LostSoul

Hello forum, I would like to seek help as I feel quite lost in my life, and I believe I have the potential to improve it and change its course. If I don't act soon, things might take a turn for the worse. As background, I'm 25 years old and I've always been afraid of intimacy with people, always putting up a barrier against them. Despite this, I've always had friends and people who care about me, but deep down, I've always felt isolated. Everything changed when I had a powerful kundalini awakening when I was 18. I saw everything very clearly, life, relationships, my mind, my ego, everything dissolved. I was in nirvana for 2 weeks. From then on, I had a major existential crisis, as without an ego, I was in complete peace, but gradually the storm returned, and I didn't know who I was anymore. I found Leo's channel and saw incredible potential in myself, but the forces of my mind and my environment made me leave all this behind, and after several depressions, feeling lost, I decided to forget everything and focus on finding a job. Now, 5-6 years have passed, and I have a stable job but I feel like I've lost my soul, everything I saw when I woke up, I left behind to fit into society and have a normal job. My job gives me money but it doesn't motivate me. I don't know what I want. I'm afraid of intimate relationships and showing my soul, as I was the first one to run away from it. I have many repressed emotions, a repressed mind, a repressed soul. The first thing I should do is to be clear about what I want, but what I want scares me, and I'm very attached to avoiding reality, and my mind is slowly deteriorating further. I don't know how to be myself again. Where should I start to purify my mind, break addictions to the phone, drinking, the routine of repression? But I have potential, pure intentions, a stable job, and health, I'm young. I have to start from scratch. Where would you recommend I start in this state of confusion, fear, anxiety, but with potential for change, since one day I saw how everything is the mind, and I intellectually understand much of Leo's teachings, but I don't apply them in my life. Basically, how to actualize all the conceptual bullshit I have in my mind, while at the same time grounding myself in some valuable life. As more context, i just invest in buying a house here in Spain, just moved out from parents house. I have little almost no experience with girls, i consider myself intelectually and intuition wise (but i deceived myself into always run away from myself!!), I have great openmindeness, I lack vision, I lack confidence, I have good compassion and heart, I think I can be courageous to reset my Life, etc... I have been existencially suffering almost 7 years. I had other minor awakening into the nature of reality, since that huge kundalini (not wanted and out of the blue!!) some conciousness stayed with me forever, but every year is dimissing since i do not do the work, and i have HUGE ANXIETY PAIN in the chest almost 24/7. THANKS

@Leo Gura How to start developing It? Are there any good resources, like would you recomend any YT channel?

@Leo Gura could you please say again in which fundamental things you differ with him?

@Miguel1 thanks @mmKay Thank you for your comment, I'm quite impressed with the level of summary and analysis you made of my situation. It's difficult to communicate something so complex in a way that others can help. I'm impressed by the clarity of your response. With few words you gave me some clarity. I will DM you By the way, I moved out from parents house, but i was born Here in Spain(Asturias). @Danioover9000 Thanks for the advice. I would add to my initial post that my hero's journey started when I had that Kundalini experience, but the amount of LOVE I felt and the contrast with society, family, etc., made me repress it all, the fear of rejection. I feel like I'm five years behind. Also, my own psyche juggled to try to forget everything and return to my comfort zone, but it went too far.

@Leo Gura could you share your thoughts on this. At least I have openmindeness, so maybe I need a change on perspective... i don't know, I'm pretty lost.

@Princess Arabia well... I think I get you. I think a good amount of Life on this planet is luck. So things are what they are... In my case, right now, with all the bullshit i had to experience (bad luck i guess), I'm currently in need of practical guidance to maximize my options of creating a good Life. I think I'm on the fortunate side of the road.

@Cosmin Visan So I'm reading this very unique and interesting paper, just a quick first read. I found myself stuck at this point: [So, let’s start from Nothing. Initially, all that there ever “was”, “was” Nothing, or better put, no-thing. Initially there was no thing. Whatever that was, it could not be spoken of. But that no-thing looked-back-at-itself. By looking-back-at-itself, that no-thing saw itself. By seeing itself, that no-thing became some-thing. The first object was brought into existence: “I am!”. The first object that Nothing experienced was itself, was the object “I am”. This object, even though it is an object, it appeared because no-object looked-back-at-itself.] How can a no-thing look back at itself? How can you justifie that property of looking back at itself? How? If you start with self-reference I buy that, but how starting with no-thing?

@Leo Gura You mean all subjective suffering from direct experience of ''mine'' or all suffering from the ''universe''

@Yimpa dosage of each session?

I really relate to this post, I'm 25 and had an unwanted awakening when 18... Since then I've been lost in life because somehow a thought that life is about awakening installed in my mind, but I didn't really know what is awakening. It wasn't full awakening, just huge kundalini emotional realase.

Just wanted to know Leo's opinion on Razard86 way of communicating things. I'm very early in my spiritual path but I really resonate with Razard86 communication of things, and I think he is very straight forward. I'm sure you Leo have read a lot of his posts since he is a very proliferous user. The question being, do you Leo validate his vision of Conciousness? Would you consider him awake?

Today Im 24 yo,So when i was 18 I had a huge kundalini awakening out of the blue. I was in a blissful state (almost nirvana?) for 2 weeks or so. My ego dissolved pretty hardcore, and then the chaos came back to me. I felt the pain of vulnerability and rejection of my family and society for pure LOVE. My mind and my heart contracted that awakening super hardcore, and now im 24 years old and felt like never lived life like im supposed to (i've never had the courage to look back at my feelings). Im always with anxiety and pressure in my chest that incapacitates me to do nothing. Today i took a huge breath of Air and the pressure went away for 1 minute and i experienced Life without that pressure for that moment and It felt like i could be Happy and the only thing that preventa me for living the Life i want IS that pressure in the chest. Is like that is protecting me from Life, from pain, but It is also protecting me from happines and LOVE. Is like I subconsciously prefer living without LOVE rather than experiencing the pain that i have inside. Btw, sorry for my english. Some thoughts on this?

Is nice to have brought here the 3 users beside Leo that I read the most. My intuition gravitates towards you, I don't really know why... I haven't had many awakenings, just a huge and unwanted one when I was 18 years old, out of the blue. I take advantage of that to ask you guys if you could offer some advice on this post that I wrote some months ago: https://www.actualized.org/forum/topic/94829-blockage-in-the-heart-area/ @Bazooka Jesus @Yimpa @Razard86

@Leo Gura

@Yimpa that has been pretty much my life. Maybe I have a difficult time giving love to other because of this? (Sorry for changing the theme of the topic but I had to ask)

Just one question, @Leo Gura I was right now watching your episode with Curt in his channel TOE, and you just literally said you have one rule for you and everyone that gets into this work: "dont hurt your body, not even just dont hurt your body but take care of it, recognizing its innate beauty" Do you have changed your thoughts on this matter since you said you stopped brushing your teeth? Thanks for your time and all that you have done for humanity

@Leo Gura i really dont understand the correlation between: "everything is perfect, there is no death, reality is Infinity so It is exploring all of its possibilities...etc" And "There is so much danger going down that path, maybe you never reach the end, some people have paid the costs and never awakened..."

@Buck Edwards ok thanks mate

I can say no relationships at all. I have felt love but just one night standard (so thats no love... But i been with some Girls that i could go deeper but I just run away) But yes, no relationships or love Life ever

Thanks for your time. Yes Im introverted, but I have some Sort of double personality where I can be somehow extroverted when Im on party mood, or for example I have many people i can consider my friends. But yes, i like to be alone and thats my main character. *Have you suffered trauma in your childhood? I have suffered growing in a family environment of yelling at each other, neglected emotions, bad relationship between my parents, father always yelling... Pretty bad environment growing up but they are good persons, toxic people but not bad people. All that trauma was realeased when i had the kundalini awakening, which lead to new trauma. My mind couldnt handle thinking Im the new Jesus when i was just 18 years old *Have you been bullied before? No *How is your diet-exercise-sleep regimen? Pretty bad right now as in Spain we are on summer and Im always out, been drinking for the past week and no exercise. *Have you been diagnosed with any standard mental illnesses or disorders so far? No, and I could think i havent any (any mainstream disorder) *Have you ever been to therapy or ever assigned for therapy? Yes but didnt work for me... Just few days and was to expensive *What sort of spiritual practices have you been engaged in? I was in meditation when i had the awakening, then i havent done any consistent práctice in about 3-4 years. I went to low conciousness mode. *on the degree of general productivity, how would you rate yourself? 0, i only being productive in my 9-5 recent job. (Pretty nice job and, if i want to, It is for the rest of my Life. I mean i have no job problems aside from getting to one that i feel to be authentic to myself) Also i do not know anyone that can be considered productive in my circle.

Yes they are but i have been in this back and Ford since 2017-18. That awakening thing that was conection with everything turned into total aloneness (feeling alone?). I contracted so much into my head that now one of the things that perpetuate depresión and anxiety is not feeling conectes with the people of my age. I have no problem making friends but inside of me i dont trust anyone and crave intimacy and true friendship

Im just so lost, Life is brutal. I want to make something out of It but i run from my feelings like a child. At the same time im the most mature persona i know in my circle

Thanks for the answers folks, il look into that

There a technical problem or are they being eliminated on purpose? Some videos like the Hawaii retreates ones