cosmocat

@Tim Ho no substances and don't intend to use them. I've been in and out of meditation mostly due to being caught in waves of mental health issues and psychiatric medication. I only dropped medication about 6 months ago and my normal concentration abilities are starting to come back. I'd say about 3 years in total over the last 9 years but there were gaps and they were frequent. I'm basically starting from scratch again. Consider me a meditation newb. I'll just keep at it and have a bit more patience.

@WelcometoReality Very cool! @vladorion will give it a go ! @Nahm The feeling for me is what I meant by "internal state" or "presence", basically the sense of being alive. But it still is just a sensation near the chest/heart area. Should I just try to sit with that sensation? Hahaha no trolling here. Just want to know what the hell all of this is and how come everyone carries on with their lives not even thinking about it. Aye, diving head first into whatever clicks. I've heard of the guy but never gave it a go. I'll check him out. Thanks again, you've been very helpful!

@Kalo Those are not within my reach at the moment. @Nahm That was a great dissection of my question. Thanks a lot for your time. It was helpful to realise the linguistic gymnastics I was doing. It's really hard to talk about without making such distinctions in the first place. I think I'm starting to really grasp how conceptually dominated experience is. The furthest I've gone is realising "I" as a thought, couldn't really locate the "I". And as soon as I ask the question, "so if that I was a thought, then who/what actually is aware of the "I"?" only to run in circles because the question itself was a thought generated by "I". I've watched Leo's videos + other teachings wherever I could find for the past few years. I am really into intellectualising things (I always believed Truth could be reached through thought and rationalisation, so much so that I became a physicist - and listening and contemplating what Leo talks about helped me realise that was not the way to what I was seeking) so for a while my ego got a kick out of being able to understand and repeat the theory only to realise I was taking things on as a belief (despite all the warnings, haha). It was all just a more sophisticated concept of what I thought Truth was but with a nagging feeling of "this isn't it. no". So I've decided to not look for theoretical answers anymore. I'm at a stage where any description of what IS is only getting in the way and I feel like throwing all the spiritual books and this laptop away for good. So I appreciate pointers of what to do next and pointers of where I'm stuck. The process has been getting lonelier and I have basically even stopped talking about it to other people because that was also a way for my ego to add more layers to itself. I'm tired of being told I am God or I am this or that. It's not true in my experience right now and is merely heresy until I get there myself (if it's the Truth at all, I don't know). It does give me hope to remind myself that this is a process. I'll keep at it

@WelcometoReality Ah, I see what you mean. Thanks! @This I suppose it comes with the package of trying to do this thing at all @Carl-Richard Quite helpful, thanks! @Kalo Will do. I tried it for a period of time and got distracted by other things instead and stopped doing it. Funny how when you're trying to find yourself, the self basically does anything it can to divert your attention. I'm tired of getting distracted though and the straight-up methods resonate with me at this stage. Neti neti is certainly one of those.

@Carl-Richard I want to say no but I really don't know. How would I be able to say that unless I knew what the truth was? I can understand it in the context of self-inquiry, though. If I'm trying to understand the nature of awareness, I would be looking for what is always there no matter what perceptions or thoughts arise. @WelcometoReality I could, but I want to see where trying takes me. I have dabbled in and out of "what is reality, really?" to varying degrees and have always considered it to have high priority. I have only become quite serious about it recently. I don't know, I want the truth now. Everything else seems far less important when you realise you have no clue who/what you are. Maybe I'll release control once I've done a healthy amount of trying. I am not done trying quite yet!

@Carl-Richard ok problem averted. Got it.

@Gili Trawangan Thank you, that's helpful. I'll keep going. @WonderSeeker will do! @Nahm no idea what you mean so I'll let it be. @Carl-Richard I think deep down I'm not convinced why Truth should be a single static thing. Again, I'm trying not to make any assumptions about what I don't know. I don't know the truth. Why couldn't it be dynamic? Never heard someone make the case for why it should be one static thing.

I'm running into the same wall often in meditation and contemplation. I can't seem to differentiate between awareness and perception in my experience. In meditation when I notice a perception, say an itch on my foot, I experience the sensation in my foot while being "aware" that I am experiencing it. But as soon as I try to put my awareness on awareness, it turns into a stream of thought. The word "awareness" pops up as soon as I try to do that and now I'm aware of the thought instead. There's always a background of internal sensations as well. I can't seem to get to what Peter Ralston calls "awareness of awareness". My object of awareness is always a thought or a perception. Even when I'm without thought for a moment, I'm perceiving my presence due to internal sensations in my body. How can I be aware of awareness when it keeps perceiving sensations? My awareness always is pointed AT something. Any tips?