creator20

Thank you so much for your input. You're right I think overall I need to be more present in my relationships instead of trying to micromanage the future. It's funny how the victim mentality is sometimes so embedded in the thoughts I have that I fail to recognize it as a victim mentality.

Every time I start talking to a man and really start to get committed to the relationship there always seems to be some obstacle (ex. He all of a sudden wants to move across the country, he gets a new job out of the blue in a place where I would not be able to see him often, etc...) and at any mention of him potentially doing something where I would inevitably no longer be in the picture deeply bothers me and makes me feel hopeless in the moment to the point where it's difficult for me to hide or let go of the feeling of sadness. I am young (21) and talk to men around my age who are inevitably on the trajectory toward attempting to build their careers so it would be unreasonable for me to expect much different. I'm not exactly what one would call 'clingy' in a relationship, but I do like to have a sense of security and stability- However, this might be an unreasonable expectation at this point in my life as well. I want to be able to hold relationships with people and to cherish them while they last instead of constantly worrying about if and when they will leave. The sheer mention of someone I'm dating moving or pursuing something away from me sends me into a state of detachment where I feel as if it foolish of me to continue to open up and develop more feelings for the person despite wanting to be vulnerable with them.

To preface this, I'm a woman, age group of friends 20-24; I'm not going to sit & place a judgment on every woman who has used a dating app, this is purely from my own anecdotal experiences & is not to be taken as a blanket assumption or fact, but the women I know that use these dating apps only use them to seek an excess amount of validation from men. On the other hand, I have one friend who used the app for the same reasons but actually ended up finding a good guy & they have been in a relationship for 2 years. You can usually tell if someone is going to be of interest to you by reading their profile. A lot of high caliber women I know (A bit older maybe 24-27) don't subject themselves to the low level interactions that often occur on these apps; They tell me that they don't have the desire or time for it. Plus a good amount of people on these apps aren't necessarily looking to meet the love of their life if you catch my drift. But don't let this stop you if you're interested in meeting new people this way. You never know who you will meet & you may be pleasantly surprised.

I have had success with some people, yes. The people I've had success with were more of the easily persuaded & open minded type though. Someone who is stubborn about the idea right off the bat likely isn't ready to be helped.

Obviously I don't know who this woman is as a person or how legitimate her claim was of her "wanting a long term relationship." But, as a woman who has heard similar things, I would keep my expectations rather low on this one after the events & conversations that went down. It's no secret you didn't play your cards as well as you could have in terms of seduction, but it's a lesson learned. Perhaps you made a valuable friend, perhaps you helped her come to some realizations for herself, perhaps you genuinely helped another person improve their life & overcome some issues. Regardless of whether or not you got laid, you had a mystical experience with another human being as you said. If you are going to make any attempt to dial this back a few notches, I would say do not contact her for a few days to let the date blow over a bit in her memory. The next time you speak, if you speak, keep the conversation fun & playful & stay emotionally detached from needing sex or anything from her. Keep it cool, calm, & collected, flirt a little bit and see how she responds. If she responds well to some light flirting, you may have your second chance at saving this - If her attitude has changed toward you since the date or if she doesn't seem to be as on board with the flirting as she was previously, let go of any expectations & move on as you see fit. Failures are critical to future successes.

If you want to gain muscle all of that cardio is going to be counterproductive to doing that. And if that's the only way you can get to a gym, then you'd have to eat way more food than you do & you already said your appetite was poor. I don't know your situation entirely, but if it's possible, until you can get reliable transport, I would invest in a home gym type situation. Either that or you're going to have to force feed yourself more calories. The only way to get bigger (Besides the lifting) is to eat more calories. I don't know how it is in Ireland, but in the US they have mass gainer you can buy from the store that has 1200 calories per scoop, so if that's an option for you I'd look into that.

I'll just be blunt, whenever my significant other, mom, dad, etc... doesn't text me back in an average amount of time or has their phone off (Which is unusual), I automatically think that they're dead. I will truly sit & work myself up over the thought of them possibly having have gotten into a car accident or dying somehow & no matter how mindful I try to be, there's always that intrusive thought trying to come in that someone close to me has died even when I have no evidence to support this other than no text back or a non-delivered text message. I know why this happens to me. In the past, my significant other called me drunk in distress telling me that he felt like he was going to die & that he couldn't breathe screaming for help on the phone while he was on vacation, and then all of a sudden his phone died & I was anxious for his wellbeing all throughout the night. I tried to text him 100 times, but none of the texts delivered. I was in a panicky state until I got a call from one of his friends hours later telling me that he was ok. Ever since that incident, I have had these anxious intrusive thoughts whenever someone I care about does not respond to me in a timely manner or when my messages don't deliver. I know logically that the thoughts are catastrophic & unlikely to be true- But this doesn't translate emotionally for me. I still get very worked up & if I manage to calm myself down I'm still left with a very uncomfortable & mildly anxious feeling until I do get that text back. If anyone has experienced this same thing any insights/coping mechanisms/advice would be appreciated

I've been in a pretty solid relationship since I was 15 (19 now) so I haven't had much of a chance to reject men. However, I do have compassion and empathy for someone who has the confidence to put themselves out there in a well mannered fashion who ends up getting rejected. I'm well aware women can have a very cruel demeanor toward men. However, in many cases, I'm also aware that this is likely due to a myriad of bad/traumatizing experiences that they have had with men in past scenarios. A lot of women have become very cynical toward men approaching them because oftentimes when men approach women they do not make much of an effort to disguise their true intentions. Women can easily detect ulterior motives, a lot of them take offense to a man approaching them in ways they deem to be awkward, bothersome, or inappropriate, thus, they have very little sympathy. I also have empathy for incels. However, I can also empathize with people's ostracization of them. I think a lot of 'feminists' (& not even feminists just society in general) feels the need to ostracize incels because of the press they get. Whenever someone hears or sees something said or written by an incel it's more likely than not going to be some extremely radical post about how 'foids' should be allowed to be raped or killed or something along those lines. It's not easy for the average individual, especially a woman, to empathize with a group that degrades their very existence. The moderate incels get washed away by the extremists.

I have had some friends with horrible abusive upbringings who sought out help & are in a much better place in their lives now. Since reality is largely based on one’s own perception of it, I just don’t know how you could say with this much confidence that you are forever a victim & that there is absolutely nothing you can do to change that ever in your life & also that this is an ‘objective fact.’ I can see that you have self awareness, I can assume by what you said & how you said it that you’ve been through some bad shit, but I can not bring myself to agree with you that you’re just fucked forever because of your past. And to your point about handicapped people being victimized: I have associated with a few mentally handicapped people in my life, family friends, & these people did not strike me as miserable people. They have obstacles for sure, but the ones I have associated with were charming & happy people. I don’t think you can make the assumption that solely because these people are not what one would consider normally functioning that they are doomed to hate themselves & their lives forever. These people may appear to be 'victims' by your definition of it, but not every mentally handicapped person carries out their life in a depressive victimized way.

I have looked deeply into the incel community because their worldview fascinates me in a way. When I first got into reading about it, as a woman it was kind of irking to read all the posts about how women should be subject to rape or torture & how they are a sub-human species but once I started reading some of the more moderate viewpoints relating to their constant rejections & low self esteem, I actually started to empathize a bit with some of the incels. It made me wonder if some people really are damned because of their physical appearance when it comes to attracting a partner or if it's just a lack of effort to improve one's appearance. I know a lot of incels hold themselves back with their own victim mentality, negative self image, & radical views on women & society, but in the case where someone is (by Western societal standards) physically unappealing due to some facial flaw or bodily abnormality, what would be a good solution for this? Do you think it's the case that some people will just never be able to find a partner due to the flaws in their appearance or do you think that there always someone for everyone? Just want to broaden my perspective on this.

Let it go appears to be the top answer- However, I know that's not always easy to just do. If I was in your situation I would gain a lot of insight on your friend's behavior & then sit them down & try to explain to them that you are concerned for their psychological wellbeing with the way that they've been treating you & others. If you have this conversation from a place of genuine compassion & concern then maybe it will spark a change & bring some self awareness to your friend. If this doesn't work, then you will eventually have to distance yourself from the toxicity.

I wouldn't emotionally distance myself from my parents solely because they are at a different stage. Perhaps instead of full on telling them that you have completely different views & that you no longer value their religious ideologies, you could tune them in to some of the insights you have & see how well they respond?? If they don't respond well, then you'll just have to bite the bullet & live your life authentically. Have compassion for them & love them where they are at.

A difficult thing for me was diving head first into self development work while everyone else in my life stayed the same. As I began to develop myself more I felt very alienated from the people in my life- Like I could not relate to them the same way I used to be able to. But ultimately it has been rewarding because 1. I don't feel a need to have many friends in my life because I am happy with my own company & 2. Because I have attracted more conscious people into my life.

I'm not going to deny that my post lacks context but the reason it does is because I'm not able to recall precisely how I was gripping the steering wheel 5 months ago, what song was playing on the radio, whether or not the car was clean, & the myriad of minute details that would make a rather miniscule difference conversationally. I'm stating the scenario as I perceived the scenario. I know it seems ludicrous that a man would randomly say some of these things to me & that one would come to the conclusion that I MUST have done something equally as ludicrous to provoke it, but from my perspective on the situation, I know that I'm not someone who conversationally stirs the pot for absolutely no reason. I'm not the type to intentionally try to provoke someone's insecurities & competitive nature with my personae. Which has lead me to believe that my exhibition of more 'masculine' traits provokes the men in my life to the point where they feel a need to try & have these conversations with me in an undermining tone. My meta-justification is based on me living in the United States where we are not (for the most part) in a constant physical life or death situation where underminingly bringing up the conversation of who is more capable of surviving a threat is irrelevant other than to try & peg superiority. I have no issue with fact-based discussions not because of my 'logical' mind, but because they tend to be more productive & level headed conversations that are not defensive emotional outbursts about which sex is more superior based on one's own bias & insecurity toward their own sex. I agree with your last point. After some reflection I'm not sure if this is so much my problem; It might be more of a problem other people have with how I present myself as a woman.

I would but I'm 19 so I'm not sure if I'd have too much in common with them lol