Hello. I just made this throwaway account so I can get these thoughts out there somehow. I just want an outlet where I can write this out anonymously since I feel really bad right now. I really really dont know why I keep coming back to this guy even though - in my head - I know hes not good for me.
I am deeply embarrassed. Ive known this person for years. Our relationship is nothing more than a bootycall. We dont see each other often, which makes this even more nonsensical imo.... because why would I be so attached to someone I dont see often and is clearly harming me?
What we have has been pretty brainfuck-y from the start. Ever since I got to know him, nothing he does (his actions, behavior, speech, etc) nothing made sense to me. E.g. Im a pretty enthusiastic and open person but hes extremely closed off and aloof. Our sexual encounters are usually only to please him. As in, we only do what he suggests and everything goes after his rules, he tells me when we meet up, etc. which in itself isnt bad but all things considered proves how self-centered he is and doesnt respect me (he shuts me off when I make a suggestion usually).
One time he forced me to do something sexually that I had clearly refused to do. I felt so awful during and after and when I asked him why he did what he did he responded "You could have just said no.", when that was what I was clearly doing. He heard me object but still continued.
We met again last month (I know some of you must shake your head lol) and an incident happened that was hugely embarrassing to me. When that happened I panicked and tried to do some damage control even though the incident that happened was my body´s automatic response and just something that can generally happen during the practice.
Still, it made me feel so incredibly humiliated and I apologized a thousand times and cleaned up. I did expect him to be upset/disgusted but I didnt expect him to humiliate me even more after that happened. He knew 100% what happened and how embarrassed I was, yet acted clueless because he wanted me to say out loud why I stopped. It felt like he was scolding me.
My friends tried to cheer me up and say that what happened to me during sex isnt a big deal because its something that can just happen and is natural. But I dont know how I will recover from this humiliating incident.
I dont know where Im going with this post tbh... Ive been looking for answers and advice online from other people who might be in the same situation. Usually I see people say "You have to dump him/cut him off" which is 100% the right thing to do... but I keep failing to do that. I keep letting him back in my life and even miss him after a while. And he most likely takes advantage of that. Im also a person who doesnt let people in easily, so its not like I could easily get to know someone else and just forget him.
I want to thank you in advance for reading this post and for the comments. Maybe some of you guys were in a situation like this and successfully removed said person.
TL;DR My hookup is not doing me good and even though Im aware of this in my head, I dont know how to effectively cut ties with him. He loves to humiliate/degrade me and doesnt respect me clearly. Our sexual encounters are very one sided. He made me feel worse after a recent incident that was very embarrassing to me. I keep letting him back for reasons Im not sure of.
