actuallyenlightened

First time posting - sorry for the long post but just wanted to share my trip and hopefully gain insight into what could have happened: I took 6g of mushrooms (dried) 3 days ago. It's the third time I've taken such a high dose so expected a difficult trip but no damage: Here's what happened - For the first time, I experienced a God consciousness awakening. It felt as if God took off his mask and behind it was me. Not the ego me but the universe being one awareness. I started getting confused because it felt like no matter what I do, it didn't matter. All God is interested is in gaining new perspectives. Having a good life vs having a bad life is all equally valuable and it was starting to become difficult to convince myself that doing what it takes to live as an individual ego is 'truthful' living (of course I still come in from the assumption that I'm doing this to develop myself - I'm still 22 and should have a full life ahead of me). The scary part begins soon after the insight when I feel this 'damage' on the left side of my heart chakra. At first I thought I will be able to heal it but it got worse and worse and I got the sense that I is irreversible and that I was going to die. I got in the shower and saw my skin turn pale and started begging to live but I felt like I was lying to myself. Thoughts of my death rushed into my mind and I decided to accept my fate rather than resisting. I texted goodbye to my parents and they called the police. While the police rushed me to the hospital, I felt power gradually leave my body - it was honestly a peaceful experience. While waiting in the hospital, I felt a glimmer of energy in my heart, something that I believe saved my life - I don't know why or how this even happened. After spending the past 3 days at the hospital (doctor found an enzyme from muscle breakdown - wasn't sure if this was due to an intense deadlift session 2 days before the trip, but no sign of any heart problems) I still feel uncomfortable in my heart and a certain volatility in my energy - It feels like my identity could be easily shaped within the next few days to weeks. Here are a few theories on what happened: 1) I was just high 2) My energy system wasn't ready for such insight considering how my lower/gross chakras are still fairly underdeveloped. 3) I simply brought up some deep blockage/trauma that was strong enough to make me feel like I would die. 4) It's dangerous to have such insight before discovering what love truly is. 5) I had a soul walk-in - i.e. my soul was ready to leave my body and a more suitable one for this stage in my life set up shop. I decided to rest for the next few days and shift my focus toward developing my life physically - ie relationships, university, motivation to get conventional 'good' results before continuing any further in this pursuit. No psychedelics in the near future Also wanted to add that I took a tab of modafinil that same day - I have done this for every one of my 30+ trips in the past so assumed it shouldn't have been the cause. I would be grateful if anyone could provide some insight into what could have happened or perhaps a similar experience (energetic damage from mushrooms or any other psychadelic)

Yes of course, but physical life itself doesn't exist. Yet I want to play by the rules of physical life so I can continue participating in this hallucination. Thanks for introducing such possibility. If my ego simply tricked me, then my psyche wouldn't need much time to heal. Yeah I felt bad for my mom and texted her that I have no regrets - she called the cops who came with an ambulance (shout out to the cops who were kind and talked me through the ordeal - they're getting a lot of hate nowadays and it's unfortunate that the good cops also have to go through it) It was indeed an initial perception of pain - and especially on mushrooms I can perceive my chakras as a 6th sense. The thought came later - and a lot of them seemed to be out of my control. Thoughts like 'how is it going to be after I leave my body', 'my life purpose is complete and it's time to move on.' I also felt my body beginning to fade. It was a very powerful experience that you wouldn't understand unless you went through it. It felt like a rapid downward spiral that my thoughts themselves wouldn't be powerful enough to cause even if I wanted it. That is so profound.. I'd need to read over it carefully tomorrow when I have more energy. I could tell you're going through a lot and hope you're feeling better Yeah will do. I was alone at my place which is good. Just gotta lower the dosage Yeah it's great by all means. I usually take around 3g and have amazing life-changing experiences. The problem (for most people) is doing 5+ grams

Imo both are neutral. Having a point is a value statement that doesn't actually exist. Point 2, life being just what it is - it is definitely neutral in that you don't attach any meaning to it; but I think it's incorrect in the absolute sense since life doesn't actually exist, it is just a hallucination of a 'life' experience. This is where it gets tough. How do I love life when I know the physical doesn't exist? Is it simply finding beauty in my (me with a capital M) own creation? I want to let go of judgement but if I do, I can't find a reason to strive to improve myself or anything relating to the human condition. I find it hard to love something if I don't feel a burning passion to improve/protect it. It feels like being indifferent, you wouldn't care if it were one way or other and you won't feel anything as a result - apathy. And yes, you need to feel the feeling of 'love.' (of course you don't in the absolute sense because the absolute YOU already feels the highest love but I want to get closer to the absolute self). Yes, but one of my main goals in this business is to reach a state of peace and acceptance. I don't want to be a miserable enlightened person lol. As Leo said some give 'higher states of clarity.' I interpret this as being at a higher vibrational state - as in seeing the information from a place love or courage vs approaching it from a place of fear. In these higher states, you are calm and can take your time really observing things.

It was just so neutral, neither positive nor negative, that I felt like my life pointless - and that was ok at the peak of the trip but caused all these problems as my trip started fading away (around hour 4 or 5) and my ego started returning. I was expecting bliss and an ability to love life for what it is. Not a sense of indifference to everything lol. Perhaps this is just my ego speaking but my main goals are to achieve the former while having a deep understanding of the spiritual. While I've only tried LSD, it is in general a lot more upbeat. I believe different psychadelics provide equivalent insights but with a different feeling attached to it so you could realize the twisted parts of yourself without falling into a twisted state yourself.. if you know what I mean

@Leo Gura You said that so many times.. I guess sometimes people just gotta play with fire and get burned before really learning their lesson After your 5-meo retreat for example or any difficult trip, was there anything specific you did afterward to recover and ground yourself?

Thanks @rav for the insights! Here's my experience with the above points: 1) I also used it for around a year - daily. It definitely made me more fatigued probably because it interfered with sleep and oftentimes felt down as you mentioned. But it allowed me to meditate through the negative emotions and I usually could find a memory associated with each one, allowing me to let it go using the Sedona Method. Still on the fence about using modafinil at this point... 2) Yeah that's definitely a possibility. There's really no way of knowing I suppose, unless I actually died. The God experience did feel very real but admittedly there's no way I could confirm nor deny it. But it barely felt like a win - just an unbeatable sense of nihilism setting in - but I'm just probably projecting my own problems onto God since I've been having trouble finding/integrating love. 3) I definitely do. It was through mushrooms around 1 years ago that I was able to connect with my chakras. Ever since, when I meditate (my ability increases on mushrooms and modafinil), I can find blockages and their associated belief systems/traumas and remove them. It also becomes very evident when doing kriya yoga (haven't explored that much yet though). With my physiology now, my body literally hurts if I try to ignore a chakra imbalance. 4) It feels like recently my ego is starting to let go but not in the way I expected. I'm simply not as passionate about things and accept reality too easily I suppose. People say not to judge things but I stop judging things so much that life seems to lose direction. This is something that I'm definitely going to work on in the next while. And as you said no psychedelics and probably no modafinil Really appreciate your insight!

@Member Thanks for the kind words, I'll need to slow down and find a way to realize this