ZenSwift

Additional Meta-Commentary on this Trip Report: Parent Document of My Trip Reports

Mushrooms Trip Report 008 Sept 9th 2021 2g chocolate bar shroom edible Might be a lot more potent Hiking in deep forest with family. Taken at 12:40pm 24min Feeling activation A bit of nausea. Hands looking a bit different. More colour distinction. Starting to loose myself. About 30 min mark its kicking in hard. 33min Visuals 40 min is kicked in All the trees were reaching out to me as fingers and arms. Was so drowsy and yawning like crazy. A bit of nausea. 3h It's really hard to understand reality right now. I am God trying to create, but, I wonder if I should. Just like how you have control over your imagination. You can spawn that into reality right now. >This what I believed in the moment. Probably God in an Egoic way because I have yet to realize no self lol. I could, for example, introduce a letter into the English language, and make all English speakers use it in their language. I don't want to hurt anyone with how deep my understanding of reality is. Because I know as God I could muster the confidence to create anything I wanted and eventually I will. WE (as humans) will. It's rough to go through a psycedelic, BUT the information you get is very important for your life and as your grow your understanding that you are God. I know you're God, but it will take time for you to understand it, and that's okay. >once again, my knowledge of "God" here is probably not accurate. Because you will eventually become VERY smart. Your brain will grow huge with knowledge. You could grow a tree out of a rock right now, but you need to get very smart (conscious) first, as it would take a lot of time, patience and effort. But eventually you could grow a tree out of a rock right now, but you need to get very (conscious) first, and it will take a lot of time and patience and effort. But eventually you will become the awesome God that you are. Yes this right now is ideology, but eventually you'll figure it out. Yes there is ideologies of what God is but you'll eventually figure it out. It will take lots of courage to Grow your self to become the powerful God that you are. You WILL be able to spawn trees out of rocks, but It'll take me years. If I wanted to become really smart right now and understand everything, I can, but, are you willing to go through the emotional barriers to do it? It's a wild ride to grow your understanding that you're God. Eventually you'll be able to spawn trees if you wanted to. My understanding of my potential is so deep. Why just teach through just language? It's so limited. Me teaching other people knowledge I find is my way of controlling people to demonstrate my understanding of God. Like releasing ideas as mind viruses. How do you say the coolest things? You just will it into reality. To understand what God is, IS literally a process of just opening the mind. 4h 20 min, big jump back into sober reality. My mind is so open that it takes time to understand social constructions. You have to be motivated to teach people what you understand. Later.... 11h For a while I believed that I am God and had the ability to start imagining things into existence at the drop of a hat. I could imagine a tree growing out of a rock if my will desired. I could materially manifest it into existence. Boundaries between gender and age and relationships relative to me such as "family" completely collapsed, as I just wanted to show my love intimately with everybody. My mind was so open that dualities such as gender and age started to collapse. In that moment I felt extremely authentically pansexual. Nondual pansexuality. The idea that the small 5% part of your body between your legs played a significant role in determining how much I love you was nonsense. I let go of my life. I saw my life as a cog in the machine of the super organism of the human race. I saw my ability to completely change the world and have the impact of Christ. I realized that there are people that are super conscious and enlightened, and they just simply may or may not be in the spotlight. Many of them will just be random nobodies. But they will be Gods amongst men with their level of Christ consciousness. I had my mind so open that I had a really difficult time to understand all the imaginary barriers and ways humans carve up reality. In this state, it was obvious how everything is connected to a big picture, to a large holonic structure. How everything you do, speak, and think plays a significant, impactful role in this holonic web of reality. It was a constant screaming that my purpose is to teach people how they are God. How they as a Human fit into this Holonic Structure of a Human Race. My mind was so open that I had to really think through why I should keep my arms. I was ready to just die and be okay with that. The insight into reality was so deep that I went "insane", and had a hard time to keep it together because ideas that I ever took a psychedelic started to collapse. Every thought was threatening the constructs of reality in the minds of other people. My love for everything as reality as God manifests such that I love all of it. I understand the responsibility you take to keep the body alive when the Ego is dead. When your ego is dead your reasons to stay alive changes. I felt like a real stage yellow, wanting to authentically understand every perspective of reality. I was really interested in understanding the perspective of others. And it was coming from a place of love. This is how I imagine a true stage yellow would think. I had a deep patience and passion to learn. I am much more comfortable with the idea of the the insanity that entails when one opens the mind up enough for an enlightenment to occur. All of this indoctrination of what reality is, is being unwired. In the middle of the trip, I was ready to smoke 5meo. I believe that I have no free will when it comes to facing my fears. They just will be faced. The next day, my brain was really exhausted. Needed that next day to rest up.

Mushrooms Trip Report 008 - 2g of Shroom Chocolates 2g Shroom Chocolate Trip Report - Psilocybin Magic Mushrooms So I went hiking with my family in this forest that was thick and looked like something straight out of the Lord of The Rings. Very high humidity causing tons of growth of mushrooms, moss and freaking massive, thick trees, with roots everywhere. The body high I got made hiking back so much easier, I had so much energy at my disposal, tapping into the animalistic reservoir of energy that I hold. I was able to experience massive levels of open-mindedness. So open minded that I believed that I had the ability to perform miracles like spawn tree branches out of rocks. So open minded that the duality between gender collapsed for me at the time. I was also in a state where contexts and social constructions (Self construct/Ego) fled the mind entirely, and I had to figure out how to interact with people properly. This is an important insight to hold to yourself, where you keep tripping, no matter how much fear you have to face. As this attitude will help you get VERY far. Holism is very important in this work.

Additional Meta-Commentary on this Trip Report Parent Document of My Trip Reports

Mushroom trip 007 August 28th 2021 1.1g golden teacher Taken at 10:11am Mushroom Tea. >I'm doing a gentle hike in nature. >Note: When I'm talking about God, I am aware of it in a way of a belief, I have yet to experience God, but believing God exists is inspiring to me. >For more context, My tolerance is low AF like Leo. Sometimes the best views are nowhere near the peak. Visuals at 15 min. Breathing ground. Fuzzy's shroom headspace Body high >At the 15-20 Minute mark is when it kicks in fast and hard. This was accomplished because I grinded the mushrooms with an electric coffee grinder, then lemon tek'd it, and then made tea in a French press. (if you're reading this, play this in the background right now) https://m.youtube.com/watch?v=1mBU5MNcXew >This is what I am listening to as I enter the Shroom realm and when it really kicks in fast. Next Fucking Level. Seeing the red berries in the field pop out, the colors start to saturate, the everything in nature starts to move and dance. Hell yeah!!!! Thanks Leo for teh music! 20 minutes in here we go go "Welcome home" >That's what I said to myself. There is nothing to do but enjoy the beauty of God that you are. That is the only thing you're doing ever. Reality IS magical. What's here over shroom world IS what your sober world is. >At one point in the trip, I got my entire field of vision enveloped in fractals and sacred geometry when I looked at a field while I was at a bottom of a hill. Like a full DMT visual. On ONE GRAM. The plants are all pointing to me like a magnet. Instead of brushes in my way, I interpret it as: they're out to grab me in a loving way cuz they want me. I want to be fully used up in my life. Expressing a full spirit. Even in reading, in studying, and in focusing, you put your FULL SPIRIT into it because you're enriching your mind and that enriches your entire life. Just keep becoming more and more conscious and grow and grow until you leave your head and become the universe. >until you no longer identify with the body. > I sit down in a forested area. > I am completely motivated and ready to rip reality apart and go for an ego death. I wish I brought more Enlightenment notes. Just contemplate other shit right now. You have to really PUSH through reality to get something from it. If you wanted to merge with an Enlightenment, just do Enlightenment shit. It hurts to make something out of reality. Pain must be exuded out to create something. I just want to write poetry of how beautiful reality is. I'm going to grow so much myself that I'll have people grow along with me. You have to push really hard to merge with what you want. (What you want to become, who you want to be) Work on creating one thing that's fucking amazing. Contemplation is just pushing. Pressing and pressing till you become more conscious. All you gotta do is love something so hard that you have it bring life. Working really hard IS the enjoyment. Enjoying learning so much. Learning as speaking. Learning as creating. If you motivate yourself every day you will BECOME an insanely motivated person, that will become part of you, you will MERGE with it! You will get that INERTIA. That momentum. Proper posture in meditating demonstrates understanding. Your seriousness demonstrates your understanding of the value of the craft. I have more joy watching others grow into beautiful beings. A totally selfless act. I Am this Mystic. I AM [Firstname Lastname] Because I am God. >I will show you I'm God by creating something awesome of myself. In order to get more for yourself, you have to LOSE yourself. An equal exchange. What REALLY is the best thing I can do with my life right now? Ask this question every moment as your bible. Become God as an expression of your self mastery. Your self-mastery is your expression of God. It says, "I am the creator". My every move and thought is me as God trying to become MORE. I want to protect other humans from me. >me thinking about how my ego will fuck shit up through my neediness, just want to make sure I fulfill these needs in a healthy way, serving the highest good. Destroying the ego will allow me to do what I really want. >Self explanatory Everything "physical" is just REALLY STRONG imagination. Stronger than yours. (Which is why you cannot impose too much of your thoughts into forms onto reality itself.) >A theory about reality that I came up with. Value is the process of bringing something Secret out to the public. Bringing consciousness out into reality. Demanding more from your mind, pulling it out like uprooting something. And the root is infinitely long. Mom I want you to watch me grow. And that will be my gift to you. All my motivation comes from a deep selfless love. Being completely wise is the love of the gentle push behind someone's back for them to do better. The patient one that will go around the ego. >Not rushing to get someone to a specific result. What does "become more conscious" really mean? Try REALLY HARD when speaking. Practicing public speaking. Try to speak as hard as you can, like you're giving yourself a bicep PUMP. A pump in your physical workouts >>> a pump with your speaking workouts. Treat speaking like a workout session. Where you are trying to give it your all with perfected form. >That's how you grow. "I want to see you grow!" >(You people.) >Thinking about Leo a lot... Leo, I will show my love for you by growing myself. And then making a massive contribution to the world by raising the collective consciousness by doing my part. When you merge with something enough, a baby is born. A new piece of consciousness. >[[Creativity]] In order to birth new things out of your consciousness, you have to merge with the intent of getting more, demanding more from your consciousness. When you contemplate deep, a huge amount comes back. Like a miracle out of nowhere. You need to be willing to go through the pain/boredom /resistance to bring value. Your love of the new valuable thing is what motivates you to push through and give birth to a new aspect of consciousness. To push hard at a skill is a selfless act. Because you say no to everything else. If you want to get good at speaking, you have to say no to painting trees, no to dancing, no to creating art. When contemplating, focus SO HARD like you're trying to curl 100 lbs. Focus SO HARD THAT YOU WILL BURST! >This is how to get what you want. >It's all about approaching what you do with a high level of consciousness. This ESPECIALLY comes at play when doing a practice routine. In NO WAY is it an unconscious mechanical act. You're consciousness and awareness need to be turned up to 11 when practicing. This is what is going to stretch you and allow you to grow! Can you imagine if I did 150 different enlightenment exercises?? How much more conscious I'd be?!? >Thinking about the book: "The Secret Self: A Practical Guide to Spiritual Awakening and Inner Freedom" by Christopher J Smith >Thinking about reading it. There are infinite conscious beings trying to imagine themselves into existence. A tree is imagining itself into existence. >Another theory about reality. It takes absolute courage to bring something into reality. >Because it taps into the selfless self, the infinite self (I think) Working out really hard creates subtle beauty in the body. >Working the mind will create that subtle beauty of intelligence. That implicit manifestation of intelligence, having you manifest as a "well educated" person. It is only where you put yourself in environment where you have to push yourself is where you grow. >I understood this deeply. By emptying my mind I will become more creative. Emptying your mind is going to the source. >Just thinking about how you can be more creative if you meditate a lot. Embarrassment is a mechanism to distance yourself away from the identity of the person (your old self) that did the thing you're embarrassed about. Its a mechanism that allows you to put distance between you and who you don't want to be anymore. Embarrassment is a growing mechanism. &&& Later.... I cannot BELIEVE how Leo just posted this! "Why Valuable Things Require Development Over Time" https://youtu.be/uw6lRNBZvv8 To do: Actually SPEND 10 hours thinking deeply, a set time or in the day, thinking deeply about a vision for myself. Spend another 10 after that inventing practice routines to get me there. It's this freefall PUSH for an answer that will get you where you need to go. Getting to bed on time is a valuable skill I have to push for. 16hours in (Basically sober, just in that subtle afterglow.) Anxiety? Fear? >Managed to breath it out. Was feeling the fear because I was thinking about my previous trip where I got the most insane anxiety. My theory about it now is that my serotonin/dopamine receptors or something got all "used up", leaving no chemicals left to regulate my brain, thus defaulting down to anxiety. ################################### ################################### ################################### POST TRIP REPORT SUCCESS! I didn't dive deep down into a pit of infinite anxiety after the trip (As opposed to last trip). So that's a good sign! Mind you I did only do 1.1g. My full confidence will probably come when I try to take 2.5 grams and beyond and come back with no new found anxiety. But for this trip it was a full success. I also learned the power of going in alone. WAY BETTER! So much more authenticity. Just you, and reality. I deeply learned about HOW to create something in reality. HOW to become who you want to be, and HOW all you gotta do is turn inwards and find the answers within yourself. LOLLL! What a total 180 from who I used to be. I used to question whether it was even POSSIBLE for me to become a master artist, for example. But now I understand skill building and the mastery process at such a depth, and this trip took it to the next level of that understanding. My next trip I plan to do half a tab of LSD. Wish me luck!

Mushroom Trip 007 - 1.1g GT DEEP Insight on How to Build Skills - 1.1g Golden Teachers Trip Report This is where I found “MY SONG”! The Deep insight on how to build skills is that when you are trying to improve yourself in any domain, you must concentrate and focus with extreme conscious intent. No unconscious, dumb reps, ever. Your consciousness and awareness need to be turned up to 11 when practicing. Really make each rep count where you are chasing the perfect rep every time, really going for the burn in each rep, where you feel the pain of stretching yourself into new domains of excellence. Pain and discomfort are great indicators of growth. Every time you step in the activity, it is approached with a religious seriousness. Such that it is approached with a goal to fully use up your psyche, where you feel satisfied that you are fully spent that day. This is how you invigorate and spiritualize your life. Pick an ideal of who you ought to become, and do your best to MERGE with that ideal through passionate action. Create a massive amount of momentum by putting in the volume every single day. If applicable, consider putting yourself in the optimal environment to force you to grow even more. Especially when it comes to contemplating, you want to acquire LASER FOCUS in order to create enough momentum for a breakthrough to occur. I remember that I need to spend time occasionally allowing myself to get bored in a meditation where I do nothing and clear my mind. As this will aid in maximizing my creative results. This was my biggest fear for this trip, as the last time I did mushrooms, I was in a world of pain every single day for over a month. I was extremely worried about whether or not I was able to do psychedelics ever again. This is important to note. If you are a serious psychonaut, you have to learn how to trip alone to tap into the deep authentic parts of yourself. Even having someone around you can sway the trip in a bad way. On mushrooms, you can be in a world of pain about one context, and then be completely fine a minute later. But if you have a sober friend right there, he can extend the length of time the context is focused on, keeping you in the pain for an even longer period of time.

Additional Meta-Commentary on this Trip Report: Parent Document of My Trip Reports

If you want a much quicker read, just skip to the post trip report. (Ctrl+F "######") January 31st 2021 Mushroom Trip Report 006 2.5g Golden Teacher But with my sensitivity it's more like 4g. Intentions: Focus on releasing hurt from people that never are really were my friends, but somehow I still got attached. Find the ember of passion within me to be kindled. Grinded up in a coffee grinder, getting fancy with it now. Soaked the powder in lemon juice for 5 min. Then poured hot water over it and let it steep for 20 min. Taken at 12:22pm 20 minutes in Feeling things. Feeling that feeling you get when you meditate /concentrate for a long time. >body high kicking into my head feeling. 25mins Feeling a total takeover. Grinding it up is definetly way more intense. Totally kicking in twice as fast being Grinded up in a powder. Body high kicking in fast as fuck. 45 min Starting to lose my shit. Getting the butterflies In my stomach that gives me anxiety, but like this shroom is gonna purge that anxiety. Shrooms Bring your anxiety to the surface. 59 min Losing my mind. Let go of your life. When you do that its just peace. Nothing Fucking matters. It's all a dream. Figuring out what reality is is the fucking Coolest thing in the world. You have infinite Freedom, which is why it's so difficult to get focused. It's time to grow up and take control. I'm just a Philosopher. I'm left confused. I really do want to be an absolute unit. It's a life skill to learn how to focus When you got Worrying about survival to do. I no longer identify with [Username I used to use]. Nobody knows what they really want. >Or at least VERY FEW It takes a lot of courage to really make something out of this world and just build a structure and just be passionate about that structure. I'm really passionate about understanding the mind. Learn about reality until you fall in love with it . Cultivate enough understanding of reality to the point where every waking second is just amazing. A super dopamine detox would REALLY help with making my overall life experience more enjoyable. Delete [username] anywhere and replace it with Anonymous stuff. >Here I am letting go of a friend group online that was a huge anchor for me. Shut it all down . Leave [friend group], Leave The other [group] servers. Completely go Anonymous. Two main insights I am ready to rip reality apart I am ready to make my public persona the only persona being the mystic. In choosing to learn about something, you learn about yourself. Take up a project and you'll cultivate more settled understanding. Ultimate understanding. Ultimate understating of reality which brings peace. Insight Just do what I need to. Don't even need to tell others my plan. Goals Learn Kriya Yoga. Learn autobiographies I want to get people closer to God. Let go of your life plan when conversing with other people. Just listening to other people is more interesting to experience. Rather than trying to assert my own ego and teachings. Focus on delivering my message when I'm alone with my craft. All conversation is trying to tell others about other parts of reality. Usually people aren't accurate, Nor do they care. Fall in love with the process of figuring out life. I want dad to sit down with me every day to crack the whip. Really want that masculine authority challenging me. I want dad to be my dad. >I won't ever get this. I want to Stop asserting my ideas On to other people And only share my ideas when I am engaged in the context of my craft. Do not cast pearls before swine. Spend time with people that build you up, not knock you down. If you don't have a solid morning routine Do you even give a shit about your life? If you don't have a solid night routine Do you even give a shit about your life? If they knew the truth they wouldn't say these things to me and act that way towards me. I am like a monkey in a cage. I walk into the room, I walk into the cage. There is nothing there for me. I'm just a clown for them to look at. A monkey in a cage to entertain them. Shut it down! Shut it down! Shut it down! https://youtu.be/Pyg949rCgds I need to blind myself from the negativity or others. In high school, it was difficult to make friends. So I built an identity of a shit poster and a meme Lord in order to feel loved and accepted. I am ready to release all of who I was at 16. All of who I was At age 16, I am ready to let go completely. You have a perceived reality at age 16, now it is completely different. And I'm ready to get rid of that dead wood. Time will go on and friends will come and go. The hurt that I feel from these old friends he is like a deep thick metal harpoon In my body, but over time it is slowly being pulled out. I need to Move forward in my life. I'm really enjoying this trip. Feels like an infinite dream. I really need to learn Kriya Yoga It's great for monkey mind! I imagine being a kriya yoga teacher, feeling the warmth of many around me. I want to feel fucking amazing every day. "I want to be on a fucking MISSION in my life." " I just want to learn a bunch of shit, and teach it. " "My life plan: I'm learning, I'm teaching, and then I die. " >My best quote while I was tripping. ############### Post Trip Report The trip was fucking amazing, what happened for several days after the trip was a slice of hell. With only 14 hours into the trip, after having gone to bed and sleeping for a couple hours, I'm greeted with a particularity evil slice of hell anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks like no other. Some weird mindfuck shit with infinite combinations and numbers, and my fingers and hands feeling uncanny weird. Used to have these mindfuck anxiety attacks once in a blue moon while growing up, now after last trip it haunted me once more a couple days later. And after this trip it haunted me for several days. And had attacks and crippling/immobilizing anxiety because of it. 8 days Later a deep penitrating feeling of nihilism at night. The gravity of the fact that this experience is all going to be ripped away one day has penitrated deep and instills my body with fear and anxiety. My mortality is very real. Anything above 2g becomes impractical when trying to do any consciousness work in the fashion of contemplation. At this point if I were ever to do a higher dose with mushrooms, I'd set an intention, but mostly just strap in for the ride. Because this trip literally had me just sink into the couch with an amazing body high while staring at a mandala tapestry on the wall that turns into a fuckin multi dimensional fractal portal in front of my eyes. Then later it proceeds me just hanging my body over the couch, half paralysed, drooling on the floor because I'm just engulfed in the glorious mindfuck. Do stuff and surround yourself with people that make you feel good. Cultivate an understanding of God to the point where you see God in everything. Be patient, as its not just about reaching God, it's about the journey. A question I really want to answer and give to people: What does a human really want? We want to feel good, we want to feel closer to God. Anything we do in life is to try and embody God. Teotlize your vessel. People pursue things that fundamentally make them unhappy. We need to gain more consciousness and get closer to God. The consciousness work is my learning. The consciousness work is my craft. Post Trip Report The trip was fucking amazing, what happened for several days after the trip was a slice of hell. With only 14 hours into the trip, after having gone to bed and sleeping for a couple hours, I'm greeted with a particularity evil slice of hell anxiety attack. Anxiety attacks like no other. Some weird mindfuck shit with infinite combinations and numbers, and my fingers and hands feeling uncanny and weird. Used to have these mindfuck anxiety attacks once in a blue moon while growing up, now after last trip it haunted me once more a couple days later. And after this trip it haunted me for several days. And had anxiety attacks and crippling/immobilizing anxiety because of it. 8 days later I get a deep penetrating feeling of nihilism at night. The gravity of the fact that this experience is all going to be ripped away one day has penetrated deep and instills my body with fear and anxiety. My mortality is very real. This I don't particularity mind too much, as I can handle this well, as I have been since I was a very young child, and because of that, transcending my death has become a life goal of mine. I've learned that anything above 2g becomes impractical when trying to do any consciousness work in the fashion of contemplation. At this point if I were ever to do a higher dose with mushrooms, I'd set an intention, but mostly just strap in for the ride. Because this trip literally had me just sink into the couch with an amazing body high while staring at a mandala tapestry on the wall that turns into a multi dimensional fractal portal in front of my eyes. Then later it proceeds me just hanging my body over the couch, half paralysed, drooling on the floor because I'm just engulfed in the glorious mindfuck. Here is the documentation of my anxiety, for the first month, the anxiety was barely manageable from moment to moment. These anxiety attacks I also called "Infinity blips", "Infinite combinations", etc. Basically imagine trying figuring out the combinations between 1000 objects in your head and it's kinda like that. Few days After trip 005 Which was January 3rd 2021 I was really sleep deprived. Went to to moms room, didn't even know what was going on, and then had the anxiety attack. February 1st, 2021 @ 2:53am Caught it and worked on the weights. Busted out some heavy squats to help control it. About 14 Hours after I took 2.5g with trip 006, crazy anxiety attack Later that day at 10pm during a 10 minutes of concentration practice with my eyes closed I started thinking "oh shit I fucked myself forever." and started to freak out. The anxiety is just lingering, even after a really good weight training session and and cardio. Feb 5th Woke up with infinite Combination dream, not scary, just uncomfortable. (I guess it's only scary to me when I'm awake) Weird feeling in fingers. Feb 6th at 4am had EMDR a few hours prior. Wake up at in cold sweats. Basically got a full anxiety attack. 10,000 & 33,333 >> Random numbers my mind focused on. My mind will focus on one part of reality that has entered my consciousness, and then twist it up into an infinite combination mindfuck, usually this is with numbers, but I've had it happen with really anything I've focused my mind on. Feb 7th Racing mind. Don't feel properly in my body. I need to sink into my body more. Feb 8th For the last few days, including today I've had paralyzing anxiety, preventing me from doing nothing but watching YouTube and browsing Reddit to distract myself. Feb 10th Managed to clear everything with a powerful shamanic Breathing session. Feb 11th Tried to do shamanic Breathing again but I learned I need to do it closer to bedtime because the anxiety does creep back in a bit Feb 13th Took half a tab of armodafinil today, very bad idea. At about midnight I was in full panic mode at night about to fall into an anxiety attack. Proceeded to do an hour of shamanic Breathing to save my life. I was vibing so hard after the breathing I felt like I was on LSD and I don't even know what LSD feels like. I was hallucinating when I had my eyes closed. Then 10 minutes after I finished I listened to a 20 minute audio called "Quantum K Healing". After it finished I must've immediately passed out on the floor for an hour. Like my system went through a reboot. I look at my clock and its 3:30AM. Feb 14th Been doing at least 30 min of shamanic Breathing every evening now. This evening I'm feeling pretty good. Virtually no anxiety. But I'm going to do some breathing for good measure. Feb 15 Felt the anxiety but was too tired to give a fuck and it was manageable enough to go to sleep. Didn't do breathing today. Feb 16th Feeling no anxiety. Only small tiny blips when I see lots of numbers moving really fast, or when I see a ton of objects, like a bunch of peas swirling around in a soup. Feb 21st Haven't done shamanic breathing in a while, feeling that anxiety in my chest. Feb 23 Did shamanic Breathing for 40 min then immediately after I did 5 mins of concentration practice followed by 25 minutes of mindfulness meditation. I really started to dip into the crazy infinite state. It's an all encompassing feeling making me feel really small. Could've gone deeper but shit was terrifying. What was that? Feb 26th Morning 9 Blocks of Minecraft piston Moving Terror >More babble that the mind latched onto to create an infinite anxiety loop, I was watching minecraft piston machines on YouTube, and my mind latched onto it and created an anxiety attack around it. Feb 27 at night I put together a 3 piece kinder surprize toy and I get a big hit of anxiety from the "complexity". What the actual fuck. I worry if I double down on shamanic Breathing I might induce a psychosis. Also the breathing is not feeling as effective as before. Feb 28th Feeling anxiety in my chest. Immobilizing. I'm realizing certain things are triggering it. I may have surfaced PTSD I didn't know I had. March 4th Been feeling good, back to baseline for the past couple of days. Did 90 mins of shamanic Breathing in a sauna after drinking a tea with tons of herbs. I still have trouble consciously deciding "okay I'm going to fall asleep now" and then surrendering to the process of falling asleep. It shall be my life's mission to gather the courage to make this surrender. March 8th Having anxiety blips. March 10th Feeling that anxiety March 11th Mind moving fast right from the moment I wake up. Feeling that same anxiety in my chest for hours, its constantly in my awareness and its very distracting. It distracts me from confidently doing anything. I honestly have this feeling in my chest all day. But it grows in the late hours of the day. I'm able to induce a terrifying state of to what I can only describe as groundlessness, having a dissociation from the grounding that is me being grounded in my body. This state can be induced with 10 minutes or more of very focused concentration practice. There lies a a huge wall of fear blocking me from leaning in deeper. Fear Or whatever. It's not pleasant, at all. Like mindfuck unpleasant mixed with an unknown physical sensation. At least I'm not experiencing that combination crap right now. Just annoying anxiety in my chest. I need to start practicing kriya yoga soon. And I also may look into neurofeedback training. I've noticed that my anxiety drops when I spend lots of time in nature. Overall this has been very annoying, having constant nagging anxiety in your chest constantly nagging at your awareness, taking attention away from everything else in your life that is important. The only thing you want to do is just distract yourself to escape. The really shitty part about it is that it's like always half present, if your awareness isn't properly cultivated, this anxiety could get missed and you'd wonder why there is this invisible wall in between you and your work. I feel this wall. All fucking day. Makes me have zero mood to do anything worthwhile. It's a fucking struggle man. March 13th Feel anxiety at night time which slows me down from getting to bed quickly. Lots of avoidant behaviour. I can probably count on my hand how many days I've spent going to bed without a phone/electronic by my side. One day I shall remove this pacifier completely. A few "complexity anxiety blips" here and there. March 17th Feeling that subtle "anxiety complexity space". It's almost like some neurons were attached in places that are not supposed to. It may also be attached to my circadian rhythm. For is triggered by the awareness of what time it is. Because it reliably triggers late at night. But also early in the morning when I don't get enough sleep. March 18th Woke up in the middle of the night with an irrational mindfuck state. April 6th Noticing it today when I was doing meditation and was trying to become conscious of emptiness, I was overwhelmed with the amount of air that surrounded me. I was meditating in the mountains. A month later, I've picked up a physical job for the summer, during the summer I didn't feel the anxiety because my body was constantly moving, I was also travelling a lot. I was even able to pop half an armodafinil and not be bothered by it at all. A side note is that I was working so much that I dropped my 20 min daily meditation habit entirely. Present Day But now that the job is over and I'm doing nothing, like wasting my life type of nothing (Don't worry I'll pull myself together and get myself back I'm sure of it), And that anxiety comes back some times in very subtle ways, but for the most part I would say it is completely gone. Even an infinity blips came back when I was overtired and watched this: https://youtu.be/0FH9cgRhQ-k However it wasn't super overwhelming this time, but it was all-encompassing like other times. And it was only for like 5 minutes. So now I'm a bit puzzled as what to do in regards to psyches. It seems like I should ground myself more in kriya yoga. But I've also taken a few months off and I'm getting confident enough to try a dose and take it from there. I also need to get back into meditation as I've been lackin so hard since my summer job. And before I dropped it I did it like 600 days in a row, 20mins/day no problem. But honestly, going off meditation has been a learning experience, teaching me how much I actually value it. I also learned to value actually putting effort into my meditation, which is a big reason why I'm holding off making it into a habit again, because I want to go in with a whole lot more serious attitude, making sure I'm meditating at a high quality, which has me look in the direction of neurofeedback training, so my meditation can be a whole lot more effective. I feel like researching neurofeedback is more difficult than researching psyches. Unbelievable! haha But yeah especially with ADHD, I'm leaning towards neurofeedback training and Kriya Yoga, as I've already made steps to help with that by cleaning up my diet to raw plants, and getting physical movement in. My goal with psyches really is to build up the confidence to do 5meo, to then of course supercharge my consciousness work to full self-realization.

Mushroom Trip Report 006 - 2.5g GT Need guidance - 2.5g Golden Teachers - Trip Report This is a really powerful trip for me because I no longer needed to identify with an identity that kept me in a toxic group of friends. I was able to let go of that identity fully. The idea of this group of people was looming over me for too long, and I needed to cut them off ASAP. This was the crux of my insight for that trip that really allowed me to let go of those people. When you understand every single nuance of fundamental reality, the whole experience gets enhanced and you get to appreciate it way more. Started to realize just a little bit more how my actions are connected myself how I show self-respect for my life. I show giving a shit about my life by holding down a strict morning routine and a strict night routine. After this trip, I proceeded to have a super heightened state of anxiety for the next 30+ days. Consisting of the worst anxiety attacks ever. My entire next month was basically spent with me watching YouTube or whatever to distract myself from this constant anxiety I felt in my chest at the time. Still don’t know what these kinds of anxiety attacks are, but it’s basically some form of psychosis. Very infinity-like, very combination-like, very mind-fuckey. No psychedelic trip is as bad as these anxiety attacks. Shamanic breathing really helped me here to fight through this. But I think also having a job where I was constantly focused on physical labor helped me a lot. As of writing this on December 22nd, 2022, the anxiety attacks greet me on rare occasions, but when they do, it only occurs when I am overtired. These anxiety states come with a really off-putting body feeling of my fingers needing to fold inwards like a 4th dimensional object. Very uncomfortable stuff. But as long as I manage a sleep schedule, I should be good.

Leo answering the mailman NFT when?

I'm on it.

@Loveeee Paste what you got Because that prompt didn't yield much

Beyond cursed

@Leo Gura Ayyyyoooo Bro....

This shit is incredible holy FUCK.

I've been developing a small belief that the baseline awareness/consciousness that is raised from using 5meo will naturally make you run higher consciousness habits and aid in seeing the stupidity of your ignorant ways. Am I wrong? Wouldn't it make a little bit of difference with things such as handling vices and whatnot? @Leo Gura

I appreciate the insight.

Totally gives me new perspective. I am now curious about the perspectives of what's going through the minds of those that escalate the situations.

Man that was a Crazy binge session.

I found a Service that I can mail my pee to a lab in USA. Still have to decide on what dosage I need for my provoked Urine Test. I'm 60%through reading Andy Cutlers book. Perhaps Hit me up, we can talk details and share info on heavy metal detox.

How about realizing you have no face/head/brain?

Additional Meta-Commentary on this Trip Report:

>Notes with ">" are me commenting after the fact >Also I cut out things that were just so useless that didn't add anything, Mushroom Trip Report 005 January 3rd 2021 SIGNIFICANTLY less anxiety and fear for today's trip. Even though I'm probably getting an ego death today. 2 grams of golden Teachers Intention: Release of fear and trauma around my sleep Loss of consciousness Fear of the dark. Fear of entities in the dark. Childhood trauma around negativity that was introduced to me around sleep. Where for my entire life I was scared to fall asleep. Letting go of my Consciousness to fall asleep. Letting go of my life to fall asleep. - Facing fear of death It's also connected to my dad making me not feel safe. Taken at 4:21pm 10 mins Feeling brain activation. 20 mins Feeling tired. I am slowly entering that dream state. Pupils dilated. Getting pretty "drunk". 25 mins See the pigment in my hands Feeling the "shroom zone". Need to charge my phone. Stuff moving. I have to build the skill of tripping with intent because right now I'm hella avoiding it by boosting my state. 32 mins Here comes the yawns. 39 mins Serious body high Its kicking in NOW! I was never shown the positive way to sleep. I always slept with fear. Reality isn't scary, it's just my projections with it. >Reality is a moot point, it's your projections onto it that make you fear it. I might need to sleep on the floor to feel safe. We have consciousness with a body because if we were just experiencing a reality without a body it would be groundless and infinite. I'm giving this body to be grounded in it otherwise it's just a fucking soup, a soupy mess. I'm just scared of reality. I really need to spend time contemplating deeper before my trip. Falling asleep and waking up and then falling asleep again. That's just life. It's just reality. There's nothing to fear. I'm ready for a higher dose. There is nothing in the dark. My mind just created something in the dark so it doesn't feel alone. All I need is to feel comfy in the dark and I'm good. Getting rid of your ego is like ridding yourself of venom. (Like in Spiderman 3) Clarity You need clarity to make sure you spend your life right. You worry about going to sleep because it's only A Hard Day's Work that gives a blessed rest. If you spent your time right, you would sleep well. But in order to spend your time right you have to be clear about what you're spending your time on, because if you're not clear about what you're doing and why you're doing it then; how can you know if you spent your time right, furthermore how could you know you spent your life right? Clarity You need clarity to make sure you spend your life right. You worry about going to sleep because it's only A Hard Day's Work that gives a blessed rest. If you spent your time right, you would sleep well. But in order to spend your time right you have to be clear about what you're spending your time on, because if you're not clear about what you're doing and why you're doing it then; how can you know if you spent your time right, furthermore how could you know you spent your life right? Having Clarity allows you to spend your life right. I really need to feel good in my body all the time. Because when I don't feel good in my body, my life just blows. I need to exercise and put the right foods in my body that will make me feel good all day everyday. I really need to cultivate self respect in putting effort into making a goddamn salad. Just make the salad for myself. Yeah it's going to be more difficult than putting pizza in the microwave but it's worth it for your body. And for your everyday waking consciousness through every hour of the day. Ego deaths are fucking amazing. They're the best. >Not sure if I had an ego death, but i definetly faced my fear here and had a wiping of fear. Open the window more to get fresh air more often. Like when you read this, open the window. My mind projects scary entities in the dark so I won't feel so alone. Google "The ring girl" from the movie "The ring". This is the entity. I am the shadow work Demon. >I think I'm getting good at shadow work. I think one of the best ways to guide me in my shadow work is to make the situation real and present in the moment and have constant reminders literally every 10 seconds. It doesn't even cross my mind anymore to think about the dark. My ego died for several hours on that trip. Ego dead >I think. Post Trip Report (Made like a day after) In the middle of the trip I lost my mind for like a couple hours My relationship with the dark has completely shifted. Now I look in the dark and see nothing, and don't think much about it. However the day after those mysterious entities in the dark has just been personified to that girl, so now I just look for that girl. But that should pass. Hopefully! But if I do see her or encounter her presence, I'm going to have to give her a big hug and my love. (Because what else am I gonna do?) My relationship with sleep has completely shifted. Now I just go to sleep when I want to, I lie my head, close my eyes and patiently wait for me to fall asleep. These shifts are herculean shifts for me as for my entire life I've been terrorized of going to sleep. This is probably the pinnacle of all Shadow work I've done. I was so afraid of the dark that I would have to have a light on just to move around. Because if the light was off then something dark and scary could have threatened me. Logic being if I can see what was going on then nothing can hurt me. Now my relationship to light has completely changed where I only turn the light on if I really can't see where the hell I'm going. It's an OPTION now whether or not I turn the light on or off. Before it wasn't an option, the light had to be on OR ELSE I was scared of the dark. I could not move around unless it was lit up with light. I probably think I'm going to want to do another trip with the same intention around fear of the dark to really extinguish it, but this trip has dramatically changed a lot for me. Anxiety that was a 9/10 has went down to 1/10. As I do more and more Shadow work, the more I believe that: what happens in your life are the insights you are "sentenced with having". Reality is always taking you to school. And your Shadow work is your homework. I also recognized the impotence of clarity. The need to stress clarity to the point that I know exactly what to do.

Mushroom Trip Report 005 This is probably one of my more terrifying trips, and it was one of those trips where I ended up facing my fears willingly. I also really started to tune in and listen to my body when it comes to making sure that it feels right by exercising it and feeding it the right food every single day. This is my way of cultivating self respect. Keeping a solid sleep schedule is one of the best ways I can show myself self-respect. I’ve also noticed on this trip that when you go for an ego death, it is a cheat code to delete any overwhelming fear. I strongly believe that you must do all of your shadow work when you first approach psychedelics. This includes consciously eliminating all fear. This will help you a lot in the long run on your psychonaut journey. >”Reality is a moot point, it's your projections onto it that make you fear it.” I realised deeply the importance of Clarity in living a profound life.