machinegun

Today was my last day of high school, and I wanted to start this journal to hold myself accountable, but to also use this journal as a diary. I have almost four months remaining until I start college, until then I want to create an eight hour schedule soley focusing on self-help work. I hope that by putting this out here, it will motivate me enough to continue just because people might be reading. I'm very unsatisfied with my life: I hardly have any friends (none at school), I'm not going to the college I want to go to, and I'm a virgin. I also have depression, general anxiety, social anxiety, and I have a hunch I may be in a grey zone for ADHD. My life purpose so far has been to get validation from others (smh). Everything I did or thought of doing I have looked at through the eyes of another person. This has lead me to lead an extremely dull, painful life so far. Even in doing self-help work, my secret wish is to be revered by others because of how successful I will be. Hopefully this need will change in time. And at least I'm 18, I can't believe mfs will go their whole life not realizing this. Maybe they do and they don't have the tools to change their life. Anyway, Everyday I will put out a plan, and then later I will put what I actually completed throughout the whole day. 5/14 30 min walk 10 min cold shower 1 hour mindfulness meditation 1 hour awareness meditation 20 min of reading The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida 30 min of using a white board to teach an imaginary class what I just learned (this is one of my methods I use to study for school. It's rly good and I highly recommend. Setting up a Schwab account with my dad Practicing driving if my dad lets me I know the outcome totals to 3 hours and 30 minutes, but I think it's important to take it slow here. Hitting myself with an immediate 8 hour work day would be brutal. And if its' too brutal, I might not continue. *I'm always open to advice* If you read this say what's up, it would make me happy to know there are people reading

I followed the schedule as usual today, except drinking a gallon again, (I did it yesterday, though!). I saw my elementary school crush on tinder today, so I'll let you guys know how it goes. Hopefully, we will match.

I've been doing the same for the last couple days I decided not to post a schedule every single time. I slacked off a little today, and didn't do the 30 min notes, and didn't fully do the 1 hour awareness, I was on my phone convincing myself I was aware whilst on my phone. But, it was the weekend so I'm not gonna be too harsh about myself on that. Oh, and the gallon of water I didn't do, but that's everyday. Tomorrow is my elementary school reunion, I may have to vent here tomorrow, but at least talk about it some.

Today, I was 1 or 2 glasses away from drinking a gallon. The first day I did an hour of not moving pretty easily, (I moved my neck a few times to look at the timer). Today, it was pretty difficult to finish, and my body ached badly for a few hours. Same shit tomorrow: 30 min walk 10 min cold shower 1 hour mindfulness meditation 1 hour awareness meditation 20 min of reading The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida 30 min of using a white board to teach an imaginary class what I just learned (this is one of my methods I use to study for school. It's rly good and I highly recommend. Drink 1 gallon of water 1 hour of being creative 1 hour of no moving meditation

I remembered that I hadn't remembered to update, when I was in bed, and I didn't feel like getting up. I did everything except drink a gallon of water, again. I always forget to drink three glasses in the afternoon. I realized I have been putting 20 min of reading on here, when in I have been reading 30 min everyday. I'm very annoyed by how slow I am at reading, I usually only progress around 2-4% of the book each day. It's pretty dense and I take notes, but holy fuck. I'm trying to read other books this summer too. 30 min walk 10 min cold shower 1 hour mindfulness meditation 1 hour awareness meditation 30 min of reading The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida 30 min of using a white board to teach an imaginary class what I just learned (this is one of my methods I use to study for school. It's rly good and I highly recommend. Drink 1 gallon of water 1 hour of being creative 1 hour of no moving meditation I'll update later today too.

@F A B I know this thread is really fucking old, but there is a chapter in the book called "Do Not Tolerate Her" or something along those lines. Basically, if she isn't open to being penetrated by your love then the wiser route would be to choose a different woman. The book also proclaims that "tolerating leads to resentment", and that the superior man wants to penetrate her with his love when she is in a bad mood because he sees it as "a challenge or amusement". I think what you did with your woman was to tolerate her emotional tirades instead of penetrate her with your love.

I just read what I wrote the previous day, and Jesus I need to work on my writing. I'm jealous of the way some people can just form completely coherent and thought out sentences and communicate exactly what they are trying to say. You know, I thought having my first blow job ever would have a bigger effect on me, but I barely thought about it today. You feel different after your first kiss: you feel a little more mature and confident, but after getting my first blowjob it had a similar effect but different. I heard someone describe having sex as it feeling like "life", it was more similar to feeling like life- in hindsight. Today, I again did everything except drink a gallon of water, I'll have to be more conscientious of that. I'm adding an extra hour of creativity per the books guidelines, and an extra hour of the mediation where you don't move. I think I will also wake up at 6:00 just because I want to feel good about myself waking up early and being productive. 5/18 30 min walk 10 min cold shower 1 hour mindfulness meditation 1 hour awareness meditation 20 min of reading The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida 30 min of using a white board to teach an imaginary class what I just learned (this is one of my methods I use to study for school. It's rly good and I highly recommend. Drink 1 gallon of water 1 hour of being creative 1 hour of no moving meditation

So I met with the girl today and she gave me my first blowjob ever. You would think because it's my first time, I would nut very quickly but she was pretty bad at it. It was her first time doing anything, including cuddling and even kissing. You would think she would be more scared, but she was pretty brave. Salute. Anyway, I told my dad because I had to figure out an escape route for her, and she was able to sneak out the garage door while my dad distracted my mom upstairs. I couldn't help but feel my heart swell with pride when I caught my dad grinning very widely after telling him I had a girl over. I was able to do everything today except drink a gallon of water, and I think I should increase my reading hours, at this rate I won't finish nearly enough books as I would like before summer is out. Same plan as yesterday, except 30 min of reading. 30 min walk 10 min cold shower 1 hour mindfulness meditation 1 hour awareness meditation 20 min of reading The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida 30 min of using a white board to teach an imaginary class what I just learned (this is one of my methods I use to study for school. It's rly good and I highly recommend. Drink 1 gallon of water See ya!

I did everything I promised myself I would do today except even though I thought it would take me the morning to complete everything listed out, I spread it throughout the whole day. The mindfulness meditation I was considering not doing. Anyway, I would like to get better at time management skills, but I am proud of myself for completing what I had set out to do. Exact same thing tomorrow except I drink a gallon of water. Oh also Schwab was close and my dad wouldn't let me drive but that was out of my control 5/16 30 min walk 10 min cold shower 1 hour mindfulness meditation 1 hour awareness meditation 20 min of reading The Way of the Superior Man by David Deida 30 min of using a white board to teach an imaginary class what I just learned (this is one of my methods I use to study for school. It's rly good and I highly recommend. Practicing driving if my dad lets me I'm meeting with a girl tomorrow wish me luck.

I am a senior in high school right now. And listen, I know these people aren't my friends. But, I'm going to have to face them when I go back to school for the last two weeks, and I don't want to sit by myself. So, the situation is I've done some serious work on myself over the past year to improve my self-esteem. My friends are really into roasting, but I'm pretty bad at it. So, what usually ends up happening is they all gang up on me and it's literal hell. My social life in high school consisted of getting made fun of at lunch and during free periods. It has sucked harder than anything in my life, and I don't know how I will face them for the last two weeks. I can fight back for two weeks, but the real problem is I don't want to repeat this in college. I have always been the bottom bitch, and I don't know a way out. Help.

@SamC I don't want to be their friend, but the shame of being a loner keeps me stuck there. I don't mind being a loner, because in actuality I am. But, I just don't want other people to see me as a loner. I can set boundaries and tell people to fuck off easily now. But, my shame hasn't gotten better to the point where I can sit alone and not let is phase me. @Roy Thanks for your kind words. It's hard to envision such a bright future. I do in fact plan on re-inventing myself and blocking those friends after I graduate. Some of which are coming to my college, but I will make it a point to let them know we are not on friendly terms.

lmao FUCK this loser

Before anybody recommends it, I tried to watch the "what is goodness" video by Leo. I have no fucking idea what this man is saying. I feel like many people many people try to act nice to preserve an identity or because of culture, not out of genuine selflessness. Do you know what I'm saying? They view themselves as a "nice person" (or so they have been told) and so they carry out actions that reflect this image of themselves: burdening themselves with other people's work, over complimenting, and sometimes being a flat out people pleaser. In any case of selflessness, I feel like people make it all about themselves: how they want to be viewed, what benefit they can get from it, etc. This is true for me. In actuality, I am a pretty selfish person; but, because I want to be like by others I act very agreeably. I have been pondering this question for a few weeks now with no avail.

@Parththakkar12 you know I dont understand a lot of that either. But, if it has to do with raising your level of consciousness then I'm all ears.

@Megan Alecia What do you mean by the possibilities are endless?

I feel like I have only seen genuine acts of kindness only a few times in my life. Do I just live around a bunch of assholes??

Full disclosure, I have known about actualized.org since December or so and I haven't been doing any of the work. I've watched hours of Leo's videos and watched other content creators listed here on this form (mostly ones pertaining to pick up because I'm a horny teenager lol). But, I've finished my final exams for high school now and have abundant time because I don't have any friends. My problem is there's so many areas I can focus on, it's paralyzing. I would like to focus on my career and be confident with woman, first. Don't get me wrong I'm definitely heavy into spirituality, but I feel like I got to worry first about being able to sustain a living. Are there any meditations, journaling, or other work that I can do to become more clear? I feel like I'm pretty solid on the theory part as of now. Maybe the life purpose course, or awareness exercises? I want to be able to go to college in the fall and make it my bitch.

Two years ago my face broke out in extreme cystic acne that resulted in not a centimeter of my face to be without a pimple. This was caused by my severe anxiety but I also suffered from a multitude of issues. Since then, I've done a lot of inner-child work and healed issues stemming from my faulty parents and childhood (depression, low self-esteem, social anxiety). I wouldn't say I'm a 100% yet, but my main problem is I used to find all these thing wrong with myself, and I still do; but, I'm having trouble motivating myself improve when I have come to such a place of self-acceptance. I used to be motivate myself with anxiety or because I had to make up in some way for my inadequate self with good grades, looks etc. But now, I sit on the couch and do nothing. So... I guess my question is how do normal people motivate themselves to be better?

@universe My goal is to be happy and content

@universe both

I want to start pick up this weekend. Any videos, articles, books and general tips that would be recommended?

Question is the title. Read on if you would like to hear about my grievances. So I went to meet up with this girl today, and we talked about making out on text -but when I got there we just talked and I went home. I'm so frustrated with myself. I know girls are interested in me, and I know they want to kiss and make out with me. I can be as cool as a pepper, until it comes to making the slightest bit of initiation and then I just don't do it. In some situations, there is a zero percent chance of rejection and yet I'm so nervous I can't breathe. Is this some sort of mental blockage? By the way, I know any move to touch the other person is a move that would lead to other things, I'm just having trouble saying fuck it and going for a kiss on the cheek. Please help. I don't want to be a kiss-virgin forever.

If you exercise in the morning, it will energize you all day and the sleep you get at night is bomb as hell. Also you don't have to spend money.

@Alz_x9 I've also suffered from this since I was a kid. I don't know about you, but I didn't have the best home life. When I was younger I think I dealt with my pain by imagining a brighter future with a white picket fence and happy family, which temporarily made me forget about my soul crushing reality. Since then, whenever I'm dealing with painful situations it's easy to get lost in my head about some imaginary scenario. Doing this but imagining future scenarios is a big chunk of what causes anxiety: it's called "speeding up into the future". By not speeding up into the future you will experience a tremendous reduction in anxiety and you won't be up in your head as much. What helps me is wearing a rubber band. Every time I envision a future scenario, I snap it against my wrist and it immediately brings me back. I, unfortunately, still live with my parents. So until my reality becomes bearable I doubt that these intrusive thoughts will stop. Best of luck <3

I'm starting college this fall, and I don't want to be one of those people who are in debt for their whole lives. For my four years, I've mostly spent time doing excruciating school work (I'm in the IB), but now I have some free time. I wanted to ask here because I'm afraid if I take this step on my own I could be sucked into some bullshit, because I don't have experience in the field, or the real world yet. My question is where should I go to start off with stocks. Also, if there are other ways to earn money on the internet I would be VERY interested (I recently tried to get a sugar momma, but they all ended up being scams lmao). Optimally, I'd get some money first (maybe around $5000?) and then worry about marketing and financing later. Let me know! BTW I got around $2000 saved up