somegirl

@aurum Damn, that's so unfortunate. Feeling like issues constantly arise, even though you've been trying to improve them. I am also dreaming about going to quality therapy sessions with my mom, in the future, once I can afford it. I at least have a hope, if it's good enough therapist, that she might see what she's doing is toxic and damaging to me in the long run, in this case. Do you think, apart from those moments you feel you are on ground zero, it has improved your overall relationship with her, in comparison to before? Was it worth the hussle? Or do you think it's just a waste of time because they never change (unless they truly want to themselves)?

@flowboy Sure. Btw I'm glad you mentioned people pleasing and asked these questions related to it above, because for so long I couldn't figure out where this stems from. Because I generally had a good childhood. Though your questions in your previous comments made me realize just now that people-pleasing definitely played a role in me being paralized to make a decision on my own, without my mom's approval. (my dad is total opposite in comparison to my mom). And many others things, including my fear of getting someone else mad for voicing my opinions (which I still kinda have but am pushing through it), being in unfullfulling relationships (though I was the one being distant) etc.

@flowboy No, I belive you, it's just that right now I cannot afford it, unfortunately. I can save up for it in the future, but it will take some time. By that time comes I'll just somehow deal with this with available resources on the internet. Though I might contact flume, if she wouldn't mind it, thank you. @Leo Gura I see. I am making a plan for the future every day. Maybe things will change at least a little once I become independent and she will have more respect for me. I just want to remain more or less in good relations with her, even though this is clearly manipulative behaviour, which is unfortunate because she is my mother and I am her daughter.

Honestly, I was such a people pleaser in the past and have paid the price for it before, but as I've stepped into self-development, I'm not as much as before. I think I'm more in danger to become a bitter person than anything else. I'm honestly doing these house chores just to keep her happy, and not in a bad mood. Because once she is in a bad mood, she drags everyone else down in the house. And is generally nasty and on the edge to start a fight with anyone who is nearby. This sounds promising. Is there an online option of this retreat? Because I live in Eastern Europe.

Exactly this... I will for sure buy pepper spray soon. And I am looking up stuff that will help me if this ever happens again. I know about one story, I have told to one member here, about a guy who was sexually assaulting women in elevator and then he came across one VERY grumpy lady who beat the shit out of him to his request to take off her clothes. He called the cops on her in the end. Lol And I don't think she was charged. I'm not saying that women should go and get physical always, but there are obviously some instances where this works. I mean, what else could she do in that small space.

@SLuxy I didn't know about TRE, thanks for that info! I just can't get myself to meditate too, which would help me. @Gesundheit2 yeah there is something called Krav Maga trainings in my area. Though I don't know, I personally believe that you cannot be ready to fight like you trained because in real life situations, you have to deal with shock, you forget where you are, you forget the tactics/moves you learnt. You know what I mean? @gettoefl thank you, this is so sweet. Thanks guys for comforting me, I really appreciate this. My spirit was down whole day today, but I shouldn't let it, as you said..

I've read a bit how others deal with it. Sometimes ignoring them will escalate the behaviour. But this comment seemed interesting to me lol: "If they touch me i slap them and make a scene. If it's cat calling i usually ignore them, if it's intimidation and can't get away i put the keys between my knuckles and bring the phone up to my ear and start describing them and give the address like i've called 911. The best method that i've used when i was in danger was to out crazy them. I read a story on reddit a long time ago about a girl who acted crazy against a guy stalking her home, well once when i was got off my bus stop a man stood between me and my car and was giving me that "stare" gross men give girls. I was scared because it was at night alone and he was being sexually aggressive. When he started telling me things i knew he was the type to do something so for some reason i remembered that girls story and put on my best creepy grin face. Like an exaggerated smile with wide eyes. I turned my head slightly side ways and made my hands in a claw position and made my legs a little bent. I couldn't remember what the girl in story said but i just told him "i can't wait chew on your skin" in an exaggerated low pitch loud voice. he freaked the fuck out"

I just don't know how these harassers/morons operate .I don't know what triggers them to run away from me in fear. Should I have threaten him to call the cops/beat him up with a bag/make sarcastic and degrading comment about his dick/stay quiet.

Thanks. It didn't cross my mind that it was my fault, to be honest. I was just distressed that stories I've been hearing from other girls is finally happening to me, which I thought I wouldn't ever need to deal with (I might be foolish for thinking this way). I was sad that he felt so comfortable to do that and not fear if someone will catch him. That's why I almost for real called the cops because I didn't want him to think that he can get away with this (because he probably thinks he can, I am sure). I just need to relax first.

@Thought Art I will look up some online resources. I definitely will take precautions, I unfortunately thought that I didn't need to. This was very helpful and encouraging to read, thank you. I for sure won't let anyone make me live in fear. I will just avoid these streets when there are not many people, even during the day. @Knowledge Hoarder There was a case I heard long ago about the guy who raped girls in elevators and cops couldn't catch him. Though one day, one woman was coming back from work and was all grumpy and on edge. When she got into elevator and a guy tried to do something to her, she got super angry and started to punch him so hard that HE called the cops lol. I don't know, I just remembered it now and found that story fascinating. I think guys who do this are weak/unhappy souls so this kind of approach is sometimes wise. Though one needs to estimate the situation in split of seconds which is hard when you're also feeling shocked and taken aback on top of that.

@SgtPepper So true. It can leave young person traumatized/develop bad view of sex if it's done in unsafe environment or with a person that doesn't take what you say seriously. And it's so sad because usually young guys, but especially girls, are not assertive enough to set boundaries in the beginning. It's SO important to learn to say "No" assertively, to protect yourself and future regret.

This is how it should be done: We talk about sex BEFORE we do anything and if a women says she is not comfortable to have an intercourse without condom, that should be more important than a man's "uncomfortable feeling" when using a condom (that's such a BS of an excuse, as there are many brands and sizes that can fit any guy's needs and feels like you have nothing on). Then, when we get to it, PREVIOUS AGREEMENT STILL FREAKING STANDS NO MATTER WHAT. If we agreed to have sex WITH protection, nothing should change that agreement in the middle of sex (guy not being able to put on condoms and emptying a full box of condom because of it SHOULD NOT GIVE HIM THE RIGHT TO CHANGE PREVIOUS AGREEMENT WE HAD). That's boundary violation. And it is against my consent! Sorry, this was just my personal experience that I'm still dealing with. Hope this helps guys understand what consent means, cause it's not freaking hard if you listen.

Thanks for summaries! Very helpful

I have 2 best friends that I hear from on a regular basis and I am also part of 3 different friend groups consisting of 4-5 people each. One group is for going out and having fun, the other group are my childhood friends that I know for 15+ years, the other group are colleagues from my college. And I have a lot of acquaintances that I see here and there (small town). I also have one friend that I met in elementary and we were very close back then, but I only chat with her through text lately because she has depression, and rarely goes out, but I still consider her somewhat close. And I have male friends. I have three male childhood friends that I still keep in touch cause we all live nearby (one I met when we both were 4 years old). But as I grow older, it is hard for me to acquire heterosexual male friends (cause they often have hidden romantic motives), but I have gay friends. I met these people either in elementary, college or just through their social circle. For example, I befriended sister of my ex-best friend and then I met that sister's best friend and then her friend and inception goes on lol. And no, I don't feel lonely. I rarely do. I remember feeling somewhat lonely in high school, but that was weird period of my life.

I initiated contact with her for every occasion (her announcing pregnancy, engagement, marriage, birthday) just because I want to be polite for the fact that we used to be very very close friends. However, in the back of my mind I felt it was very one-sided and I noticed that she puts no effort into convicning me that she also wants to maintain some kind of contact with me. When it was my birthday, she finally could initiate contact and prove to me that she is interested in maintaining friendly relations with me, however, I have received nothing and I have no understanding for it. Why? Because I see that she has the time to post about her baby on social media, multiple times a day, but she doesn't have 1 minute taken out of her day to send a message to her ex best friend, on a special occasion, that only happens once a year? And we used to be "BFFs". Is this understandable from your POV? Like, is being a parent really a valid excuse for this kind of neglectful behaviour? I understand that once you have a kid, priorities change and I hear new parents often isolate themselves from all their friends, but is this really a rule? Is it bound to happen?

I understand what you're trying to say. And also glad you learnt to cope a lot better with the second kid, that must have felt amazing given how hard it was the first time. Though with all that said, even though I understand she probably goes through such a shock because of huge change that kid brings, I don't feel comfortable to "beat a dead horse". I think this friendship is over and it will stay that way unless she approaches me sometime in the future (maybe once a kid becomes independent). Though I will probably move on until that happens. This was insightful. This was definitely the case for me and this friend. We were friends in high school, but since I have long term friendships with people I met even in elemetary school, I thought this has a potential to last even when we finish high school. But pretty much as soon as we finished high school, we quickly figured that we don't have same interest. She prioritized her romantic relationship over hanging out in a club with bunch of friends and me, so over time this friendship became weak. We were only hearing from each other for our birthdays. Now that she has a baby, that stopped as well. So I guess this friendship served its purpose.

Cause we used to be very close, and it's only a form of decency and politeness to at least text each other on special occasions, if anything. But she is not willing to do even that so I'm obviously done.

I see. To be honest I'm done with her. Our past few conversations were all initiated by me. I feel stupid now. I have no interest in maintaining even this small strain of contact we had cause I see that she doesn't even care to put even a little effort. She had her chance. From your story, I see how chaotic and absolutely draining this can be, but when I see her having time to post about her baby on social media multiple times a day, why not taking some of that time to text a friend who you used to be close with?? You see what I mean?

Tbh I wouldn't care so much about it if I didn't see that she actually does have some time to post to social media, but not for a message? And to answer your question, I don't know. We both had strong personalities so we would sometimes argue, but at the times when we didn't argue, we were pretty close. We even went to vacation together. But tbh, I felt even then that she wasn't all in. I remember one time her telling me that she doesn't think our friendship will survive after high school (we met there for the first time). At the time I felt that was weird thing to say, because if we both care about this friendship, it will last no matter what. I mean I still have some friends from elementary school.

Few months old.

You might be asexual or aromantic. Or just depressed.

They feel threatened? Rather, it's that most people want conventional monogamous relationships aka they want you to want her *only* and the other way around. And yes, you should tell them the truth, whether they like it or not. They should know what they will get into. Otherwise it's just deceitful.

I wouldn't recommend it at all. That person, even though I feel compassion for their mental state, should not date until they sort a few things in their mind. Because, whether you want to believe it or not, suicidal person WILL ultimately cause problems over and over again in relationships and noone wants to deal with such instability. That person telling you they stopped having suicidal thoughts because you came along, is such a red flag. Imagine when you guys broke up, what a mess it will be. You should not be their saviour. You both should be complete people before relationship, not needing the other to validate your worth.

People are shallow at first because why would you expect them to talk about deep philosophical stuff when they first meet you? It would be considered weird. They only open up like that once you get to know them. There are all kinds of people out there. It is impossible that you cannot get along with anybody. You just need to give people a chance to prove to you something different.

@Leo Gura Isn't it safe to when they both got tested?