ZenSwift

Additional Meta-Commentary on this Trip Report: Parent Document of My Trip Reports

If you want a much quicker read, just skip to the post trip report. (Ctrl+F "######") January 31st 2021 Mushroom Trip Report 006 2.5g Golden Teacher But with my sensitivity it's more like 4g. Intentions: Focus on releasing hurt from people that never are really were my friends, but somehow I still got attached. Find the ember of passion within me to be kindled. Grinded up in a coffee grinder, getting fancy with it now. Soaked the powder in lemon juice for 5 min. Then poured hot water over it and let it steep for 20 min. Taken at 12:22pm 20 minutes in Feeling things. Feeling that feeling you get when you meditate /concentrate for a long time. >body high kicking into my head feeling. 25mins Feeling a total takeover. Grinding it up is definetly way more intense. Totally kicking in twice as fast being Grinded up in a powder. Body high kicking in fast as fuck. 45 min Starting to lose my shit. Getting the butterflies In my stomach that gives me anxiety, but like this shroom is gonna purge that anxiety. Shrooms Bring your anxiety to the surface. 59 min Losing my mind. Let go of your life. When you do that its just peace. Nothing Fucking matters. It's all a dream. Figuring out what reality is is the fucking Coolest thing in the world. You have infinite Freedom, which is why it's so difficult to get focused. It's time to grow up and take control. I'm just a Philosopher. I'm left confused. I really do want to be an absolute unit. It's a life skill to learn how to focus When you got Worrying about survival to do. I no longer identify with [Username I used to use]. Nobody knows what they really want. >Or at least VERY FEW It takes a lot of courage to really make something out of this world and just build a structure and just be passionate about that structure. I'm really passionate about understanding the mind. Learn about reality until you fall in love with it . Cultivate enough understanding of reality to the point where every waking second is just amazing. A super dopamine detox would REALLY help with making my overall life experience more enjoyable. Delete [username] anywhere and replace it with Anonymous stuff. >Here I am letting go of a friend group online that was a huge anchor for me. Shut it all down . Leave [friend group], Leave The other [group] servers. Completely go Anonymous. Two main insights I am ready to rip reality apart I am ready to make my public persona the only persona being the mystic. In choosing to learn about something, you learn about yourself. Take up a project and you'll cultivate more settled understanding. Ultimate understanding. Ultimate understating of reality which brings peace. Insight Just do what I need to. Don't even need to tell others my plan. Goals Learn Kriya Yoga. Learn autobiographies I want to get people closer to God. Let go of your life plan when conversing with other people. Just listening to other people is more interesting to experience. Rather than trying to assert my own ego and teachings. Focus on delivering my message when I'm alone with my craft. All conversation is trying to tell others about other parts of reality. Usually people aren't accurate, Nor do they care. Fall in love with the process of figuring out life. I want dad to sit down with me every day to crack the whip. Really want that masculine authority challenging me. I want dad to be my dad. >I won't ever get this. I want to Stop asserting my ideas On to other people And only share my ideas when I am engaged in the context of my craft. Do not cast pearls before swine. Spend time with people that build you up, not knock you down. If you don't have a solid morning routine Do you even give a shit about your life? If you don't have a solid night routine Do you even give a shit about your life? If they knew the truth they wouldn't say these things to me and act that way towards me. I am like a monkey in a cage. I walk into the room, I walk into the cage. There is nothing there for me. I'm just a clown for them to look at. A monkey in a cage to entertain them. Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut it down! https://youtu.be/Pyg949rCgds I need to blind myself from the negativity or others. In high school, it was difficult to make friends. So I built an identity of a shit poster and a meme Lord in order to feel loved and accepted. I am ready to release all of who I was at 16. All of who I was At age 16, I am ready to let go completely. You have a perceived reality at age 16, now it is completely different. And I'm ready to get rid of that dead wood. Time will go on and friends will come and go. The hurt that I feel from these old friends he is like a deep thick metal harpoon In my body, but over time it is slowly being pulled out. I need to Move forward in my life. I'm really enjoying this trip. Feels like an infinite dream. I really need to learn Kriya Yoga It's great for monkey mind! I imagine being a kriya yoga teacher, feeling the warmth of many around me. I want to feel fucking amazing every day. "I want to be on a fucking MISSION in my life." " I just want to learn a bunch of shit, and teach it. " "My life plan: I'm learning, I'm teaching, and then I die. " >My best quote while I was tripping. ############### Post Trip Report The trip was fucking amazing, what happened for several days after the trip was a slice of hell. With only 14 hours into the trip, after having gone to bed and sleeping for a couple hours, I'm greeted with a particularity evil slice of hell anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks like no other. Some weird mindfuck shit with infinite combinations and numbers, and my fingers and hands feeling uncanny weird. Used to have these mindfuck anxiety attacks once in a blue moon while growing up, now after last trip it haunted me once more a couple days later. And after this trip it haunted me for several days. And had attacks and crippling/immobilizing anxiety because of it. 8 days Later a deep penitrating feeling of nihilism at night. The gravity of the fact that this experience is all going to be ripped away one day has penitrated deep and instills my body with fear and anxiety. My mortality is very real. Anything above 2g becomes impractical when trying to do any consciousness work in the fashion of contemplation. At this point if I were ever to do a higher dose with mushrooms, I'd set an intention, but mostly just strap in for the ride. Because this trip literally had me just sink into the couch with an amazing body high while staring at a mandala tapestry on the wall that turns into a fuckin multi dimensional fractal portal in front of my eyes. Then later it proceeds me just hanging my body over the couch, half paralysed, drooling on the floor because I'm just engulfed in the glorious mindfuck. Do stuff and surround yourself with people that make you feel good. Cultivate an understanding of God to the point where you see God in everything. Be patient, as its not just about reaching God, it's about the journey. A question I really want to answer and give to people: What does a human really want? We want to feel good, we want to feel closer to God. Anything we do in life is to try and embody God. Teotlize your vessel. People pursue things that fundamentally make them unhappy. We need to gain more consciousness and get closer to God. The consciousness work is my learning. The consciousness work is my craft. Post Trip Report The trip was fucking amazing, what happened for several days after the trip was a slice of hell. With only 14 hours into the trip, after having gone to bed and sleeping for a couple hours, I'm greeted with a particularity evil slice of hell anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks like no other. Some weird mindfuck shit with infinite combinations and numbers, and my fingers and hands feeling uncanny and weird. Used to have these mindfuck anxiety attacks once in a blue moon while growing up, now after last trip it haunted me once more a couple days later. And after this trip it haunted me for several days. And had anxiety attacks and crippling/immobilizing anxiety because of it. 8 days later I get a deep penetrating feeling of nihilism at night. The gravity of the fact that this experience is all going to be ripped away one day has penetrated deep and instills my body with fear and anxiety. My mortality is very real. This I don't particularity mind too much, as I can handle this well, as I have been since I was a very young child, and because of that, transcending my death has become a life goal of mine. I've learned that anything above 2g becomes impractical when trying to do any consciousness work in the fashion of contemplation. At this point if I were ever to do a higher dose with mushrooms, I'd set an intention, but mostly just strap in for the ride. Because this trip literally had me just sink into the couch with an amazing body high while staring at a mandala tapestry on the wall that turns into a multi dimensional fractal portal in front of my eyes. Then later it proceeds me just hanging my body over the couch, half paralysed, drooling on the floor because I'm just engulfed in the glorious mindfuck. Here is the documentation of my anxiety, for the first month, the anxiety was barely manageable from moment to moment. These anxiety attacks I also called "Infinity blips", "Infinite combinations", etc. Basically imagine trying figuring out the combinations between 1000 objects in your head and it's kinda like that. Few days After trip 005 Which was January 3rd 2021 I was really sleep deprived. Went to to moms room, didn't even know what was going on, and then had the anxiety attack. February 1st, 2021 @ 2:53am Caught it and worked on the weights. Busted out some heavy squats to help control it. About 14 Hours after I took 2.5g with trip 006, crazy anxiety attack Later that day at 10pm during a 10 minutes of concentration practice with my eyes closed I started thinking "oh shit I fucked myself forever." and started to freak out. The anxiety is just lingering, even after a really good weight training session and and cardio. Feb 5th Woke up with infinite Combination dream, not scary, just uncomfortable. (I guess it's only scary to me when I'm awake) Weird feeling in fingers. Feb 6th at 4am had EMDR a few hours prior. Wake up at in cold sweats. Basically got a full anxiety attack. 10,000 & 33,333 >> Random numbers my mind focused on. My mind will focus on one part of reality that has entered my consciousness, and then twist it up into an infinite combination mindfuck, usually this is with numbers, but I've had it happen with really anything I've focused my mind on. Feb 7th Racing mind. Don't feel properly in my body. I need to sink into my body more. Feb 8th For the last few days, including today I've had paralyzing anxiety, preventing me from doing nothing but watching YouTube and browsing Reddit to distract myself. Feb 10th Managed to clear everything with a powerful shamanic Breathing session. Feb 11th Tried to do shamanic Breathing again but I learned I need to do it closer to bedtime because the anxiety does creep back in a bit Feb 13th Took half a tab of armodafinil today, very bad idea. At about midnight I was in full panic mode at night about to fall into an anxiety attack. Proceeded to do an hour of shamanic Breathing to save my life. I was vibing so hard after the breathing I felt like I was on LSD and I don't even know what LSD feels like. I was hallucinating when I had my eyes closed. Then 10 minutes after I finished I listened to a 20 minute audio called "Quantum K Healing". After it finished I must've immediately passed out on the floor for an hour. Like my system went through a reboot. I look at my clock and its 3:30AM. Feb 14th Been doing at least 30 min of shamanic Breathing every evening now. This evening I'm feeling pretty good. Virtually no anxiety. But I'm going to do some breathing for good measure. Feb 15 Felt the anxiety but was too tired to give a fuck and it was manageable enough to go to sleep. Didn't do breathing today. Feb 16th Feeling no anxiety. Only small tiny blips when I see lots of numbers moving really fast, or when I see a ton of objects, like a bunch of peas swirling around in a soup. Feb 21st Haven't done shamanic breathing in a while, feeling that anxiety in my chest. Feb 23 Did shamanic Breathing for 40 min then immediately after I did 5 mins of concentration practice followed by 25 minutes of mindfulness meditation. I really started to dip into the crazy infinite state. It's an all encompassing feeling making me feel really small. Could've gone deeper but shit was terrifying. What was that? Feb 26th Morning 9 Blocks of Minecraft piston Moving Terror >More babble that the mind latched onto to create an infinite anxiety loop, I was watching minecraft piston machines on YouTube, and my mind latched onto it and created an anxiety attack around it. Feb 27 at night I put together a 3 piece kinder surprize toy and I get a big hit of anxiety from the "complexity". What the actual fuck. I worry if I double down on shamanic Breathing I might induce a psychosis. Also the breathing is not feeling as effective as before. Feb 28th Feeling anxiety in my chest. Immobilizing. I'm realizing certain things are triggering it. I may have surfaced PTSD I didn't know I had. March 4th Been feeling good, back to baseline for the past couple of days. Did 90 mins of shamanic Breathing in a sauna after drinking a tea with tons of herbs. I still have trouble consciously deciding "okay I'm going to fall asleep now" and then surrendering to the process of falling asleep. It shall be my life's mission to gather the courage to make this surrender. March 8th Having anxiety blips. March 10th Feeling that anxiety March 11th Mind moving fast right from the moment I wake up. Feeling that same anxiety in my chest for hours, its constantly in my awareness and its very distracting. It distracts me from confidently doing anything. I honestly have this feeling in my chest all day. But it grows in the late hours of the day. I'm able to induce a terrifying state of to what I can only describe as groundlessness, having a dissociation from the grounding that is me being grounded in my body. This state can be induced with 10 minutes or more of very focused concentration practice. There lies a a huge wall of fear blocking me from leaning in deeper. Fear Or whatever. It's not pleasant, at all. Like mindfuck unpleasant mixed with an unknown physical sensation. At least I'm not experiencing that combination crap right now. Just annoying anxiety in my chest. I need to start practicing kriya yoga soon. And I also may look into neurofeedback training. I've noticed that my anxiety drops when I spend lots of time in nature. Overall this has been very annoying, having constant nagging anxiety in your chest constantly nagging at your awareness, taking attention away from everything else in your life that is important. The only thing you want to do is just distract yourself to escape. The really shitty part about it is that it's like always half present, if your awareness isn't properly cultivated, this anxiety could get missed and you'd wonder why there is this invisible wall in between you and your work. I feel this wall. All fucking day. Makes me have zero mood to do anything worthwhile. It's a fucking struggle man. March 13th Feel anxiety at night time which slows me down from getting to bed quickly. Lots of avoidant behaviour. I can probably count on my hand how many days I've spent going to bed without a phone/electronic by my side. One day I shall remove this pacifier completely. A few "complexity anxiety blips" here and there. March 17th Feeling that subtle "anxiety complexity space". It's almost like some neurons were attached in places that are not supposed to. It may also be attached to my circadian rhythm. For is triggered by the awareness of what time it is. Because it reliably triggers late at night. But also early in the morning when I don't get enough sleep. March 18th Woke up in the middle of the night with an irrational mindfuck state. April 6th Noticing it today when I was doing meditation and was trying to become conscious of emptiness, I was overwhelmed with the amount of air that surrounded me. I was meditating in the mountains. A month later, I've picked up a physical job for the summer, during the summer I didn't feel the anxiety because my body was constantly moving, I was also travelling a lot. I was even able to pop half an armodafinil and not be bothered by it at all. A side note is that I was working so much that I dropped my 20 min daily meditation habit entirely. Present Day But now that the job is over and I'm doing nothing, like wasting my life type of nothing (Don't worry I'll pull myself together and get myself back I'm sure of it), And that anxiety comes back some times in very subtle ways, but for the most part I would say it is completely gone. Even an infinity blips came back when I was overtired and watched this: https://youtu.be/0FH9cgRhQ-k However it wasn't super overwhelming this time, but it was all-encompassing like other times. And it was only for like 5 minutes. So now I'm a bit puzzled as what to do in regards to psyches. It seems like I should ground myself more in kriya yoga. But I've also taken a few months off and I'm getting confident enough to try a dose and take it from there. I also need to get back into meditation as I've been lackin so hard since my summer job. And before I dropped it I did it like 600 days in a row, 20mins/day no problem. But honestly, going off meditation has been a learning experience, teaching me how much I actually value it. I also learned to value actually putting effort into my meditation, which is a big reason why I'm holding off making it into a habit again, because I want to go in with a whole lot more serious attitude, making sure I'm meditating at a high quality, which has me look in the direction of neurofeedback training, so my meditation can be a whole lot more effective. I feel like researching neurofeedback is more difficult than researching psyches. Unbelievable! haha But yeah especially with ADHD, I'm leaning towards neurofeedback training and Kriya Yoga, as I've already made steps to help with that by cleaning up my diet to raw plants, and getting physical movement in. My goal with psyches really is to build up the confidence to do 5meo, to then of course supercharge my consciousness work to full self-realization.

Mushroom Trip Report 006 - 2.5g GT Need guidance - 2.5g Golden Teachers - Trip Report This is a really powerful trip for me because I no longer needed to identify with an identity that kept me in a toxic group of friends. I was able to let go of that identity fully. The idea of this group of people was looming over me for too long, and I needed to cut them off ASAP. This was the crux of my insight for that trip that really allowed me to let go of those people. When you understand every single nuance of fundamental reality, the whole experience gets enhanced and you get to appreciate it way more. Started to realize just a little bit more how my actions are connected myself how I show self-respect for my life. I show giving a shit about my life by holding down a strict morning routine and a strict night routine. After this trip, I proceeded to have a super heightened state of anxiety for the next 30+ days. Consisting of the worst anxiety attacks ever. My entire next month was basically spent with me watching YouTube or whatever to distract myself from this constant anxiety I felt in my chest at the time. Still don’t know what these kinds of anxiety attacks are, but it’s basically some form of psychosis. Very infinity-like, very combination-like, very mind-fuckey. No psychedelic trip is as bad as these anxiety attacks. Shamanic breathing really helped me here to fight through this. But I think also having a job where I was constantly focused on physical labor helped me a lot. As of writing this on December 22nd, 2022, the anxiety attacks greet me on rare occasions, but when they do, it only occurs when I am overtired. These anxiety states come with a really off-putting body feeling of my fingers needing to fold inwards like a 4th dimensional object. Very uncomfortable stuff. But as long as I manage a sleep schedule, I should be good.

Leo answering the mailman NFT when?

I'm on it.

@Loveeee Paste what you got Because that prompt didn't yield much

Beyond cursed

@Leo Gura Ayyyyoooo Bro....

This shit is incredible holy FUCK.

I've been developing a small belief that the baseline awareness/consciousness that is raised from using 5meo will naturally make you run higher consciousness habits and aid in seeing the stupidity of your ignorant ways. Am I wrong? Wouldn't it make a little bit of difference with things such as handling vices and whatnot? @Leo Gura

I appreciate the insight.

Totally gives me new perspective. I am now curious about the perspectives of what's going through the minds of those that escalate the situations.

Man that was a Crazy binge session.

I found a Service that I can mail my pee to a lab in USA. Still have to decide on what dosage I need for my provoked Urine Test. I'm 60%through reading Andy Cutlers book. Perhaps Hit me up, we can talk details and share info on heavy metal detox.

How about realizing you have no face/head/brain?

Additional Meta-Commentary on this Trip Report:

>Notes with ">" are me commenting after the fact >Also I cut out things that were just so useless that didn't add anything, Mushroom Trip Report 005 January 3rd 2021 SIGNIFICANTLY less anxiety and fear for today's trip. Even though I'm probably getting an ego death today. 2 grams of golden Teachers Intention: Release of fear and trauma around my sleep Loss of consciousness Fear of the dark. Fear of entities in the dark. Childhood trauma around negativity that was introduced to me around sleep. Where for my entire life I was scared to fall asleep. Letting go of my Consciousness to fall asleep. Letting go of my life to fall asleep. - Facing fear of death It's also connected to my dad making me not feel safe. Taken at 4:21pm 10 mins Feeling brain activation. 20 mins Feeling tired. I am slowly entering that dream state. Pupils dilated. Getting pretty "drunk". 25 mins See the pigment in my hands Feeling the "shroom zone". Need to charge my phone. Stuff moving. I have to build the skill of tripping with intent because right now I'm hella avoiding it by boosting my state. 32 mins Here comes the yawns. 39 mins Serious body high Its kicking in NOW! I was never shown the positive way to sleep. I always slept with fear. Reality isn't scary, it's just my projections with it. >Reality is a moot point, it's your projections onto it that make you fear it. I might need to sleep on the floor to feel safe. We have consciousness with a body because if we were just experiencing a reality without a body it would be groundless and infinite. I'm giving this body to be grounded in it otherwise it's just a fucking soup, a soupy mess. I'm just scared of reality. I really need to spend time contemplating deeper before my trip. Falling asleep and waking up and then falling asleep again. That's just life. It's just reality. There's nothing to fear. I'm ready for a higher dose. There is nothing in the dark. My mind just created something in the dark so it doesn't feel alone. All I need is to feel comfy in the dark and I'm good. Getting rid of your ego is like ridding yourself of venom. (Like in Spiderman 3) Clarity You need clarity to make sure you spend your life right. You worry about going to sleep because it's only A Hard Day's Work that gives a blessed rest. If you spent your time right, you would sleep well. But in order to spend your time right you have to be clear about what you're spending your time on, because if you're not clear about what you're doing and why you're doing it then; how can you know if you spent your time right, furthermore how could you know you spent your life right? Clarity You need clarity to make sure you spend your life right. You worry about going to sleep because it's only A Hard Day's Work that gives a blessed rest. If you spent your time right, you would sleep well. But in order to spend your time right you have to be clear about what you're spending your time on, because if you're not clear about what you're doing and why you're doing it then; how can you know if you spent your time right, furthermore how could you know you spent your life right? Having Clarity allows you to spend your life right. I really need to feel good in my body all the time. Because when I don't feel good in my body, my life just blows. I need to exercise and put the right foods in my body that will make me feel good all day everyday. I really need to cultivate self respect in putting effort into making a goddamn salad. Just make the salad for myself. Yeah it's going to be more difficult than putting pizza in the microwave but it's worth it for your body. And for your everyday waking consciousness through every hour of the day. Ego deaths are fucking amazing. They're the best. >Not sure if I had an ego death, but i definetly faced my fear here and had a wiping of fear. Open the window more to get fresh air more often. Like when you read this, open the window. My mind projects scary entities in the dark so I won't feel so alone. Google "The ring girl" from the movie "The ring". This is the entity. I am the shadow work Demon. >I think I'm getting good at shadow work. I think one of the best ways to guide me in my shadow work is to make the situation real and present in the moment and have constant reminders literally every 10 seconds. It doesn't even cross my mind anymore to think about the dark. My ego died for several hours on that trip. Ego dead >I think. Post Trip Report (Made like a day after) In the middle of the trip I lost my mind for like a couple hours My relationship with the dark has completely shifted. Now I look in the dark and see nothing, and don't think much about it. However the day after those mysterious entities in the dark has just been personified to that girl, so now I just look for that girl. But that should pass. Hopefully! But if I do see her or encounter her presence, I'm going to have to give her a big hug and my love. (Because what else am I gonna do?) My relationship with sleep has completely shifted. Now I just go to sleep when I want to, I lie my head, close my eyes and patiently wait for me to fall asleep. These shifts are herculean shifts for me as for my entire life I've been terrorized of going to sleep. This is probably the pinnacle of all Shadow work I've done. I was so afraid of the dark that I would have to have a light on just to move around. Because if the light was off then something dark and scary could have threatened me. Logic being if I can see what was going on then nothing can hurt me. Now my relationship to light has completely changed where I only turn the light on if I really can't see where the hell I'm going. It's an OPTION now whether or not I turn the light on or off. Before it wasn't an option, the light had to be on OR ELSE I was scared of the dark. I could not move around unless it was lit up with light. I probably think I'm going to want to do another trip with the same intention around fear of the dark to really extinguish it, but this trip has dramatically changed a lot for me. Anxiety that was a 9/10 has went down to 1/10. As I do more and more Shadow work, the more I believe that: what happens in your life are the insights you are "sentenced with having". Reality is always taking you to school. And your Shadow work is your homework. I also recognized the impotence of clarity. The need to stress clarity to the point that I know exactly what to do.

Mushroom Trip Report 005 This is probably one of my more terrifying trips, and it was one of those trips where I ended up facing my fears willingly. I also really started to tune in and listen to my body when it comes to making sure that it feels right by exercising it and feeding it the right food every single day. This is my way of cultivating self respect. Keeping a solid sleep schedule is one of the best ways I can show myself self-respect. I’ve also noticed on this trip that when you go for an ego death, it is a cheat code to delete any overwhelming fear. I strongly believe that you must do all of your shadow work when you first approach psychedelics. This includes consciously eliminating all fear. This will help you a lot in the long run on your psychonaut journey. >”Reality is a moot point, it's your projections onto it that make you fear it.” I realised deeply the importance of Clarity in living a profound life.

I want to really learn how to communicate my ideas as you are not limited by your imagination, but your ability to communicate your ideas.

@UnbornTao Very interesting, I never heard of these people! Thanks!

My domain of mastery is teaching Self-Actualization. @UnbornTao Already on contemplating, just asking the forum if I can snag some good resources.

Little bit of a distraction post... What topics do you anticipate Leo to speak on in 2022? Here's all the ones that I can think of that I look forward to: Evolution Shadow Work Integrity part 2 Relativism part 2 Understanding Emotions part 2 Holons Part 2 Absolute total Awakening in real time.. LIVE (yes again) Some idea I have have never heard about Some crazy practical shit I didn't know I needed.

Yes, it will make you more intelligent if used it to direct your consciousness towards deep questions about reality. You will start to make more intelligent decisions once your awareness is tuned to what's actual, what's REAL, what's true. Leo does an amazing job on explicitizing what real intelligence looks like in this episode. I would appreciate if someone here can timestamp when he talks about his definition of intelligence.

Link to Journal on this Trip Report