somegirl

So girl number 3 that I know of, who is my age (early 20's) got engaged today. I thought that is too early but apparently everyone who gets into relationship gets engaged and married, one even has a kid (got it when she was 21). And each one of these relationships lasted 1 year before they got engaged. Do you think it's wise thing to do? What's your opinion on early marriages? And how to overcome a feelings of inferiority and feelings like you're "behind them" in that aspect of life?

Her inconsiderate actions sometimes hurt me and when I voice that to her, she just dismisses my hurt feelings and tells me I'm the crazy one for being upset over such "minor" thing (everything I get upset about she minimizes and invalidates and calls it a "minor thing"). She won't try to understand. And on top of that, when I get even more hurt that she called me crazy just because I voiced my feelings to her, she gets angry at me and doubles down even more. Eventually it escalates and she storms out of the room usually with the comment that she is so busy with other things and that I'm "too difficult to deal with". After that, she gives me silent treatment until I approach her eventually. Which I won't, this time. I am honestly sick of this. As you can imagine, this hurts to no end. I don't know how to deal with her. I can't move, it's not that simple. I'm still in college. And besides that, I try so hard to maintain good relations with her, I help around the house, surprise her with meals, clean etc... And still, she has this toxic careless attitude towards me.

@Albert Roiterstein Wow, thanks for recommendation, didn't know about him!

That's so awesome... You got it all figured out so young. How did you manage to find someone not toxic at such a young age? I would imagine younger person carry so many problems from childhood and they are too immature to become conscious of it and work on it and plus most young people don't know what they are doing. Do you think it was luck for you? Or you think you manifested your desired spouse How can beliefs be changed, to prevent it from repeating in future relationships? Can LOA help with it? Dreamboard? (btw I made Holon dreamboard a while ago). That's interesting to know... Damn but I absolutely love my freedom. Can i still have freedom even with kids? Maybe, probably... Most likely. I don't know whether I want to be a mom or not yet. Seems chaotic to me. But I'm judging it from my experience. Maybe it can be beautiful, non toxic thing.

We weren't talking about her silent treatment but about her invalidating and minimizing everything I say and how hurtful it is. I might try to tell her about silent treatment and how I won't tolerate it. I hope she listens and it gets registered into her mind. I don't expect her to dig deeper into her childhood. Only miracle should happen. No.. You might be very right... That's very interesting. I think she would consider it defeat for her already-fragile-ego if she approaches me first after a fight. I will try to talk to her once I calm down and don't hold negative energy in me.

Love was coming from her as long as we are not in a fight. Once we get into a fight, or I say something she doesn't like, she withdrawals all love and attention from me. As a 13 year old, yes, I would beg for her attention because I was still freaking dependent on her for basically everything. Other times, when she sees me really hurt by others, like crying, yes, she would comfort me (after telling me I'm getting sad over nothing). I remember one time when she saw me in excruciating emotional pain, she cried with me too. We were once talking about how her invalidating my feelings and telling me I get upset over minor things is very destructive towards me and my self-worth because I feel like I am crazy and overreacting for getting upset over some toxic shit someone might do to me. I guess she just doesn't give a fuck when she gets mad and loses all rational thinking.

I really hope so. This would give me some kind of comfort, if it is true that she indeed loves me. Because her withdrawing her love for me really makes me feel like she doesn't care. Well it is almost day 10 of us not talking. She seems to get on with her life just fine, ignoring me and not acknowleging my existence. Treating our neighbor's kids better than her own child. It just freaking hurts. If this is love, it is fucking twisted and I wonder how hate looks like if this is love. Thanks. I just became aware how f-ed I am because of her. Nothing else. I don't know how to deal with her and how not to let it affect my future relationships. Because I don't want my future bf to give me silent-treatment and invalidate me and whatnot...

It's a no from me.

@Husseinisdoingfine "If you have a toxic husband/wife, divorce", "If you have a toxic bf/gf break up" "If you have a toxic boss, change a job"... Yeah, how it didn't cross my mind before? If it was this simple, everyone would be doing it. I so dislike when people who might be financially independent suggest others to move. Like, thanks. I didn't know that was an option. It's not like finance is a problem for a teen/college student. Not at all. There is plenty of money for me to live on my own, but I'd just like to suffer a little more instead. Cause I like to suffer. Though that advice to not be reactive might be more practical and can be incorporated if only I could NOT react every time something bothers me. It requires Budha-level of self control. When I'm in an argument I'm sometimes overwhelmed by the (lack of) logic and delusion in their way of thinking that I simply can't believe someone can think like that. But I guess I need to learn how to be non-reactive. Somehow.

When someone calls a girl fat, it would be ideal for a girl to laugh it off. If she is not in fact fat, or doesn't identify herself as being fat, what does it matter what a stranger says? Where does the insult go when the one whom it meant to hurt doesn't accept it??? Of course it is easier to talk about it than to experience this yourself. The girl is young so very sensitive to other people's opinions of herself... Shame on that older lady.

@Nahm Lol, I didn't think of it as conflicting, but it might seem that way. I don't like what she's saying because she's invalidating my feelings, I wanted to have normal conversation with her, but I also don't like the silence becuase... Well who does? When you're being served a silence when you didn't do anything wrong, it is damaging to your self esteem and sense of self worth. She's been doing this since I was little, this isn't the first time. It's triggering me till this day because I subconsciously get reminded how terrified I was as a little girl to be abandoned by my own mother. I have suffered consequences from silent treatment including people pleasing and fear of enforcing my bounderies.

True. I don't know for you, but it's super hard for me personally to fall in love, let alone go any further. It takes years for me to find somebody attractive in every aspect I find important. And I don't say that to brag, I'm actually kind of frustrated that it is that way. Sometimes I wish I could just fall in love more easily. And I honestly don't want to waste my or someone else's time when I see something I don't like in someone. Instead of sweeping it under a rug and pretending everything is fine, I'm just open and say that I don't think this is gonna work. I like my peace way too much than creating unnecessary problems for myself.

I know, as I read more and more the book that one member recommended here, I'm starting to understand. Have they ever used silent-treatment on you? If so, how have you dealt with it?

"Hot women in their 20s have lots of sex", "you can't tell me most girls don't do this and that", "girls who go to the clubs do so because of sex, you can't tell me otherwise"... Can you stop with this already? I don't know where you guys grow up in, it must be tough there, but it's not like that everywhere. Using such vulgar phrases and insulting names such as "whore, slut" and overgeneralizing is so toxic. I also feel awful when I look at those comments. Not because I identify with it, but because it kind of proves my point (that I try not to believe) that men indeed treat women as non-humans, with no emotions and integrity. Can you consider the fact that some girls who CAN have sex with most guys, just DON'T? Crazy, right? I know, I was mind-blown too. Stop looking at girls as non-human walking vaginas that have no brains and dignity of their own.

It's hard to find your "tribe" when you're moving constantly. Maybe settle in one place for some time. Until you think it's time to move on.

Still haven't reached that state. I am still influenced by my environment and what is expected of me. I feel, as a girl, I am under pressure to be a mom. And I don't know if that's authentically what I really want. I find it pretty frustrating to be honest. I don't know what I truly want. I am too influenced by what's happening around me. It's as if environment is dictating the way I should be and things I should do, because I am a certain gender.

@Emerald I don't know what I want. I didn't want to become mom and get married just yet, but I also don't know how to balance that with time-thing. I feel like, when you're sure you want to be a mom (and have someone amazing by your side), you would want to have them as soon as possible so you can be with your kids longer. But when you haven't met anyone amazing yet, then I just don't have a choice but to wait. But also, I feel like I need to heal some stuff mentally. To heal myself from certain unconscious beliefs. And I've watched and heard enough marriage/relationships horror stories not to jump into marriage so easily. I feel like these girls jumped into this marriage thing so easily. I believe they are in love, but what do you know as a 20/21/22 year old? You know nothing. In most cases you like a guy because you're in honeymoon phase. But once that honeymoon phase fades away, you're left with raw truth. And then, if you decide that you don't like that truth, it's too late because now you have a child with him. And when you divorce, that child won't have a dad (and as we all know, it is better for a child to have both parents by their side as they're growing up, statistically speaking). And no girl wants to be a single mom. It's rather sad to see how many single moms are there.

Additional thoughts: I feel like she's just emotionally immature, and not a narcissistic parent. I don't believe she knows that what she's doing is destructive. I just think she doesn't know how to deal with difficult emotions so she shuts down. She doesn't know how to express emotions. She's never learnt that from her household, I believe. And she doesn't like to be criticized because she probably already has a low sense of self-worth. Her self-esteem is already fragile enough. I just feel sorry for her. But not in a sarcastic way, but actually sorry. She tried her best, with the tools she's been given. She's not a bad mom overall, she just didn't develop emotional maturity cause she was probably being invalidated herself as a child.

For now I'm still served a silent-treatment, but I act normal around her. I ask questions (just when needed, not too much) and she gives me short, unenthusiastic answers, as expected. There was even one instance where she asked me do I want ice-cream. That's all conversation we had. And it's been few days now, I lost track. For now I'm just sad to see her unhappy. I don't want to hurt her feelings. What goes through my mind is that I want to approach her and offer her one opportunity to talk. But at the same time, she is the one who chose to give me the silent-treatment. I am open to talk anytime. I don't want to be playing these petty games and I don't want her to think this kind of approach will work on me, that's why I'm holding myself back from approaching her, even though it's so hard. Wish she could just approach me to solve this fast and easy. Feels so uncomfortable.

@Mz Hyde Will look into that book, thanks.

Lol, he talks about the same exact situation I am in.

Maybe because enforcing Silent Treatment on me is not particularly healthy way to deal with conflict, and is utterly destructive for me in the long run. Maybe because dismissing my feelings and saying I overreact to everything will be bad for me in the long run in a sense that I won't trust my own judgements and feelings even when somebody is being truly toxic (in relationships for example). Of course I expect her to behave in a humane way, I am not a robot. And besides all of that, noone would be happy in this kind of dynamic. That's why I want her to understand. For betterment of both of us. I want to maintain good relations with her, she is my mom. I don't want to live in resentment. I absolutely understand that she is dragging this kind of behaviour from her childhood. It's not hard for me to understand that her mom probably behaved this way towards her too. I only cannot understand why would she continue the misery and pass it on to me, instead of doing better then her parents. I hear so many to-be-parents how they are afraid not to pass toxic stuff their parents put on them, but it seems like my mom is happy to do same toxic shit her mom put her though. I don't understand why. Damn, this is helpful. This makes me sad honestly. But I know that it's true - that you cannot help someone who doesn't want to be helped. Ugh, I see... It's too bad that that's all I can do. I'll be more than happy to help her if she ever asks me to. I hope she becomes more open towards self-improvement.

@modmyth Thanks for sharing your story. I can relate to some things you said. My mom also reacts aggressively, though, I have to say, my dad has been a saint. He has so much patience for me and listens to my feelings, thoughts and never ever judges me. I can't remember me ever arguing with him. So I always come to him when in need. This has been my experience as well. I also have low expectations of people thanks to my mom not being able to understand my emotional needs sometimes, so I just subconsciously decided I will not expect much from people anyway. And yeah, it has been good in a sense that I'm not needy as maybe I was when I was a little girl, and don't expect much from people (what happens happens kind of thing). At least this is my theory. So you're saying nothing really changed in the end? Damn. I was being hopeful when I read this at first (when you guys moved out):

@Nahm It's not that I really believe I am crazy, I don't, what hurts is her ego-driven stubborness to admit she did something to hurt me and invalidation/dismissal of my feelings and making me feel like I am overreacting. And on top of what she gets mad at me and gives me silent treatment like a punishment for what? For my feelings getting hurt by her? And what is worse is that I'm noticing this pattern in my own life as well. For i.e, I noticed that sometimes, in order to not upset a person whose behavior bothers me, I don't say anything, because I'm afraid I will get them mad just for expressing my feelings.

Exactly this. I've been feeling the same sometimes. That's why I sometimes have trouble trusting my own feelings and judgement. For example, when I feel someone is behaving in a bad way, I would rather choose to stay quiet because I don't know if I am just "overreacting" over "minor thing" (because I kept hearing that over and over again that it becomes your inner voice). And you can imagine this can create troubles in your life. Sure. That's great to hear. Overall, this has been helpful information. I'm already relating to some issues you've been experiencing too. I hope someday in the future she will accept to go there with me and we can solve this. Hoping for a miracle.