Manusia

@hyrugawill watch it soon!

If masturbation is a cope mechanism like what you say. Maybe masturbation is not the core problem. Maybe masturbation is a causation of different bigger problem. If that the case, masturbation is relasing stress process because of bigger problem of yourself that maybe you didnt even aware yet. You will keep doing fap until the bigger problem is solved. Or if you do stop fap you need to find others cope mechanism that less damaging. I found this mechanism is actually really obvious to me now. The bigger problem that make me masturbrate is always in front of me all the time. I fapping for years without knowing this. Without awareness to it, maybe impossible to me to find this issue is literally what happened. ? Yeah I know fap is freakin worst if you do it overly. I suffer this before. I know the pain ans the pleasure. Hope you can solve your problem brah.

Soulmate is just a label to people that really deeply resonate with. Of course I can leave them if we in serious relationship. Is she become non resonate after a she cheat on me? Maybe yes. Maybe no. I dont care If she with me or not. I still love she wherever she is unconditionaly.

I work on a youtuber before. He is type of guy that make a silly stupid nonsense fake prank content. That time I need money and experience. So I signed in. He needed man to handle video shoot and editing. I just dont understand, why he think he still doing good. Like he literally fake all the action that he make. And feels no shame in it. Yes in the end of the video he have a good thing to say.. a good message. Good blue message, like there is often religious stuff in it. In the front of the camera like he is the good guy. Behind the scene, he blame people about almost anything that he look wrong.. make silly joke and blame to my co-worker who work with me because he make something wrong. I agree that this person do lot of wrongness. But the more this youtuber blame and make silly joke about him, the more he afraid and neurotic in any cirumstances of the jobdesk. And this youtuber looks have a feel of pleasure and power doing this shit. Even in friendship hood like he is a goodie guy that can really vibe. In the working enviroment, he as leader is doing really harmful stuff. He oftentimes meet the deadlines and drive his car like crazy. And dont care about anything else expect his work need to be done at anything cost. Our team oftentimes cross the local rule and local moral value to meet his crazy idea. Almost in every project he make, he always insert some sort of scheme to manipulate how viewer see the video. He really afraid of me. I know all his weak points and blunder. I can blow him up everytime. He really implusive. Idk if this guy really have a good intention or not. Its like he is a narcisstic. When he found someone know his own bullshit he act like someone who really dont know anything and have a really good intention. Meanwhile oftentimes I really see his intention is to just manipulate everything for the sake of 'content'. In the long run if I work in this place I know my art style is just really be capitalized by my mind. And my creativity goes out the window. Time by time I unconscioussly become afraid if I do something wrong and he will angry with me. And I have my sense of independence. I become obeyer. I became really pragmatic and always see things like.. this shit will make more attention, this shit not.. this shit will make more fame and this is not. My mind become really toxic. Now Im out. And when I see his work.. I just wanna say my post before this.

Warning: Hate note You famous? So what? So I more care about ya? So I need to make you an important person that I can use your famousity for my own advantage? U know why I hate most famous ppl? They just care about their self image. Not about how others feels and think. They dont care about perspective of others. SO YOU. Yes. YOU.

I met this person. Its exist. I think soulmate is a label for someone that really dang click with yourself in really deeper layer of yours When you meet them, you will directly recognize them. Its inner knowing that something is ignited in both of your soul. The quotes bellow is what really feels like when you met he/she. Source : Amiliy Gough Coaching.

Its a skill to develop actually.

I do really miss this sense of life exploration. The zest of life. Actually zest of life is a previllege.. I understand it now. I think I need beware of this.. I can sense this huge happiness can make to others damage too.. sometimes it unconscious action one used to maintain the sense of happiness that happened.. so oftentimes they ignore lot of shit.. putting lot of stuff they dont want to see in the shadow. The problem in shadow is.. its always come to got the light in matter of time. Ok I know.. Need to be really aware when I'm happy. Most of my happy time, I do not bring consciousness there. My most conscious time actually is when I have sadness in it. When there is pain in it.

The Rolling Snow of Development - Begin. Today hit different. Idk why Im feeling REALLY HIGH AF since tonight. Im really detached and can see my mind from more distant as aever without using psychedelic. My development now is very rapid. I think I never really grown for almost 4 years.. the fruit never seems.. I just using mask in my development journey. The big shift that happened I think caused by me following what my intuition/heart/higherself says to me. I never forget it. In any case following intuition give much growth and happiness level that I cannot gain with my thinking mind. It just earth to the sky comparasion. The division when I was using my thinking mind.. is really torture me hard. I dont know.. this heart/intuition thing is much smarter than myself.. ever. When I think I can handle decisive making situation better than this. I just bullshitting myself. I got sober happiness that I really miss since 5 years ago. And even more beautiful this happiness come with conscioussness.. not with high illusion stuff. Now I can tell I much more in control, grounded, conscious, acceptance, loving, brave, alligned than ever before. Im detach baby! right now Im detach baby! like subtle flying feeling from my body hahaha. Im grateful. Im not lying to myself this time, telling myself im OK and happy. Lets go building healthy habits! Healthy boundaries! Helathy ego! The development snow start rolling baby! I sense it! I sense it before it start! Leibe.

Can yellow thinker regressed? Sometimes I use yellow thinking but oftentimes regressed.. I see the problem is I need to really fully integrate lots of lower value of the SD in my psyche so the yellow thinking is not so much blind spot. I just sense something isn't right and fully ready to be a solid yellow. Lot of aspect of lower SD value is throwed to my shadow, I realized now. I think I need to addresed lot of lower stage especially blue that I always try to evade due my own reason. But unintegrated blue value cause a lot of trouble in how I interact with my enviroment that mostly solid blue and especially my own emotional stability. The feeling in system thinking with unhealthy value is just.. like riding a motorcycle with unhealthy machine, its walk ugly and doesnt feel right to ride. I'm sure at the times is not orange, I'm really self aware about how I construct the meaning that I choose to be and how it will react back and forth with the enviroment and mental conditonal that I currently have. But who knows.. Anyone have experience on this? (*OOT) My current value Red : 7% fap addiction that lead to some implusive behaviour. Working on it, have a bet with a friend with same issue. Holding a fap for a week lol. When I feel weak, I listen to russian village boys, DJ blyatman.. vibe with it and have the power. Red integration make me say what I really need to say truthfully. Its really important to suppress opinion for people like me. Now I can say and hold my thought and even fight for what I see is true if it really necessary. Stand dont want to be oppresed, not good for your mental wellbeing for not holding thight your true value. Sometimes if it happened you just dont know yourself and what you want. And its lead to huge confusion that really toxify because its the root. I learn the hard way. Blue : 30% learning blue is really important. Its just feel more in the ground knowing blue essence. And become really understood how blue people think. Most of them just want love for the goods of other. The sarifice is from a good intention, a good sweet heart. And its still good, really good. Know the limit. You still a self that need a huge individuality. Understanding blue is a big impact, individuality blue (if its the right phase) have a really good moral value. Strong inner guidance. Knowing what one need the most during the big strom is really needed. Stay grounded and strong to the deep of the heart. Orange : 20% deep down I really know I have great ability to fit in orange society. I naturally know which is the way to make more money. But I couldnt handle lot of orange toxicity. Need to have me in the place that have good orang flow. Lot of blind spot in this. Green : 40% tarot, new age, chakra, kindness, heart centered, healing, to the feminine, heart meditation, spirit guide, energy, soul mate, twin flame. Thats really a meat! I understand since childhood the deep essence in this green value even though my enviroment that time barely touch the orange. I know it instinctively. The downside is, my childhood is not so good. Yellow : 3% sometimes I got there. Feels amazing right? detached and just aware, constructing and deconstructing.. moving the subject with many different frame.

What do you mean exhaust? Is every lower value really need to be exhaust? I think of this for a while.. I think the thing that really need to be exhaust is the toxic one until we realized its is not right and became conscious about upper value.. Is am right?

That is really huge information for me. I can relate with this. I have ex with very strong orange and little bit of green. The problem is she not really grow in the spiral anymore, she is holding me back actually. Still making sense of this.. in my mine it doesnt work that way. Because I think with practicing system thinking.. I will automatically practice detachment too.

Yeah I totally agree! I see myself be more in touch into yellow from watching Yellow youtuber.. and contemplating the mechanism concept. Maybe yellow thinking is like muscle? I think we have common challange in this development.

Back and forth healing my value. To the Blue. The family. Feels this early year is about blue integrating to my psyche system. Got myself grounded. Family and village people that I think is bullshit and no need to learn overthere is truly something I missed out. Yeah its true most village in my place is really undeveloped blue and have some big pendelum. My province especially have collective toxic blue value in conformity. Thanks to covid-19 this issue is little bit better. I observe it. People became hugely more individuated here. Back to my village.. in my village there is some people that I see is wise in their level of perception. I dont know this is weird but I channeled their wisdom in my psychedelic experience. I have vision about some people that have inner wisdom including my mom, my dad, my grandfather and my uncle. Its like channeled in some sense and I got the essence and integrated to my own system. Its really weird because I see my family in some sort of tribe family vibe, tribe family in ancient mountain (yes I live in near ancient mountain)... mmm I dont know to reframe it actually. The information that I got is much and it barely cover my language articulation skill. Maybe its even deeper than blue.. but its cover blue. Or it not have a correlation to this topic.. really strange but make sense to me in deep level. The deepest thing that I learn in blue territorial is grasp responsibility of oneself mind. Awareness of whats mind doing and own it. In some case it lead me to the yellow territory. I know how my mind and emotion intertwined and continous making meaning. The hardest part of it is the need of continous awareness. This practice is really hard and exhausting. But it got better and better. Its like muscle. Own anything that happened to you. Own it. Its your responsibility. Take full responsibility. Because its you. Really you. Just you. You. Now I understand how blue people really think.. and the essence of it. How they do for love. The sarcifice. The big unconscious. Big conformity for security sake of feeling. And the robot of belief. But what I got from my small family, even they think and do lot of unconscious thing and make me mad lot of times.. they love me and its big love. They ready to sarcifice a lot. And already. The Family. The mistake that I do is constantly judging my family from my point of view for what they do to me. They not hear me. They not give what I need to learn. They dont understand my real feeling. They even never asking me 'how do you feel?' never. They not see me as a full human being. They see me as a child label that dont know anything. Then I never say it to them. And repressed all of nasty feeling. Eventually 1 month ago I spoke up all the heavy emotion and just fuck it. My mother cry, my dad got mad. But now its got far better. Our connection grow stronger than ever. I know my family is far from perfect. But I still really grateful for my family. I see lot of more awful family. Far far worse.

Yeah in this topic I want to create some note on my journey in self-actualization from spiral dynamic perspective. I want to use spiral dynamic to see my journey because people can understand it from their point of view more easily. If I didnt use SD my content is just will be all over the place without proper context.

You will become a really good mom preety!

For you that missed out Leo torquise video :

There is lot going on in my life this week. The emotional rollercoaster hit my mind again and again. I think it will stop after I break up with my Gf.. but sadly no. There is other external stuff that need to be change because I see myself changing.. being really different person. Now Im.. More independent, can think for oneself (the die of conformity blue culture), more grounded, find inner guidance, increased intuition, I sense higher emotional intellegence too in myself, more control to my own mind (I see and own my mind in creating the matrix, when I take full responsibility and ownership in my mind I have more control naturally. The effect is HUGE btw), becoming INTP as I'm INTJ before, more openminded, reaching yellow thinking more often without psychedelic, have more courage, have more worth, finding true value, ability to sense if there is something wrong (expect to the inner error, still learn it though), healing lot of painful neurotic trauma, more detached in dating, and maybe there is more but overall is like transformation going on me. Still there is a lot of homework.. Internal work and external work. Im seriously tired. Man.. This week lot of things surface up and its really hard to deal with because I have lot of loss too.. I loss my 4 years GF... the only one that hear me with intellegence and non judging manner. The one who grounded me. The one who teach me and heal me. I think its OK before.. but times come by and I really need someone to talk deeply. I need someone to rely on my emotion. Sometimes I just need to rest with someone who understand me.. but, right now.. there is no one. Just me and my ego mind. I try to put my words on twitter but it didnt really work. I need bigger tree to rest in the shade. I know this is sound really needy as fuck. But I dont care. This is my emotion and my confused mind that say it. Its valid. I try Tinder but I just found bunch of unconscious girl that just make my head tired. In my country, spiral dynamic stage green is still very rare to find. I couldn't find a safe space for my emotional sensitivity. Most people in my area cannot listen. They judge harshly. At least at this forum I can share my thought.. and this forum is the only safe space for me right now. Im so grateful for that. Now I have decide to be happy with my ownself without rely to anyone else. This is really though way to live but. I think there is no other alternative right now. I want to become independet self.

Yeah I just curious about ppl experience on it because my friend take shroom and he sleep.. he said the effect still there after he sleep.. but the effect is no much stronger and the insight is far more less.. just like you say, he didnt trip when sleeping.. he unconscious during sleep.

Whats the effect?

My mind in nutshell when the thought is balloning with unconsciouss energy.

@Elham Love your vibe!

Yup.. yellow thinking is more often occured due watching more of Diamond Net youtube channel. The way she talk really resonate with my self. The biggest pull in my meta thinking is my own urgent to 'Take full responsibility/ownership over anything that happened in my reality'. And one my biggest problem is to take ownership over my own thought process. The problem is really deep when I peeling the layer of it. The implication is, everywhere. I have a deep trauma in my life. I dont know but I found I'm really sensitive to energy. When some weird energy approach me I feel really anxious and unconsciously try to hide the fact that I'm disturbed mentally with that and put the fact in my shadow. The effect is like crazy, I dont even know what I'm feeling, thinking, want. I just feeling all shadow bubble in my mind and body. I became super duper mechanical. The problem that I got is very much nuance. Lot of story to tell, in short I have a guidance last month from something that clearly I'm not sure of it (maybe angel, higher self, some sort of entitiy). The message is I need to have ownership to anything that happened in my direct experience. And it somehow point to my thought process. And I try to put all of my awareness as hard as possible to my thought process that always bother me. And I cry, I realized I really never have awareness. I realized how small is it my awareness. I realized my cope mechanism is to always avoid take awareness in my thought process. ......That was a long motorcycle ride in the misty forest, at midnight with heavy rain. It's one of my dark place in life. That time I broken mentally..... 2 days after that.. have a question to myself.. 'how I can be responsible in my thought if I dont aware anything about what I'm thinking?'. 'How can I know if its really my thought if I dont watch it by myself?'. And yeah afterthat I tell to myself I need to have constant awareness in my thinking process. And its was really though. Is really make me tired to watch every thought especially the thought process that feels weird in negative way. Or when some entity hitched to my body/mind.. Its really hard as fuck. But I knew this is the way. I knew it. It feels right to my soul. Gradually now my muscle of awareness in my thinking process become stronger. Its not really make me tired as before. And the benefit is really huge. I can carry myself differently. And most importantly related to SD. I can much more thinking integrally. I know it still weak but not as outlandish as before. Yellow thinking started to look like real land for me.. not a dream. And I found some disscusion in relationship subforum.. and some people talk about Anima integration in it. I just think it's not really useful before. But when I see the video from The Diamond Net.. Wow.. I have direct healing impact. Its liberating. My shadow devil have the light to himself and merge with the light. Beside it, now I really love yellow thinking. It feels like the right way to think for me. Its just fit. Like I just looking for this in my whole life. And now I found it.

Yeah this is might be useful for blue people Leo, its too scary to listening your content with hell tortue in back of their mind. Its being real bummer for me that grow up in very islamic enviroment to listening your content.

Yeah, without healthy mind, you limiting yourself with unconsciouss belief. Thats the context.