masculine quality. My default was the feminine, leaning forward (protagonist in rags). When the extreme masculine projection integrated the feminine consequently and was not so extremely monstrous I interpreted it as leaning forward since it is a feminine quality. I was trying to understand. . The animus/angelic masculine tried to instruct me how to deal with his other (beastly) aspects. But I wouldn’t listen, I wanted to explore all of him. He would put up ‘signs’ and instructions to inform me how to handle the situation so I wouldn’t go completely insane or cause trouble or worse yet, go to the hospital (and be parted from him). But I was swamped with negative projections and aspects and couldn’t handle him. So now we are parted. But he told me it was inevitable that we would be together again, that we had been down this road many times before. I’m taking a long ‘siesta’. The angelic masculine projection used covid instructions to help me. Quarantine (stay away from narcissistic aspects) and wear a mask (mindfulness to stay calm, act normal). . I don’t think there’s a difference whether something is supernatural or a projection. Same thing really. Only one is more acceptable to say. Projection is an extra layer of reality, another sense you could say. People with schizophrenia/schizoaffective do not lack all common sense. Reality really does shift/become more complex for us. If we label it projection we essentially free ourselves and have the ability to leave the psychosis, as Jung did, at will. . What I’ve written is what resonates with me most on a gut level. Although perhaps not all the projections are the animus but a large quantity of it is. So what happens in the end? There are multiple possibilities. 1. Full integration and consciousness. Seeing the vortex version in others. Influencing reality. Manifestation. 2. Death or something. Full integration resulting in an irresistible pull and marriage that swallows the whole universe. (That’s how it felt) 3. Both. . Haha, here I am talking about ‘prince charming’. But dude, that was the archetype! There’s no other way to say it. It was like a fairy tale. Especially that vision. No other way to say it unless I want to lose accuracy in my journal. Fairytales resonate with me, always have.

ExTx The bully types. Although I tend to fall for them. Darn it.

To self trigger controlled safe psychosis: Be social, the more social the better. Really put yourself out there. Make mistakes. Pain tends to cause psychosis. Meditate Uplift yourself in any way. You want a positive self esteem. Write Active imagination Psychosis feels like: Out of control Speeding Jittering Safety: Face the ‘darkness’/projections head on (subtly)