ClimbingTheTriangle

Day 1 Yesterday was going pretty well, until late afternoon. I tried my focus exercise, and accomplished it for an hour, to some degree. I took some giant breaks, which, honestly, I find to be a better system if I'm getting a lot of work done after them. The problem is, I became unfocused, and no longer did any work. Today was very different. Very focused. I was bummed out when my midterm was very difficult, this morning, but I managed to control my emotions. I realized that a calm mind, and taking calm actions, were the way to go.

Day 1 I've been wanting to create a journal here, ever since I saw the Actualized.org forum first open. I told myself that I would, once I had made more progress in goals, and would have more spiritual milestones to talk about. I'm still shoring up the swiss cheese holes in my Hierarchy of Needs, and so this journal is being written more out of necessity than victory. I've been fighting an addiction to video games, porn, anime, and really all things involving sitting in front of a screen all day, for nine years. I've had some of these addictions from when I was old enough to sit in front of a screen. So it was easy to see nine years ago that the biggest improvement I would ever make in my life would be to take a step away from these vices, and focus on the task at hand, living life on my terms. I had a spiritual awakening with Christianity then, so my new religious zeal allowed me to stay free for a number of months. Then on and off. Years later, with religious disillusionment, the vices still ebbed and flowed, hurting my college grades, and driving me to depression and suicidal thoughts for the first time in my life. I took time off to go through paramedic school, and get my life back together, at least superficially. I've battled with depression on and off since, but I've also made many improvements. I no longer need the friendship or approval of others, which I so desperately craved in the past, though I still appreciate both. My insecurity about attracting and interacting with women has gone away, and I'm able to be highly extroverted when in a social setting. I also know that I can handle the stress of a crisis very well. And slowly but surely, I've been learning how to balance the harmful amount of compassion and self sacrifice I had ingrained into me from religious years, with a healthy amount of selfishness and callousness. Even though the training was stressful, and my bad habits came out in force during it, the time afterwards when I worked as a paramedic were some of the happiest months of my life. I really do think my vices are a backlash from studying subjects at school that I don't find interesting, and my ADD doesnt want to listen to me either. They've also made it very difficult to have any semblance of a meditation habit. That said, these problems were minimal when I worked, and I was able to save up enough money to travel to another country and try Ayahuasca. Traveling solo for the first time was far more life changing than the ceremonies, though they were my first time with psychedelics, and I did learn quite a bit. In my last ceremony, I wanted to have an out of ego experience, and instead saw an image of myself becoming a demonic god, and I wanted to worship then, and part of me still does. That's likely my opinion of my ego. Honestly, I'm conflicted whether I want to change that, but that's a story for another day. I also was able to travel to an outdoor survival course, during the last week of which we were voluntarily tortured. I probably made it five minutes once the actual torture began. That experience has provided a physical representation of my depression and addictions. Bag over my head, handcuffs on my wrists, and pepperspray searing every inch of my body, as those around me scream from far worse torment. I feel like that is the hell of my mindscape when I resist the pleasures, or the pain I experience at night when I've given in and my life is still hollow. So today is day 1 again (I've tried this as many times as there are days in a year, in my personal journal, and even in another public one). I've been back to finish my undergraduate degree for the past year, and my dreams of becoming doctor were dashed. I've decided to switch career fields, and through a lot of turmoil, I'm happy with my new career choice: cybersecurity. I've already failed my first calculus test this summer from getting stressed out and going back to gaming. I've also really hurt my girlfriend, because we've been talking more about my use of porn, and every time I've admitted to have watched it recently, she feels as if she's been slapped in the face. I've been clean from porn for the past week, give or take, with the occassional slip up of looking at looking at images briefly (which I know brings me ever closer to the edge of more), and deleted all my games again last night. Deleting the games, and even accounts, has been done many times. I've even given away my laptop before. I'd watch gaming videos at the library, and that was before I had a smart phone. Ultimately, I know this change has to be within. So I'm trying what I've heard jokingly called by Alex Becker, NoFap Nightmare Mode. For me: 1. No PMO. 2. No video games. I only can listen to youtube, if its for personal development, unless its a math video for class. I can only watch tv, movies, or anime if its with friends or family, which I rarely do and am not worried about. It's when I view it on my own when I'm bored that I worry. 3. Limit overeating (I've notice I do that the past few months) and sugar. Limit negative thoughts. 4. Focus on the positive things: getting enough sleep, daily running/pushups/shadowboxing/yoga, 20 minutes of meditation, and lots of reading/audiobooks. All of that on top of my school work and interacting, with loved ones. Hopefully that will keep me busy. A month ago I really got into searching out how to further dissolve the ego, and whether its worthwhile, but I'm putting that on hold. I'll still use mindfulness exercises, because they will help me with my current task, but all I care about is freeing myself from these hard addictions in the meantime. Today I already felt hard urges, and I have the motivation of starting afresh. I'm worried about the next few days when that fades. That's why I'm glad I have this public journal. It feels vulnerable putting all of this out there, but I'm also glad and hope it will keep me accountable. Writing of my battles each day is something to look forward to. I want to see day 1 become day 365.

Day 1 It's been a long time. While that, and the struggles I've faced with myself, have discouraged me some, I have been improving so much. I have been making A's in all of my classes, and have moderately kept up with my exercise plan. Also, my meditation consistency has been at an all time high. Having dubbed this my Kaizen journal, my goal for tomorrow is to spend at least one hour where I am solely focused for 15 minute intervals, and then take a one minute break in between. If I do more intervals, great. But I want to do at least one.

Day 5 Had my best meditation session in a long time, if ever. I kept my back straight for all 20 minutes, and let my mind do what it wanted. Afterwards, my friend and I did a brutal workout. Then we studied together, but I chose not to take my ADHD medicine, so I could get a good night's sleep, and got almost nothing done. Lots of YT. Tomorrow, my plan is to get my school work done early. It's clear that my medication makes my life so much better. Looking forward to going to bed soon and taking it tomorrow.

Day 4 Did great today. Incredibly tiring. After a long field biology lab, I wanted to be lazy, but pushed through. After making dinner and studying some, though, I watched a lot of MMA videos. It's something I want to get back into, but I was using it as an excuse to avoid my workout. Finally did it. Tomorrow, my goal is to follow the calendar schedule I set. It's going to be a little weird, since I'm doing a workout with my friend, and then studying with him afterwards. Doing this, and being away from home, my schedule will be a little wonky. So, more so, my goal is to get my school done early, so I have a couple hours to get my last few miscellaneous things done. Lately I've been rushing them, and barely getting them done. This will change that.

Day 3 Doing well. Went camping with my girlfriend yesterday. The one negative is, at the end of the day I tried to meditate, but was so tired. Definitely something to be done early on, like I did today. Today, I feel like I haven't gotten much done, even though I know I've got done plenty. I just feel restless. Just interupted my yoga practice, because I just didnt have the patience to finish it. I feel kind of numb and anhedonic. Maybe just tired. I know my sleep schedule hasnt been the best, with my medication waking me up. I'll go to bed on time, and I know that classes tomorrow will lift my spirits.

I know this journal looks like a joke, but I don't care. I know that as of recently, I have been getting a lot better, and have been reaching a higher state of self awareness and control. Last night, I woke up (likely due to my new medication) and felt horrible. This lead me to watch anime and PMO. I take full responsibility. This didnt last long. After sleeping in a bit, I hit the ground running, and over the next series of hours, I finished that very challenging coding homework. It's been a productive day. Going to the Stages of Ego Development video, I feel like last night I was at a low point, so I was going from Achiever to Expert, and being more hedonistic. But I am much more solidly Achiever now. Being on medication allows me to feel in control. I do what I need to with my time. It feels good.

Day 1 I'm finally on ADHD medicine again. I'm so much more focused. I woke up in the middle of the night, last night, and used the time to code until I was tired again. Everyone around me can see how much happier I am. My happiness is very much tied to how well I am following my habits. Tomorrow starts off a long weekend, which would usually be a very lazy time for me, so I am nervous. If I use this weekend correctly, though, I will have be ahead in my work, which will give me time to properly prepare for harder assignments in the future.

I was having an amazing day today. I know that habit work leads to minor changes, but a paradigm shift will lead to major ones. Looking at the world through spiral dynamics has been helping immensely. That's why is makes me mad that half an hour ago, right before I'm about to go to bed, I let a bad habit resurface. Still, I'm not going to let this kill my momentum. Tomorrow, I will continue about my tasks. I want to reach stage yellow.

Day 1 Once more, with feeling. This is my second day of the Fall semester. Classes are going well, and while it's a lot of work, I feel confident I can stay on top of it if I take it day by day. I've been watching a lot of Leo's spiral dynamics videos. I want to become more stage yellow. I can see how important that is. I've been trying to use that mentality to transmute the lust that's been distracting me, into productive energy. It's been difficult. That said, I have been enjoying working hard. I know as the semester progresses everything will become more and more difficult, and thus more overwhelming. By knocking out my goals, bit by bit, every day, my hope is that I can live the balanced life I crave. What I want to work on tomorrow: to set realistic, small study goals for the day.

Day 2 Heck of a goal. Didn't follow it. Had a night of restless sleep, and have been tired all day. That said, a lot was accomplished. I've been reading a book on python, and learned how to use PowerShell today. Learning how to program excites me, and is something I want to work hard until I get it. Also, while I did get cravings, I wanted success more today, which feels good. The main negative today was from lying around so much. I took lots of naps. Getting proper sleep is crucial, so I can prevent this. I love the feeling of being focused. I want to unleash my savage self.

Day 1 I can't believe it's been 10 days. I just haven't wanted to post until I've had results. I guess thats why I didnt want to start this journal in the first place. Bad excuse. I dropped calculus, and with my final in physiology done today, I at least made one A this summer. I'm worried about taking a very hard programming course this next semester. I'm going to teleconference my doctor this Friday for ADD meds. I've been avoiding this route for forever. It feels freeing to finally go after it, and I may see a therapist one of these days as well. I'll do whatever it takes to get better. There's been some friction with my girlfriend over my stress porn usage. That's part of what has prompted me to take even more drastic action. That and the really bad depression of not living up to my potention. So I want to turn this into my Kaizen journal, meaning I want to find one problem I have each day that I can use to be 1% better the next day. Even though I got so much done today, I feel as if I am not preparing my habits and my knowledge for the coming rigors of intro to python. So I want to study harder and build my focus even better. ADD medication will only supplement. I want to build a lifestyle of improvement. Tomorrow, I want to go the whole day using my mindfullness timer, taking a small break every 15 minutes. I don't know how realistic this is, but I want to try it.

Day 1 of Nightmare Mode I've been like a rat in an experiment, doing anything for that dopamine drip. I'm done with that. Electronic entertainment being boring will help me get a jump start, but I know that nostalgia will try to bring me back. Being clean for even the past hour, I feel better. I know it's psychological, but it helps. Being okay with dropping calculus helps as well. Lastly, I've been thinking about the upcoming semesters and grad school. They will be just as hellacious as calculus has been if I don't get a good grasp on my habits. This would have been a hard, but manageable summer if I had kept away from the video games. I also need to work on building my focus, since it made paying attention in calculus class almost impossible. So I'm going to meditate now, and then work on my last few physiology lab assignments. Who knows, might even study a little calculus. I just want to get my life back together. And just as my penalty for last time was giving my gaming accounts away, I'll give this laptop away if I can't get control over my habits. I'm not going to stay as a mediocre student forever.

Today I emailed my advisor, and had it confirmed that I can retake calculus at a community college at a later semester. So I'm 90% set on withdrawing after this next test. The 10% is if I either get a great grade on the next test (nearly impossibly, since I havent been studying, as a stress response) or if he throws tons of points at us since the class average is a 40%. Many of my classmates are equally stressed. Coming to this conclusion has made me feel better. I want to prioritize my health. With calculus gone, physiology is easy in comparison. I can start putting my good habits back in place. My dad told me, today, of how hard his college days were originally. It was only when his parents found him a smaller and easier college that he could succeed. He made it clear he empathized with me, and felt like he failed me by not putting better opportunities in my path as he's seen me struggle the past few years. I take responsibility for my struggles, but it meant a lot to me. He's usually harsh about my performance in school, so this provided a lot of healing between us. Made me think back to when I first struggled with being pre med, freshman year. I was so depressed. I thought of dropping it, to be an education/english double major. Felt so relieved, but I didn't follow my gut. Maybe it would have been smart to. At least on this path I know I tried, and I've done many amazing things I might not have, otherwise. I try to live without regrets, but this is more fuel to trust my gut, now. To live with self love. That is my greatest task right now. Also, gaming and TV were even more boring today. Since I gave my accounts away, I've been playing lots of flash games and stuff that is small in download size. Would rather work on my fitness and read, but I wont have the energy until my life is a little less stressful. I'm excited for it. I want to make progress in life.

This is becoming a joke. Today I was just watched anime and played games all day. Even forgot to attend my physiology zoom lecture. I have a few days before my calculus test, and I've pretty much resigned myself to needing to retake it. It's bs, but it's also how it is. I'm just tired of being depressed. I'll take another semester to graduate if that's what it takes to feel better.

I'm making progress in fighting my depression. Through making a plan during my prof's office hours, and talking with my girlfriend about how it's not so bad if I have to drop the class and take it elsewhere, I feel much better. My time usage today wasn't great, but I got some decent studying done. As long as I keep on moving forward, and heal my headspace, then I am satisfied. I will get more done tomorrow.

Honestly, I don't even want to write this post, but it's important I'm consistent. Didn't get any work done today, either. Now I have 6 days to get my lab report done and study for my calculus test. I'm video chatting in my professor's office hours tomorrow, so that should help some. I'm just tired of being depressed. Tired of screwing around. I know that when this is over, if I at least don't fail, I'll be able to slowly recover. I just want to become stronger. I know that the feeling of being weak serves as good fuel. I just need the energy to do something with it. I'm hoping that making it through this will give me the energy I require.

The anhedonia isnt just detox, its more depression. As I thought about my situation more and more, this is a perfect storm. Calculus is a hard class, but because of a long list of reasons I dont want to go into here, its so much harder because of the covid remote learning. After the last test, I don't even want to try. I only have 8 days to study, and do the last of my physiology lab stuff, and I couldnt get myself to do anything but watch tv and anime today, and eat junk. I just feel so beaten down and depressed. If I can pass this class with a C, I know I can a healthy and happy life again, even though the coming semesters will be difficult as well. I want to game, badly, but I'm glad I gave my accounts away. I dont know if that urge will ever go away, but I would rather focus my energies on becoming stronger. On focusing each moment on the task at hand. I don't like being lazy, but I feel driven to it when I'm depressed. So I'll get a tiny bit of work done tonight, and try to recover. Try to feel better and get my work done. I keep on waking up super early, feeling intense despair. I know that I am supposed to forge myself into someone strong. I just feel so weak in the present situation. Over being beaten down semester after semester. I know I can't take this much longer.

Watched some anime today, so I'm starting over. Got really stressed about the possibility of failing calculus. Studied it some, and was having difficulty. Taking more breaks will save time and enforce better habits. Did the workout with my friend, and swam with him and my girlfriend after. It was a good night.

Day 2 of Nightmare Mode Wanted to play games this morning, which is to be expected. Did what I started on yesterday: listened to videos assessing the games I wanted to play. It filled the craving. After napping and working on a little calculus, I met my friend at a park to study. I gave him my gaming accounts, which I consider my penalty for breaking my previous streak. Maybe I'll give this laptop away to him next time I break the streak. We'll see. I studied calculus as he studied for his AEMT exam. My girlfriend and her sister came later, and we all skateboarded around for a while (fell and ripped my pants at one point). After hanging out for a while and doing a little bit more of math, we got vegan pizza and acai bowls. It was fun. Studied with my friend after the other two left, until it started storming bad. Now I want to do a little bit more calculus before going to bed. I've been rewatching and reading media about the Navy SEALS. David Goggins, the SEAL I admire most, speaks on how to beat depression and be proud of oneself, it is best when one does things that makes him feel worthy of that pride. For me, passing calculus will feel amazing. Getting into the CSec Masters, meeting my high fitness goals (and even making progress on them), and continuing to stay clean from my bad habits will also be giant boosts in my self esteem. In making myself the man I want to follow.

Day 1 of Nightmare Mode 7 days later. A whole week. That's a lot of underutilized time, spent on feeling sorry for myself. I broke down bit by bit, last time. The external motivation of leaving my comfy life got me started, but it wasnt enough to keep me. As I got stressed out by school, I'd watch a little bit of gaming videos here, look at a pornographic image there, and eventually the cracks became tears. It came to a head when I told my girlfriend I had been looking at those images again. It was incredibly painful, as she fought to not become distant from me during our talk before and after our workout. I felt so numb that night. The morning after I felt even more apathetic and numb. She wished she hadnt been so upset, but I always want to be true to myself, and I want her to be the same. So I reinstalled my games, and have been gaming and watching anime all week. The one thing I know I must avoid at all costs is porn. So that's what I've focused on getting out, and I've been successful. Wanted to come back to my vow the past few days. No more of that external threat motivation. Moving out would derail my life in an unnecessary way. Is this an excuse? I honestly don't know. Likely, partially. What I do know, is that my addictions will continue to follow me until I have dealt with them internally. I learned that when I was in a cave a year and a week ago, with no internet, and no food the past five days, and I still wanted to game. So I've been rewatching the BUDS class of 234 documentary today, and it's been reminding me of how I have a standard to meet. I want to harden myself, mentally and physically. Quitting those pleasures will be the greatest fortifying I can do for a year. I will focus my time on calculus, which I am in danger of failing. I harden myself into a warrior. Edit: I had a great day with my girlfriend, but when I was working at math near the end, and after she left, I've been feeling incredibly anhedonic. It's been creating friction with my dad, because he sees how numb I am. I'm confident this is my body's reaction to going without dopamine. This makes me want to pour fuel on the fire to heal even more. I've allowed myself to listen to gaming news, since it's not looking at a screen and doesn't precipitate the same habits of wasting a whole day, while it does mildly help with urges. I've also consumed some sugar. I'm ok with both of these things, but I want to limit them as well so my body will learn how to produce dopamine on its own. I really want to have a healthy mind, possibly for the first time in my life. This is a priority for me.

It's taking a lot of strength even to post this. I feel so much shame and numbness. I planned on talking about it here, but I don't want to. I'll leave it to my private journal. Maybe I'll come back soon, or maybe this will be another rusty scrap in my graveyard of dreams.

Day 8 Finished my test an hour ago. I don't usually do this, but I went to bed late and woke up early to study. Those early morning hours were especially good for studying. It's too bad the test was very different from all of the practice tests I was looking at. From our class groupme, sounds like it threw pretty much every one for a loop. There were quite a few questions I didn't know, but I think I made a good enough grade to still be on track to pass. Gotta go one step at a time. The feeling of having time to game again is similar to when I finished my lap report last week, but not as strong. It makes me feel dirty. I'm going to do some easy calculus homework instead, and then maybe take a nap before my physiology lecture. I want to not only maintain my productive momentum, but I also know I can increase it. Edit: A very good day. Sure, the test is a bummer, but I worked hard on it, and feel only a small amount of regret. The rest of the day I cooked, did on school work, worked out, and spoke with my family, my friend, and my girl. Only youtube use was for math, yoga, and looking at courses I would one day like to take for fun. Kind of scared me how close to breaking my streak and facing the consequences, yesterday. Don't want to get that close, again. Need to devise better strategies for when I'm burnt out and tired.

Day 7 Even though it's only been 7 days, today I have already teetered on the brink of my vow. Part of me feels like I'm out lawyering myself as is. I watched quite a few gaming vids, and teetered on the edge of PMO'ing. I feel crappy on account of both. Ate a lot of carbs, too. I don't even want any of those things. They're all ultimately empty to me. But I seek out their numbing effects during this stressful time. My test is tomorrow, and while I felt optimistic yesterday, because I was making great progress, today I feel as if I have made miniscule progress. The good news is, once this test is over, I get breathing room again, and have time to clean up my act with a whole testing period of good habits. I'm hoping that I can build a balanced lifestyle again, tomorrow, where I won't be so close to calling this plan as a failure and having to do the drastic act of moving out. Because I am not ready for that move. This really was a nuclear option on my part, and I'm getting so close that I'm starting to get radiation sickness. Today I had the thought, that my life is like mentoring a drug addict. I have all of the knowledge to make his life better, but I can't force him to follow my advice all the time. Well, I have the weird dilemma of both giving and receiving the advice. Having high expectations, and dashing them. I know how good it will feel to see that person turn their life around and become a success. I want to follow my own lead. I do that, it's just, I'm following the part of myself that I don't need to be following right now. It's seeking out dopamine in excess, which is weakness for me. I was thinking earlier today, how amazing it will feel, to both be in the best shape of my life, and to have a clear mind that listens to me. With those two things, I could live in any lifestyle, even if its out in the woods. And the crazy thing is, fitness and meditation are free. You just have to have a little time and have decent health. So that dream is easily available to me. I want to grab hold of it with all of my might.

Day 6 Edging closer to oblivion. Watched some videos on gaming today, briefly. I could feel the dopamine surge building. Pulled back, and got a good amount of studying done. Tomorrow will be my last day before the test. I could have gotten even more studying done, but my mind was so restless. If I were to adequately work on my ADD, I could accomplish almost anything. So my main focus for success is mindfulness. Just like how I encouraged my best friend to have a strong vision for the future, so did I with my woman today. That is my number one defense against the blues. Tomorrow, first thing in the morning, I'm going to do some serious mirror work, so I'll be ready for the rigors of studying for the day. I'm excited about my future, and I know I'll only get there one day at a time, one moment at a time. I will gain control over my mind and body.