ZenSwift

@PurpleTree Hmmm, What time are you taking it? You would need to verify for yourself if this a good idea, but I use melatonin to get to sleep.

@LSD-Rumi I have. Stay away from stimulants like these. They fuck your shit up. They make you depressed and even more unfocussed for days after. They tone down and mute your ability to experience emotions. You just become emotionally flat. They can make you depressed as a result of this as well. It's not worth it. Modafinil and Armodafinil are far superior. It's like the benefits of adderall without the bullshit that comes from adderall. And I believe it's way better for your brain and overall mental health. Also, make sure you have stapled down a healthy diet, sleep routine and exercise. These three pillars are MASSIVELY underestimated in fixing your life. Also use Leo's video on heavy metal detox. Use psychedelics to deconstruct your limiting beliefs around focus and have them inspire you to destroy your laziness. That is way better than taking something like ritalin/adderall.

December 18th 2021 LSD Trip 003 Beforehand I familiarized myself with several of Leo's teachings. Probably more than I name here: What is Consciousness? What is Actuality? What is Perception? What is Intelligence? What is Will? What Love? What is Death? Understanding Bias Guided exercise for realizing you are God? What is Fear? What is Reality? Integrating the lessons from building your existential vocabulary. Plus I have watched most of Leo's videos at least once. So I supposedly plugged around 75-80mcg And then supposedly took around 20mcg sublingually. (In total, only about 100mcg entered my body max.) So, if, theoretically, plugged doubles the dose, then I'm not at 75-100mcg But more like 150-200mcg >I totally forgot to set an classical focused intention. An intention such as: Contemplating what is consciousness. I just intuitively wanted to connect all my knowledge and go for ego death. I also wanted to see how far I could go into enlightenment work on just LSD, before pulling out the big guns of 5meo. In my mind, I figured that just a "simple ego death" was holding me back, and in theory that made sense, but what I am coming to learn is that the LEVEL of ego death required was more than just a simple fear wipe of questioning things like death. I really believe, there are different degrees of ego death. It's a spectrum. This also helps with understanding the idea of the degrees of awakening. Just what we call "ego death" or what we call "awakening" are just benchmarks into how deep your ego death/awakening is. >The intention I did have was a recipe for a rough trip, because in my mind I knew I was going to rub up against fear, so it was just a self fulfilling prophecy. >It came on so fast, so much faster than I was ready for. It freaked me out. Plus, I totally forgot what dose range I was in if plugging indeed doubled it. So I was thrown into a world of fear right away. It was super unepic. If I wasn't under the intention of consciousness work, then this hell I was about to enter would be demonized. But rather I later used my fear to understand what was going on as much as I could stomach. >At about 10 minutes in I already started to feel the effects kicking in. Visuals at 20 minutes Things are already moving at 24min All my plans are gone Like I forgot to set an intention. Growth happens a lot faster than you anticipate it. >The LSD came on so fast and so hard that it was mega anxiety inducing, like I felt I needed to explode! I NEEDED to die (ego death). That would be my only mercy. Which makes me ask exactly What an ego death is. Because I can cry and let go into the fear, and then the fear would be gone, but I know I could let go of my notion of physical perceived reality itself, and I would call that an even deeper ego death, a more true ego death I would say, where you actually let go of the notion that your body exists to begin with. >All the insights were interconnecting so much faster than I could stomach and handle. Like holy fuck this work is becoming REAL. >At one point while being super scared on the rough come-up, I think, for a brief moment, I became conscious of how I was imagining my skull. Later this fed deeper into my understanding in which how reality is held together with emotional glue. Your attachment is deeply intertwined with "physical" reality itself, which is WHY it's so goddamn terrifying to wipe away all these illusions and hallucinations that you as God has created for yourself. >A psychedelic, fundamentally, wipes away your imaginations holding reality together. Courage is walking while your feet are on fire. >When I wrote this I was mega scared, shit was fucked as fuck. I was walking into other rooms, changing my clothes, listening to different music, walking outside, walking inside, trying to change the environment, I was spiraling down more and more. I quickly learned that this was a loosing battle, and I had either the choice suffer, or go straight towards what I was fearing and kill my ego. My ONLY comfort was listening to Leo with his video: Guided Exercise for Realizing You are God. Trying desperately to ground myself by looking at my hand. Needless to say I may have taken too much. It was intense getting acclimatized to the new body load/higher vibration/whatever. LSD spirals you into the story you tell yourself. >Eventually I reached a point and I said, "I GIVE UP! I LET IT GO I LET IT GO, I LET IT GO! I LET IT ALL GO! >Then that eventually turned into crying and that was the BEST thing that happened on the trip. It felt AMAZING! Hooting and hollering, sitting on my kitchen floor. WAAAH! WAAAH! I wanted to cry louder but I was worried that the neighbours would hear and come and knock on my door. >My trip completely turned inside out from fear to bliss and calm. It was silent. I'm crying and crying I feels so good to cry At this point after the good cry, it was 2 hours and 30 minutes >I had my fear wiped away at this point. So it was easier to contemplate the tougher topics. I'm ready. What is death? I want to be able to look at my hand and then look at an object and not be able to tell the difference. >#Goals. Fear is the difference between what "should" be and what IS. Your stories, your attachments to what reality should be And what is. What is, is. I told a story to myself that the trip SHOULD come up X Fast, then it came faster, then I got scared. >The comeup was waaayyy too fast, super unexpected. Fear is feeling more of yourself. >You're just uncomfortable with feeling the parts of yourself that you fear. I was experiencing fear Then eventually I just let it all go because it drove me to tears, the pain. Then I was great. Then I'm coming down, and fear is setting in again. >I feel like I shed the fear that the ego created for me, and then the ego was clamping back down on me with more fear. The ego is encapsulated in a nest of fears to put it in a context. >Fears is what locks you into your paradigm. Death is the breaking apart of imagined boundaries. And there are emotions keeping them in place. Emotions are what reinforce the boundaries of reality. >I now see the role emotional mastery plays in awakening work. I need to read the book: Becoming Infinite. I'm thinking about how I need to shake loose the boundary between my emotions going in and out of death. In and out of the emotionally gated imagined boundaries. Like coming back down to earth so we speak, coming back down to earth is a process of fear. I think this is what can be described as the ego "clamping down" on you. That "clamping" mechanism is fears sneaking their way back into reality. And it's to FEEL deeply into the fear to get out of that clamping process. When talking about manifestation, manifesting a new reality, you must first lose your mind enough in order to consider the new possibility for a new reality to be created, then once that mind is open enough then you can actually make that the case. I'm starting to understand how rough it is to awaken. Consciousness work is some real manly shit. I would argue that it is more important to pay attention to the come up and the come down then the actual trip itself. Because it is in between you and the trip is where you want feel that very deeply to merge it with your actual reality. And in that merge is full of fear, is full of discomfort, is uncomfortable, makes you feel Fully Alive, makes you feel going insane, makes you scared, makes you psychotic. I understand why Leo says plugging is better with the slower come-up because you are able to understand what is happening to you. How to Merge with Enlightenment. Pay attention to that nothingness. Patiently keep yourself there as long as you can. Merge with it. ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ I am imagining a reality I have to figure out in order to manipulate. Like I am imagining the boundaries between me and greater knowledge. I'm imagining a "physical" world that I have to "do science" in. I understand the idea of a spiritual emergency. You need to take it to the end for that release. I understand how you can scare yourself off of psychedelics for awhile, when to deconstruct too much, too fast for you to handle. Too fast for you to accept and come to terms with. Learning to draw is LITERALLY learning how to create illusion. Selling something of "value" is LITERALLY selling an illusion. Simply because everything in reality is illusory! Psychedelics just shake boundaries loose, and creates new connections. What is an ego death? What is a "ego death"? What's the difference between letting go of the fear of death, and dying? What's the difference between letting go of the fear of death, and letting go of the idea that your body exists? "Ego death" appears to be a spectrum. Like there are many facets of reality that you can deconstruct that will also kill parts of your perceived self. I have created an understanding between Fear and Funny Fear is merging with an idea that you're close minded with. Merging your consciousness with a unpleasant idea. You cry when you merge with it. Funny its merging with an idea that you're open minded with. Merging your consciousness with a pleasant idea. You laugh when you merge with it. They're both just emotions to express the difference between merging with parts of yourself. >I'm starting to understand the possibility of being able to look at reality as imagination manifested as "matter". I had a serious curiosity to ask about death to the people around me, and I wanted to feel it deeply. And when I did, I cried and then felt love. I MERGED with it. 12 hours in, still tripping, still having visuals. >I think for me, LSD lasts at least 16+ hours, no matter the ROA. I am really understanding the value of curiosity in this work. If you're not willing to experience fear, you have no fucking chance of getting enlightened. Post Trip I woke up and I am stepping into a new sensitive energy body of myself. I feel like I've expanded a part of my consciousness into new areas that I was previously too scared to entertain. My mind is open enough to much more comfortably visualize the pain and suffering that goes around physical death or loss of self. Like, for example, I can more comfortably imagine my dog's jaw being ripped off, and explore the feeling of the pain of loss, investigate my attachment to my dogs being okay. Or imagining what it would mean if I lost my left leg. Investigating that idea and the feelings and attachments that come with it. I can imagine what it would feel like to live with loosing the fingers from my hand. I have a deeper understanding with the correlation with death and merging with infinite love. I learned if I am having a bad trip, I just need to lean into the fear and go for an ego death, then the fear gets wiped away. I'm learning that my notions of ego is much more deeply interwoven with "physical" reality than I previously understood. To Do Study books on 5MeO. Questions How do you define ego death? How do you define ego? Thanks for reading!

Just wanted to share a quick 1 minute clip that gave me some serious insight/shock into just how much language plays a part in your reality. https://youtube.com/shorts/x1lcPLW8Cfs?feature=share The amount of devilry is insane! A couple of comments from that video: I'm going to take building my existential vocabulary a lot more seriously now...

I just asked my mom that's a therapist: The strongest indicator for successful outcome with a therapist is a strong emotional connection with your therapist. Feeling heard, and building trust, and not feeling judged are essential. Your therapists ability to connect is outside of designations. It cannot be taught easily. It's an implicit skillset.

@SelfHelpGuy Good Find.

I like this line of thinking. If I was to continue that idea... When you're trying to love someone, find ways to get in their shoes, understand their history, understand that if you had their history, you would manifest exactly as them. It's like digging for ways to see reality in their eyes. You both like dark souls? You've both experienced through your eyes the gameplay of dark souls. So I guess then that also means the more you experience in life, the more you can relate to other people. The more suffering you experience, the more you can relate with other people that have suffered. That really makes me think about those trip reports where people claim to have lived through the eyes of several lives. NOW THAT would be something to massively grow your love for the universe. Wouldn't also surrendering to the most horrific trips grow your love for the universe? Like not just DMT, LSD, or Shrooms, but stuff like Salvia... Just some ruminations off the cuff...

What's the difference? I'm learning about the surrender required for 5meo, precisely WHAT is surrendered. Which is absolutely everything you call "reality". And I'm thinking, when you're on the psychedelic, and in that moment that you feel that you're going to die forever, how do you distinguish THAT from a Mahasamadhi? Where you ACTUALLY leave your body? How do you distinguish Awakening (Dying/Ego death, realizing all of reality is imagination) from Mahasamadhi? My ego is creating a fantasy that I will somehow accidently kill myself via Mahasamadhi if I surrender too fully on 5meo.

@Leo Gura @Gregory1

Insights about Love, Manifestation, Teaching, Reality, Sexuality, Personal Development, Shrooms, and more. December 27th 2021 Dosage: 2 grams of African Transkei strain mushroom, these are regarded for potency and high visuals. So I'm definitely testing it out. Now that I'm writing this in the future, I would say that the Penis Envy Stain is stronger. Taken at 11:21AM as a lemon tek tea, and I also grounded the shroom with a coffee grinder such that it's a fine POWDER. I added the lemon juice, let sit for 5 mins, added water boiled from the kettle, let it soak for 20 minutes, and then strained and discarded the solid bits. Doing it this way makes the trip hit really fast and really hard. My initial Intentions: What is Clarity? What is Curiosity? What is Creativity? Ideas for my business. >These intentions weren't seriously held, and as a result I actually ended up thinking about what was already on my mind. And that led to some different insights that were also very valuable. 17 min Starting to feel the onset 21 min Getting dizzy 24min Yawns, so many yawns. I need to premeditate my intentions for like 5 minutes focus before I take it. >This was me reflecting on my crappy intention setting skills. 26 min Feeling a massive body come up >I get an amazing body high, like a bunch of vines are growing in my body like a parasite and constricting me, taking hold of me. Designs on a Tapestry moving 30 min Heavy body load 39 min Tingling in my fingers and my limbs 39 min Tingling in my fingers and my limbs 45 min Yawning and tired like crazy. You can have unwanted imagination, like looking at your cute dog and imagining it getting skinned down to a skeleton. >Yeah, so your imagination on shrooms is supercharged and effortless in this way. 55 min Giggly >I'd say the majority of the trip lasted 5-7 hours. Duality needs to be created to maximize the love of the universe. I want to love everything that I've created. (as God) >Note that I have zero awakenings or even mystical experiences yet. I have yet to even realize baby insights like no-self. Life is learning about how to love. I teach people how to love their ideal self. To love discipline. To love routine. To love excellence. To love the idea of destroying their perceived barriers between the story of who they think they are now and the story of their ideal self. To love the action of suffering through a very challenging practice routine. To love doing the shadow work they need to do to rid their addictions To love being curious about life in order to find what they're authentically passionate learning about. To love the idea of healing their past and rewriting their story to become their ideal self. etc. I think the archetype of Shrooms is love. I initially saw shrooms as a tool of catharsis, but now I see that the catharsis is a byproduct of the mechanism of love at work. Shrooms fudge your boundaries of reality, which is a collapsing of dualities, which is love. All insights come from love. (When it comes to the topic of manifestation) You ARE IT! YOU ARE ALREADY WHAT YOU MANIFEST! YOU JUST MAKE ACTIONS TO PROVE IT! I understand what they mean now with Manifestation. You are ALREADY the person you ought to be. Imagine this. You are actually someone from another dimension that has already accomplished all the things you've wanted to. But now you've been transported into this body, into this universe, and now you simply have to prove you're already the case. You need to rewrite the books, redo the consciousness work, redo the speaking practice, and you doing this is just you proving that you are already it. It comes from a deep place of love. You become a fountain of love by loving your ideal self much that you are already it, and then from that place, you simply are spilling yourself out, and you transform through that process. That transformation IS the manifestation process. You shapeshift. You have to demand more of yourself to manifest it into actuality. That is precisely how you grow, out of nothingness, you demand more. You summon more of yourself! A visionary leader is someone who demands more from other people. They LITERALLY SEE your potential manifested in this moment right now.a I see you, the reader, as extremely intelligent. I see you as one that's capable of massive love. I see you as one that will accomplish your goals in life. I SEE IT. Can you? The universe if just a manifestation, an illusion of the highest degree, an imagination. Everything in the universe has been manifested. It's not just fucking there. It has been manifested ### ### ### Collection of individual insights You need to enrich and love EVERY MOMENT OF YOUR LIFE, EVERY OBJECT, EVERY PERSON, every idea, every creation, destruction, transformation, birth, death. THIS is how you love your life and spiritualize your life. Learn how to lose yourself more into life. When doing an activity, let go of your mind detaching you from the task at hand, and have the courage to fully lose yourself to the task. When it comes to learning, It doesn't really matter if you're kind of sleepy trying to learn still, if you're still learning, you're learning. THE MOST HARDCORE LOVE IS what is holding your table together. I need to study a book on boundaries NOW! When being a teacher, your need to BE the actor they NEED for THEM. THIS is how you teach people. You shapeshift into the form they want to see, to best receive the message. This is why if you're a christian, God will appear to you as Jesus in order for you to comfortably take in the teaching. God appearing as Jesus is the best MASK for God to manifest such that you best receive the message. So when you are trying to teach someone else, you need to create that persona, that mask, such that people will believe in the authority(illusion) that you've constructed. You shapeshift into person they need to see in order to best receive the teaching. Ask people in your life what kind of person would they like to see in you. That's also the kind of person you need to be to be their best teacher. The backdrop you have demands your attention. Literally how you dress, and the room that you put yourself in. The background you have while speaking influences how seriously your message is going to be taken to heart. The tone of your voice, the appearance of organization and thought-thoroughness in your speaking will demand authority. How deeply and interconnectedly you've integrated your insights will determine how strong your message becomes. When the insight is so deeply integrated it just becomes a part of you. And through that you just have to express you SELF with utmost excellence and vigor, and through that, THAT is what creates a great teaching. How you're perceived affects how you're recieved. ### ### ### Later I had an Insight that had me roll around and flip around on the floor for several minutes going "WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK! WHAT THE FUCK!" over and over again. So, some more manifestation ruminations. I thought, What would it take for me to be able to talk to Leo everyday? Kinda like in a way of a great talking to a great. Like if you wanted to hang out with Socrates, you would have to be at his level. Sharing insights and shit. I then thought "well I would then have to be at his level in consciousness and understanding". (Even though on the deepest level you can only get the deepest truths from yourself and not other.) And, yeah, I know that this comes from the my selfish part of my ego that idolizes Leo because he is a really good teacher and I want to be one of the best teachers in the world myself. Anywaayyysss... Then, I REALIZED that I could ACTUALLY get there. I saw in myself, a deep realization of my potential to manifest as much Consciousness as Leo. Like in my mind, this was extremely possible. That I could make Leo my peer in terms of level of understanding. This is what made me go what the fuck. I was like "HOLYYY SHIIITTT!" Maybe my confidence is just the peak of Mount Stupid in the Dunning-Kruger Effect. But hey, it felt GREAT! And it gave me a massive confidence boost! Here's a powerful question. What would you need to become to befriend your teachers as peers? As equals? What would need to become of you? What would you need to do on a day to day basis? What actions would you have to take? There I was, rolling around on the floor, just experiencing high amounts of joy at the realization of actualizing my potential. Meanwhile, while this is happening, my buddy beside me is lying on my bed, on 6 grams of shrooms, fighting his demons like he's playing dark souls. But he did so very silently. Basically it was all an internal battle. Haha! I asked him later about it and he said that my excitement and rowdiness didn't fuck with his trip, so that was good. # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # # Theme song of this part of the trip, reader, if you want, play this song. I was having the crux of this insight during this song. I curled up into a ball lying on my bed, snuggling an extremely soft blanket, feeling loved and feeling cuteness. I spent what felt like hours just enveloped in the love. I was hugging my super soft blanket, with an AMAZING body high, making everything comfy as fuck. I was biting my lip for a long time in a total state of erotic energy. I was fantasizing about LOVE. Fantasizing about sharing love with a male! At least a very specific feminine man that was supposedly crushing on at the time. It was a mega positive experience. Later I am hugging my blanket on the floor, still thinking about love. I'm loving the massive gift that life that God gives us. A lot of times during the trip I was saying "WEEEEIIIIRRRD! WEEEEIIIIRRRD! WEEEEIIIIRRRD!" >I was learning that on a very deep level, I want to love absolutely everyone and I know that when I realize I'm God, and when I realize I'm everything, I will be able to learn how to deepen that love. I want to learn how to maximize the love of the universe. I was also massively deconstructing the boundaries between loving everyone, on a deep emotional level. Like, what does it actually mean to love people? What really are you actually loving when you say you love someone? I have awakened to mega feminine energy over here. Also... I'm Awakening to bisexuality. I want to be feminine and seduced. I want to be masculine and be seductive. I LOVE feminine energy. (Side note, I'd probably love 5MeO MALT) I can find it in women. I can find it in men. I love the idea of putting makeup on to be more feminine when I want to embody more femininity. >I was learning that the gay side of my sexuality is expressed in a very differently navigated way than my Straight side. They're not the same at all! I also learned that liking the same sex comes with a whole new set of collective societal baggage that suppresses, demonizes and denies homosexuality. Coming out of the closet it not merely just simply accepting yourself and loving yourself, but it is also learning how to navigate in this reality in order to maximize the amount of love in the universe. Coming out of the closet literally means that you are learning how to navigate the oppression in society such that you can exercise love for your homosexual self, but yet at the same time, still look after your physical and social survival such that you are not one to be killed physically and demonized socially. >How you do this is becoming so sure about who you are that you're not attached to how people think you are. What manifests as bisexuality for ME, is probably very different for another person that identifies as bisexual. What you think bisexuality literally means for you, means a different thing for me. Like I don't like men in the same way AT ALL in the same way that I like women. The way I like women is HARDWIRED into my brain at a deep core level, whereas, the homosexuality that manifests in me comes from what I literally call a "gay fetish". This was imprinted into me from a young age as a result of homosexual experiences I had when I was younger. (Like age 10.) And for years I've denied and demonized the part of myself that liked that because I identified as straight. AND also at the same time homosexuality was VERY GROSS! But over time I found abstractions with fantasies like drawing of pornography, drawings that fudged the duality between male and female. (I can go into more detail of what I mean by this if requested). "My homosexuality" was in a way manifested because I loved a A SMALL part of myself that had a fantasy or two, and that part I explored more and more. It was years in the making. It was manifested over YEARS. It wasn't there, it was something that was nurtured and grew a life of its own. (I can literally go into detail step by step, each domino that had to fall to get to this point.) >But ANYWAYS, part of coming into my own is me letting go of YOU understanding my story that I've constructed over here. >In order navigate this new part of myself, I will study a book on boundaries, as well as contemplate what boundaries are. Also what is a relationship? >So just to clarify, in the end, right now at least, as I write this, I'm still unsure about what exactly my sexuality is, how Bi I really am. Like, do I just like feminine boys? Like twinks/femboys or whatever, and do I just like them physically(sexually) or am I able to love them emotionally too? Am I able to love a masculine man? Am I able to love masculine energy? or just feminine energy? >This trip allowed me to massively process tons of fear around taking action that would create further clarity. So now I am more confident to take even more action into developing more clarity into my sexuality. ### ### ### Additional Insights What is Courage? Courage is a perceived leap Beyond first perceived boundaries. Courage is biting off more than you can chew. Courage is willingly throwing yourself into a place that you KNOW you're going to lose control. Where you are not even sure if you're going to be able to handle it. Contemplate, What is control? Control vs Freedom. The light of God's love is so bright that whatever it touches it burns away any impurities. I need to practice spending money on highly valuable personal development resources. Like a life coaching package. Ideas hold the power of the universe. Which is why Epistemology metaphysics are important as FUCK. When it comes to buying shrooms I learned that a cube is a cube as they say, just buy some cheap b+ and forget the other strains. Just take more and you're there. You can't really fuck with the quality of shrooms. (Like I mean vendors usually sell really potent shrooms.) You can love fear. I am a DMT jester. That's the energy I hold. I am like the circus, I am expressive, I am chaotic, I am a clown, I am the actor, I am the laugher. That's also what I look like with the colorful clothes that I'm wearing that I call my tripping uniform haha. ( I haven't even done DMT yet lol) ### ### ### Integration: Study a book on boundaries to help navigate all my relationships in life in a way more healthy manner. Such that the love in my relationships have an opportunity to deepen and work at a higher level of synergy. Have a conversion about my sexuality with my Mother, as I spill everything about myself to her. As this is part of the process of facing my fears. (By the time I'm writing this, I already did it.) Take action toward deeply integrating this part of my sexuality. Explore myself. Thanks for reading!

holy shit that video ahahahaha What a sting report holy shit Watching this dude willingly torture himself is hilarious! This is gonna be me when I realize that I'm hallucinating everyone: https://youtu.be/MnExgQ81fhU?t=652

I really like the idea of just being open to the what the medicine can show you. Yes an intention, contemplation and massive amounts of focus is very useful, but at the same time I need to be open that the question that I have has an improper metaphysics baked already in the question, causing massive confusion when I don't get the answer that my biased ego wants. That's very relieving to read. Thanks for your time to write this post. I appreciate it brother, much love. It seems like I need to let go of my ideas of what I even think Mahasamadhi is because I am conflating it way too much with my perceived physical existence being wiped away. Just gotta surrender to wherever the toad takes me and let go of the self/reality to get "there".

So if I understand you properly, when there is a Mahasamadhi, there is no doubt about that's what you're doing. Because how I imagine 5meo to be is that you are simply letting go of EVERYTHING. and I guess by the time you're conscious enough for a Mahasamadhi, you KNOW it for sure! It's not just a simple let go of all of your illusions... @Sempiternity My point was not simply that the psychedelic is going to do that, but rather the conscious letting go of my life entirely, which IS what I plan to do when I take 5meo. A total ego annihilation. Becoming conscious of HOW I am imagining reality. @BipolarGrowth I think I'll be at that level when I realize love. By then I would have probably had several dozen awakenings. But yeah I'm NOT at that level at all by a longshot. My idea of this popped into my mind is when I was listening to Leo's video of Outrageous Experiments In Consciousness. But yeah I just don't know "the levels" so this is why I ask and make this thread. I know but I'm not worried about that at all haha, so the ego will pick and choose another reason why not to take 5meo. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

@mandyjw @BipolarGrowth Yeah I'm linking it all in my Meta Thread documenting my psychedelic journey. By the end of it is should be a pretty inspiring read.

I forgot to post this one a while back, so I am posting it now. Mushroom Trip Report 003 November 29th 2020 1.081g of Golden Teachers Shroom I wanted to test out what 1 gram of golden teachers is like because I only know what the PE strain is like on one gram. I need to create a spreadsheet of all my trips Soaked dat lemon tek for 20 mins Taken at 2:54pm There's probably a lot resistance and fear on this trip because last trip I had an ego death. But this one should be more positive. Waiting for the floor to start moving lol Kinda late but whatever. Intention: Get to the bottom of my limiting belief: "I can't focus" Intention: Using my journal, question my limiting belief around my ADHD and lack of focus. 13 min in Feeling brain activation. 18 min Noticing small amounts of movement in the floor that is definitely the signature shroom movement. 21 min Noticing the pigment in the hands. Not nearly as much as on other trips. 24 min I'm pretty sure my learning ability just increased. Because learning is just creativity. 26 min Feeling Sensitive. Like if I were to be scared I would die right now. 30 min Getting pretty high. Really feel the emotional take over now. It's okay, it was always okay. Emotions heightened. 35min The human hand is really weird. Very alien and foreign. But that's okay because I am that. Feeling of slight nausea. That's mushroom nausea feeling right now. Floor is moving. Reality gets freaky, but I am the freaky. Reality is a great mystery that I must show myself for I am it. The biggest lesson that I have to always tell myself is to surrender and not take myself so seriously. I get way too much anxiety that is created from me trying to be some intense motherfucker when really, it's okay I can relax. I guess that's my fear: the fear of relaxation and in becoming complacent. 42 min Basically in it. Kind of funny, I feel weird cuz I think I feel all of my skin. Looking at the tapestry is Wild. The peak is yet to come. But then I get to slide down a very fun slide. Feeling tired. It must be activating because of my yawning. I am yawning. 47 min Feeling like a creature. I am now answering my questions from my busting limiting beliefs worksheet. Yup it's good shit. You're going to love it. I didn't think it would be this potent. Oh my God Golden Teachers are teaching me what they're made of. Yawning more. I feel so tired and fatigued. I also need to take the duct tape off the vent on the ceiling at some point. Sober me can you please do that? Thank you. >I did it while still high. 51 minutes. My body is feeling heavy. My entire body is able to relax. There is that feeling in my chest that was like anxiety but now it's spread to the whole body and now it has transformed itself into tiredness and relaxation. Yeah I'm pretty much knocked out on this floor. It is 54 minutes in and I've been lying on this floor because I'm so lazy. It's so fucked to write on a piece of paper where all the letters are moving. That mushroom will keep on purging all that bullshit. 59 mins I think we're at the Mountaintop because I am so fucking tired there's so much yawning. >Peak incoming 1h 8 mins Just staring at this tapestry and it's so illuminating and beautiful. Lying down on the floor. "Arts and crafts" while high is always funny >Had to fold some paper to get the tapestry back up, because it fell. Was reflecting back to a time when I had to put duct tape on my VR headset while on a potent dose of THC. Time was created so we can explain why things change into other things. 1h 13 min I just peaked 1h 18 min Another peak The best part is looking at something like a fractal while your vision blurs. You know you're peaking when your vision starts to blur. I'm going to allow myself. To enjoy this. Here is gone. How did that happen? Because I have finally emerged Enjoy this. 1h 56 min High. Yeah I do fear that I'll be seduced by the mushrooms and just become a druggie. Just jerked off completely naked on my bed. Which is something I don't do often at all in my life, maybe two other times. We try to hide that part of reality so much. 2h 18 min I live in a dead world. The only things that are alive are the food that I eat. I need to trip in the middle of a forest what everything around me is alive. I feel like Terence McKenna when he has his glasses on. Just accept yourself. I'm a nerd in my craft. 2 hours and 27 minutes in The reason why I'm scared of looking at my face in the mirror is because I fear that I will see something else, and that's seeing of something else is the death of my self-image that I hold. When really I didn't exist in the first place, and so Fear is the mechanism is that preserves the self. Anxiety is a mechanism that preserves the self. When really the self wasn't there in the first place. And then the shrooms SHOW that to you. ADHD people can Focus just fine. They're just saying ADHD people can't focus because of the way they think, they think differently. >The ADHD brain is the holistic brain. We think like a Christmas tree. That's just a different perception of reality. So instead of focusing on one thing, you focus on one thing with a Christmas tree around it. Existing is like being in a fish tank. Trapped. Confined to this one box. >That was fucking weird to experience. I am truly a curious creature. Gods perspective is all free and all loving. Yeah you're trying to learn how to focus, but you got to enjoy the journey. And listen to some Bob Marley music while you're treading. Enjoy the struggle. Patience is just enjoying the moment. Enjoy that suffering. That is life. What you call suffering is just a duality that you make up in your mind. This is the shroom talking: Reality is fucked. Whoopsie. Did I just fuck with your reality? Oops that's just reality! To try and preserve this perfect moment is to not live in the moment. Trying to remember things, is to not live in the moment. Whatever I fear is my ego trying to push fear forward because if I encounter the thing I feared than the ego would be destroyed. If I stare at my face while peaking on shrooms, my ego will be destroyed. 3 hours in Still high. Eyes very dilated. Trying to remember something is to not live in the present. Experiencing short-term memory, but in a different way than THC. Shrooms: your ego is going to hate it, but your inner being is going to love it. It wouldn't be amazing otherwise. You need that duality to be there for it to work. Imagine living your life as Bob Marley where you just make music and enjoy the moment, and that is your life. That is life. Your life IS the moment. So much for getting to bed on time. Shrooms are silly like green toes and toejam and farts. And it'll step on your silly plans with its dirty green feet. >Then I find myself talking to my mom again, lying on the bed staring at the ceiling and joking around. We are holding eachothers hands and such. We talk and just enjoy the moment. >Later, dad makes an amazing plate of nachos and as a family we watch "Christmas with the Kranks" together. 5h43min Sobering up 6h52min Sobering up more. Life is like a competition of who can be the most happy. What I wrote in my Journal. ###START### Limiting Belief “I can't focus” It all started when I was a small boy diagnosed with ADHD at the same time I was diagnosed with asthma. Being several years on an ADHD medication does a toll on ya. This negative belief came from my childhood after years of taking ADHD medication. Reinforcing a limiting belief that I cannot focus without my medication. Holding this belief protects me like a baby blanket because it protects me from taking responsibility of my life. The ADHD medication IS the baby blanket. An alternative, equally valid interpretation of the facts is that I was already capable of this amount of focus that I desire. I was just given the medication to “behave”. I was always capable of Focus. Right from the start. Right from the start! Just look at other people that lived before me without ADHD medication. ADHD medication is only new to the last 100 years, not even that. ADHD people before you were successful enough for you to be here today. I was always capable of the amount of focus that I desire. I was always able to focus. That limiting belief doesn't exist. It's okay, I love you. ###END### One of the coolest takeaways from my journaling was this: I was always capable of the focus I desired, I just was never given a chance to prove it to myself because I was given medication for so many years starting at such an early age. So it is through my actions now that I am showing myself that I have the ability to cultivate the focus that I desire. Post report: The week following, I doubled my productivity from 3 hours a day to 6 hours of focused work per day.

I unironically consider taking like 1 course in a college loaded with girls just so I can just do college pickup.

@Jakuchu Why are you in my house?

I experienced the same when plugging LSD. This is an interesting link.

I need help finding this video! Leo, it would be helpful for future posts if you copy and pasted the exact title of the video for when this happens again. That way I will be able to look for the taken down video myself. A lot of times a video that is taken down on YouTube, it is reuploaded somewhere else on YouTube.

"The greatest wisdom and growth lies with where you least want to look." - Paraphrasing Jordan Peterson September 6th, 2020. Intention: What is death? Last trip was 1.0g of a stem. This trip is 1.5g with a stem and a cap. Now caps are said to be more potent. So I was wary about adding an additional 0.5 grams, along with it being a cap. This is my second trip on Psycadellics. My body and mind is in great fear. But my intuition is playing to win. So I continue on with the trip. 1.5 g of psilocybin Melmac magic mushrooms. Melmac, AKA P.E. , "Penis Envy" mushrooms, are said to be bred for potency. So they're highly potent. Taken via Lemon tek. (soaked in lemon juice) +++ The trip report goes as follows: >Something with an arrow is more of an after the fact commentary. Something without an arrow is documentation while in the trip. +++ >Meditated in the morning for 20 minutes. >Sliced up some watermelon. Got some bananas, got my waters, and a puke bucket. Taken at 11:15 A.M. Last time I danced before the come up, this time I ran before taking it, and then danced before the come up. Realizing what I put myself into, I immediately start becoming more authentic and singing boom de yada, I'm ready to surrender, my intuition tells me. Yeah I should have contemplated death consciously before going into this trip, but I'll be ready for next time. As I should have contemplated intuition sober before my last trip but I didn't. Going to my trips from now on, I will make sure that I contemplate before the trip to then contemplate it while on the trip. I will have plenty of time to do that because my trip right here right now is going to be my last one for a little while because I'm going on a juice fast. 11:20 So far my hands are looking good, the last time they were looking real foreign. I'm noticing the shake in my hands when I quickly turn it around using my arm and wrist. The lemon Tek was soaking for about 45 minutes. I noticing a subtle change in cognition while I'm singing and dancing to the song boom de yada. Subtle forms of regret but also to overpower that with full confidence and surrender. I'm in this now, welcome to the ride. Enjoy. I'm interested in seeing how the trip will come up and up and up in waves. That was the most surreal thing from the last trip, so I'm preparing for that right now. I fully surrender. I give my love out to the world. 11:24 Starting to notice the subtle discolorations in my hand, visual perception is slowly creeping in to increase. Noticing my brain being more connected, Sensations in my brain. I already forgot what I was going to say. Based. I wonder, should I contemplate while I'm getting into the come up, or contemplate while I'm more at the peak? 11:31 I remember that subtle feeling in my chest of sinking down, I'm expecting that. That was last trip, that was my call to surrender. I have affirmed to myself, Everything is Beautiful, Everything Is Love. Subtle tingling in my left arm and hand. 11:40 Because I didn't contemplate before this trip, I'll know the difference for from this time to next time when I contemplate before the trip while sober. My pupils are becoming wider. 11:44 In the present moment. The most subtle movement in my vision. 11:46 Colours more vibrant. It's coming. Subtle nausea. Weird feeling. Anticipating the sinking chest. Vision ability increased. Here we fucking go. 11:50 Mental SHIFT. Watch me be on my twentieth trip and be like "meh". Nausea increased. The body is in a different state of feeling. Going into a trance, sleepy but not drowsy. 11:55 The floor is already several Rivers. Noticing detail that I never noticed before in these rubber mats. Just hit a peak. Noticing fear and anxiety, I must distinguish it with love because it is all love. There is great love coming through. 37 minutes in. Knowing this is only the start, I'm in for a treat. What is authenticity but a death of the self? Lots of yawning So much yawning. 11:58 Floor is moving again. It's pretty predictable to see how some things will move. 12:00 It's growing all over my prefrontal cortex and in my brain. I'm being so taken over. I'm yawning so much. Fingers are long and skinny. Thinking of funny memes. This is going to hit me like a ton of bricks. What did I just get myself into. LOL! I'm so fucking screwed. The ceiling is more clear. Still yawning like fucking crazy. Vision is blurry 12:07 Been having uncomfortable nausea and drowsiness. I just want it to go away, along with the fears of anxiety. Whatever the fuck this is, I Surrender. >I wasn't actually surrendering. 12:15 I was surprised by looking at my trip sitter's face, it was so intense that it freaked me the fuck out. Like turning a corner. I looked at my trip sitter and the focus was her eyes, and her eyes were so fucking big it was surreal. Like giant bug eyes. Really freaked me out. Crouched down in fear going "holy fuck". >See image for visual representation. It was only for half a second because it scared me so much, I looked away quickly. > Note to self: Tell my trip sitters to not look in my direction. Of course the Shadows are going to dance. God. >Shadows on the ceiling are dancing. Was pretty fuckin surreal /scary. Really hitting a peak. God fucking damn it I'm so scared to contemplate death. Entire body tingling. Holyshit. I'm expecting something crazy to happen and for it to hit me like a ton of bricks in an instant. Maybe that will be on a 5 MEO DMT trip. Everything is dancing. I wonder how long the peak and drop is. What's the tempo? Really resisting this trip. I think I must just face the Dragon. Else it will never end. Okay. > I was really having a hard time here, I guess a lot of people would call this point that I was experiencing a bad trip. But because of my research and understanding of psychedelics, there really is no such thing as a bad trip, that's just an interpretation you put upon something. But yeah this is kind of a bad trip, I was not enjoying this part at all. Uncomfortable as fuck. When you're in it though, you have a strange ability to just cope with the load you're given. You're kinda forced to. The shroom forces you. 12:24 I get why people say it's intense. Because you are in this reality now and it's so surreal and amazing, fantastical and magical. All of these positive affirmations are to protect myself. But what is the self? I don't think this feeling of fear is going to go away. I'm so foolish and childish to have set death as an intention. I guess I'm expecting to go somewhere else, but that's somewhere else is right here right now. > Right here, I was expecting to get hit like a ton of bricks in an instant and just go straight to Narnia I guess. This little ego is scared. > I say this to myself in a teasing tone because I'm having such a fucking hard time to surrender consciously. Over time, the mushroom ended up surrendering for me. Starting to forget how phones work. 12:32 Yep. ^^And that just made me burst into laughter. The ego will resist the whole way. Just be mindful! Fucking Christ. Yeah I am peaking hard right now. Arms and legs are so weird but they're so present. Definitely went in a trance. The paintings on the wall are fiercely pulsating. Vision is really fucking blurred, but blurred in a weird way. So surreal. Stomach bad feeling not going away. I'm not sure this is a bad trip or not. I don't think I'm enjoying it. But it's okay. It's all beautiful. >Self talk to keep me from freaking out, wasn't working. >At one point I was scared of my legs. >Having hallucinations of 2D image representations of centipedes when I close my eyes. They have neon turquoise outlines. 12:38 Noticing all the subtleties in everything, especially of my human body. A deep surrender must come from the inside. It is the hand that holds the ego. The higher self holds and encompasses the ego. 12:44 I become so desperate that I lie on the floor and give my love. I am remembering that it is okay to contemplate while lying on the floor. You don't have to be in a lotus position. What is death? What is life? Picking up on noticing the Ego. 12:53. I go in full crying. >Just roaring crying like I've never cried before. Full on tantrum like a 3 year old. I'm being purified. >My trip sitter comes down to try and comfort me, gives me a pillow and tissue to blow my nose because I asked her for a tissue. >I was whaling and sobbing in a crying fit stomach down on the floor and yelling "This ego doesn't want to die!" while clawing at the floor. >Imagine a 3 year old tantrum crying fit in a grown man's body. >I just needed to cry this out, I wish my trip sitter would've left me sooner to cry deeper, feeling like I've missed out on a deeper purification. She stayed there for basically my entire peak. Like 10 mins. But now that I think about it, she asked me some questions that allowed me to get in that crying purification fit in the first place. Going forward, I'll ask her to listen to me when I say "please leave". Give me a pillow and some tissue, and then leave. Her being there beside me, made me resist more because I didn't want to surrender with her around me. >Note to self: Tell my trip sitter to ask if I need anything, and if I say "NO!" to actually listen and promptly leave. My emotions came out to surface on the same level of my regular function. +++ >See attached image Diagram of Sober vs Peaking on Shrooms Sober is Suppression. Peaking on shrooms is expression. Orange represents your authentic emotions and desires. All of the shit you unconsciously and consciously suppress. Purple represents the many masks you wear, from the way you walk, talk, think and act. All just bullshit masks. While peaking, deep emotions come through no problem. +++ > At this point I could have been hallucinating, but I didn't notice because my head was basically looking at the floor while on the floor. And I was so enveloped in the emotion. So overpowered by the emotion, crying and stuff. 1 hour and 44 minutes in, this is the biggest peak I've had. The ego will claw until it can't. It will fight, fight, fight. That's what it is. I'm doing trauma work right here. Death is something I fear and cry about. Going on a psychedelic it is like going into EMDR therapy. You don't want to go but it's so worth it. You need to go in there and cry. I've just been purified. A purification is fully surrendering to your fears and realizing just what it is, objectively. Just full acceptance. 1:14 Getting a 3rd person view of this arm. That's why your hands and arms are so foreign. You're looking at these extremities as if it's the first time you're looking at them. From God's perspective. >They are skinny. Motherfucking Salad Fingers. (look up salad fingers) >You realize just how weird of an ape you are. All of your anxiety is fucking stupid. So fucking stupid. Just let the ego die for full Enlightenment to come through. >Let the higher self shine forth. Don't worry too much about surrendering, the shroom will do the surrendering for you. Whether you like it or not. You will eventually surrender. > it will beat you to a pulp. What's the difference between death and life? I need to contemplate this sober to give myself a solid foundation. I'm frustrated at this phone not picking up my voice properly when I put voice to text. Just like how a plant will grow, fruit and replant and then die and then be reborn again, When did it ever start to live in when did it ever stop? This body is just a continuation of the egg and sperm. I was never born, I was always born. I'm just now in this current form. +++ >See image Text in the pic, from left to right: " Infinity (representing that this chain goes on for infinity) What you call your life (vs what it actually is) Life - - - - - Death Where along this (infinite) chain is your actual birth & death? What you don't realize is that you ARE an/(the) infinite chain. Infinity (representing that this chain goes on for infinity) " Your being is an infinite chain of weaving in and out. >Imagine a grass-like plant growing, then fruiting, then the seed of the fruit falls, and replants itself. Then the old plant dies, while the new plant grows. And this chain goes on forever. Infinitely forward into the future, and infinitely backwards into the past. Instead of identifying with a single iteration of a plant, calling that your life, why not identify with the entire chain? ++++ 1:31 Death doesn't exist because what the fuck is it? You don't go anywhere, you just keep flowing. You're just a consciousness experiencing this human being, this Avatar, this vessel, to another. What. I am literally infinite. I'm crying so much. This is rapture. Nausea is completely gone. Death is not what you think it is, what a mind fuck. A beautiful mind fuck. You are like a hand clasping the tarantula. The hand being the higher self, the tarantula being the ego. The tarantula being upside down. A mind fuck isn't a bad thing. This stupid fucking ego fears this idea that it has created. >(The idea being death.) You have to face your fears, in order to finally get past that and take a look at what is. What is actually going on. You have your preconceived notion of what it is, and you just created a fear out of something you created, instead of looking at it objectively and having no fear at all. > You created the fear to prevent you from looking at it, because if you did look at your fears, you'd pull aside the curtain and realize that it is all a sham. > This ego created that fear of death to help its survival. It actually created the concept of death, and then created the fear of the concept! There is literally NOTHING Left to Fear. When you get past death, what the fuck else can scare you?! I'm going to die. And that's okay. It being okay is the fucked-up part. Once you face death there is literally nothing else to fear. 1:49 Reality is nothing but a bunch of surprises, gleefully and joyfully jumping out at you and surprising yourself. Reality is just a "fun ride". It always was. Just like that space astronaut meme. It always has been. >See image of the meme I made. >I am conscious that me being God is still held as a belief, a scaffolding built by Leo's lessons. I'm speaking to My Future Self, you need to continue to trip. It's so amazing and profound. Hey, yes, your ego will struggle, but just observe that, it's okay. Let the fear set in and let it break you down. I need you to keep tripping and to keep inquiring into the deepest parts of reality. Contemplate what is death while sober and then come back here on a psychedelic. I know you will fear coming back here. Just notice that. Everything is rapture. Get past your fear, and everything becomes rapture. The hallucinations and whatnot is the freaking out process to force you to surrender. I just did trauma work that I didn't even know that I had to do. You are freaked out until you cannot care no more. You'll be forced into a crying surrender. Reality rocks you until you surrender. It rocks you rudely, else you wouldn't listen. You would resist. >See image Imagine being scared by your own fucking legs. 2pm I believe that I have now passed the greatest Peak. All of reality and experience is coming waves up-and-coming waves down. >See image ++++ All shall pass. (as the saying goes, this too shall pass) All shall come (and go) Its a wave (a vibration) Like clouds, They come & go The BS The Traumas Your Experiences Your Memories The Music Your "Life" It flows in and out. Take note of the wave symbol being a reflection of your "life" going through time from left to right. >The emergence of all of the phenomenon you experience is as mysterious as how a thought emerges. ++++ I fear eyes, but I must surrender to them. I am to be seen! >Thinking about how I'm going to see eyes in my future trips. I cannot suppress the gay. This body, this vessel, wants to experience that. Surrender to it. I have fantasies of getting fucked. Fighting yourself is a real battle, the ego will not go down without a fight. My trip sitter trying to comfort me was merely a distraction. I just needed to cry, and lean in deeper and deeper. Once you go after death, there's nothing left. Nothing Left to Fear. Trauma will not go without a fight. What is the ego? A stickman that lives inside of you that claws onto you. Life is like a dirty tentacle, that wants to feel up every single crevice. Fill every orifice. After the fear of death is relinquished, every creepy spider leg becomes beautiful, because you realize it comes from a place from non-defensive survival. >Imagine a giant spider leg coming down from storm clouds, much like lightning. There's more Beauty to explore, can't wait for you to come back here. During my Peak, my vision was so blurred that two entire paintings were just pulsating, moving, merging together. Constant pulsating. Violent pulsating. We need to stop confining a canvas shape to a square. Why not have a custom canvas in the way of a swoop? >See image. I can't wait until I have my entire ego completely die and fully surrender. >This will probably require a higher dosage. It takes the entire group to integrate the Insight of the individual. One radical change of an individual will need a whole lot of explaining to the group. I need to Transcend caring what labels people put on me in regards to my Sexuality. >I'm not really sure what to do after the peak, I feel like all the work has basically been done. So I just kind of continue 2 have a cool down. I would be just too bored to just continue sitting and contemplating. >So I kind of just lie there in awe what just happened. >Talked with my mother about the ramifications of my Sexuality. Did it while still on the barrier-removing high such that I can actually have the balls to have this talk. I've talked about this before and she has actually worked with me on this with EMDR therapy work before. I was basically coerced into sexual acts by similar age boys when I was around the age of 10. So there is trauma there, imprinting my sexuality making it complicated. Basically, I was imprinted with a "gay fetish" as a straight man, making it more complicated when exploring my sexuality with the same sex. Making it more difficult to grab hold onto a static sexual identity. I can go deeper into that if you ask. >I realize that I need to be able to not care about what people think about my sexuality, and just do what I please. To stop giving a fuck about the judgement. >Note to self, whenever I'm feeling that nauseous sickness and uncomfort coming on, consciously lie down and surrender. ++++++ 2 Main Insights A mind fuck realization of what the emergence of life and death is. >See image of another meme I made A deeper acceptance of my sexuality, and sexual urges. >See image of a card I pulled a couple of days later.

And here I thought that doing 5meo is going to fuck with your authentic life purpose... I guess maybe if your do a lot of it. @toad_mcnuggets Do you have any previous experiences with psychedelics?

@tlowedajuicemayne This trip was a vital part of my understanding of death, as it allowed me to approach understanding into the nature of fear. I intuit that I will know what death REALLY is when I do 5meo.

Additional Commentary on this report.